3 Reasons Why Driven Christian Couples Feel Isolated or Alone

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Austin: If you're here, you're probably wondering, as a high-integrity Christian, why do I feel misunderstood by everyone around me, even though we have the same faith?

Rachel: You might be asking, as a high-performing couple, why do we feel like we just can't relate to most of the people in our church, or the pickup line at school, or those that we interact with in our community?

Austin: Yeah. And as a successful couple, you might be wondering, why do we feel guilty for succeeding in life while our peers or maybe even our family are floundering?

Rachel: As a leader, you might ask, I wanna know what I'm doing to make myself more isolated and misunderstood.

Austin: In this video, we're going to cover the three reasons why Christian high performers may feel alone, misunderstood, or even isolated, and how you can experience more of the abundant life God has planned for you without isolation, without shame, without guilt or being misunderstood or any of those things.

Rachel: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage Podcast where we help high-performing Christian couples like yourself level up their marriage one episode at a time. Thank you for joining us.

Austin: Okay. Well, I'm Austin, and this is Rachel. And, we are founders of the Conscious Christian Marriage. We're really excited to dive into today's episode with you because it's something very, very near and dear to our hearts.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. All right, so reason number one why couples might be feeling alone or isolated is that they're everyone's safety net, but they don't have one. The conscious Christian couple that's leading others, that is having impact, a lot of times they're the person that people are coming to for help, for advice, for wisdom, for like, "Hey, I've got this problem I need to solve." And in a lot of senses, they're carrying emotional burdens for others, and yet they have no one to take theirs to. Aside from each other and the Lord. And, and that gets really, really difficult.

Austin: Yeah, I think that this person that we're speaking to today So for those of you who are listening or watching today, you may or may not resonate with this, but I, I think you will resonate with it, is that, like you're the kind of person that, you know, you really feel called to go above and beyond. Like, you're the kind of person that really wants to take their marriage seriously, their life seriously, their faith seriously. And so probably since you've been little, you've been in leadership positions and maybe, maybe you've been entrepreneurial. And you've probably taken things like your career seriously and stuff like that. And, and with that, people are drawn to you. Like people are drawn to you because they want what you have. And not a lot of people realize what it takes to get that. And so you've probably had a lot of experiences where people are drawn to you. They wanna get proximity to you. They want your advice. They want your strategies.

They, they wanna osmose things off of you. And that's a compliment. Like I appreciate that, you know? And we believe that, you know, as Christians, like it's a really amazing thing that we have to like be engaged in the body and to give to the body and to, to love others as Christ loved us. And I think sometimes we can struggle with, like where is that boundary of giving too much of myself away and not reserving enough for myself to maintain my marriage, my family, my other commitments. And so the person listening today is probably gonna identify with this idea of, feeling like, I feel like I'm everyone's resource. I feel like I'm everyone's safety net. I feel like when other people are in a pinch, or they need someone to come in clutch or they need wisdom, or they need strategy, or even a connection or a resource, like they're gonna call you. But then you feel like, all right, I'm everyone else's safety net.

I'm everyone else's like principal chief resource, but I don't feel like I have one. I don't feel like- I have someone or a community of people that I can go that, to that fully understand me that understands that pressure.

Rachel: Yeah. And the impact that that has on marriages is great because then the spouses, they're only confiding in each other. And that can get really tricky because then, you're weighed down, you know, you're weighed down, your spouse is weighed down. And then you can withhold because you're like, ah, they're really burdened already. Ah, I'm really burdened already. So then it creates this distance and heaviness that just really separates spouses.

Austin: Well, and then I think what happens too is we get jealous o over each other's time too. And so when we're not in these like high integrity, win-win environments, you know, which, which is really where people are not just, emptying themselves out 24/7 for the world, you know where they are looking at, okay, what are my commitments, what are my agreements? And I'm gonna honor those things first because that's, that's where my integrity is. And if you're the kind of person that you're everyone's safety net and you don't really have one to go to to help refill your cup, you're gonna end up pouring out a lot. And so then what happens is sometimes one spouse is pouring out a lot and they're carrying a lot of burdens. And and I'm not saying that carrying other people's burdens is a super conscious thing to do. But I do agree, like in scripture where he talks, where I think Paul talks about, you know, carrying each other's burdens and that's supporting each other.

It's being in community with each other. And really it comes down to being in the right community. And we'll talk about that here in a second. But I really think that resentment can creep into the marriage if one spouse feels like they're carrying way more of the burdens. You know, either just in their own marriage because like maybe their spouse is out being everyone else's safety net and then they're left at home taking care of everything in the home front like, "Okay, I know it's great that my spouse is out like doing all this, but you know, where does that leave our family?" You know? And you know, resentment is one of the, the silent killers of marriage. And a lot of times resentment happens because, you know, we generally feel betrayed or we feel like there's injustice. But resentment also happens because we think as Christians that the sign of a good Christian is someone who's never gonna complain or be negative or ask for things or wanna change the status quo, when in all reality, a great Christian is someone who tells the truth, ends withholding, and creates win-wins.

And so we resent over time and, if we feel like, again, there's an injustice or a betrayal, and we'll hide what we want because we don't wanna look like a bad Christian to our spouse or to anyone else when deep down we just need to tell the truth like, "This is what's going on and it's not good for me or good for us."

