A Common Marriage Cancer and the Simple Cure

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Austin: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage Podcast, where we help high-impact Christian couples level up their marriage one episode at a time. We are your hosts, Austin and Rachel Holt, and we're very excited you have joined us for this episode today.

Rachel: Yeah. So today we're gonna be talking about one habit, one bad habit, that every couple, we believe, every single couple has struggled with in their marriage at one point or another. And what we're gonna be doing is sharing a little bit why it happens, the damage that it can cause, and the extremely easy it's actually very easy

Austin: It it's actually super easy

Rachel: Conscious shift that you can make that will actually not only avoid creating drama in your marriage, but it's gonna help you get and create exactly what you want.

Austin: Yeah. And you might be sitting there thinking to yourself a couple questions, like, okay, could this really be that easy? Is this really gonna help my marriage? you know, what stories or examples are we gonna share? And, you know, and what context are we gonna share this from? And I promise you, we're gonna answer those questions and really help you understand this is an easy thing. It it really is an easy shift. You know, part of it's some heart posture, you know, type thing. But in terms of just how you live out your marriage and your daily life, this is gonna be a really simple shift. We're gonna give you the framework. We're gonna give you some language to help you with it, and we really believe that if you pay close attention today and you try it out humbly it's gonna make a big impact in your marriage. Because we've seen it happen not only in our marriage, but in hundreds of couples that we've worked with.

And, no one's really ever been like, "That didn't work," so. I, I don't think This is one of those things where no one has ever been like, "Yeah, we tried that, and it just didn't work." It's usually like- "Yeah, we did that, and all of a sudden we were, like, connecting more and having sex more and more excited to see each other all the time." And it's just really cool. So to God be the glory. Let's go.

Rachel: Yeah. It's kinda like, you know, a lot of things we teach, you can't unlearn it. Once you know then you can spot it in the future.

Austin: Yeah, so we're warning you in a good way. If you listen or watch today's episode

Rachel: You can't un-hear it

Austin: Yeah, you can't un-hear this. And it, and it's probably gonna bring some, you know, feelings about yourself, some reflections, and that's okay. That's great because

Rachel: That's a point of growth

Austin: If you're watching or listening to this podcast, you're probably a growth-oriented person. So this is actually, like, super way up your alley. So congratulations that you are here. So all right, Rachel, what are we actually talking about today?

Rachel: We're talking about complaints.

Austin: Ooh.

Rachel: So whether or not, you know, you like to admit it or not we've all complained about our spouse at one point or another. Whether it was in our head whether we said it out loud, whether we said it to somebody else, or we said it to them. So this could

Austin: Can you just stop talking above the mic?

Rachel: Oh, my gosh. I was like, did I mess up?

Austin: Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha.

Rachel: Oh, okay. All right, so what this looks like You were giving You were jumping to the examples. Thank you.

Austin: Oh, yeah, you're welcome.

Rachel: Thank you. I'm gonna have to go back

Austin: You just said it up

Rachel: And watch my face on that

Austin: Yeah, and the volume of your laugh. It was up there, too. I'll, I'll edit that down.

Rachel: I know, thanks.

Austin: You set me up for that one. I couldn't- I couldn't pass it up.

Rachel: All right. So all right, guys, what this looks like, some juicy examples. I asked you to empty the dishwasher, but you, you literally only did a seventh of it. You know? Like, you should empty the whole thing. You said you would empty it. You should have emptied the whole thing, right? Or,

Austin: You are always home late. Always home late.

Rachel: Ugh. So these are, let me be super clear, these are unconscious statements. These are complaints

Austin: The complaints, yeah

Rachel: Or feeling leaks. And we're gonna teach you what they're actually pointing to. We're gonna teach you how to be introspective about this.

Austin: I am mad, or I can't stand it that I'm always the one that has to take out the trash. That's a complaint.

Rachel: Complaint.

Austin: Mm-hmm. You're on your phone way too much.

Rachel: Yeah, juicy. That one's a good one for everyone.

Austin: Yeah. Dinner is never ready by 6:00.

Rachel: Yeah. When I come home, you don't stop what you're doing and greet me at the door. Okay, what about, you never defend me to your family.

Austin: Mm-hmm, yep. You never initiate sex. It's like you don't even want to have sex with me. And

Rachel: So in case you needed examples, those are some examples of complaints. And we're actually going to at the end take these same complaints, and we're going to pivot them so that you get lots of hands-on, pivots and shifts so that you can be equipped with this tool to take any complaint and turn it into something powerful. We're not telling you what that is yet. But yeah, what we do here at CCM, with all of our couples is help them to shift all complaints to requests.

Austin: To requests.

Rachel: So complaints

Austin: 'Cause really

Rachel: Are actually leaking feeling. So like if you ever say anything negative, there's a reason for it. And it's not a conscious one. It's leaking unconsciously and creating literally the opposite of what you want, right? Like if you want your husband to get off the phone and you're like, "You're always on your phone. You're not even looking at me." Well, you're creating disconnection by complaining. What you really want is connection. So complaints mask a hidden desire and a hidden request.

