Stories, but Not the Kind You Might Think

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Rachel: Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast. We're your hosts, Austin and Rachel Holt. I'm Rachel, he's Austin.

Austin: Clarity.

Rachel: And we are so glad that you have joined us today. the first thing that we do is appreciate each other, because we wanna model this for you. This is something we do at all of our events, in every coaching call we ever do. We start them off with appreciations, because it's that important. And so I'll go first. Austin, I appreciate your humor. just, yeah, just really appreciating how funny you are and how much that adds to our life and our kids' lives and our connection.

Austin: Thank you.

Rachel: So thanks.

Austin: Rachel, I appreciate you for being just flexible and adaptable. and, like for example, my meeting that was right before we were recording went, ran super late, and so it kind of pressed us for time just a little bit, and you were just, like, super flexible and cool and just adapted to a different timeline. And I walked in the studio, sat down, and we kind of just, boom, finalized our notes, and there we went. So.

Rachel: We don't have any notes.

Austin: Yeah, we don't use notes.

Rachel: No, we don't.

Austin: Don't look at these. But I just appreciate that you're flexible and adaptable, and that that takes courage. Like, on a deeper level, like, that takes being courageous, and I just appreciate that about you.

Rachel: Yeah. Thank you, I receive that.

Austin: Bam.

Rachel: Also, I appreciate

Austin: Rockstar wife

Rachel: Your, unapologetic clothing. You always wear exactly what you want and what you're comfortable in.

Austin: That's right. This is not sponsored by Carhartt, yet. Someday. All right.

Rachel: All right.

Austin: What are we talking about today?

Rachel: Today we're gonna be talking about stories, and not the kind of stories that you might think, where we tell you this f you know, maybe, like, a great story about a couple, which we will. where we tell you about their love and their life and their some kind of wonderful thing. These are stories that may subconsciously be running your marriage, may be, creating some drama in your life, and they may be creating disconnect between you and your spouse. So one thing we like to say around here is, "The story I make up is " Because, you know, this kind of builds on what we talked about with expectations versus agreements. 'Cause a lot of those expectations are rooted in these stories we make up.

Austin: Yeah. Well, and I, I think it kind of replaces the, you know, like, everyone's like, "Well, I just think that," or, you know, "I'm wondering this," or, you know, or they just kind of walk up to someone and just sort of like tell them. You know? Like, how they think it is or, like, what they think it is. And, like, this has just been, like, a culture piece, like, within CCM for us, right? Of, you know, using the phrase, "Well, the story I'm making up is blank." You know? Like, or, "The story I make up about this situation is that you're upset with me," or, "The story I make up about this is that you would rather go, not eat at this place tonight and you'd rather stay home," you know? And and there, there's two paths here. Like, the unconscious way is just to make up a story and let it run you, like what you're saying. You know? Like, and of course, like, from a cognitive model, we know that most of the stories we tell ourselves are running all the shows, you know?

Like, if you tell yourself a story that all barbecue places are bad, you'll never have barbecue again. You know? And, and so but if you tell yourself a story that, all barbecue places are good, you'll be willing and open to go to barbecue places. You know? And the same equates to relationships. And so the unconscious path that we really wanna, like, assess today is the stories that you tell yourself that you aren't really conscious of yet and those are running the show. You know? And so I think sometimes people laugh when they first get introduced to our culture, like, the way we do things, 'cause they hear us say this phrase, like, "Well, the story I make up is " Well, that's the conscious pivot. You know? Like, and that's, that's kind of a deeper Like, that's kind of more training-oriented. But, you know, we really wanna be the kind of people that instead of just letting these mystery stories inside our brain run the show, we want to be the kind of people that are like, "Hey, like, here's what, here's the story I'm creating in my mind.