Rachel: Yeah, and it goes both ways, like you said. The spouse at home could be resenting the one out more or working more, and then the other spouse can be also resenting the one at home like, "You have no idea. Here's all the burdens I'm carrying." And the one at home's like, "I'm jealous of your time. I just want you here." So that is an, a really easy trap to fall into.

Austin: Yeah. Well then what ends up happening, like again, if you're that kinda person where, you know, you, you're isolating and you feel alone because I know for us it took a long time before we found a community of people like you and I. And not that we're inherently better than anyone, 'cause we, we do not believe that. But we know that our values and our drive and our commitments and our, our strive for excellence and integrity is abnormally high. And it took a long time to find a group of people that, like, would honor that, y that also felt the same way. And it really was when we created it, honestly, was we really couldn't find, a group of people that shared that same value, so we, we created it even with our membership. You know, but if you're the kinda person that, you know, maybe feels misunderstood or feels alone because you're that type of person, this, this will also make sense to you, is that over time you begin to become just functional leaders, and you might even struggle with emotional intimacy in your marriage.

Like, if, if both of you are that person in so many other people's lives where you're the safety net, you're coming in clutch, you're solving problems, like, you're the go-to and everybody kinda, whether directly or indirectly or consciously or unconsciously, relies on you then you're giving your emotional, physical, creative energy away to so many people. Then you get back to the marriage and it's like, oh, well, we're really great functional leaders in the world, but we don't feel that much intimacy together because we don't have the energy to be intimate. Like, intimacy requires energy.

Rachel: Mm-hmm, it does.

Austin: And if we're giving all that energy away to everyone else, then we can start to feel like just these really great leaders, but not really intimate lovers and intimate spouses at home, and that's a really unfair price to ask your spouse to pay for, in a way, kinda heroing other people in the world.

Rachel: Yeah, it reminds me of our series we did in our membership where we talked about capacity and of tokens.

Austin: Yeah, and tokens. Token management.

Rachel: Like not saving tokens at the end of the day for our spouse. It can be super easy not to do that when you're coming in clutch for everyone else. And even if you try not to It can be really easy when sometimes it's like, "You're the only person that can help me," or- "I'm the only person that knows how to do this, so it's up to me," you know?

Austin: Yeah, I think there's also, you know, for the person that struggles with this, and we'll talk probably about this several times during this episode, there's just some inherent shame that comes with like, you know, the story might be I feel like I should be okay with being everybody else's safety net and not having my own. But deep down, like, it doesn't feel right. Like, it f it feels like there's an integrity breach. Because ultimately you might be sacrificing your marriage or your family or your health even on the altar of being a quote-unquote servant leader. You know, when servant leaders, you know, I mean, they're, they're not asked to destroy their life to serve other people. They're A lot of them, a lot of the idea is that we live such incredible lives that other people can't help but be led by them, you know? And so you know, you might be listening to this episode thinking, "Okay, yeah, I've been there before. I've, I've been that person that was a great leader, was serving a lot of people, helping others," and I almost felt bad for feeling like it doesn't feel right, like it doesn't feel just in a way.

You know? And so, you know, part of what we help other couples do is to let go of that shame, that shame of feeling that way. Where it's okay to regulate, and it's okay to have healthy boundaries, and it's okay to have agreements, you know, so that, you're not losing yourself in your commitments, you know? So that really brings me to one of the first shifts that we wanna encourage people to make, and that's really to look for the right community. You know, because a lotta times the more high-performer Christian feels isolated, feels alone, feels misunderstood, so then what they do is they end up just kind of retreating a little bit to where they're on when they're on, and then they're, they kinda disappear when they're, when they're not. You know? When they're not in the spotlight. Because maybe they're convinced that there's just no other people that actually understand them, that actually know the feeling of wanting to, honor God, honor their spouse at the level that they want to without other people feeling like they're, bragging or being cocky or being prideful or, or something like that.

Rachel: Oh, you and I have totally been there many times. Like, I remember so many seasons in our marriage where we were just pretty isolated. And, and th literally that's why we created CCM. But it was a difficult time being, pouring into others but not being filled as leaders. And it is so true that the right community, because I think a lot of people are looking for community. Like you, the listener, have probably either created some kinda community like you're leading a small group, or you're, you're, you're doing things and creating community, but usually you're probably the one spearheading it. Because it's not

Austin: Yeah, if it wasn't for you, there probably wouldn't be it.

Rachel: It wouldn't be, or you'd go and you'd be like, you go home and you call your spouse in the car like, "I got nothing out of that. That was a waste of time." Like, I can't tell you how many times I've You know, you and I have had that conversation where we're like, "Why did I go? That was such a waste of time

Austin: Yeah, and, and it's not because

Rachel: And I'm disappointed."

Austin: Yeah, and it's not because you're not humble. You want to be challenged. You know, there's times where we've left other opportunities thinking, like, "I didn't get much out of that," not because I think I know any better than them, but because I wanna be challenged at that level. And so those of you watching this or listening to this episode, and again, we're gonna move on from the first point here of you're everyone's safety net and you don't have one. It's like you've probably tried a lot of things, communities, groups, small groups, maybe coaching programs, et cetera. And you got in it and you're like, "This isn't, this isn't challenging me to the level I wanna be challenged at." That's not pride. That's humility. That's actually like 'Cause there's a false humility where people will go To a place that they can pretend they're being challenged, but they're not. And so we wanna encourage everyone listening to this that the right community will change everything for you.