Austin: Yeah, because ultimately, like in that example, like if a wife says, "Hey," like, "get off your phone," or, "You're always on your phone," she was actually just feeling sad, right? And I know we'll talk about this in a minute, but instead of actually articulating that, she hides her request as a complaint. And then she starts to project, you know, this kinda angry, upset energy which makes her harder to connect to which generally is gonna make him wanna be on his phone more. So like you said it's actually a feeling leak, and instead of just being with the feeling, we complain. And we'll talk about why it's harder to make Some, sometimes it's harder to make a request. And so ultimately, like you said, you just create more and more and more of what you want. 'Cause you're focusing on

Rachel: Of what you

Austin: The negative

Rachel: Don't want, yeah.

Austin: So then you get more of it. You're just putting the spotlight, you know, on the maybe the negative emotion and then projecting it outward, and then your spouse is like, "Ugh. Ooh, man, that's, that's tough to connect with."

Rachel: Yeah. So really what it, what it creates is a ton of disconnection. So complaints or not making honest, honorable requests create disconnection.

Austin: Yeah. Because ultimately a- Complaint is just a request shrouded in fear. Is really what it is. You know, ultimately, when someone wants to make a request, if they don't feel connected enough, if they don't feel safe enough, if they, again, if like, if they feel disconnected, then they won't actually choose to be vulnerable and make a request. Because complaining doesn't really require much vulnerability, you know?

Rachel: It does not.

Austin: It's pretty easy to be like, "You're always on your phone," because then if they react poorly to that, which they're probably going to, you're not getting, really getting rejected, you know? It's riskier to say something like, "Hey, I'd like to make a request

Rachel: Yeah, it's vulnerable

Austin: That you're, that you're not on your phone right now and connect with me more." Well, then if your spouse turns you down on that, that would be unfortunate. Which I hope everyone listening here today would be humble enough, loving enough in those situations to generally turn towards your spouse, right? Like talking about turning towards a bid for attention. But I just want everyone to understand that a complaint is just a request that's shrouded in fear. It's just shrouded in some fear or some insecurity. and the more that we're willing to be vulnerable and actually make a request, it lands. But when we complain, first thing is disconnection.

Rachel: And then we actually end up being misunderstood as well. So you're disconnected, you're misunderstood. It's literally leading you down the path of the complete opposite results of what you really, actually want.

Austin: Yeah. Because when, because when we complain, we're not actually telling the truth. And when we're being complained at, we're actually receiving a mixed signal. Because it's not, like for example, the phone, it's not about the phone, okay? So like, like if you were to say to me, now if we were, like, really unconscious about this, and if you were like, "Austin," like, you know, "you're always on your phone," you know, and if I didn't already know what that really meant, I might think, "Oh, like she really, it's about the phone for her."

Rachel: And she's judging me.

Austin: It's about the phone, when it's probably not actually about the phone. It's actually about the fact that, like, maybe you had a really long day, you missed me, or something was crazy, and you really just wanna connect with me. And so it's you, you will more than likely inevitably speak in a misunderstandable way, and the other person's gonna receive in a way that also doesn't represent the truth, which just then makes you further confused, and then you spiral even more.

Rachel: Yeah. Listen to this. Gottman Institute, who does extensive research on relationships, their statistics are 96% of conversations end the way that they start. So ultimately, if a conversation goes pretty poorly, guess whose responsibility is it? It, it's the

Austin: It's the one who started it

Rachel: It's whoever started it and how you start it. Now we are not in the business of a blame game or like, "You started it," so don't take that. Like, that's not what we're saying. We're saying take responsibility for how you start a conversation. Because the way you start it is really powerful, and this shift, instead of complaining like, "Babe, your socks are on the floor. You, you threw your socks on the floor again."

Austin: Yeah. I, I got a great example. I hate to interrupt you but I, hopefully you'll love me anyways. So like

Rachel: I do

Austin: On The Office, when Michael Scott, I think it was on the Golden Ticket episode. And he goes down into the warehouse with Darryl, and he goes, "Hey, you idiot." And he goes, "Try again." And he's like, "Hey." You know, but it's so true. It's like how, how we start the conversation is generally how it's gonna go, you know? And w and kind of a micro practice, we won't talk about this much today, but, like, a micro practice we teach a lot is giving each other the space to reverse.

Rachel: That's where you got it?

Austin: What?

Rachel: You do that in parenting and with me, and you do it in parenting, too, where you're like, "Try again."

Austin: Yeah. Well, and for our, our marriage model, it's a very, it's a very conscious thing, where we have the ability to go either, you know, we can try again, or we can just personally reserve the right to just reverse, you know? Where you can be like, "Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's actually not how I wanted to start that. Let me try again." "I was probably really hangry or something like that." "And then my start was not quality." So yes, whoever is generally starting the conversation is gonna have massive influence over how it's gonna go. So when we complain, we experience disconnection. There's always gonna be the feeling of being misunderstood. And there's just gonna be drama in general. You know, because there's, there's gonna be chaos. We're not communicating well. we're not owning our, our emotions. We're not claiming responsibility for our state. We're not, we're not communicating in a conscious way where, you know, we're expecting our spouse to read our minds because we're not actually telling them the truth.

The complaint is not really telling them the truth. So then there's gonna be drama because we're not We're c we're creating focus on what the conversation's not even about. It's not even about the phone. It's not even about the dinner. It's not even about the trash. It's about the belief that's, that underscores the behavior that we're actually concerned about. You know?

