Happiness vs. Holiness in Marriage

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Rachel: I don't remember.

Austin: Yeah. Well, you probably don't remember because I probably wasn't very nice after you said it to me, and you probably blocked it from your memory. #howtosurvivetrauma.

Rachel: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast, where we help Christ-centered couples elevate every part of their heart, soul, mind, and strength. We're so thankful that you tuned in. We are your hosts, Austin and Rachel Holt, and we look forward to having you here on the podcast for the next hour.

Austin: Hour or so.

Rachel: Ish.

Austin: Yeah, it's really great to be in the studio today, first of all, with you, Rachel. And second of all, with everybody who's either watching or listening. Man, we are so thankful, so appreciative for everybody who tunes into this podcast. there's a lot of people that watch the podcast or listen to it, and, leave us comments and s send us messages, and man, we just really appreciate all of you and really appreciate the engagement and for leaning in because we're all here to lean in on our marriage. And, it's

Rachel: It's one of the greatest investments we can make.

Austin: Yeah. And I really believe, this is just a total side note, that I really believe that God stewards more to us when we steward what we already have. And so, your marriage is your first ministry, and it's this amazing gift God's given you, and if you are stewarding that gift really well then I would expect that God's gonna give you more and trust you with more in your life to steward. So. So anyways, it's just really great to be here with you today, Rach, and I'm pumped to dive into today's topic.

Rachel: Yeah. Okay, Austin, tell our listeners what are we talking about today.

Austin: So today we're talking about actually a topic that we recently spent a lot of time on in our members community at CCM. This is something that we actually took weeks and did husbands calls, wives calls, and our group calls to really dive into this, and it was such an impactful, training. And, and more than a training, a conversation. And even more than a conversation, just like the Holy Spirit like kinda reminding us and like reinvigorating our understanding around this topic that we were like, "All right. We should just go do this on the podcast." Because 95% of what we train on inside CCM is not on the podcast because that's like what, what our members get, but we like to unpack a lot of the what and, and some of the why here on the podcast because we want everybody to learn and grow in their marriage, whether they're in our program or not. But this is one of those things that I think after you and I spent, you know, two pretty deep weeks with all of our members on, we were like, "Okay, this needs to be on the podcast because this is just too important."

Like it's too important. It's too big. It's really honestly everything. You know what I mean? It's really everything. And, and honestly, most couples, like 99% of couples, they're getting this wrong. Like, like they're, they're getting it wrong, and it's been killing them or at least reducing the amount of love, joy, excitement, growth, expansion, and also their ability to worship God. It's been like killing all those things in their marriage all along.

Rachel: Yeah, and they entered marriage with this view, mindset, heart posture, not even realizing it.

Austin: Yeah, yeah. So for everybody listening, I just want you to like buckle up your seat belts, brace yourself, make sure you're sitting when I say this because I'm telling you, this might freak you out a little bit. This might actually kinda like This might mess with you a little bit here, okay? The big thing, the big mistake that almost all couples have made is that they thought their marriage would make them happy. Is that they thought their marriage would make them happy.

Rachel: Like foundationally, that that even is the purpose.

Austin: Yeah. Yeah, they thought, "If I get married, I'm gonna be happy. And the goal of my marriage is to make me happy." "And that my spouse's job is to make me happy." "And that the whole point of this is that God led me to church or wherever I found my spouse, whether it was church, work, your neighborhood, you know, wherever you were, that God led me to this amazing spouse, and we got married. And, and man, now we live in a house together and it's all cute. Maybe we got some kids. Maybe we got a dog. Maybe we got some goats. whatever we got going on. And that I thought that like the, the chief principle aim of this whole marriage thing was that I would become happy or happier." All right? And so

Rachel: That's

Austin: Go ahead.

Rachel: Yeah. I was gonna say that's not even inherently necessarily a sin or wrong because naturally we were drawn to our spouse. Like God gives us these desires, right? To be attracted to our spouse, drawn to our spouse, desiring creating this life together, and we have this excitement, this, anticipation, goal, all of this. None of that is wrong, but sometimes it is the heart posture or the underlying unconscious goal.

Austin: Yeah. And so today what we're gonna be addressing is the discussion of happiness and holiness. And essentially what we wanna do today is really address the question, can we have both? Or is there an order that these come in? And the thing we're really excited to help couples see here is that God has a way bigger plan for you in your marriage even than just happiness. And that oddly enough, pursuing happiness might be part of the problem that's keeping you stuck, stuck in either enjoying what you have now or growing to the next level in your marriage. All right. So Rachel, I want you to start with what is the problem here, or what's the opportunity here? Like what, what's the what's maybe the old way thinking that we're examining in our episode?

Rachel: Most couples enter marriage thinking that it's for them.

Austin: Yeah. For sure.