I don't know if it's true or not." And I think the risk that most couples have to their marriage that they don't know about is that there is a story running the show behind the scenes that they, they don't really even know about yet, because they've never even thought to ask, like- "Huh. Is this actually true, or am I making up a story about it?" Because stories, you know, again, kind of in the, a cognitive model, you know, the Which our stories, you know, come from a lot of different things, trauma, nature, nurture, past experience all that. But, you know, the stories we tell ourself really coincide with our beliefs about people, the world, ourselves. And those beliefs dictate our emotional responses to things, happy, sad, angry, sexual, fearful. And then those beliefs, or those emotional responses, those really dictate our behavior. And so a lot of times, like, if, you know, a spouse is angry, you know, s it's, we, we don't go straight to the anger.

We try to find the story under the anger. You know? Like, what in your mind, like, h o one, where did you learn to be angry about this? And two, like why are you choosing anger and not curiosity? 'Cause one story could make someone curious, you know? It's like, you know like, like if you were, like if you were crying. You know, like, one story I could make up about that, like, if a story was running the show, it'd be like, "Oh, she's mad at you." You know? So then it would, that would change the way I'd respond to you emotionally, and it would change the, my behavior with you. But if my story was like, "Oh, like, Rachel is experiencing some strong emotions today," like- "Oh, I wonder how I can support her," like so, like, the, "Hey, babe, the story I'm making up is you're having some really big feelings right now. Like, how can I support you?" That's a really conscious story.

An unconscious story would be, like, in my mind I'm like, "Oh, she's mad at me. I'm not even gonna say anything." You know?

Rachel: I was gonna say this later, but one story that was pretty common for me, early on in our marriage was that you were upset with me. Because growing up, and here's, again, here's the, it goes back to, what did I experience growing up? How am I interpreting things through that lens of trauma, nature, nurture? And so I learned a way of being that was, "Don't upset people, 'cause it's really painful when you do." And so I was always on guard, wondering, like, "Is Austin upset? Is he upset with me?" And I really appreciate your leadership early on. You're like, "Just ask me. Just ask me if I'm upset." And so there was a season for a long time where I just asked you, I said, "Hey, babe, are you upset with me?" And you'd say, "No, I'm not." And I'd be like, "Oh, well you, your tone was kinda this way." And you'd be like, "Oh, no, I don't know what's going on," you know?

And I also learned that I was extra sensitive to tone, and that was one of my landmines that I've since healed. But you were so gracious with me and helped me to just ask. And that's part of the, the story I make up is where you can just ask, "Hey, are you upset with me?"

Austin: Yeah. And typically, when we ask, we just skip all the drama. We skip the skip the whole drama triangle just by asking, you know, for clarity. And this kinda goes into, like, the why for today's episode, really. And the big why for today is that so many couples, even great couples with great marriages, where they get into trouble, where they stumble, is in unconsciously making up stories. And again, we, we wanna help couples go from unconsciously making up a story to consciously getting curious and learning the story. You know? And so, and when couples do this, 'cause we've helped a lot of couples really shift from this world of, like, everything is run by some made up story, and they either It's either definitely a story they made up and/or a story they've made up and they don't even know what the story is yet 'cause it's unconscious. It's in the subconscious still. It's not like in the prefrontal where they're thinking about it, you know?

And so, when couples shift from the unconscious story that they don't even know that they're making up about their spouse's behavior, it, one, eliminates drama. It, two, it creates a ton of connection in their marriage because they become more transparent. You know, it's like intimacy, right? Everyone's like, "What's emotional intimacy?" Well, intimacy means see into me. And you can't be emotionally transparent, you can't be intimate without sharing and asking and telling the truth and getting honest and getting clear. And so when couples end the story, you know, cycles, then they learn how to be really honest. They learn how to really tell the truth. You know? They learn how to bring things into the light, and they learn how to dig things up out of the dark and into the light. You know, it's one thing to just be, forthcoming, but there's another, there's another level into, like, I wanna help you bring forth whatever you need to bring forth. Like, if I can tell, like, I'm like, "Hey, babe is there, like, something you wanna share with me?"

You know? And you gotta pay attention.

Rachel: Which you have asked many times.