Rachel: And you know what's interesting and amazing? That neuroscience is developing so much that we're able to study the brain more. And negative thoughts and negativity shrink your brain. They dry it up. So so if you need any more reason to not complain also, you'll be smarter if you are more positive. And a, a, a pivot is don't complain about it, but if you notice yourself 'cause it's stopping yourself

Austin: Yeah, just catch yourself. Yeah

Rachel: Just catching yourself, yeah, of, "Okay, how can I make this an honest request?"

Austin: Yeah. I mean, we, we share this to couples all the time, is that it's not about becoming perfect. It's just about becoming really, really good at catching yourself when you're on some type of old preprogrammed autopilot response and realizing, "I, I wanna respond better than that, so I'm gonna catch myself. I'm gonna get off autopilot." You know, that's the main thing that helps us really, you know, heal and, control the ego more, is recognizing when the ego wants to set us into autopilot, you know? And catching ourselves. Like, "No, no, no, no, that's not how I wanna be. That might be how my parents raised me or someone else raised me, or how I witnessed another relationship. I wanna be this way." And so we tell couples all the time, it's not about you somehow becoming perfect at marriage or perfect at life. It's just being really, really good at being like, "Oh, shoot, my bad." Like, "I'm gonna back up, and I'm gonna do this better."

Rachel: How amazing is it? 'Cause that's biblical, humility is being willing to Notice and own when you do make a mistake. And that's, like, active humility of like, "No, I'm willing. No, you're right. Okay, yes- I did make a mistake."

Austin: And, and the Word says that he gives grace in favor to the humble. So really beautiful. Another thing is just frustration. I don't even think we need to get into that a lot, but it's just frustrating. Complaining generally creates frustration, you know? And generally because someone realizes that something doesn't match here, you know? Like, they re they realize there's something else is at play. And especially, like, for the masculine, and this isn't a conversation about masculine, feminine, but, you know, for the masculine really wants facts, really wants, "I want you to say what you mean and mean what you say." The feminine doesn't always do that. The feminine likes to communicate in connection and communicate in feelings. Well, the masculine really wants to be, you know, spoken to with directness, with usually brevity if possible, and clarity. And so when there's complaining, the masculine almost always knows there's something else she wants to say and she's not saying it. And so that can make him frustrated, which then makes it harder for him to connect.

Yeah.

Rachel: 'Cause he feels the dishonesty. It can also lead to just, like, bitterness and resentment because if you are not making a request, you're withholding. And as we've talked about before in the podcast, with, you know, if you're not making the request, you're withholding. If you're withholding, you're lying.

Austin: And then you withdraw. And then you blame your spouse for why you withdrew.

Rachel: It's a downward cycle, cycle, and it starts with that first nick of, "Ugh, something's not right." And instead of complaining about it, just getting curious. 'Cause sometimes, babe, like sometimes, I've made requests to you.

Austin: Like my

Rachel: And we've had a conversation. And then I understand you more, and then I'm like, "Okay, this serves him," so I'm, like, good with doing it. It's not a complaint for me. It's a joy because now I understand the depth of what that act of service does for you when I maybe previously was taking it personally. And I, I'll actually talk about that more later. But

Austin: So complaining also can cause, you to not feel loved or appreciated, you know, because again, complaining is not only just a focus on the negative and not only just masking your own emotional expression and responsibility in the form of blame, but just in general, you know, it's not a deposit in the love bank. You know, it's actually taking away. It's actually taking the energy that you guys have at your disposal to love each other, to create with each other, to appreciate each other, and,

Rachel: Depleting

Austin: And depleting it, kind of pouring it out on the floor, honestly. Because ultimately, and, and we realize that every marriage is at a different place, and some marriages are not at the place yet where they can be really emotionally transparent. So, like, we get that. Like, this is a, this is a learning process. And so, you know, but ultimately, the energy that we use to complain, which is a form of withholding, drains the marriage, and then that makes it even harder to have the energy to take responsibility and be able to be like, "Hey, here's what's really going on with me." Like, we're gonna share examples here in a little bit, but to be able to be like, "Hey, here's what's really going on with me." "And, like, I know I didn't communicate this honestly, but, like, here's really what's going on with me."

Rachel: Yeah. If you haven't listened to our episode on expectations, and agreements, that's a good one. It's episode two. but when you're talking about that, it's another office thing where, Michael's like, "Ugh, dungeon wizard test." That's what it's like when you're not telling your spouse what you actually want. But here's the thing. And we're gonna talk about this. You probably weren't modeled how to honest to goodness request. So you actually might not even know, "Oh, my gosh, I do want something." All you know, all you've known

Austin: Is complaining

Rachel: Is to just complain about what you don't like.

Austin: Ultimately, a lot of people were modeled, you know, one parent would just complain enough until the other parent finally did what they wanted but it came at the cost of their connection. Like, it came at the cost of their joy because one person just got tired of feeling nagged, so they finally just gave into it, thinking that, "I'd rather have that pain end," 'cause if there's not a lot of connection 'Cause, like a lot of people, we don't wanna trade good, loving connection for, like, pain, right? But if, but if people have way higher pain and a lower level of love that they feel, well, then technically, like, if they just give in and, like, they're already at a low level of love, so they might as well just give in so the pain also drops. And that's what we wanna help couples understand is that complaining is not actually the way you get what you want. It's really just the way you get more of what you are focusing on, which in that moment is, you know, withholding and

Rachel: Yeah, disconnection.