The right people in your corner and in your life, they will change everything. they will help take pressure off the marriage so that you and your spouse are not each other's only outlet. Like, I think about for us, like even with our coaching program with CCM, I mean, every week I have multiple calls with other amazing husbands all across the country, and like they're part of my outlet. Like, even though I'm teaching the calls, I'm leading the calls, they're part of my outlet. I mean, today I was in tears talking about another couple that's got some stuff with their kids that they're struggling with. And we were just being raw and real and, and it was so nice to just, like, be able to share and be honored by other men who have epic values and who have epic character and epic integrity.

Rachel: Such high caliber.

Austin: Yeah. And so when you're not my only outlet, okay, and I've got other men who we can be each other's outlet because we're gonna challenge each other to take responsibility, to have integrity, all those things. It takes so much pressure off of you and I, because it's not like at the end of the day I need to download every stressful thought I had to you. And, and, and I would say that that's not a great trait in marriage anyways, especially for the masculine doing that with the feminine. And so I really believe that having the right community changes everything because it takes so much pressure off of your spouse, to be your only outlet.

Rachel: Yeah. And that leads to so much overflow. So that your marriage becomes this place of overflow of all the, the benefits, the blessing, the encouragement, the the equipping, the challenging, the, the just inspiration that you're getting from incredible community then you're bringing that into your marriage, and that is where marriages go levels above levels because then you're bringing this You know, when you're both at 100%, then you know.

Austin: I remember early in our marriage it was like sometimes what we connected over was depletion, you know, more than overflow. You know? It was almost like it, it, it felt like we were trying to show up for each other more out of these places of, like, how depleted we were and how tired we were.

Rachel: Yeah, it was like we were connecting on, "Here's how I'm a victim today."

Austin: Yeah. Right. And, and over the last seven, eight years it's been really ev it's evolved to this place of, like, you know, every day we're inspired and we're encouraged and we're excited to show up. And because we have the right community of people that we're understood by. 'Cause again, the whole point of this episode, you know, just to remind the listener if we haven't already said it 80 times, but to, to the remind listeners, like, you're probably listening to this episode because you've also felt alone isolated, or misunderstood because of who you are, okay? Whether y- Christian, high performer, business owner, leader, executive, pastor, whatever it is. It's just too, too easy to feel alone and not have people to turn to. We're encouraging you, hey, if you have a good community, you can turn to this community. And then because you have a community to turn to, you can show up for your spouse from overflow, not from depletion. And that doesn't mean at the end of the day you're not tired.

I mean, at the- I mean, you and I, I think we leave almost everything we have on the court every day. By the time we're done with work stuff, with chi children stuff, with farming stuff, with ma ma ministry stuff, like, we leave it all out on the court. But we're still full, though. You know, like, the overflow of how we get to show up in the world, especially in our community, allows us to pour more into everything else. Because, and let me just say one more thing too. There's no amount of books, podcasts, conferences you can attend that's gonna replace quality relationships in your life. Like, I'm just not gonna apologize for it. Like, we do this podcast because we wanna give free value to the world and all that, but our goal is to help people who watch this podcast to realize how powerful community is. Because, again, you could read 1,000 books and listen to podcasts and all that. You c you can grow from that stuff for sure.

We read books. We listen to podcasts. We, we, we get it.

Rachel: We've grown a ton from that.

Austin: The ultimate time machine is a group of people, because you can't hide. If you sit in a circle of people, okay, and you start talking about what's going on in your life and what you're doing that's working and what you're doing that's not, that group of people is gonna flush it out of you immediately. And no amount of book reading or journaling is gonna help you get to that place faster. And so everyone listening to this podcast, if you're this kinda person, if you're this high integrity, high performer Christian leader and you find yourself isolating, go the other way and lean in, because there are people like you. And we used to think there weren't, and it was really hard for us. Yeah. Because yeah. So

Rachel: What a limited view. But it was sad. But yeah, th like, maybe you've been there. Like, as a listener, maybe you have been there where you're like, "There's nobody else like me." "I am, I am actually alone. No one understands." And that is just not true. It's not true. There are hundreds of thousands of people like you and they're also looking for community with you.

Austin: Yeah. Right. And when you're in that community, your marriage grows, because both of you will feel supported and not just supporting constantly. All people who lead have got to also be being led. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. Don't really care. Have have got to also be led and be poured into. Okay? We bless so that we can be a blessing. We are blessed so that we can be a blessing. you know, there's a, there's an overflow hierarchy in a way, you know? And by being in the right community, you will absolutely be poured into, and then you'll just be able to give that more. Because I truly believe you know, it's like my cup overfloweth, right? You know, you c an empty cup cannot fill the cup of another. We've gotta be seeking being poured into. And if you're the kinda leader, the kinda high caliber leader that at the end of the day is like, "Man, I just feel like I'm one of the only people I know that's like this-" there is a community of people like that, that take their life seriously, that that do not apologize for working on their marriage, working on how they parent, working on their faith, working on their health, their wealth, their, all of that.