Rachel: And again, that's not inherently wrong that someone would enter into marriage thinking, "This is going to be this wonderful thing that my spouse is loving me, and I, I don't go to sleep alone anymore." "And we do things together and we get to have kids and play house." I remember that was a fun thing when we got married. I'm like it's like playing house but for real. There's a lot of many wonderful blessings that we are blessed by and that do actually give us happiness, but it's this underlying unconscious belief, sometimes conscious, that it's, marriage is for me. Like yeah, I wanna be a good spouse for you, but sometimes as life goes on, we actually want to be a good spouse for our spouse so we can get what we want. And even get what we want out of them. I remember early in our marriage I'll never forget when it clicked for me that I realized even in learning opportunities when you were upset because I had sinned against you or I had missed the mark, and you were calling me out or you were frustrated or telling me how I was at fault, I wanted to repair with you for selfish reasons.

I wanted to repair because I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be okay with me, knowing that, like, I was lovable, first of all. Of course, there's so many trainings underneath all of this, but on this point is I wanted to feel lovable. I wanted to have a good marriage. I wanted that status. I wanted for you to not be upset with me anymore because then I would be okay. That's all selfish. I was focused on me, what I wanted, how I could feel better, and not that those can shouldn't be motivators or can't be motivators but I wasn't focusing on you and the mission of honoring Christ and serving you and laying my life down for you in this act of sanctification. To summarize that, the first part of the problem is that couples enter marriage to make them happy. They think that marriage, the purpose of marriage is to make them happy.

Austin: Yeah, and if that happiness ever feels like it kinda gets at stake, then they start to freak out. And then, and then they lose out on one of the most amazing things God has for them, which we'll talk about here in a second. And so the second part of the problem is that a lotta times what happens in marriage is when you might have an integrity breach or you might be struggling with some kinda sin, inherently, this person that you are super close to, you live with you spend your life with, you share everything with, et cetera, they kinda become this mirror over time, and they have this divine ability to reflect back to you some of the very things that maybe you don't love about yourself, you're frustrated about yourself, that you don't want others to see in you, okay? Because ultimately they are revealing your sin back to you. And instead of realizing that maybe God has a purpose for that then that's when people typically like to get angry, control, withdraw, stonewall, shut down, redirect, or even the desire to want to get back at their spouse because their spouse may have pointed out for them something that they were doing that ultimately did not align with who they are.

I, I remember in our early, early days of being married that, I remember one time that, you and I were, hanging out with a bunch of people. It was, like, after one of our college ministry nights, and, and, this guy had showed up that, we didn't know, but he and his, maybe his wife, girlfriend, I can't remember, came and, and they were talking about how they just got into youth ministry and, you know, all that. And I remember I just made some kinda comment that was like, "Yeah, I remember being in youth ministry, and man, it was so easy compared to being in, you know, college, young adult ministry. That's the hard ministry." Or I just said something like that, and it wasn't very considerate. It wasn't very loving. It was It, you know, I, I was I'm not sure what I wanted out of the room for why I said that, but we were then in the car on the way home, and I remember you pointed out to me.

You were like, "Hey, like, when you said that earlier, like, my story about that was, like, here's what you were kinda communicating to them. Here's how you were trying to make yourself look," and it just didn't really align with the kinda leader and, like, man that you are. And I did not take it well. I didn't know how to take it. I, I'd never even had training on how to take that type of, not rebuking but just like you lovingly pointed out to me a way that I could have been way better. And instead of doing the humble thing, I did the selfish thing, and I defended myself because I was uncomfortable with those feelings that I was feeling about myself. But I didn't know then that God was actually using you to do something more powerful than to make me happy, is that your comments to me was actually revealing something in me, and that's part of the design of marriage. You know, and this is part of the big idea we wanna talk about here today, is that, like, that interaction between you and I was not a malfunction of the marriage. it was actually a mechanism that God was using to grow me.

It was actually a mechanism that God was using, AKA you, my wife, inside my marriage, to make me more holy. And when you called me out on that, there was, like, this momentary, like, drop in happiness, and that was my only focus in that moment, was, like, how I felt about myself. And so then I hyper-focused on that, and I was missing the lesson. And it wasn't 'til, like, days, weeks, months, years, I don't know, later that I, I finally chilled out enough to be like, "Oh," like, Rachel was growing me in that moment, and I didn't know how to see that yet. And yes, g you know, God, has intended for you to experience many amazing things in marriage, like you said earlier. Like, he wants you to feel, love and joy and peace and have fun, and, and there's sex, and there's eating great foods. There are all kinds of things. Like, God, God has intended

Rachel: I mean, snuggling. Come on

Austin: Snuggling, yeah, all of that. You know, there's, we got oxytocin

Rachel: Snuggle partner for life

Austin: And dopamine and all that, yes. So there is absolutely part of God's design, is that within marriage there's this satisfaction. There's this joy. There's fun. Like- God, I mean, did not have to make sex as fun as it is. He didn't have to make good-tasting food and making meals together and snuggling together and building a life together so pleasurable and enjoyable. He did all those things on purpose. But the goal of marriage is a lot bigger than that. The purpose of marriage is a lot bigger than that. It's something way more on mission, and it's really bigger than happiness. And one thing that we teach couples is that the byproduct of following that mission, like, the byproduct of that purpose is all the other things. Okay? When we are honoring the mission, when we're looking at the biggest picture of marriage, then we get all those other things.