Austin: Yeah. And finally, ultimately, you're just not getting what you want. Like, when you complain, you're not gonna get what you want. You might get it eventually if you complain enough, but it's gonna come at a cost that's gonna outweigh the benefit. Like, if you do a cost-benefit analysis of complaining, generally you're gonna net less. Like, the net is not gonna be positive. The net is gonna be negative.

Rachel: Yeah, for sure. Not worth it. So let's talk about why couples are in this habit because, like we said, we believe every couple has fallen into this at some point or another. One, the brain's job is to be on autopilot, which means conserve energy. And it doesn't take as much energy actually to be negative as it does to be positive. And so sometimes if we're maxing ourselves out at the end of the day we are not using the energy. That's why if you're hungry or you're tired, you're way more likely to do things you regret. Say things, you know, be short. that's why managing your hunger and your tiredness. Make sure you get a lot of protein.

Austin: Yeah, and a lot of sleep.

Rachel: Get some good sleep.

Austin: Protein and sleep, people.

Rachel: Those things are, like

Austin: Protein and sleep

Rachel: Top health tips around the globe for every ailment ever.

Austin: Yeah. E e every

Rachel: Protein and sleep.

Austin: Yeah. E every, every health, modality and fitness plan that actually has efficacy and works is gonna tell you, "Eat a lot of protein and get a lot of rest."

Rachel: If you're not doing that all the other stuff doesn't matter.

Austin: 'Cause if your energy is low, your brain's gonna tell you to use that for homeostasis and not for relationship success.

Rachel: Yeah. So first of all, that's that's a given.

Austin: Yeah. So why do most couples not make conscious requests?

Rachel: Yeah. number two is they were not modeled by their parents, and a lot of times couples are also not modeled by their friends. They don't have good friends that are saying, "Hey, babe. I noticed earlier when you didn't take the trash out, I was just feeling sad. I think I'm overwhelmed right now. I'd like to make a request. Could you own the trash?" "Like taking out the trash, at least this week, or we can come up with an agreement about that?" Most of you

Austin: That's beautiful sentence

Rachel: Have, you probably don't have friends saying that in front of you. We do, 'cause that's like our whole world and our ethos, and all of our couples do, 'cause that's their whole world and ethos. But most couples, they don't, they're not modeled that. It's not a part of what they eat, sleep, drink, breathe. It's been the opposite. It's been the negative the g the nagging, the, the slide remarks, the actual sarcastic joking that is hiding. That's a whole nother facet of this. Sarcastic joking is the same thing as complaining. also hiding and masking honest to goodness requests.

Austin: Yeah. Yeah, you said that so well, and I th that's common feedback we get, like, when we start working with a, a new couple, is they're like, "I don't even have language." Like, whenever we say Like that example you just gave, like, "Hey, I noticed earlier when blank happened, I started to feel blank, and I just have a request. Can you do this, or can we make an agreement so it's a win-win?" I love when we say that to a couple, and they're like, "Whoa. Like, I've never I have no framework for that language." And then we give them that framework for the language, and it's like these guardrails that they can now use in their marriage, and all the sudden the complaining goes away. You know, and so like for anyone watching this today, like if you feel frustrated or if you're li you know, if you feel any shame or guilt even about maybe you're a chronic complainer. Most people have been a chronic complainer at some point.

Like, you were probably not modeled. More than likely you weren't modeled this. Your parents didn't show you, your friends didn't show you, Hollywood definitely doesn't show you. The news, the radio, on Facebook. Nothing shows you this. Okay? Even, even

Rachel: Every chick flick ever to exist is based on a misunderstanding and someone not asking for what they want. It could totally be avoided.

Austin: It, it

Rachel: There wouldn't even be a movie.

Austin: Yeah. And you know, and it's even, like, you know, the amount of leaders or pastors even that make, you know, kind of like slights at their, at their spouse from the stage.

Rachel: From the stage.

Austin: Which is, which is That's a g that's crazy to me. crazy sad to me. 'cause I'll never dishonor you anywhere, anytime, even as a joke.

Rachel: Yeah. Absolutely not.

Austin: Unless you're talking over your mic. If you talk over your mic

Rachel: Austin, stop

Austin: Yeah, that, yeah. I'm gonna say something about that. Okay, that's, but that's it. That's the only thing. And so yeah, number one, you gotta manage your food. You gotta manage your, your sleep. Number two, you may not be making conscious requests because you just weren't modeled. You just don't know. You just don't have a frame yet. But you're gonna have a frame after today, so that's great news. So number three is more than likely you had certain childhood experiences where you were shut down, and it was too painful to ask. So for example, little girl goes up to her dad, "Daddy, Daddy, can we dance together?" And he's like, "No, I can't right now," or later, or later, later, later. And she asks again, and then he's like, "No." And so she got shut down so many times, it was more painful to just be disappointed than it was to keep asking her dad to dance with her. So then in the future, instead of making an honest request like, "Hey, Daddy, can we dance together?"