And you can find it with us. And I, I'm just- I'm just not gonna apologize for that. Like, that's, that's who we are and what we have and why we do this. That's why we do this podcast. And there's lots of couples that found us through this podcast. And as soon as they join, they're like, "Oh my gosh, where was this five years ago?" Because I wish I would've

Rachel: Or 20

Austin: Or 20 years ago. 'Cause we have couples that've been married over 40 years in our program, and they're still learning and growing. They're still lifting that ceiling up higher and higher and higher so they can experience more and more.

Rachel: Yeah. It's awesome.

Austin: All right, let's go on to number two.

Rachel: Okay. So the second reason why you might be feeling isolated as a Christian couple, successful, giving your all to life, is because you're rewarded by results and not relationship. And unfortunately, this is just the way of the world sometimes. It's like, hey, performance-driven, you're doing great, people notice and give you rewards for what you're doing and what you're achieving, and it's not so much about intimacy and relationship and like, "Hey, are you okay?" "Hey, how are you doing?"

Austin: It's, it's easy to feel unseen as a person when everything is so performance-driven. You know, and this is a performance-driven world, you know? And a lot of people have performance anxiety, which is people are onl only going to love me if I win. Or they're only going to love me if I succeed at X level. You know, when we're doing what we call, like, emotional scaffolding work with people, c whether it's coaching work or counseling therapy-type modality stuff, it's important to understand the difference between being, action-oriented and results-oriented. Results-oriented is very, very, very important, but you have to be action-oriented first. You have to be willing to just show up. And so a lot of times, what goes You know, showing up is more about the relationship. It's like, "Hey, I'm here to show up with you in relationship. We're gonna do life together. We're gonna build things together. We're gonna create things together." That's where we really feel seen as people, like we're showing up together.

And when we kind of evolve to this performance-driven model, which performance-driven, or, or being results-oriented is important in certain things. Building careers, all of that. Right? Like, metrics and KPIs and stuff exist for a reason, right? The problem is, is that for a lot of leaders, like the leaders, I think, listening to this episode that sometimes feel alone, feel isolated, feel misunderstood, is they're like, "I'm just rewarded for, like, crushing it at things. I don't feel rewarded as a person." "Like, I don't feel seen as a human and what my heart, mind, soul, and strength brings to the table just in my being." "I feel like I'm only kind of rewarded," and reward looks more like given attention, noticed, appreciated, honored, all that, for results and not just being in relationship with people.

Rachel: Yeah. You know, social media doesn't help this at all. Because it's all about what you're putting out on the internet and displaying, like, here's, here's my success, here's this, and, and then it's all about, well, what are you getting liked, what are you getting followed, what attention are you getting? And that's what people are noticing, and it's really like, "Actually, I had a really rough day today, but I don't think I can share that." You know? Because it's all about what I am, you know

Austin: Producing

Rachel: Presenting.

Austin: Producing.

Rachel: Producing and presenting. And so your worth gets measured by what you produce or solve and not really who you are, like your identity.

Austin: Yeah. It, it's almost like, you know, really high-performing leaders, really get recognized for what they do for others, what they can add to others, versus the actual person. The vehicle that's bringing the value also wants to be appreciated.

Rachel: Yeah. This is why it's so important to thank our leaders because also, this is just a little, little sidebar. we get, like, leaders and just high performers and people making waves in the world which is probably you, we get a lot more negative feedback than positive a lot of times. It's like, "Hey, you did this wrong. You said that wrong. Oh, I disagree." You know, it's like all the critics of Forrest Frank. It's like so many people giving him negative feedback when it's like, "Hey, what about, 'Hey, thank you for this?'" And of course, there's a lot of people doing that, too, but especially for, like, our pastor. Thank, like, take a moment to thank your pastor. Or if you are a pastor, thank somebody who's poured into you. Or a leader that has inspired you because even if they're somebody in the, in the major public eye, they might not get that very often. They might get a lot of negative feedback, so.

Austin: Yeah. Well, it can be really easy when you, when you're in this place of, you know, just feeling like you get noticed or seen for results instead of just a relationship, it can really affect your marriage because if performance is all you think about, all you talk about, all you look for, that's all you see. So then you start to diminish the value of the moments of presence. And you start to, you know, really only see each other as, you know, coworkers almost, you know? And, versus just, like, I'm a child of God, you're a child of God, and we're gonna just enjoy each other's presence, you know? And that's because that's how we give each other value. We, we're just present with each other. Like, we can sit on the front porch in the rocking chairs and just breathe and enjoy looking at the trees and the animals and the fields. And, and if you're that kinda person that is constantly only getting rewarded for your results, it can be very isolating to be like, "Well, I have more to the, I have more to bring to the table than just results."

"I have more to bring to the table than just winning like this. Like, I, I also am a, a person who craves to be in a relationship with people."

Rachel: Yeah. And then it can be really easy to bring that home in our marriage, like, "Hey, I'm doing this for you," or, "Hey, don't you appreciate that I'm going to work?" Or, or the wife that's, like, feeling like And this is not because the husband has put that on her, but it's because of really just getting trained through the way of the world is, okay, if the house isn't clean, if the laundry isn't put away, if the kids aren't happy, if the f dinner's not ready, like, maybe I'm not actually a great wife. Or maybe I'm not worthy.

Austin: Or I'm not doing enough.

Rachel: I'm not doing enough, man.

