Coffee with Austin: Building EPIC Husbands

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Rachel: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast, where we help driven Christian couples level up every area of their heart, soul, mind, and strength. We're your hosts, Rachel and Austin Holt, and thank you for tuning in with us today.

Austin: Yes. Welcome.

Rachel: Yeah. so I'm excited for today because this episode is Coffee with Austin Part Two. If you tuned in last time, to for our last episode, it was Coffee with Rachel. Now I'm gonna be just asking Austin some questions to where hopefully you, the listener, can really feel like you're just in the room with us hearing Austin's heart, and I know you'll be inspired by it. I get to live with this guy so I get to hear his heart and see his passion and really honestly just be in awe of the masterpiece of God's creation that he is. really like a freak of nature in a good way. So, so I'm just excited because I love any opportunity where I can just hear Austin talk, and I can just ask him questions and kinda show him off a little bit- 'cause he's amazing. So

Austin: Thank you

Rachel: Kind of morphed into appreciation here.

Austin: Yes. Let's actually jump right into appreciations. And for those of you who are joining us for the very first time, every single episode, and pretty much at the beginning of everything we do here at CCM, we always do appreciations because we truly believe it's always worth slowing down and taking a moment and appreciating those we love.

Rachel: I just really wanna appreciate you, Austin, for really how you are always maximizing your gift and helping others maximize their gifts that you are so wizardly smart and help others just unlock things in themselves that they couldn't see or didn't know. And I really admire your ability to recall and remember anything that you've ever learned at any point in time. It's just so awesome. So I, yeah, I really appreciate that about you because it blesses me every day, it blesses those around you, and you really are using it for major impact in the world. And that's admirable

Austin: Oh, well, thank you

Rachel: And sexy.

Austin: Oh, thank you. Well, one thing I really appreciate about you is, I feel like over the years you have really increased your ability to just kinda roll with change. And, you know, like, we have four kids and business and just, you know, church responsibilities and so many things in our world and, you've just become really flexible with changes that happen, maybe even last minute. And I just love your attitude when, like, a change happens, maybe even a big change last minute, and you're like, "Okay. It's all good. Like, let's rock and roll." And, I just really appreciate that, and I enjoy doing life with you, and I really enjoy that you can just roll with change and, and, see it as an opportunity to just pivot and continue to be excellent in what you do. So like working out with me this morning super, super early. Like, I just really appreciate you were willing to just like, "Okay. All right. Let's get up and work out together," and I was like, "Sweet.

Let's do it." Which is really fun.

Rachel: Yeah. Thank you. I receive that. Well, Austin, I would like just to ask you a few questions so that you can share what's on your heart, really share your passion. And so the first question is help the listener understand your why. Why are you so passionate about helping men become incredible husbands?

Austin: Great question. Thank you. Well, first of all, it's interesting that, my parents named me Austin. And, because my name comes from the Latin, Augustine, and, which means to add to or increase in the lives of others, which I just think is interesting.

Rachel: That's so fitting.

Austin: That, like, my parents maybe spoke that over me, you know, as a baby and, or maybe that it was, you know, total, you know, God's will that they, you know, called me Austin. But, I just really believe that, and, and I don't just believe this because I believe there's like a biblical mandate. I also believe this because there's statistical data that would support this. But I've just seen on a real world, really practical level time and time and time and time and time again the impact that families have, communities have, and the world has on really strong value-driven men. I've seen the difference in marriages and families and communities, church leadership, business leadership, when there's a really strong present masculine man or men that are stepping into their God-given calling, to be leaders, to be men of integrity, to show up, to be excellent. Like, I've seen the difference that makes on a very practical level. Like, this is not just scripture I've read or textbooks or again stats that might exist, but I've seen since I've been a young man what it looks like how things are different when there's a really incredible, man, leading, you know?

And, and, and, and this is not, you know, mutually exclusive of great women. I'm just talking about great men. But specifically in marriage, you know, I think the number one determining factor, other than are they a Christian couple, which I think is one in the same. Like, if a man and a woman are a Christian couple, then that means the man is a godly man who pursues God in all ways. Like, I believe that should be hand in hand. Now unfortunately, I think that there's a lot of men who claim to be a Christian man who have not yet been taught or shown or modeled biblical strong masculine leadership. And so, like, if you're listening to this podcast today and you're a man that feels like maybe you're drifting or you're floundering or you're not, like, stepping into the level of calling that you know you could be, I don't want you to feel shame. Like, I don't want you to be hard on yourself.