Rachel: Yeah. If you're focusing on getting happiness through the marriage, it is your happiness that's at stake at all times. But if you're focusing on becoming more holy and allowing God to sanctify you- That happiness is one of the many byproducts.

Austin: Yeah, because there's a divine order to things. I mean, you know, sometimes people ask me, they're like, "Austin, how do you know what's true?" And I'm like, "Well, there's an order to truth," and I, I could show you the divine order of the universe, of biology, of everything, that's gonna help you realize, oh, there's an order to things, and if that order is broken, it leads to death. Okay? So, like, for me, when I look at truth, I think, like, what produces the fruit of life? And if it produces the fruit of life, it's probably true. If it produces the fruit of death, it's probably not true. It's probably false. It's probably a sin. It's probably missing the mark. So there is a divine order to things, and when we focus on happiness, we end up just getting frustrated, especially in situations like the one that I shared. So, like, in that moment, and I'll never forget, we were driving in my car away from that person's apartment.

I can literally remember everything we were doing.

Rachel: This clearly was so much more impactful for you. I don't remember.

Austin: Yeah. Well, you probably don't remember because I probably wasn't very nice after you said it to me, and you probably blocked it from your memory, #howtosurvivetrauma. But, there is a divine order to things, and in that moment, I was focused on my happiness, and I missed the bigger thing that God wanted me to experience there, which ultimately was to grow me. Okay? And when we focus on this mission first, when we focus on the mission of becoming holy, which is to be more like Christ, and to be prepared for His return, then we get this divine satisfaction that's like a glimpse into what we're gonna experience in Heaven. And divine satisfaction is gonna beat happiness all day long, okay? Because our ultimate purpose in life, I, I believe this, I mean, Isaiah talks about our purpose of worshiping and honoring God. The purpose of marriage, we believe, is that ultimately, God is going to use our marriage to make us more holy and prepare us for the return of Christ.

Okay? Just like the Church is being prepared for Christ, we are being prepared as well. And we believe that God is using our marriage to sanctify us and to make us more holy. And when we focus on that, okay, and we're gonna talk about this more in a second, but when we focus on that, then even all of our hardest moments become an act of worship. Like all of our hardest moments actually are getting us closer and closer to this satisfaction that we are becoming more like Christ. Because I'd rather be more like Christ than happy, 'cause my flesh is really focused on happy, you know, but my spirit is focused on sanctification. And where the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak, right? There's times where I want to recognize that, yes, there might be moments of earthly happiness I'd love to experience, but more than that, I wanna honor God. I want to be sanctified. I wanna be more and more like Christ.

And if we do it in that order, then we will have a sanctification that'll beat holiness all day long.

Rachel: Yeah. It reminds me of the scripture we were just talking about earlier in Romans, where we are sharing in Christ's suffering, and we are co-heirs with Christ. It's, it's actually incredible. The whole, Romans 7 and 8 are really powerful, but, "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now, if we are children, then we are heirs. Heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ." And this is the point I wanna drive home, is, "If indeed we share in His sufferings, in order that we may also share in His glory." And that is, like, us being prepared, like the Bride of Christ being prepared for His glory, which is Heaven.

Austin: Yeah, and I love that, and the other thing that I just have to share on that, you know, we do a lot of identity work. It's really, really big for us. And it's, our belief that if you are, if you don't have an identity that's in Christ, you'll never be satisfied. You'll never be satisfied in this life, ever. 'Cause I've talked to people that have every single thing you could ever think you'd want, from money, from people of the opposite sex, to houses, cars, fame, assets, you name it, all those different things, yet they cannot find an unshakable happiness. It's because they cannot find an unshakable identity. And like he says there, like Paul is saying there, is that, this, the Holy Spirit testifies to our spirit that we are heirs, okay, to the Kingdom and co-heirs with Christ. So it's like there is only one entity in the universe that can affirm your identity in an unshakable way, and it's the Holy Spirit. And if the Holy Spirit is not testifying to your spirit about who you really are on the inside, then you'll believe whatever the world says about you.

So, this episode's not necessarily about, like, personal identity, you know, development work. But for anyone who's listening, like, I just wanna help you understand, the only way you'll have an unshakable identity is in Christ. Okay?

Rachel: Yeah. Well, that was a really great thing, because our last episode was on identity. I don't know if you remember that.