She started saying, "Hey, Daddy, we never dance together." Because that's less vulnerable, but she's still trying to, like, make a, a, a 10th of a request just to see if he'll latch onto it just to see if he'll get it. And so more than likely, anyone listening to this or watching this today had that experience where And maybe they mustered up a lot of courage to make a really important request, and then they really got shut down. And maybe they didn't just get said no to, but they got shamed for it. Like, "How dare you ask that?" You know, "How dare you ask for new soccer cleats when we spend all kinds of money on you? How dare you ask for-" " blah, blah, blah. That's so selfish of you. That's so arrogant, cocky, prideful, sinful," whatever maybe was said to you. So then it was like, "Oh, shoot. Well, I'd rather just sit with the pain of never asking than have to face the shame of the people that are supposed to love me and take care of me to shoot me down like that."

Rachel: Yeah. That's good. All right, so number four is couples, like those listening, they just don't know a better way. Like you and I

Austin: Just don't know any better

Rachel: Did not know a better way.

Austin: You don't know what you don't know.

Rachel: You don't know what you know, don't know. So if you're feeling any kind of like, "Oh, I should be better. Oh, that's totally me. Oh, that's right. That's terrible. I've been a terrible spouse." Just, like, let go of that. Just have grace of one, you were modeled a certain way. That's how your brain developed in that container. So that's what you learned. You thought that was normal, you thought that was okay. And, and you know, four, you don't know what you don't know, so now you get to learn. You get to learn a new way. And that's exciting.

Austin: That is very exciting.

Rachel: I love learning. I love being able to apply new things, and guys, you're gonna get the dopamine of realizing, "Aha, this works. I actually do get what I want." Now of course, this, you know, go back to episode two on agreements. It's really important to make powerful agreements. So I would listen to this with your spouse or send this to your spouse if you are listening solo, and talk about it and say, "Hey, like, let's commit and let's agree to make m make requests." And we c if we catch each sha each other or ourselves, we can say, "Okay, hmm, I wonder what I actually want. Okay. Hmm. Okay, I'm making a request." Just like I said earlier, you know, there have been requests that I've made that really when you shared, yeah, at the end of the day, at the end of the day, it's really nice for me, babe, to just kick my socks off on the ground. I just love it. I don't know why.

And it just means a lot to me that I, you know, can throw them at you or throw them on the floor, and it's just liberating for

Austin: And this lo

Rachel: For me after a long day of work

Austin: Yeah, and this, like, magic sock fairy picks them up at some point. It's amaz it's amazing.

Rachel: And me, out of my love and appreciation for you and understanding of what it means for you, now it's a win for me to pick them up. Because I communicated it. So now you know. Sometimes it's just the communicating. So it's not even every time you make a complaint, you make a request, your spouse says, "Yes. Oh, I'll do that." This is part of opening up and being emotionally transparent because now instead of me, you know, projecting and assuming the worst in you, "Oh, does he not appreciate me for all the cleaning that I do around the house? He's just throwing his socks on the floor." "I can't believe him." He must not love me. You know, we go down the, down the ladder. Now I understand, oh, this really means a lot to him, and actually it's one way that he feels loved by me. So I'm gonna keep picking up those socks, and I do. It makes a difference even just sharing.

Austin: That's good. Yeah, that's really good. So again, four things, you know, why couples may not make a conscious request. Number one, they're not regulating their food and sleep very well, so they're setting themselves up to, to not do great. number two, they probably weren't modeled it. Number three, they probably had hard childhood experiences, and number four, you just don't know what you don't know. And you're about to know a whole lot better way, in addition to what we've already talked about. So, before we really talk about how to do this shift, and that's gonna be the most important part, so make sure you guys keep hanging around, is just to talk about, what changes. Like, when we actually start making requests instead of complaints, what actually, like, you know, tactically changes in our marriage, like how your marriage is actually gonna, you know, feel different. You know, this is kind of our way of convincing you that this, this works, you know? Like, this is what you're gonna start to experience.

So we'll go through these kinda quick. You will feel more connected because what you're seeing your spouse do and hearing what they say matches to what's going on.

Rachel: Yeah. So you're more emotionally and, mentally intimate. Like, you understand each other's minds, and you're emotionally connected because you're sharing, like, "Hey, I felt sad earlier when you threw the socks on the floor or didn't take the trash out." So now you're understanding. You're having those communications. You're having those conversations that are important to, to be connected.

Austin: Yeah. It also increases your empathy, because you're starting to see into each other's world more. Because again, you know, when you're really connected and you make requests, you honor requests, you start to build up this, this deeper bond with each other where you want them to be more in your inner world. You know, we look at intimacy as, like, see into me, right? So the more you see into me, the more intimate I feel with you, because you actually see my inner world and you know what's going on here. And so when we actually make a request, we're giving a piece of our inside intel, part of our inside world to our spouse. So, when they do that, like, when you make a, a request for me, I can have more empathy for you because I'm like, "Oh, okay. Like, here's what she wants. Like, this is what would help her feel loved right now. This is, like, a need that she has right now."

You know? And so it just helps me to be more empathetic for you. But if you say something like, "You're on your phone too much," it's hard for me to feel empathy. But if you're like, "Hey, babe, I'm noticing that I'm just feeling a little sad. You've been on your phone for quite a while, and I would really just like to have some quality time with you," then I can start to be empathetic because I can start to be like, "Awe, well, maybe she's a little sad, or she just really wants, wants some husband time," you know? And then I'm- I'm empathetic, and then I'm compassionate, and then I, I wanna serve you, you know? My, my initial more, like, kind of carnal response to a complaint is to not give into that, you know? But when you make a request, it's, it's very natural for me to be like, "Oh, of course I wanna honor that." Like- I want marching orders from you. Like, as the masculine, I want clarity from you.