Austin: Yeah, it's like, it's like, it's like sometimes when even when you say to me, you're like, "Oh, honey," like, you know, "X, Y, and Z isn't done." And I'm like, you know, I'm like, "Rach," like, "you did 5,000 things today." Like, I

Rachel: And I'm like, yeah, yeah

Austin: Like, I

Rachel: And you don't know any of them.

Austin: Yeah, like, I

Rachel: You can't see it.

Austin: Yeah, like, I, I so appreciate you for that. And sometimes, you know, the first thing you wanna say is, like, "Oh, I, babe, I'm so sorry the kitchen isn't clean," and yada, yada, yada. And I'm like, "Honey- I'm like- I'm not, like the value you bring to me is not just you keeping the kitchen clean. It's just you loving me. It's you loving me, it's you loving our kids, it's you loving God. And that's one of the things that, that's just what means the most to me. You know? And so for a lot of, like, really great leaders, you know, it, y you can fall into a trap where people just expect of you that you'll be okay with them just looking to you for results and not for relationship. You know? And, and I appreciate, so like at our church, I'm in charge of our security program, and we've got ab about 70 volunteers. And I'm really thankful that, the people above me on staff that I report to- I really do genuinely feel like they want a relationship with me.

And they don't just reach out when it's like, "Oh, Austin, great job on these numbers." It's like- "Hey, man, like

Rachel: You have a problem.

Austin: Yeah, right. Exactly. It's like, "Hey," like, "I love doing ministry with you." Like, "I, I love doing life with you." Like, "I, I love, I love laughing with you and having fun with you and, and, like, you know, enduring the burdens of ministry with you," you know? And so, but it can be, it can be very isolating when you're kinda won sitting there wondering, like, "Can I find a group of people that I can be in relationship with where it's not just about like I have to prove myself through performance, or I have to prove myself through accolades, or prove myself through milestones or KPIs or whatever that is? That I, I just want, like, my emotional needs to be considered." Like you know, and it's y your, your marriage can really suffer. I i if you live this out in isolation, your marriage can suffer. Okay? Most people need the training. They just do not have the training to be able to be a high performer outside of marriage, come into marriage, and not accidentally bring all that into marriage.

You know, where all of a sudden it's like, "Oh, hey, honey, how are your KPIs today?" And your wife is like, "what's a KPI?" And you're like, "You don't know?" Like, "We have these 19 metrics, and you're " It's, it can be very easy to, to, to not accidentally do that, you know? And so things like our emotional needs, you know, and things like spiritual, discipleship you know, like discipling. Like the way I get to disciple you and you, and we get to disciple our kids. Like all of a sudden, we, we can't have morning Bible time because there's, you know, 50 different performance-related things that have to get done.

Rachel: Yeah. To-do lists.

Austin: And for us, we, we have an unconditional rule about that. Every day, 7:00, we're doing Bible time together. And then whatever we have time for after that, for things like careers, jobs, finances, all that, it gets done after we've nurtured our spiritual life, we've nurtured our children we've, we've stewarded what God's given us. And so, you know, back to the right community, when you're in the right community, you can feel really supported in this, okay? Like in our community, in, in CCM, our couples remind each other constantly. It's one of my favorite things in the world. like this is kind of a little sidebar, but little peek into Rachel and I's, like, internal dialogue. One of my favorite things in the world is when, like, my phone beeps and someone asks a question, like, in our community, 'cause we have this beautiful mobile app. And, and, someone asks a question, and I see that, like, multiple people have replied to it

Rachel: That's so great

Austin: Before I had a chance to reply to it. And they say amazing, life-giving, high-integrity, biblically aligned, psychology reinforced things. You know?

Rachel: That nurtures my soul. Thanks, guys.

Austin: Yes. Thank you, guys. maybe we should be paying them. Nah. I'm just joking.

Rachel: Hopefully that made you laugh, guys.

Austin: Yeah, they're laughing. I can feel it. but when you're in the right community, it's like couples remind each other of the things that matter. Things like identity. That their identity and worth is rooted in Christ, you know? And so when you're in a community like ours, you're gonna be reminded of that. Like w if you're feeling the pressure of performance, if you're feeling the pressure of meeting numbers to get rewards, you know, people in our program are not gonna be like, "Oh, hey, so what are you doing with your numbers today?" They're gonna be like, "Hey, your identity and worth is rooted and grounded in Christ." "And so you might be stressed today, you know, Joe. You might be upset today, Kyle. You might be burdened today, Bill, you know, whatever." "but I just want you, to remind you, man, that, like, your, your value is not in what you bring to the business, what you bring to leadership, what you bring to the church."

"It's who you are in Christ, is that Christ defines the ultimate value that you bring to the table. And man, if you're stressed today, I just wanna remind you that's who you are." And that is like, it's so comforting because it's like you see me as a child of God and not as someone who can bring value to your life.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. And then it's like, "Hey, since you're wanting to grow in this area, I've actually been through that too." "Here's the training I watched." "Here's the thing that I did. Ask this question. Get curious here. Do this thing." And then it's not only, "Hey, I see you. This is your identity," but usually you're showing up in a way that's like, "I wanna grow in this. What do I do?" And you have tons of advice and encouragement from people that are like, "Yep, that's tough."

Austin: Well, yeah.