Austin: That's right. Oh, that's right. Okay, all right.

Rachel: Building.

Austin: So, all right, so we talked about the problem. All right. So just re-summarizing super, super quick, the problem is essentially, number one, a lot of couples get into marriage thinking it will make them happy. Number two, they don't realize that when they get into marriage, God is gonna use their spouse to sanctify them and to make them more holy.

Rachel: Juicy.

Austin: And that, yep, that can cause a lot of juicy problems until you understand that frame. So the next thing we're gonna talk about is kinda the solution here. And the solution is what we call shifting from the happiness blueprint to the holiness blueprint.

Rachel: Yeah. Love it.

Austin: All right, so the first thing that we're gonna talk about before we jump into the more tactical shift that we really believe couples, can make, is I first wanna go over a little bit of doctrine, scripture conversation, just so everybody really has a clear understanding of these words and what they mean, because I think these words sometimes are used interchangeably, in the Church and different teachings. And so I just wanna give everyone, like, a super, super quick scripture doctrine, overview of three really, really very important concepts. One being consecration, okay? two being sanctification, and three being holiness. And think of these sort of linearly, because this is the order that we're gonna really unpack these today, of consecration, sanctification, holiness. So Rachel, why don't you, really start to unpack consecration for us first, and what that looks like really specifically in marriage, too?

Rachel: Yeah. Consecration is our decision to surrender our lives and our marriages to God. So we're choosing to give our lives to God, and set aside our lives in service to the Kingdom. So Romans 12:1-2 says- Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice. That's offering up to the Lord. Holy and pleasing to God. This is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, His good, pleasing, and perfect will

Austin: Okay, so what does it look like for a couple to So let let's just say the kind of Well, well, before we get into the steps, what, just what does it look like in one or two sentences for a couple to consecrate their marriage?

Rachel: It is, like, dedicating their marriage to God and, and praying to the Lord and saying, "God, our marriage is an act of worship to you. We give it to you. Our marriage, our marriage's purpose is to bring glory to your name." And that's the ultimate purpose.

Austin: Love it. Yeah. I love that. And it's, I think it's also saying, too, like, "God, do what you will with our marriage. Like in our marriage, your will be done. Like, here we are, open hands, like, we're opening the door. God, come in, take it all, direct it all, guide it all." I love it.

Rachel: S that's super exciting, by the way.

Austin: Yeah. Oh, a

Rachel: Because when you do that, anything can happen in an awesome, exciting way.

Austin: All right. So the second word that we wanna define, second word we wanna talk through just real quick here is sanctification. And sanctification happens after we have chosen to consecrate our lives. It's this process where the Holy Spirit becomes, to work inside of us. So think of, think of consecration as, like, I'm opening the door and I'm asking the Holy Spirit to come inside me. So the Holy Spirit, begins to work inside us and begins to transform us from the inside out. By transforming us, the Holy Spirit is purifying us, the Holy Spirit is renewing us. Ultimately, the Holy Spirit is making us more like Christ. Christ is the ultimate example of purity. He's the ultimate example of holiness. And so we open the door by consecrating, by that prayer you said a second ago. "God, here's our marriage. It's for you." That opens the door, then the Holy Spirit's like, "Okay, all right, now you're ready. Now you're ready for me to come in and change things in you that you could have never done without me."

'Cause li like it's Go ahead.

Rachel: He's not gonna do it without you wanting it, 'cause he's, he's not gonna be like, "You're my robot." "From here more, I'm gonna make you do what I want." He comes t to the invitation.

Austin: Yeah, that's right. And we, we verbalize that invitation. We might feel that way, but maybe we've never actually verbalized the invitation. Just like in Matthew when they were talking about how to pray, and Jesus is like, "God already knows." Like, "My Father in Heaven already knows what you're gonna say, but He wants you to pray it anyways." Okay, 'cause that's the relationship. Right? So again, here with, with sanctification, okay, with consecration too, it's like maybe the person listening today, any of you out there, have never verbalized, "Huh, okay, yeah, God, do whatever you want with my marriage." Like, "It's yours. We're giving it to you. Here it is." So that's opening this door. We're inviting the Spirit to come in and do things only the Spirit can do. And again, this is why I'm so convinced if you are not a Christian, you cannot have a wildly powerful, fulfilling, satisfying marriage because only the Spirit can testify, okay, that you are an heir to the Kingdom of God and a co-heir with Christ.