Austin: Yeah. And it's because I'm paying attention to that. Because, like, I know that God made us to be in flow. He made us to be in love, okay? 'Cause we're in love. Spoiler alert, I'm still in love with you. And, and so to remain in love, we have to remain, interested at that level with each other. Like, we have to be paying attention. I'm not gonna notice you're having an off day if I don't pay attention to you. And so, like, I believe that God made us so that we could have, like, a harmonious, peaceful life, and when there is some type of, you know, trip on the sidewalk then He's m- He's equipped us to resolve that. But I can't resolve that if I'm not paying attention, if I'm not, like, seeing into you, if I'm not, like studying. Like, I'm like, "Oh," like, "Huh." Like, Rachel's, like, kind of in a bad mood there, or, like You know, that's even a story. What I just said is a story.

Okay, so let me back up. Like noticing that you're angry, okay, that's a story, too. Noticing a symptom of a story, okay? Like if, like if you pound your fist on the table. Not that I've ever really seen you do that before. Maybe at a child, but not at me- 'cause I'm perfect. But, like, if you were pounding your fist on the table, it would, it would behoove me, and I say this to you, I think you, you can vouch for this. I'm like, "Hey, babe." "How are you feeling right now?" Or like, "Hey," like, "The story I'm making up is maybe you're a little frustrated with parenting today. How can I support you?" That would be the conscious thing. The unconscious thing would be like, ugh, in my head, oh, she's mad. Ugh, she's having a She's obviously mad at the kids, so maybe

Rachel: Watch out for Rachel or she might say something to you.

Austin: Yeah. Or maybe you're not obviously mad at the kids. Maybe you actually just had a memory come up of a time that you were really hurt when you were younger, and you just, like, let yourself feel for a second, you know? But, you know, when couples end the subconscious story game that's running their marriage and they enter the world of being able to understand the stories they tell and to, ask for those stories and get clarity around that, that's what really opens up. You know, and then the the evolution of going from the unconscious to the conscious is being able to say, "The story I make up is blank." Because when we do that, we take full responsibility for the story. You know? Because if I say to you, "Hey, I'm not telling you this as gospel truth," because I can't tell Rachel about her emotions. I don't get to tell her, "Oh, you're mad right now." "Oh, you're sad right now. Oh, you're aroused right now."

I wish

Rachel: Although you try.

Austin: I do, I do try, and I wish I could do that. I wish I could just be like, "Aroused you are, okay?" In a total Jedi style. I might try that later.

Rachel: Although you have your ways, I will say.

Austin: Boom. CCM. and so, you know, I can't I, I don't get to tell you about your You know, like, your, your emotions are your Like, tho that's your personal, private property. You know, like, I don't get to tell you how you are. But if I say something like, "Hey, the story I'm making up is that you're really, you might be really sad today. Can I support you in that?" Then I'm not accusing her. I'm not attacking her. I'm not throwing some story. I'm not taking some filter and trying to make it her reality. I'm taking full responsibility for the story that I'm generating from within. And of course, I'm doing that through m some of my own filters, observations, our past experiences, all that. But then Rachel can respond in a totally different way. So, like, what's the difference? Like, I think this would be good for people to know. Like, if I come at you and I'm like, "wow, babe, I can tell you're mad right now," versus- "Hey, honey, the story I'm making up is you might be a little mad right now-" seeing as that you just punched a hole in the wall again.

Rachel: Austin says

Austin: Just kidding. She doesn't do that. She doesn't do that. h h how does that feel? Like, how does that land differently for you?

Rachel: Yeah. Well, it honestly makes me think of that one episode of Parks and Rec where someone says to the guy, "You're always up in arms about something." And he goes, "I'm not always up in arms about something."

Austin: Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, that was good.

Rachel: It's a town hall meeting, whatever. Because they literally just said, "You're always this way." And you're like, "I'm not." It triggers the ego and, and it's, it comes off as an attack. And our brains are wired to keep us safe, to defend us. And so if our brains think we're being attacked, we go w we tend to subconsciously go into defense mode. And so when you're curious and you, when you start the upward spiral, that's the great thing. Taking personal responsibility in this way starts an upward spiral. We have had so many good conversations, like you're saying just connecting.