And generally I'm gonna do that for you because, like, I'm a good masculine man.

Rachel: Yeah. And so you're more supported. Couples are more supported because, like you said, without intel, well, how do we know how to support each other best? Like, how do I know how to support you best if you're not asking? I might be doing something that I think really blesses you but it might be a huge swing and a miss. and I'm not gonna be able to know if I'm if you're not sharing with me. And then the same way for me sharing my requests, I learn things about you, 'cause then it's an open dialogue. We're having a back and forth about it. So there's that, and then also you're just walking in obedience with the Lord because he says not to lie. That is a commandment straight from the mouth of God. "Thou shalt not lie." And so it's important to have honesty in our marriage, and because of that, when we align our will with the will of the Father, with the will of Yahweh, God, we are blessed.

There's promise after promise after promise that we receive fruit and we receive blessing. So why wouldn't we want that in our marriage? Why wouldn't we wanna be obedient with all of those things, and especially honesty within the confines of the most intimate relationship, other than God, that we have? You're gonna experience fruit a lot of fruit when you're honest with your spouse. of course, speaking the truth in love and doing it consciously which we're trying to model here, and we'll get to more of in a minute.

Austin: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, well, I'd say last but not least, ultimately when you make requests, and especially when y you have this culture in your marriage of, "I'm gonna make a request and I'm gonna do everything I can to honor the request"- you ultimately create trust. Because you're realizing that each of you is kind of accepting each other's influence and accepting each other's needs, and then sh and then collectively meeting them together, so you trust each other more. Like, you believe that this person does have my best interests in mind. This person does want to serve me, love me. This person does wanna create life with me. Because when you get married, you share a container of life together now. You know? And so I do believe you're still two individuals, but you come together to create one unit, which is in one, again, container, and you're building that together. And so when you build a culture of making requests, honoring requests, a confidence grows, trust grows excitement grows.

You become more hopeful. And then that actually enables you to do bigger and better and cooler things that are, that are, ancillary to the marriage, you know, like building businesses together or building wealth together or leading, small groups together or leading a church together or you name it. And so everyone listening today has to understand that when we make requests and when we honor them, and that becomes the culture of the marriage, it's actually building a foundation. It's increasing a capacity to give and receive love, but it's increasing a capacity to be used by God. It's increasing capacity to take your skills and all the amazing things God gave you and, like, take those things out into the world because this is so solid. Like, the marriage is so solid. And, and last thing I'll say, then we'll move on, is it's inherently reparative. Because some of our greatest wounds, again, were from asking for something from someone who we thought loved us or was gonna take care of us that let us down, that maybe crushed us, made us feel shame.

Every time we honor a request and make a request, we're communicating to each other that you're trustworthy and I'm being honest. Like- I'm being honest because I am vulnerable with you, and I'm trusting you to make good on the request I have. And that that's very powerful.

Rachel: Yeah. All right, so before we get into the how-to, we're going to take a pause to give our nonprofit shout-out. And this is a nonprofit shout-out we've had before because we absolutely love this nonprofit. They are in Guatemala. It's God Said Go, and they have built an incredible, ministry outreach center for, medical needs. And they are going out into the community and also bringing the community to them to, bring the Word of God to people, but also actually meet physical needs of people in Guatemala. And so, we would encourage you to go to godsaidgo.org and donate whatever you would've spent on a coffee today. or however much you feel God is convicting you to give. But Jeff and Esther McLaren are, a part of our church, so every time they come back in town, we get to see them, at least at church. But this year, I personally got to sit down with both of them and hear more about their hearts, and we just love them.

And we would encourage you guys to give to them today because they are being the hands and feet of Jesus in Guatemala, and we just really appreciate the ministry that they're doing and the way that they've dedicated their lives to ministering and, and living the Great Commission.

Austin: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, so go check out godsaidgo.org, and the link will be in the description down below this episode.

Rachel: All right.

Austin: So all right, Rach, so let's wrap up with how to make requests.

Rachel: All right.

Austin: How to do it right, how to be effective.

Rachel: Yeah, so the first thing is getting curious about noticing when you're starting to complain. It usually starts in your head. So, when you're starting to think, "Oh," you know, maybe a grumble, maybe a little grumble, like a, "Ugh." that's where you start to notice. It's really important to get curious. you know, I don't say curiosity killed the cat. Curiosity actually helps the marriage become conscious.

Austin: Yeah, there you go.

Rachel: So curiosity is a very, very conscious skill to get curious inward. Even get curious outward, like, "Hmm, I wonder why he's grouchy today. Maybe he's had a long day." But really, if you're, you know, grumbling about something, it's getting curious and asking yourself, "What is it that I really want?" And I really wanna appreciate you for how well you have helped me to get curious about what I want. Because just without going into detail, the way I was raised, I had a hard time even just shifting my brain to be creative in that way of- "Oh, like, let's not put a ceiling on this. Let's not put limitations. What is it that I really want? In an ideal world even if I could just ask for exactly what I want, why wouldn't I just try to articulate that?" And sometimes, like, the Lord does give that, or we are able to create that but we're never gonna get it if we don't think of, think of it or say it.