And that the Spirit, like every Christian, if you talk to a s a Christian, whether new or even seasoned, they're gonna tell you things that non-believers will never tell you, okay, about how the Spirit speaks to them in ways, how the Spirit illuminates things to them, how the Spirit shifts their heart and shifts their minds. Like, there is nothing in this world that can satisfy. Nothing that can satisfy, that is apart from the Holy Spirit. So we consecrate, we sanctify, and then the Holy Spirit begins to come into our life and make all these changes that maybe you've been trying to make for years or decades, and never could seem to actually get them done. But the Spirit has this way of transforming you from the inside out. So I'd like to look at, 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24. Paul's letter to the church in Thessalonica, he said, "Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely." "And may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

He who calls you is faithful. He will surely do it." So that's a beautiful thing. So it's like, he who is calling you to be sanctified is faithful, so surely He will do it. All right? So when we have chosen to fully give our lives and marriage over to God, we get this amazing gift. And, and, and it's like clockwork, where we've walked people through this, where they haven't felt like the Spirit has been, like, moving in their life and in their marriage yet, and then all of a sudden they make this deep commitment this covenant with God. Like, "God, our marriage is yours." Even just the language of, "Lord, we're consecrating. We're setting it aside for you. God, rush in. Holy Spirit, rush in and, and and change us from the inside out. Purify us. Even if it hurts, purify us." And then all of a sudden they start seeing things happening in their marriage and in their life. which brings us to, holiness.

All right? So holiness, another, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful word. Holiness is a state of being, is the state of being of ultimate purity. Okay? I don't believe that we can get to 100% purity while we're in this life. So I grew up Nazarene and, and we, we were big on this thing called sanctification we just talked about and this thing called entire sanctification or complete sanctification. And I, I, my goal is that by the time I get to Heaven, I am completely sanctified. That's my goal. I'm not quite sure I'm gonna get there, but that's definitely gonna be my goal, is I want to be entirely sanctified. Every thought, every word, every action, every deed, I want to be I want it to be holy. I want it to be like Christ would do. And so holiness is this state where it's, it's a state that we're working towards, okay? Only God, only Christ can fully embody holiness. This is what I want people to understand.

Holiness is the standard in which we're working towards. Okay, so 1 Peter, let me, let me, let me pull this up too here. So 1 Peter, 15 through 16 says Wrong page. Standby, guys. 1 Peter 15 through 16. Actually, I'm gonna go to 14 'cause I, I like to add 14 to it. 14 through 16 says, "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance." Okay? "But as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" Okay, like, what a beautiful thing. He's like, "As obedient children, don't go back to the way that you were before because bef you were a certain way before me, and now you're a certain way with me after me. And, I'm going to make you holy, as I am holy." So when we consecrate our lives, we ask the Holy Spirit to come in and change us, this state of holiness begins, where our thoughts change, our words change.

And people of, even from the inside out, will start to look at us and go, "That person does look more like Christ." And Christ being the standard of holiness, th this is really amazing, is it looks like this. The standard that, like, Rachel and I, and, like, the couples that we work with in CCM, that we, we want their life to look like, the standard is not, oh, I was a little better than I was yesterday. Okay? Like, I love the personal development world. I love that space. We've been in it for a long time. They're missing a big part. I mean, the, a lot of the personal development space is missing Christ. But a big thing they're missing is, if you can just be a little bit better than you were yesterday then you're doing great. I'm not saying I disagree with that. I do think if I'm a little bit better than yesterday, then I am doing better. But the standard is not Austin a little bit better tomorrow than Austin today.

The standard is

Rachel: That's not what we're comparing ourselves to.

Austin: No. The standard is, how much more like Christ am I becoming? Because if I set this standard of, like, well, if tomorrow I can be Austin

Rachel: 1% better.

Austin: Yeah, if I can be

Rachel: Which is not bad

Austin: If I can be Austin times, you know, .101, you know or 1.01, that's what I meant to say, then great. But that's not the standard I wanna measure my life by. The standard is Christ. I wanna measure my life by tomorrow I want to look more like Christ. Okay? And so, re- I'm summarizing this one more time, 'cause back when I was in elementary school, they said if people repeat things 50,000 times, it's really, really important.

Rachel: I think it's smart.

Austin: Yeah. Thank you. We consecrate ourselves. The Holy Spirit responds by sanctifying us, okay? So that we become more holy, to look, think, talk, and walk more like Christ each day. Okay? and here's what's really beautiful, everyone, like, I, I wanna land this plane, is that the amazing thing is that the Holy Spirit uses lots of different mechanisms to sanctify us and to purify us, and to make us more holy. Okay? He uses the Holy Spirit. Okay? He uses the word of God. All right? And He uses our spouse. He literally uses our spouse as a mechanism of making us more holy. So, like, how cool is that? That if you think about it from this perspective in your marriage, that not only are you getting to be a part of the marriage, but you are being an instrument of God to your spouse. And if you're not looking at it the right way, that can drive you nuts.

Rachel: It really can.

Austin: Okay? If you're operating off of this happiness blueprint

Rachel: Then you'll say, "Stop chewing that way."