Austin: L l let me back up just a hair. How does it feel personally for you? Yeah. Like, when I say it one way versus the other way. Like, if I come to you and I'm like, "Hey, babe, you seem pretty mad," or if I'm like, "Hey, honey, the story I'm making up is you might be a little upset, like, how can I support you?" Like, how does that land differently?

Rachel: I feel seen versus attacked, yeah. Like, that you genuinely care and that you are interested in and your goal is to help me figure it out. And you have done that many times, like, I mean, all the time, where

Austin: Most of the time

Rachel: I might be ha

Austin: I mean, but not all the time. You know, sometimes where I, you know, have a moment and But yeah, like, I, I, I try to let that be, like, my

Rachel: Literally every moment- I feel like.

Austin: Thank you.

Rachel: So when I'm having an off something and you notice you really do get curious and you help me get curious, which is what a great leader does is ask the right questions. and yeah, so when you come at it that way or share the story you're making up and then ask, like, "How can I support you?" or "Hey, what's going on? Is there something you need to tell me?" That helps me to just, ah, like in my feminine essence, just allow you to help me through whatever it is, to be able to share with you, to talk to feel connected.

Austin: Well, and, and my goal, and this is, like, what we teach other couples, is there's a way that that relinquishes a lot of perceived judgment. You know, instead of being like, "Wow, you're mad," it's almost like I'm assessing you. You know? I'm, like, saying like, "Oh, you're mad." You know? Like, I'm judging what you're doing. You know, I'm judging you in that moment. You know, like, a pattern of yours might look similar to one of my mom's or something, you know, or my dad or w you know, who raised me. It'd be easy for me to take that past experience and look at, through that lens and automatically judge your behavior. And then I'm judging the intent of it because I always judge my parents' intent of it. You know, and their intent, for the most part, raising me, was to, you know, teach me, keep me safe, was to, like, you know, instruct me. And there's, that's another opportunity for the ego to flare up when it's like, you know, 'cause we, we hear this from couples where it's like, "Oh, well, my spouse is just trying to, like, you know, teach me," and like, you know

Rachel: Fix me

Austin: Yeah, fix me. But it's like, well, that was your parents' job. Your parents' job was to literally make sure that you were, you know, developing properly and learning to be a contributing member of society who people liked and wanted to be around so you'd get opportunities and you'd have friendships and people would want you to be in their tribe, okay? 'Cause you needed to be in a tribe to live, you know, a long time ago. So that's still been trickled down, but, you know, there's an automatic kinda labeling and judgment that comes with that, you know? Like, "You're mad"- you know? And my goal, like, when I say that to you is like, "Hey," like, "Yeah, I want you to feel seen, I want you to feel loved," and, like, I'm coming at this with little knowledge. I've got some observations here. You know, I saw you punch the wall, you know? Just kidding.

Rachel: People are gonna start thinking that I

Austin: That you're a wall puncher?

Rachel: And a table pounder.

Austin: Pe people are gonna start hashtagging under this video wall puncher, and then they're gonna take this

Rachel: Oh, man. Any Bernard

Austin: And autotune it. I was just thinking of that. Thank you. But yeah, I mean, I, I, I want to remove the opportunity for that labeling or that judgment to where you're just like 'Cause, because again, I'm coming at it with just a observation, just with my senses, right? So it's like, "Hey," like, "I'm noticing that you might be upset. Like, is that accurate? You know, how can I help you? How can I support you?" And then you have a chance to fill in whatever blank you think is necessary for me to get it so I can support you. So that supports you, and I think it's a good way for me to avoid the judgment or avoid putting a story on you, because the negative story would've just led to a downward spiral. I might, I might not have even tried, and I might have responded in like kind. I might have responded the way my mom, I would've responded to my mom if my mom had done that when I was younger.

You know? So.