And so that's the first thing, getting curious, asking yourself, "What is it that I really want?" And then articulating that in a really conscious way. And what we mean by that is sometimes if you're gonna bring something towards your spouse, it's kinda the same if you are in business or you listen to, like, leadership podcasts by Craig Groeschel. You know, you sandwich the, the You got the positive and then the feedback and then the positive. It's the same in marriage. You know, like, "Babe, I really appreciate how, hard you work, and I'm sure at the end of the day, the last thing you wanna do is take the trash out. For me right now, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. It feels like a masculine chore, and I'd really like for you to take the trash out." And then this is a key, "Is that something that you could do, or is there some kind of agreement we could make around this?" So you're not just saying, "Do this for me now."

You're making a request, and that's part of powerful marriages because you're both having a back and forth about it. So then Austin can say, "Well, I think one of the kids should do it."

Austin: Yeah, it might be what I say.

Rachel: Or which, the kids do it in our house. But, you know,

Austin: Yeah. See, with, with a complaint, there's, there's accusation. You know, there's usually ac accusation. There's usually a little judgment. Again, there's some withholding. In that model, when you actually make a request, you're coming to your spouse in faith and confidence that the two of you are gonna have a productive, loving conversation together. It's honoring to each other. It's just, it's inherently assuming the best in them. So to say something like, "Hey, I just wanna let you know I've been feeling really overwhelmed, and, I have a request. You know, and like you said, I really appreciate all that you do, and you do so much, and, but I don't wanna withhold from you, and I, and I have a request to make." If you start a conversation that way, your spouse is gonna be disarmed. They're gonna be hopefully empathetic with you, and they're gonna wanna know 'cause they're gonna want to know how to better serve you because that's the culture of your marriage. You know, so first is noticing, noticing when you're complaining.

Number two, getting curious, like you said. And then number three, making the request from a responsible place that's doesn't have blame, that doesn't have judgment, that has a ton of grace. And again, if you want, you can sandwich it with, you know, the appreciation, you know, bread on each side of the, of the meat. But being able to communicate, like, "This is what's going on in me, and this is the need that I have, and I, my request is that you can help me meet that by doing blank." "Does that work for you? Could that be a win for you?" "If that's not a win for you, is there an agreement we could make, a win-win agreement that we could make so that we both could have a need met here if, if, if we're kind of at an impasse?" And in that model, it's like there's nothing combative. You can't even really argue that. Like, it's fully transparent. It's, it's fully patient. It's very gracious.

And, you know, what kind of spouse would wanna turn that down, you know? Like because that's the type of foundational framework that makes productive conversations.

Rachel: Yeah. Okay, so we're gonna give a couple examples. So you be thinking of example. My n my example of how I used to have a complaint that I turned into a request, not to beat the dead sock, but but, the sock example is just so good. I used to grumble in my head. I withheld it from you, actually. how much I just was irritated by you leaving, you know, boxers or socks on the floor. And I, I noticed myself having bitterness and resentment about laundry. Guys, I'm speaking to the wives. I know a lot of you have bitterness and resentment about a fricking piece of cloth that, like a piece of cloth on your floor. And it's insignificant, and, like, your calling is to be the nurturer of your home and your husband. So, honestly, you probably just need to pick it up and have a joyful attitude. However, I noticed that my heart was still not I'd try to be like, "Oh, the joy of the Lord," and that wasn't working.

So I finally said, "Austin, listen, I appreciate how hard you work. I know that you love me, but a story that I'm making up is that, you don't appreciate me, with all the work I do around the house, 'cause you're just adding to it at the end of the day." "Is there any way you'd be willing to pick up your socks and your boxers and just put them in the hamper?" And then you said something to the effect Do you wanna say, or do you want me to summarize?

Austin: You can, you can say it.

Rachel: You basically told me, like, "Oh man, I have, like, 50 million things going on in my head every day." "The way of the world, and then when I get to the end of the day, it's just, ah, like so nice to just, like, relax, not worry about anything, and I love throwing my socks on the floor." And so for me, once I understood that the request was all I needed, and the way you responded helped me to understand. And now, like, I smile when I pick up Like- I literally smile when I pick up the socks. Because I know that it's special to you, and you know that I love you.

Austin: Yeah. 'Cause you could either pick, you know, chainsawing wood for eight hours on a Saturday or picking up socks, you know?

Rachel: Yeah. I'll take the socks.

Austin: Yeah. That's right. Yeah. That's good.

Rachel: Yeah. Do you have any examples of requests?

Austin: I'd say an example I can think of where I was complaining was probably a time where I just shared that we had too much on our plate, like, too much on our schedule, and I think I complained, like, you know, something to the effect of like, "Okay," like, "you've put too much stuff on our schedule," or, "We have too much stuff going on and we have all this stuff to do." And I think that, you know, I eventually converted that into a request of, "Hey," like, "I wanna do everything we do really well." Like, "And I wanna do life with you really well, and my story is that we need less on our plate so that we can be more excellent at what we're doing, and my request is that we start to really audit all of our commitments, everything going on." "And my request is that we don't schedule stuff on the weekends, really anymore, you know, other than church for a while, just to have kind of a season of rest."