Austin: Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. If you operate off this happiness blueprint, then it's like every time your spouse calls you out on something, it's like, how dare you call me out? Like, wow, you just made me upset. But if you operate on this holiness blueprint, it shifts from like, how dare you call me out, to like, hey, thank you for loving me enough to see the best in me and call it up and out so that I can be more like Christ.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah. That is so good. And so one of the big, the big shift that we want you guys, our listeners, to take away from this is shifting your mindset from marriage, marriage's purpose, my goal is to be happy or to make me happy, to the purpose of my marriage is to make me more holy. And so just take on this perspective of God will use my spouse to uncover my sin so that I can further give every area of my life and my heart to Him, so that He can transform me. So that I can be a better example of Christ to the world, vessel for the kingdom. Our marriage can be this amazing ministry. Our sin is blind spots, really. And that's the cool part of marriage, is we have a mirror. You know, Jesus said, "Stop picking at the speck." You know, if we, if we take it for marriage, stop picking at the speck in your spouse's eye. You got a plank.

And if you're looking for the plank and when your spouse tells you there's a plank, but you're expecting it and you want it it's, it's totally a different heart posture.

Austin: And, and if that's, if that's the blueprint, then you're winning. Like, if that's the scorecard, you're winning. You know? So if you, if you're operating off that, the blueprint of like, well, marriage is gonna make me happy, so then my scorecard matches the blueprint, right? So it's like the blueprint says marriage will make me happy. So then if there's a moment where I'm not happy because my spouse just pointed out my sin or pointed out a way that I could heal and grow then, like, that would be seen as a negative. But if your blueprint is, like you just said, that, God will use my spouse to uncover my sin and make me more holy, then when our spouse does do that, even if it hurts, which I, I

Rachel: It hurts

Austin: I want you to read that scripture in Hebrews, here in a second. Even if it hurts, it's still a win.

Rachel: Because that is what we are expecting and looking for.

Austin: Right. Yeah. We're asking for it.

Rachel: Exactly. So in Hebrews 12:11, it says, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful." Right? A lot of us have probably heard this. But think of this in context of your marriage. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Isn't that amazing? That your marriage, through the, the commitment and, you know, the sanctification of your spouse being willing to call you out, and you being willing to receive it you are producing a harvest of righteousness and peace. That's beautiful.

Austin: Yeah. And again, happiness blueprint produces what? Like, rightness and happiness maybe that's fleeting and doesn't last, and doesn't actually make you become more like Christ. You know, but if, if we're on this holiness blueprint, if we're going into it thinking, okay, like when you and I do premarital, one of the first things we do, when And, and, and by the way, we don't do tons of premarital. We have other coaches that will do premarital. But we, we do very, very, very select premarital. I don't wanna get, like, 500 emails

Rachel: Yeah, don't. Yeah

Austin: About doing premarital. we don't have the bandwidth right now. But, when we do premarital, this is one of the first things we set 'em up with. We're like, "Hey, you have to understand going into this okay, before you actually put the rings on, you gotta know this," that like what you might think is frustration is iron sharpening iron. What you might think is, like, your spouse, like, attacking you or calling you out or whatever, it's, it's not. It's the Holy Spirit is gonna use your marriage to make you guys more holy because He ultimately wants you more like Christ, okay? And so it's amazing, like, when you shift that perspective, then all of a sudden, again, I think we said this earlier, too, every hard moment becomes like an act of worship to God. Every hard moment becomes an opportunity for you to love God through how you receive feedback from your spouse and how you give feedback to your spouse. And, and like we said before, and I think everybody on this call can relate to this, hopefully you can, if you're not yet a believer, then this might be hard to relate to, but there's this satisfaction of seeing, of being corrected and disciplined by God, and then seeing the fruit of the correction.

And you're like, "Oh." "Thank you, God. You knew better than me." "You protected me from me."

Rachel: It's like us with our kids. We're like, "You just don't know it yet."

Austin: Yeah. You just don't know yet.

Rachel: "You just don't know, but this is harmful to you."

Austin: Yeah. That's right. And so you have to understand, to the person listening, your spouse sees you up close. Everything that you try to hide, they will probably see. And, and it's, it's, it can be really frustrating when someone reveals the very thing we've been trying to conceal. Okay? It's kinda like, you know, if someone, you know, has a, a blemish on their face and they try to cover it up with something, and someone's like, "Oh, you got like a little thing on your face over there." Like, "I was trying to cover that up. Like, what's your problem?" You know? Marriage is just like that. It's like, "I was trying to cover that up," and you just revealed it, okay?

Rachel: Excavating over there.