Rachel: And by doing that, you just jump right over the drama. You skip it and it just

Austin: I didn't feel the need to fix you I didn't have to act like a victim. I didn't act like a villain. We're gonna do another podcast episode at some point on, on what we're talking about here, hero, victim, villain, which is based on the Karpman triangle. but yeah, like, we can skip all the bull, you know by just telling the truth and asking for the truth. And this is a whole nother topic, always over-communicating. You know? And so many times in marriage, just a quick aside, we see drama come from this single thought which is like, "Well, you just should've known that." "You just should've known that automatically. You sh just should've done that automatically."

Rachel: "We've been married long enough."

Austin: Yeah. We've been

Rachel: "You should know by now."

Austin: Yeah, "You should know by now. You should just have done that automatically" because it's so funny, like, even think about the classic marriage book that just gets quoted all the time, you know, Love and Respect. You know, it's a great one. "If you love the wife, she'll respect the husband. If you respect the husband, she'll, he'll love the wife." And in a macro sense, that's, that's, that is true. but one person's picture of love might not look like another person's picture of love. One person's picture of respect may not look like another person's picture of respect. So let's just agree that that premise is true, and it is true. The more I res- I feel respected, the easier it is for me to love you. Now, I love you whether I feel respected or not because that's what I agreed to before God and before you. So whether you are respecting me well or not, I'm going to love you, okay? That's not, there's not a condition there.

There's a cycle that feeds, but it's not conditional, not in our marriage at least. And so, but my thought of you respecting me might look very differently than your perception of what respect looks like to a husband because you were raised by another married couple who ended up divorced. Okay? So you maybe didn't always see, okay, telling a story about that. You might not have always My story I make up is you maybe didn't always witness a great example of what respect and love look like in a home. And so if I were to say to you, "Well, Rachel, you just, you should have known to respect me," it's like, what does that look like? Until we define that and get really clear. So if you're watching this and you want to really elevate your marriage, like you really wanna level up your marriage, I would get real comfortable with the idea of over-communicating and always asking for clarity and never having a hidden expectation your spouse will do X, Y, or Z ever.

Okay? Ladies, if you just have this thing, this hidden thing, "Well, he just should've known to this," you're gonna have a hard marriage. Now, if he happens to do that, enjoy it. It's like a cherry on top. Okay? But if your spouse is forgetting to pursue you, it's not that he doesn't love you, and this is another conversation on the masculine feminine, which we'll do down the road. It's not that he doesn't love you, it's that that's in his It's not in his masculine nature that once you're married to constantly pursue you. So if you're wanting more love put in the love tank, just remind him and he'll do it. He'll probably move heaven and Earth for you. You may just have to remind him.

Rachel: Yeah. And I just wanna make sure it, it's communicated that by us talking about the book Love and Respect, we're not recommending you listen to it or go read it. So just

Austin: Just

Rachel: Wanna make sure that's clear

Austin: Yeah, is what it is. Yeah. So, so let's share a few examples. Let's share a couple good examples of maybe, you know, the hidden story that was showing up in the marriage and kinda running things.

Rachel: Pretty common one is something around, like, the husband not calling the wife or the, you know, at the end of the day when the husband's leaving work, the timing of that. Like, "Hey, when are you gonna be home so I can have dinner ready?" All of that. There can be so many stories attached to it. So if we're gonna get super specific, it could be 'cause, you know, we've heard a lot from a lot of different couples, but let's say the wife is like, "You don't call me on the way home," or the husband doesn't call on the way home, and she says The story she's making up is- "He doesn't call me because he doesn't care. Like, there's more important things to him. If he really loved me he would make sure I knew when he was gonna be home, or he would be home right at 5:00. And if he wasn't, he would call me and let me know." "If he really loved me."