I- I, like, I feel for you because it just wasn't modeled. It hasn't been modeled very well in the church. It hasn't been modeled in 95% of homes. I just made that stat up, but I think it's pretty close. It hasn't really been modeled well at all. And so a lot of men didn't grow up with great fathers who were great husbands. You know? A lot of men didn't grow up in a church where a pastor sat down with them and looked them in the eye and said, "Hey, young man, I wanna teach you what it means to be an incredible husband, e to be an incredible father, to be an inc incredible godly man." It was just kinda like, "I'm gonna throw this prescription at you, throw this scriptu scripture at you. I'm gonna throw this thing at you and hopefully you'll latch onto it." I think it was Dr. Larry Crabb that talked about the difference between, kind of like, sort of this, like, prescription theology, or recipe theology is what he said, versus transcendent theology.

And so this recipe theology, I think is, a lot of men have grown up in this. So, you know, someone throws a scripture at them or throws a book at them and says- "Hey, go become an incredible husband." And he would say that transcendent theology is more mentorship, it's more coaching, it's more walking through life together. You know? And so, I just think that's been missing in the world and But I have seen when there is a really incredible husband in the picture, that seems to be, like, the number one thing that moves the needle. And again, I- I feel like I have to say, well, it's actually because, you know, they're centered around Christ, and that is ultimately the truth. But I know lots and lots and lots and lots of marriages that are Christian marriages, and they're floundering. So the Christian marriages that I know of where it's a Christian marriage but the man has made a internal commitment decision that no matter what, he's gonna show up with 100% integrity, with excellence, he wants accountability, he's, he's gonna choose to walk the actual narrow road.

Those are the homes and the children and the communities and the life groups and the intact work groups and things like that, they just, like, absolutely, excel on a whole different level. And so I, I'm, I'm really passionate about helping good men become great men because I think there's a lot of good men. But I think the number of really, really great men is more scarce than I think the world wants to admit, or at least the church wants to admit. And so what I want to see people say is, "Wow, Christians are the most excellent people I know." But I think the average person in or outside of the church is not willing to make that statement yet. And so I think for me, what God's calling me to do is help offset that so that Christian men are the most excellent men on the face of the planet. Because I have seen that move the needle in the most powerful ways 'cause and, and again, men, like, if you're watching this, if you're feeling like, "Oh, man, I don't, I don't, I don't think I'm that excellent man yet," you weren't modeled it and you weren't held to a high standard.

Like thankfully, I've been held to a high standard by other great men, even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it's not fun or not convenient. I've had a lot of great mentors in my life, a lot of great men that have called me up into a higher place. my dad did that. I've had a few good pastors in my world that have done that. I've had other coaches that have coached me that have done that. I have great peers, great men, even within CCM, within our program that, we I mean, all the men in the group have accountability with each other, but they're calling each other to a higher and stronger place. And so I have seen the way that the transition from good to excellent man radically changes families, kids, communities, everything. So and, and lastly, I guess, on that question, I would say I've also seen a lot of men that have listened to a thousand podcasts, read a thousand books.

They've received lots of training, lots of tactics. They've taken a thousand courses, and the needle's still not moving in their life. They're information junkies. They're not transformation junkies. Okay? And they, they want accountability, but they don't want consequence or discipline, and you can't have accountability without consequence. You know, you can't have accountability without discipline. You can't have accountability without, you know, again, some type of consequence, you know? And so, I've just seen where there's this crutch where men, they think they're getting better in their head because they're consuming information, but it's not changing the way they walk. And so part of my role, whether it's coaching through our group program or coaching men one-on-one, is to not just give them good ideas, like good tactics and good strategies but to actually help them shift their state of being, like their heart and their mind, their soul, their strength. And then if they're not producing fruit, we're gonna dig and figure out, like, like, what's either the cognitive dissonance or what's the, what's the gap between all this great knowledge and rubber actually meeting the road.

Like, I love that place. Like, I love looking men in the eye and be like, "Hey, you made a commitment to your wife on your wedding day and this morning to be a really excellent man, and it's not happening. Like, we're not seeing the fruit, so what's going on?" You know, that really fuels me because then when he shifts, the whole course of their family shifts. Their marriage becomes stronger. Their faith becomes stronger. Their kids become stronger. Their work changes. Their health changes. Their wealth changes. And so I just truly believe that God is calling men to be excellent men, and I want to be an instrument for that change.

Rachel: I love that. That's a good answer. All right. So what do you think is one of the biggest things that holds men back from becoming incredible husbands? Like, what's the resistance? What's the reason?