Rachel: "I've been there."

Austin: And, and, and that's the other thing too is when we have consistent encouragement from others you can bring way more grace into your marriage than pressure, okay? 'Cause, 'cause think about that. If I've got a group of men, which I do, that are, encouraging me, and you've got a group of women, which you do that are encouraging you- I benefit from the women that encourage you, and you benefit from the men

Rachel: It's true

Austin: That encourage me. So then when we're together in our marriage, it's like we have way more grace to give each other because grace has been poured into us and now grace is abounding even more which lowers the pressure, okay? I, I don't want you to feel all the pressure in the world that you have to somehow meet or sustain all my needs, okay?

Rachel: That's codependency.

Austin: Yeah, that's codependency because that's between me and God. And God convicts me, leads me, inspires me to be in a relationship with people that I can then make requests from and create and co-labor with. That's different. That's what we do in a community. And there's so many people, high-performing, epic Christians, that are hiding from being in a community because they're scared of what people might think of them if they're willing to admit they need help. And once they get over that, and then they they, they get their toe out of the pool, and they put their whole body in it. And they're like, "Oh, my gosh." Like

Rachel: I love swimming in this

Austin: Yeah, I love swimming in this pool- 'cause I'm in a brotherhood. I'm in a sisterhood. I'm in a couplehood with other people who

Rachel: Couplehood

Austin: Couplehood.

Rachel: Are we, are we branding that now?

Austin: I just made that up, couplehood.

Rachel: Yeah. #couplehood.

Austin: I don't think anyone has ever said that in the history

Rachel: I didn't check it

Austin: Of creation. may- God probably said it, but no one else, me and God. Couplehood. And it's like when we have that, it's like- These are people that get me, they understand me, that they're vulnerable about where they struggle. I'm vulner about vulnerable where I struggle. And then we're able to pour into each other, and that lowers the pressure in our marriage. And in all the couples that are in that our program.

Rachel: Yeah. Which then grows you and your spouse in relational intimacy. So as you're experiencing that with other women or other men you are upping your thermostat for how well you can give and receive love. And that's one thing that, some people might be nervous about walking into, because it's foreign a little bit. Most people have a very, very We've talked about this before on the podcast, but a very low level of how they are

Austin: Mm. My

Rachel: Their ability to give and receive love. And we sabotage our lives all the time to get back down to that level, 'cause we're like, "This is more comfortable down here." But

Austin: I don't deserve to be loved as much up here.

Rachel: Yeah. And so therefore, I can't give what I don't have, so I give you a really low level of love, and it just kinda sucks all around, but I think it's great 'cause it's all I've ever known. But then when you're in this community that level

Austin: Rises

Rachel: Grows and grows and rises and rises. So then, guess what? It grows in your marriage. And of course, we have couples calls too. So we're talking about the guys and girls, but it increases. We do

Austin: Well, well there's a

Rachel: Specific targeted activities.

Austin: Yeah. There's, there's another quote I made up.

Rachel: For couples.

Austin: It's something like, "Rising the tide rises all the ships," or something like that. Yeah, I just I was just I thought it was profound. Rising ti- Rising tides rises all the ships. Yeah. I made that up, like, 10 years ago somewhere.

Rachel: Awesome, Jake.

Austin: Act

Rachel: All right. Well, how about on that note, we're going to take a brief intermission for appreciations.

Austin: You might have thought we forgot.

Rachel: Ha-ha.

Austin: We didn't forget. We just put it in the middle of the episode, because YouTube says that if we give a lot of, clear instruction and value in the very beginning of the episode, you'll watch it longer. So hopefully that's happening. we're supposed to buy the

Rachel: We're putting our best foot

Austin: Yeah. We

Rachel: For forward. Well.

Austin: Yeah. We're supposed to get you to watch for 30 seconds, and then hopefully that gets you to watch for two minutes and then hopefully that gets you to watch the rest. So

Rachel: We're all about that

Austin: Spoiler alert. but let's appreciate each other.

Rachel: We're putting in our research. But

Austin: Rachel, I wanna appreciate you first. I, really appreciate how you really held space for my, just my emotions this last weekend. And so, without going into detail, we had a couple in our program have a serious tragedy with one of their children. And, that child happened to be just the same age and gender as our youngest, and, it just brought up a ton of emotions for me. And I, I wasn't as proficient at processing them, because I didn't wanna process them, because I was afraid of how much it would hurt to process them, to be honest. And so then I, I was, I was kinda short with you at different times and with the kids. And, and thankfully I noticed them, most of those instances, pretty quickly. But you allowed me to reverse and gave me grace, and I just really thank you for, like, seeing me and realizing, like, "Man, I must be feeling a lot of heaviness," because I love these people, and I love their kids.

And, it was just so it hit so close to home that it was just hard for me to process and But you gave me really good space to do that, and I really appreciate you for that.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Thank you. I receive that. I wanna appreciate you for how well you support me. You literally have always supported me very, very well. From just friends to dating to engaged to married, and all the way through motherhood, businesses, everything pretty much. Health and wellness. Everything that I want to either invest in for myself or, do to serve our family, you're usually, like, really on board. You also give me wisdom if it's just crazy idea, but Or too cr

Austin: Yeah. Too

Rachel: Not wise or something.

Austin: Too, too crazy.