And that's, like, the feminine does it a lot. "If he really loved me, he would just blank." And so what the wife could say, of course, there's a hidden expectation there. There's a story. And there's quest, right? Just skipping the drama triangle by asking for what you want. So if this was the conscious scenario, let's say, "You didn't call me on your way home. I thought you were gonna be home at 5:00. I could call you." "Or whenever I do get ahold of you, I'd say, 'Hey, babe, the story I made up was that you didn't call me because you really don't love me.'" And that sounds so silly.

Austin: Or because listening to a podcast about whatever was more important on your drive home.

Rachel: Yeah. You were doing s you were calling other people, and I f feel like that means they're more important to you. Whatever it is. And then, you know, we could have a conversation about that, and either you would ask me what I want like, "Hey, do you have a request or a new agreement?" Or I could ask what or I would share what I want. Like, "I would really love for you to come home right at 5:00, and if you don't, to let me know. Either just text or call so I know you're not dead." Because the story I made up was you got in a car wreck and died because I didn't hear from you.

Austin: 'Cause And then we could make a good agreement around that. 'Cause a lot of times these conversations are either predicated by or followed by an opportunity to be emotionally transparent. You know, it's like, "Hey, the story I'm making up is, I'm Like, I'm, I'm feeling sad, and I think what it is, is that you didn't call me on your way home, and you usually do." "And I felt kinda scared, and then, you know, I saw on my, your phone, 'cause I'm tracking your phone, that you're listening-" " to a podcast about baseball." You know, which I, I don't. it's cool though if you do. "And you could've called me and you didn't, and I, I'm just feeling like, man, if you were really excited to talk to me, you would've just called me." You know, the conscious thing would be, like, what you said, which is like, "Hey, this is the story I'm making up." And then I would normally say, like, "Oh, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. can you tell me more about that?

How can I support you?" And we would resolve it, you know? that's a really good example, 'cause we do hear that. That's one we hear all the time.

Rachel: Yeah. It's pretty common.

Austin: Yeah. let's see. What was the next example we were gonna share? I think a good one from our marriage that, that I'd be willing to share is that, I think I really used to carry this story. I remember, and Mom, if you're watching this podcast, I freaking love you, okay? I literally just was on the phone with you, like, an hour ago. Love you. you know, I remember my mom would say just kinda jokingly, like, about my dad. She'd be like, "Well, my dad never, he never changed diapers. He just never changed diapers." And I think I kinda carried this, like, you know, complex that like, man, I've gotta be, like, super dad for you to, like, really see me as a great dad. And I have a great mom and a great dad, and there's, there's, there's no, nothing, nothing like that's mixed up in this statement. But, like, I think it was like I just kinda carried this thought of like, "Oh, man.

Well, like, I gotta be like the super dad who changes diapers and gets up in the night with them and does all the-" " dream husband stuff for you to see me as, like, a dream husband." And, like, you know, we have four kids. Our work is intense. Our parenting is intense. we don't spank. we, we use really, really good discipline methods and models, which we teach other couples that they, they do work, but it's a different battle. It's a different battle. It has different struggles. which sometimes I wish we spanked. I don't wish we spanked, but I wish I could have the immediate result of spanking. But anyways. And so

Rachel: Submit them with fear.

Austin: Yes. Might be some stories in there. But, yeah, like, I think there have been times where I'm like, "Okay, some amazing dad could hang out with their kids for, like, five hours a day and not be annoyed by them or bothered by them or over-stimulated by them." And, like, because of, like, the nature of our work, our work is really intense. We do a lot of deep emotional work with people. And so, like, there's some times where, like, I come home, e whether that's even at 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 o'clock. Like, I come home, I'm with the kids, and, like, sometimes, like, an hour in of them just being, like, crazy town, 'cause we have four littles, okay? Nine, six, four, and two. Nine, seven, four, and two. and like, I used to carry the story that's like, "Oh, man, like, if I can't hang out with the kids for like four hours without getting a little frazzled, you know, like, Rachel's not gonna think, like, I'm an amazing dad."