Austin: Yeah. Excavating past my concealer, okay? And so, so then what happens is if you're not thinking this way, then all those things become landmines. Okay? So, like, even in trauma work, we teach this. It's like, all those things that you haven't resolved yet, okay, the memories, the beliefs, the, the wounds, the, the traumas, all those things, they're paired with heavy, heavy, heavy emotion, okay? And if we don't disarm those things when our spouse steps on 'em, all of a sudden, all the years of pent-up emotion comes with it, boom, and we have a blowup. That's why people get triggered, okay? Someone says something. It triggers a belief in us. It's attached to a big emotion. Okay, we have the big blowup. And then we're uncomfortable with those feelings we're feeling, so we start coping with it. And usually, that coping is really destructive to the marriage, okay? That's a more, like, the happiness blueprint will tell you that's what you should do. Like, then you need to fight and defend and explain yourself so you'll feel better about yourself.

Well, what did we just read in Hebrews 12:11? "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace," which that's all we want. People just want peace. They want righteousness. They want love. They wanna, they, they, they wanna feel what they think is happiness is actually more like righteousness and satisfaction. And so if you're looking at marriage, in our opinion, through the wrong way, every time a learning opportunity comes up, okay, it's gonna look more like someone stepping on a landmine and exploding your happiness.

Rachel: Yeah. You're super mad and frustrated- 'cause you're like, "I don't wanna be feeling this right now."

Austin: Yes. Versus your spouse revealing something in you, and then you being like, "Oh, wow, what is God teaching me right now through their feedback?" What's Like, even let's just say that you struggle with your spouse, y you, you call their feedback criticism, okay? You know, we like to look at, you know, criticism as feedback. And yes, there is a spectrum, and when someone can be hypercritical, it may be at the expense of someone's, you know, maybe their, their self-esteem, et cetera. Like, we, we get it. There's a range here. But in most scenarios with w especially with couples we work with, we get them to the point where criticism is more like, "I am going to receive your criticism as feedback because I know you love me and I know you want what's best for me." All right? But if you're stuck in this old way of thinking like, "Oh, my spouse just gave me criticism, so now I need to defend myself so I'll feel happy again."

If instead you can go, "Oh, wow, my spouse just gave me the gift of feedback, and they only give me feedback because they love me and because they want me to be better. And because of their proximity to me and their intimacy with me, the Holy Spirit is gonna use them to sharpen something inside me." Okay? When that is your shift, then again, even the hardest moments, which still might be painful, okay, even the hardest moments are gonna help you become more like Christ. And there's this thing that happens, okay, is when you realize that even the hardest moments, the iron sharpening iron moments in marriage- Just like when you and I were in that car that night and you called me out, and I didn't wanna admit it, but I was like, "Oh, wow, I probably look like an idiot," okay? Like, I felt it, and the sparks were flying, okay? You might not be able to see them, but the sparks were flying.

And back then, it, it, it made it, it, I lost my happiness in that moment, because that's all I was focused on. But now there's this satisfaction that comes with, oh, Rachel just revealed something to me in love, and the Holy Spirit is speaking to me through her and it's making me more like Christ. It's actually making me more holy, and that is satisfying. And here's why. This is even, we could back this by all kinds of studies, even from the, on the therapy, coaching, counseling perspective as well. Guys, if you really wanna get through a lot of your trauma, a lot of your pain, a lot of your discomfort, you know, the, the discomforts of your past, all that, it's to vindicate everything you ever went through and give it purpose. That's one of the most beautiful things ever. Like, when we're doing that kind of work with people, and they've gone through these traumas or they have PTSD or they have these deep-seated fears or beliefs they can't change or all these difficult distortions, adaptations, all that, one of the most satisfying things is like, well, we can give purpose to all of that, because how is God redeeming that?

How is God vindicating that? Okay? So if you can shift this perspective from the happiness blueprint to the holiness blueprint then all the most painful moments your marriage has ever had, God was actually building you all along. And now He's gonna, now you know from here and forward, He's building you all the way. So how satisfying is it that I get to experience joy in my joy, and I get to experience joy when I'm being sharpened? Joy when my sin is being revealed. Joy when my stuff is being called out. Joy when the most unholy parts of myself are being wrung out so they can be made holy. What is more satisfying than that? Nothing.

Rachel: Nothing. Yeah.

Austin: Nothing is more satisfying to know that no matter what happens, I can be becoming more and more sanctified so that I can be more and more holy to be more and more like Christ who saved me.

Rachel: Yeah. Consider it pure joy, and also, that He is working all things together for our good. It's like those two thing, sh those two scriptures, exactly what you're talking about.

Austin: We've helped so many couples that they butted heads forever because they thought that momentary loss of happiness meant failure.

Rachel: Yes. It's the stories that we attach to things that that's where our pain comes from, is we're telling a story, this means this about me or us or our identity is at stake.