Rachel: But you're so supportive, and thank you. I really, really appreciate that.

Austin: Well, I receive that. Thank you. All right. So our third and final reason for why high-performing Christian couples can tend to feel isolated or alone or misunderstood is because you carry silent pressure to always be on. To always be on it, nailing it, batting 1,000. Being that solid, epic leader everybody can depend on, that's not gonna make big mistakes, that's gonna just generally do really, really well at everything. Maybe you feel like you can't have a bad day. You can't let people see cracks in the armor, even your spouse sometimes, because it feels like people will only want to follow you or be led by you, if you are flawless.

Rachel: Yeah. And I wanna address that a lot of these things that we're saying are stories that you are making up. But it is There's a reason, and society has Just the way the th thing, the world works, we have those stories for a reason. However, there is a better way. That's why we're talking about it. But, but I just wanna clarify that it is a story. It's the story that we tell ourselves that's actually where all our suffering is from. Like, the story is that, like, "I can't have an off day. Because if I have an off day, like, well, these people are either paying me or looking to me or depending on me. And if I let them Like, the story is that I'm letting them down if I'm honest about- I'm having an off day." And just to encourage you, Austin and I are really honest with our community. Like you said, it's like, "Hey, here's where I am at." But we approach that with integrity and not as a victim.

And it's such a powerful thing.

Austin: Yeah, 'cause

Rachel: But we will get to that

Austin: 'cause you know what's funny is sometimes couples learn from our off days the most. You know? From the times where we do have off days, off moments that we share. It's almost like, you know, we mention that stuff and then people are like, "Oh, what? What was that? Oh, interesting."

Rachel: You

Austin: Yeah. And, and

Rachel: Struggle sometimes?

Austin: And, and they really, they really, connect to that. They really relate to that, you know? And so we've always believed that it's important for leaders to be able to show that. But I, I, I- I have to say that for me, like, I could spearhead this one myself, because I've generally, for a long time I really carried that story of like, "Well, how could we be leading others if we're not nailing it pretty much, like, at all times? Like, if we're not on point and, like, crushing it at all times, like, how could we lead people? Like, how could we, we be qualified?" You know, and so, but ultimately if you don't ever struggle, if you don't ever know how to overcome trials and tribulations and things like that, how could you be qualified? You know, because that's that's your education.

Rachel: That's where the qualification happens.

Austin: Yeah, that's where the qualification happens is in that gap between being anointed and being appointed. And I think for us, and I think for anyone listening to this, you know exactly what we're talking about. You're that Christian high-performing couple that that really does want excellence. You wanna be excellent in your marriage, excellent at trusting in God, stewarding your children, stewarding your finances your, your, your

Rachel: And people are looking to you

Austin: Yeah, your skills and talents. People are looking at you. And there is pressure. It's just a silent pressure that's like man. 'Cause like when we, when we coach like pastors and other couples, that's something we hear all the time, is they're like, "I just feel this pressure at all times that I can't be messing up. I can't be flawed. I can't be making mistakes. I can't be sad. I can't be depressed. I can't be angry." And then we have all these pastors that feel that way. We have all these pastors that then have no support, no one they can really tell the truth to, and then what do we hear on the news? Big blow up moral failure. Because they didn't have someone to confide in, to regulate with, and realize that there could be a whole community of people that understand your struggle. You know, and there's a good There's a lot of people in our program that have been pastors, that are pastors, that are big business owners to little business owners to not business owners, leaders, you know, whatever.

But it's just people that are absolutely, unapologetically trying to live out the calling on their life, okay? That that they would, be excellent, you know, and have high integrity. And so you probably know exactly what we're talking about when we describe this. And and the truth is, like you, it's in some of your bad days, the lessons that God teaches you in your bad days, if you're willing to use those things for good like God wants to use them for good you know, we're we're able to teach amazing things, out of those lessons.

Rachel: Yeah. And this pressure, like this silent pressure to always be on, it negatively impacts your marriage because it creates this emot emotional distance between you and your spouse because one or both spouses are trying to be on for each other. And not wanting to, you know, come to each other like, "Yeah, I'm really struggling right now," because that's really vulnerable. And sometimes a lot of us, we've learned not to be vulnerable because we were at one point and somebody really shut us down or shamed us or embarrassed us or or whatnot, and it can be really hard to have that that separation of like, oh, well, I'm gonna be on for everyone else, but then, oh, I'm gonna be emotionally intimate with my spouse. It doesn't really work that way. It's, you know, it's like you're trying to wear two hats, but it's really difficult if you're not being authentic and real with people outside of your marriage. It's really easy to not be authentic and real real with your spouse.

Austin: Yeah. And all that pressure, that pressure to be on, because it takes away creative, emotional, and physical energy. You can feel weak. You can feel tired, okay? And if you are feeling a lot of pressure, a lot of times being able to admit that you feel pressure is vulnerab vulnerability. And we will often then withhold where we're struggling because we we we wanna look strong, we don't wanna burden our spouse, all that. So then what we do is when we withhold, we withdraw from each other and then we create distance. And so that pressure to be on all the time can really, you know, create distance in your marriage because it's taking so much from you and you don't want your spouse maybe to know that you do feel that much pressure, and the closer you get, the the harder it's gonna be for you to not tell the truth. And so then we just decide to not get close because ultimately vulnerability feels risky.