And like, we've had good conversations about that, like where I've shared that with you, and you've, like, responded really well to me. And just, like, helped me feel seen and me feel loved. But I definitely used to let that story run of like, "I don't want Rachel to have a similar feeling about me," like, "Oh, well, Austin doesn't change the diapers. He never this. He never that. He was never this enough." And it's like my mom even meant that about my dad. It was just an observation of like, well, yeah, like she got up in the night and changed the diapers. But I, like, internalized that, so I just, like, kinda carried this story that, like, if I couldn't, you know, be with the kids for one to four hours without feeling slightly, like, you know, panicky that like, you know, you didn't think I was, like, some amazing father. But like, I was able to, like, kinda bring that story to light, and it really helped us be more synergistic in a lot of different ways.

Because I was able to find the story, and there's a whole method that we teach to help couples really find these stories. But you know, I was able to kinda find that story and bring that, and that has really helped, like, our parenting and stuff.

Rachel: Well, and realizing that your masculine was not created to be nurturing, you know, 24/7. And so that's more my role. And you

Austin: I'm slaying dragons

Rachel: Focus on Yeah. I mean, come on.

Austin: Yeah, that's right. yeah, it was a fun example. Thanks for letting me share that. okay, so we wanna pause real quick and just talk about our nonprofit, shout-out, nonprofit highlight for today. today's, episode's nonprofit is God's Bucket Brigade, which is actually located here in Kansas City. And it's led by a dear friend of ours, John Higginbotham, coolest last name on the planet. this is an amazing, ministry. And, it's actually kinda easy to figure out what it does, God's Bucket Brigade. and what they do is they take buckets that are full of amazing supplies. and they give them out to the homeless population in Kansas City. They're now in multiple states. John actually attends our church. We've watched him start this nonprofit from day one.

Rachel: Super cool.

Austin: Total act of faithfulness, a total act of just following, the Spirit of God. And God has blessed this ministry. It's g it's grown. It's exploded. So we encourage you guys, pause this episode. Go to godsbucketbr b godsbucketbrigade.org. Okay? Donate some money, 5, 10, 100, you know, 5,000 bucks.

Rachel: Say it five times fast.

Austin: Whatever you want. Yeah, say it five times fast.

Rachel: You'll never forget the name.

Austin: Godsbucketbrigade.org. Got it. drop him some money. Tell him you heard about him through, CCM, Austin and Rachel. And, d- John, we love you, man. Thank you for your amazing work that you're doing in the world for the homeless population in Kansas City. it's so fun seeing a bucket out, you know, because of the good work that you and your people are doing. So, godsbucketbrigade.org, check them out. We love them. So Rachel, what would you say as a result of just today's conversation, what would be one big action item, intention, commitment that someone could make after watching this episode, learning about, hey, there's these unconscious stories that are running the show? And a really good way to, you know, 180 your marriage in a lot of different areas is to understand the stories, be able to take ownership of when we're telling a story. What's a good action item that they could do today that would help further their marriage? Help them become more conscious in their, in their marriage.

Rachel: I would make a commitment to every time you feel yourself getting upset about anything or irritated or there's any kind of disconnect between you and your spouse, to get curious. That alone is really powerful, and we talk about that a lot. And there, and there's lots of tools to draw upon, but the first thing is to get curious. So getting curious and asking yourself, "What story am I making up today?" What story

Austin: What story am I making up?

Rachel: Am I making up right now?

Austin: When you feel any big emotion, 'cause one thing we say a lot, and this gets deeper into the psychology piece, but a anytime you have an attachment to something other than, "That's interesting"- there's generally a story, a good or a bad story, a positive or negative story or a label-less story, but there's a story. And so I like that. What story am I making up? If you feel any big emotion, happy, sad, angry, sexual, fearful, pause. "Hmm, what story am I making up?" That's really good.

Rachel: All right. Well, thank you all for being with us for this episode. We appreciate you. Feel free to leave a comment or contact us. We'd love to hear how our podcast is blessing you, if you've donated to any of the nonprofits. We just wanna hear from you- 'cause we love people. We love you. So thanks for being here, and we'll see you on our next episode.

Austin: See ya.