Austin: First thing that came to my heart as you said that, is probably shame. I think a lot of men think because they've messed up in the past that they can't become a better man in the future. I think a lot of men have a, a, a serious identity problem where they think because they've done bad things, they're now a bad man. But that's not what we have in Christ. And I know this might sound cliche or, like, the church answer, but, like, let, let me take it a, a step deeper. Once men realize that Christ has called them sons of God, he has called them friends, he's called them brothers, he's called them saints, he's called them a masterpiece. And when a man can say Like, if a man messes up- He might wanna think to himself, "I'm a bad guy." And so then the brain wants to capitalize that, capitalize on that, and the brain says, "Well, bad men do bad things." And the brain loves continuity, so the brain wants to keep men in continuity, so the brain convinces them to do negative things, 'kay?

And there's a whole school of thinking behind that, but we'll go, we'll go on that later. If men can shift from, "I'm a bad dude who does bad things," to, "I'm a good man who messed up, and commitment is recommitment, so I'm recommitting to the values that I stand for because I'm still a good man," then, then he'll actually change his behavior. And so I think for a lot of men, they feel shame. They don't think that other men struggle. They don't think it's okay for other men to know they struggle because that looks like vulnerability and that looks like weakness. The strongest men I know are the most vulnerable men I know. 'Kay, just yesterday I was talking to one of the strongest Christian men I know, who also owns many seven-figure companies, who is a massive church leader, who has an incredible marriage, incredible children, all these things, and he's w in tears with me on the phone being vulnerable, talking about the deepest struggles that he's had.

And because he's able to tell the truth about those things, 'kay, he finds deep strength. 'Kay? I think, I think you were just quro quoting Craig Groeschel yesterday about, you know, asking for help is not weakness, it's wisdom. And so I think for a lot of men, since their identity is at stake, 'kay? I i to all the men listening today, you have to understand, if you think your identity is at stake, if you think your identity's on the line it will keep you from doing anything risky, ever. It'll th it'll keep you from doing anything big. 'Kay? The reason that certain men can do certain crazy, incredible things in this world is because they don't think their identity is at stake or they don't think their con their identity is contingent on an upcoming result or an upcoming outcome. 'Kay? Really powerful men can say, "I'm a man of God, therefore I do." 'Kay? And whether I sink this three-pointer or not, that's a sports reference.

I know sports. whether they sink the three-pointer or not, they're still a man of God. And if they miss, they're gonna say, "Because I'm a man of God, I'm gonna practice 50,000 times." 'Kay? But if they think- "Oh, I missed. I'm not a man of God anymore," then the brain's gonna be like, "Yeah, you're not a man of God." "So yeah, maybe you should now be a little bit more lazy. Maybe you should stay up late and look at stuff on the internet you shouldn't. Maybe you shouldn't work as, as hard at your job. Maybe you shouldn't strive to provide X, Y, and Z for your family." So I think, like, y your question was what's one of the number one things that keeps men from becoming great men. I think a big part of it is shame. Because shame is about identity. 'Kay? Guilt is about behavior. And a little bit of guilt is healthy. 'Kay? If I slip up and eat something I shouldn't, 'kay, which I haven't.

You know, I haven't had sugar in, like, months, m like, maybe, like, four or five months. 'Kay? But, like, the other day I had some ketchup at this restaurant and I kind of, like, forgot, "Oh yeah, ketchup has a ton of sugar in it." And I was like, "Oh, I just had a decent amount of ketchup with these sweet potato fries. Now I have a headache." And it's not that I felt guilty for that, but I was like, "Austin, your values state that you eat clean because your body's a temple." "And you just ate some junk." So then there was kind of this moment of like, "All right, I don't wanna, I don't wanna be like that because I'm not that guy." I went back to my identity, right? And so a little bit of guilt is okay, but shame is about identity. And so men who struggle with shame, they just have an identity problem. They don't think they're men of God. They're like, "Well, I'm, I'm dirty, filthy rags," you know?

Like, that's And of course I'm, I'm kinda quoting something Paul said, but there's this pressure in the church that's like, "You're bad. You're, you're not good. You can't do anything good apart from God." Well, that's just actually not true, because there's a ton of people that donate money so that kids don't starve every day that aren't believers yet.

Rachel: It's true.

Austin: Okay? So, and I believe you can do the ultimate good when you're aligned with God. Okay? But I know a lot of agnostic people that do great things in the world. And who knows? Maybe from a prevenient grace perspective, that's God working through them before they even know God which, cha-ching. That's awesome.

Rachel: He gets all the glory.