Austin: Yeah. And the new way here, the new story, it's instead of thinking, that, yeah, every time we butt heads or have momentary drops of happiness, we're failing, it's like, oh, huh, we're out of sync here. We're out of flow here. There must be a lesson here. The Holy Spirit must be trying to get our attention and teach us something right here, right now. And when we shift it to that place, we kind of stop asking, like, whose fault is this? And we start going, "Lord, what do you have for us here?" That's satisfaction. It's to know that no matter what we face, the Lord is gonna work something out in us. Because true peace isn't knowing what's, like, gonna happen. Like, peace is knowing that no matter what happens, we're gonna be okay. And so I just encourage anybody who's listening here today, before we jump into the nonprofit, anybody who's listening, I just want you to really maybe, like, ask the Spirit right now, like, ask the Lord, like, "Lord," like, "is this a commitment you want me to make, like, to consecrate my life to you?" are you calling me right now in this moment?

Did I find this podcast episode today because maybe I haven't, or I haven't for a long time fully given my life and my marriage over to you? Not, not necessarily I'm talking about sanctification, or, I'm sorry, salvation. If it's salvation, then great. Give your life to the Lord right here, right now, and then let us know so we can celebrate it with you. I'm assuming that most people listening to this do have their salvation, but maybe you've never or you haven't in a long time consecrated. And say, "Lord, are you calling me t to do that right now? Are you calling me to re-up that commitment right here, right now?"

Rachel: Yeah, or maybe as a couple, you've never done it together. And either you're listening to this together, or you're gonna share it with your spouse so that you can be on the same page and really truly consecrate your marriage to the Lord.

Austin: Yeah. And when you do that, I want you to expect that the Lord is gonna show up. Expect, because He promises in scripture that He will. Okay? When two or more, Jesus says this, "When two or more in agreement, they ask for something in my Father's name, He will give it to them." Okay? N- Now, I believe those things need to align with the Lord, okay?

Rachel: In biblical, His will.

Austin: Yeah. If you both

Rachel: And in the truth and the Bible

Austin: If you both are in agreement that you want, you know, God to give you a Lambo, it's probably not gonna plop into your living room.

Rachel: Plop.

Austin: But I can promise you that if with your, with your honest hearts, you say- "Lord, we, we are consecrating our lives to you, and we ask that your Holy Spirit would enter our hearts and sanctify us," Yahweh is gonna show up for you.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. So that leads me perfectly to the action step that we want to give you, our listeners, today. So we wanna encourage you that you as a couple can consecrate your marriage unto the Lord. So this looks like you pray together and make a once and for all decision that you are giving your marriage to God. And then and only then will the Holy Spirit do a work in you that you actually couldn't do on your own. Chances are you've maybe been trying so hard to do it on your own. And this will move you more towards holiness, and then you will experience more bliss in your marriage.

Austin: Yeah, without the Spirit moving in you, there is no amount of counseling, coaching, therapy, healing work, et cetera, that will actually be able to give you the satisfaction that you're looking for. It can only be done if the Holy Spirit is moving inside you, sanctifying you and purifying you.

Rachel: 'Cause it is the Holy Spirit that gives you the capability to enjoy all that God has for you in your marriage. And now you get to begin that journey which includes doing the work and allowing the Holy Spirit to do a work in you.

Austin: Yeah, that's the amazing thing, is that when the Spirit does begin moving i within us, our capabilities change, our capacity changes, and, and then we get to join in and co-labor. with the, with the, with the Holy Spirit in that work, you know? Which there's still work for us to do, for sure. Like, there's healing work, and there's integration, and there's coming up with all the different things that we do to, like, continue to integrate our marriage together and, and honor each other. And then there's this beautiful peace and satisfaction that comes with. And there's some things that only the Holy Spirit can do within us that we cannot do apart from Him. And praise be to God that we have a way, that we have access, through the Son to the Father for that work to be done in our lives. So, everybody, thank you so much for listening, watching this episode today. we really hope that it encouraged you. We really hope that the Word of God spoke to you, through this episode.

And it's really, our hearts' desire that you at least consider that maybe in your marriage, and maybe even in life in general, you've been operating on that happiness blueprint, where that became the scorecard to everything that you did. Like, did it make me happy or not? And we just want you to consider shifting that over to what we believe is this new way, this new self even that Paul talks about, that, I will look at my marriage through the lens of how is the Holy Spirit using my spouse, using my marriage to make me more holy? And it's just our hearts' desire that if you would, you'd make that shift, and like Rachel just led, of actually consecrating your marriage, taking the time to grab your spouse, say, say a prayer together, and pray and consecrate, that the Holy Spirit would do big things in your life, that God would move in big ways through your life. And again, we would tell you to expect that to happen.

So, thank you for being, or listening to this episode again today. And, we ask that you give us a, a like, a comment, a thumbs up, a subscribe, a heart, whatever platform you're on. Share this with a friend. Share this with a bunch of friends. if you, need any more information about who we are, what we do, how we help couples, you can visit our website at theconsciouschristianmarriage.com. We always love hearing from people, and we always love seeing, new families, that come into our ecosystem and into our community so that we can do life together. So, thanks for watching. We love you all. We pray for you all, and we'll see you on the next episode.