And so I took the complaint and realized, like, I was just feeling tired. I was feeling overwhelmed, and- I was trying to kind of, like, just be the, the great husband and kinda go along with, you know, a lot of things that are important to you. But I realized that I was saying yes to a lot of things that weren't really a yes for me. And so yeah, the request was basically, "Hey," like, "I wanna have less on our schedules and less to do so that we can rest more, especially on the weekends together as a family."

Rachel: And then I supported that.

Austin: Yeah. You did. And it's

Rachel: I asked for s support and logistics in helping me make it happen.

Austin: Yeah. Which has been amazing.

Rachel: Yeah. Okay. So earlier in the episode, we talked about some of the unconscious complaints, and so we're just gonna pivot those so you can get a lot of more examples, 'cause we're tuning our brain to a new way of being. So we wanna get Just spitfire a coup spitball. Spitfires.

Austin: Mm. Spitfiring.

Rachel: Spitfire. A couple examples. So earlier we said, "I asked you to empty the dishwasher, but you only did, like, a seventh of it." Pivoting that conscious, "Hey, babe, I really appreciate your effort to help me empty the dishwasher. I have a request. In the future, if I ask you to empty the dishwasher, can you please do it 100%? I would feel really, and loved sup and supported by that."

Austin: Hm. That's really good.

Rachel: All right. The you're always home late complaint could be, "Hey, babe. I'm noticing that you're home late and I usually have dinner ready, and I would really feel loved if you got home at the time you said you did." "Is that something you can agree to?" That would be pivoting it. Pivit pivoting it consciously. The We already talked about the trash one. the you never defend me to your family could be, "You know what? I feel really sad, and maybe, like, you value your family over me, when, when your parents say negative things and you don't speak up for me." "Can you do that in the future, or do we need to have a dialogue about this?" Usually you probably need to have a dialogue. The wife probably, or whoever is not defending the family, probably is afraid of ruffling feathers.

Austin: Repercussions, yes. Uh-huh.

Rachel: There's a lot of conversation there.

Austin: Yeah. Yeah, we help a lot of couples with, you know, some of the toxic extended family discussion.

Rachel: All right, the last one was you never initiate sex. It's like you don't even like me. A great way of saying is, "Hey, babe. When we have sex, I love it, and I feel really loved by that, and it really supports me, and I feel so loved by that. And one thing that I really love and I would like to make a request is that you initiate sex more often." "Because I feel so loved when you do that. Is that something you could do?" And then that might be a conversation, or the wife might be like, "Oh, you're right. I've just been forgetting." Or maybe it's the husband.

Austin: Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah. Could be the other way around.

Rachel: "I've been forgetting." Yeah.

Austin: Great one. That's a great one.

Rachel: All right. Well, don't forget. The steps are if you notice yourself grumbling or starting to complain get curious. Ask yourself, "What is it that I really want?"

Austin: What do I really want? Mm-hmm

Rachel: Do the sandwich. You know, appreciate before. You can always appreciate after. if you haven't, go and listen to episode two because we talk about agreements. 'Cause that's really the next natural progression here is making an agreement about sex, dishwasher, family, trash, you know socks. It's just, it's making an agreement moving forward. So that's a really easy next step for you. but before we close this episode, we really wanna appreciate you as our listener. You are why we're here today. We really care about you. We really care about equipping kingdom-minded couples because we know that when we have stronger marriages, we are more effective for the kingdom. And so if you have other couples in your life that you really care about, we are requesting and asking that you take a second and you copy the link, you share this episode and just text it to them. Like, "Hey, I think you would love this episode." "Hey, this really helped me today." "Hey, actually listen to this.

Let's talk about it-" you know, in our small group, or, "Let's talk about this at our next coffee date." This is really important because we level up the containers that we're in. And so we would encourage you to do that. if you find value in our podcast at all, definitely give us You know, do the click five star rating, or if you're on Apple, you know, write a little blurb. If you're on YouTube, subscribe and like. That, you know

Austin: And comment, too. That, that really helps because we're, we're trying to beat out all the junk in the algorithm, right? And, and don't forget this too, we hear from lots of couples all the time. We get emails and messages and stuff like that. We love hearing from people. We love hearing from people like you. So if this resonated with you, feel free to shoot us an email. Okay? You can, you can find a way to contact us through our website at consciouschristianmarriage.com. You can email us at info@consciouschristianmarriage.com. We love to hear people, hear from people, and we love to pray for people. So even if you just wanna know that, hey, you know, Austin and Rachel Holt from Kansas City, Missouri are praying for you, your family, your marriage, your kids, something like that, shoot us an email. We read every single email. Let us know how we can be praying, and we will absolutely be praying for you.

Rachel: Yeah. One thing I also wanted to mention is God is on the move, and the internet is a really important thing that God is actually using. And there is a lot of noise, like you said on the internet, and so your like and subscribe really actually does make a difference. And we believe that God has called us to change the world. Like, we are not stopping until we have helped as many people as we can with our last dying breath because, this stuff is important. Your marriage is important. It's your First, your relationship with God, then your marriage, then everything else because through your marriage, you are able to minister well. So that's why we're here. We're here equipping you. it actually makes a difference the things that you do and the way you respond to this episode. So apply it. click, like, share. It means a lot, and we hope to see you on the next episode.