Austin: Right. But that is such a shame statement that it keeps men crippled in the church. Okay, this is why a lot of modern Christian men are on life support, because they're they're, they're given so much shame by the church, by, by outside pressures of the church, that they don't have a solid identity. 'Cause if men think they're earning their identity, nothing will ever be enough. No amount of money will be enough, no amount of affection from their wife will be enough, no amount of praise from their kids will be enough, no amount of success at work will ever be enough. No size of their biceps will be enough. 'Kay? Their biceps won't ever be this big. Okay? And the v

Rachel: It's amazing

Austin: Those of you who are listening, just know my

Rachel: So large

Austin: My 14-inch biceps are being flexed on the screen. No amount of anything will be enough. But if men can give their shame to God and allow God to refill them with identity, like, "God, I'm gonna pour out my shame and give it to you. Fill me back up with this identity of a godly man so that I can realign myself to that identity versus realigning myself to my shame." So men, like, if you're listening to this and you've ever messed up or you think you have a messed up past or you messed up this morning or last night or whatever, you probably keep messing up. 'Cause sanctification is this process of being set apart to be, to become more holy, 'kay? To become more like Christ. The f the, the more you're willing to, to set yourself in this permanent identity of a godly man, the more you will be sanctified, the less you will sin, the less you will slip up. But if your identity is always at stake, if you think the pressure is always that high, you'll never, ever put your s set yourself to a level of excellence and hit it.

Because you'll be scared. You'll be scared to jump off the edge, because you're like, "Oh, my whole identity's riding on this, so I'm just not gonna shoot for it." But if you're like, "Pff, my identity's not changed." Okay? "If I miss this shot, if I miss this opportunity," okay, "if I stumble with my words, it doesn't mean that my identity, identity is at stake," you'll do a thousand times more than the man next to you.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. That's so good. Thank you for sharing what the biggest thing is that hold men, holds men back. And also, you kind of answered a little bit maybe of my next question, which is, what is one of the big Best shifts that a man can make if he wants to build a powerful legacy as a God-honoring incredible husband. So I know you kinda just spoke to that. Some things about changing identity and believing your identity in Christ is not changeable. But maybe an additional thing since you already gave that incredible answer. What is one of the best shifts a man can make if he wants to build a powerful legacy as a God-honoring incredible husband?

Austin: Great question, and I think it comes down to two things. Number one, similar to what I said before, it's gotta become part of his identity. Period. Okay? Again, a lot of institutions, even the church, has put this pressure on men. You're not allowed to say you're a good man. You're not allowed to say you're a strong man. You're not allowed to say you're a powerful man. Even though they'll then say that we're powered by the Holy Spirit, which is the spirit of God who created the whole universe, but we're not allowed to say that we, that we are any part of that participation. A man has to shift his identity to create a powerful legacy. He has to be able to say- "I am a man of God. I am a husband after God's own heart." "I am a man of integrity. I am a leader of integrity." And when he can say those things and have a felt sense of those things in his heart then everything that he does will align with that identity.

Okay? And so the first thing that a man, the, the, the first part of this shift is a man has to shift his identity. That's the kind of man I am. So then when he thinks about looking at something he shouldn't, eating something he shouldn't, spending on money on something he shouldn't, and by shouldn't, I mean what doesn't honor his values, is what I mean by that. So when a man thinks about doing any of these things that doesn't honor his values, he's gonna go, "Wait, but I am a man of God." "I am a husband of God. I'm a husband of high integrity." So then the brain and the heart start to come into play there, and it's like what are things that a husband of high integrity does? He only does blank, and he never does blank. So that's, that's what, you know, our, really modern cliche culture sometimes likes to say is alignment, okay? I do love the concept of alignment. That's alignment.

You will feel at peace when your actions match your values, okay? When your words match your values and your actions match your values, okay? That's when you'll feel a deep sense of peace. When you put your head on your pillow at night and you think, "I did everything today I said I was going to do. I did things today that align with my values." Okay? And so when a man is willing to shift his identity and operate from that identity, he will then naturally create legacy. And I would argue if you are a Christian man, the things that you are called to do in your life are already written for you. A lot of men are like, "Oh, how, what's my purpose? What's my significance? What am I supposed to do with my life?" It's you, we already know, okay? We already know. And it starts with living a life in service of the kingdom of God. Okay? So the second part of that shift is you have to make becoming an incredible husband, incredible godly man, maybe you're a father, maybe not, it has to become a lifestyle.

It has to become a part of your everything. Okay, whatever you say is your lifestyle, that's also an identity statement, okay? But lifestyle is like an applied version of identity, okay? If you're like, "I'm a tennis player. My lifestyle is tennis." Okay? So then everything about your life revolves around tennis, okay? Men have to align their life to their identity. Your life must revolve around your identity if you're gonna be successful at it. Just like a good tennis player, okay? Just like a good any, anyone at anything, okay? If they're gonna be good at anything, their life has to revolve around it. So I know a lot of men who are like, "I love God, and my life is in service of God, and I love my wife, and, and I'm gonna honor with everything I do, and I love my kids," and all this. But then I'm like, "Well, show me your calendar, and show me your bank statements." And all of a sudden they're like, "Oh, my life doesn't revolve around those things.

My life revolves around work." "My life revolves going around the gym," or, "My life revolves around going to the gym. My life revolves around NFL games. My life revolves-" "around arguing politics online. My life revolves around," fill in the blank. And so if you wanna create a Like I, I, I know a lot of incredible men, okay? I, I, maybe I should just shout them all out right now. You guys all know who you are, okay? You know exactly who you are. Their lifestyle matches their identity. Okay? At any given point in time, you could pull up their search history on their browser. You could pull up their, Explore feed on Instagram, okay? You could pull up their bank statements, and you could pull up their calendar, and you'd find proof right there. That's where it matters. You could ask their kids, "What does your dad do all day?" And they would tell you, and it would align with the identity. And so you cannot hope to be a great tennis player if your entire life revolves around being a good gardener.

Get what I'm saying? Like, those things have to match if you wanna have a life of that level. 'Cause so again, they have to shift identity, but number two, their lifestyle has to match their identity. So if, if you're a man listening to this and you're thinking to yourself, "I say all these things, but man, why can't I just get it?" Like, "Why can't I be that godly leader? Why can't I, I Why, why aren't I excelling in those areas?" I would say, "Well, what's your lifestyle like?" Okay? Because the brain is tricky. The brain will convince you all this other stuff is worth giving your time to, but it's leaving you empty, and it's not actually helping you achieve your goals, okay? Like, if your marriage is not thriving, your kids aren't following the Lord, you're not in the best shape of your life, you're not in the best wealth position of your life, you're not serving in the church where you wanna be, then never ever, ever watch an NFL game ever.

Don't play video games. Don't watch TV, okay? Don't have these hobbies and subsets of your lifestyle that do not a a that do not apply towards the highest and best goals for your life. If you're super into mowing your yard so you have to mow your yard 16 times a week, and you're spending all this money and time making sure your yard's perfect, but you don't have the marriage that you want that's probably why. So again, paraphrasing it, shift your identity and your lifestyle must match your identity. I want you to be the kind of man that when people think, think about you, the, the, everything they will say about you is your identity.

Rachel: Yeah. It's amazing. Thank you, Austin. All right. Well, it's time for our nonprofit shout-out, and actually today is a little bit different. So we have the holidays coming up when we actually recorded this. We're going to be shouting out the company called SashkaCo. They make incredible bracele bracelets, and SashkaCo partners with several organizations in Nepal that train and employ hundreds of artisans in rural communities. It's so cool. The women at the co-ops earn a living wage that exceeds the local minimum wage. Thanks to the support of SashkaCo bracelets customers, like you could be, maybe you already are, they now provide sustainable jobs for over 450 artisans in Nepal. How cool is this? So not a traditional nonprofit shout-out, but this is a great way to consciously shop, give gifts for upcoming holiday season or any time around the year, or buy something special for yourself that is meaningful. And so we're gonna drop a link below, and your giving will help employ a woman. So it's a win for you.

It's a win for me because I'll know that you are giving something. And SashkaCo also, is official member of Feeding the America on Enterprise Society. So your donations also go to help, the Tony Robbins with the One Billion Meal Challenge, providing twice the impact. Every $1 to Feeding America helps secure and distribute at least 10 meals to people facing hunger through Feeding America network of food banks. How cool is this? It's a win-win-win-win win.

Austin: And these are super cute.

Rachel: They're very high quality.

Austin: Yeah, they're very high quality. I love when you wear them. I think they're really Oh, I dropped it. I think it's, I think they're really attractive on you.

Rachel: Yeah, they're high quality.

Austin: So that's another win out there. Buy these bracelets and you will be hot.

Rachel: Yeah. Thank you. All right. Well, genuinely, we appreciate you. Thank you for tuning in. Wherever you're listening, give us a five-star rating if you enjoyed this episode. Hop on over to YouTube and give a comment what this episode meant to you or your favorite takeaway. And we hope to see you soon.