You know? And when we're not vulnerable, we can't be authentic.

Rachel: Yeah. And intimacy, and this is such a killer of intimacy because intimacy is stunted when true closeness, it requires being seen, it when we're weak. So it's like the moments that I have felt the most seen and loved by you is not when I'm like, "Woo-hoo, crushing it," you know on my to-do list or like, on all the time performance Rachel, results w driven, whatever. It's when I'm like, "Ugh."

Austin: Struggling.

Rachel: "This is ugly, what I just did," or, "I'm really struggling," or, "I'm not feeling very loved," or, "I made a mistake," or something. And you're like, "I see you and I love you." And that connects us. That emotional vulnerability is Honestly, honesty like that is the best aphrodisiac.

Austin: Aphrodisiac. That's right. Yeah. Like we tell people all the time, emotional transparency, emotional intimacy, that's the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Rachel: You can take that to the bank.

Austin: Take it to the bank. Take it to the bedroom. And, you know, again, back to the main shift that we want you guys to consider is what your community looks like. Again, and whether that's, whatever that community looks like, it's really, really important to understand that that community is gonna help you either feel ultimately supported, in struggling with that that silent pressure or it's gonna totally triple down on the idea that you are alone and that you are misunderstood, that you are isolated. You know? Because the wrong community is gonna see that in you, and they're gonna spiritually override it for you. They're going, "Oh, you just need to, like, go pray more, and you just need to go read your Bible more, and you just need to go this and go do that," and and that, you know, like, "Oh, that's just what leadership is," and th th they're gonna te

Rachel: Or, "I'll pray for you."

Austin: Yeah, "I'll pray for you." And which all that's good, okay? But they're gonna tell you advice from a place they don't, they don't understand how you feel. They don't understand that silent pressure to be on.

Rachel: I think we've all probably been there, right, like listener, where you open up and you're like, "Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm just gonna be myself, and I'm gonna be real," and then somebody almost interrupts you to tell you how they've been there, and they tell their own story, and you're like, "No."

Austin: You're like, "That has

Rachel: That's you have no idea

Austin: Absolutely nothing to do with where I'm at." Yeah. Like, you, like, you don't manage people, employ people, lead people. Like, you, you just have no idea what it's like to have that pressure, you know? To have, to have, you know, even, like, with me, like I have 70 volunteers that look to me, you know? It's like very few people have ever done that. So whenev when people try to tell me, "Oh, it's okay, you just need to let people, you know, make mistakes and learn," and it's like, what are you basing that on? Like, have you, have you done this before? "well, no, but I just, I just feel like, you know, the Bible says that," and I'm like, "Okay."

Rachel: And of course that person we can g attribute positive intent.

Austin: Yeah, of course.

Rachel: They want it. They wanna add value and help.

Austin: They wanna help. They wanna be relatable.

Rachel: But yes, it can be very isolating especially when you're

Austin: But the, the, the wrong community is not gonna know how to support you. The right community is gonna know how to support you. When you're in the right community, a community of people that can understand where you're coming from, that have been there, that have done that that community normalizes honesty and it normalizes imperfection.

Rachel: That's awesome.

Austin: Because, you know, one thing that we say to couples all the time is that the goal is not that you become perfect and that you never make mistakes. It's not the goal. Like, what we teach in the marriage world, it's not that you would become this flawless couple someday. It's just that you become excellent at dealing with learning opportunities when they come up. That you become so good at it, and so humble and so patient, and so full of the fruit of the Spirit, that any time you ever have a, have conflict or a learning opportunity, you're gonna be just really amazing at turning it around and glorifying the marriage and God with it. Okay? So

Rachel: It's a skill. It's a learned skill.

Austin: Yeah, it's a learned skill. So the right community is gonna help you normalize being really honest, like brutally honest, even honesty that makes you look bad, what you think looks bad.

Rachel: Yeah, that's a story.

Austin: Yeah, that's a story. honesty and imperfection, okay? Couples that can model that for each other. Because, you know, I It was Freud that said, you know, if someone looks The person who makes it look like they're the very most polished, the very, very most, probably has the biggest problems. Because they're overcompensating

Rachel: That is so true

Austin: So hard. They don't want you to see any chink, any gap. They're so scared for you to see that. Okay? Is that when you get into a community of couples like ours, you're not gonna impress anybody by looking perfect. You're gonna impress people by being honest about your imperfections.

Rachel: This is so true.

Austin: Another way the right community changes everything is that instead of hiding flaws, you can normalize spouses just being able to share openly. Okay? which builds, of course, trust, intimacy, all those things.

Rachel: Yeah, you're building those skills of like, "Oh, this is how- I communicate."

Austin: Yeah, bec

Rachel: "I'm straight up honest."

Austin: Yeah, because if I hide a flaw, I can't fix it. You know? And so, and then the last thing is, is that the pressure that you feel as a high performer and the shame it may be that you have felt for when you've made mistakes lifts as couples learn that, they don't have to be flawless to be faithful in God, or in their marriage, or in leadership, is that it's not about being flawless that makes you a great Christian, or a great spouse, or a great leader. It's about being honest, telling the truth, having integrity and being willing to show up. Just being willing to show up. You know, of course, we want good results and all that. I'm not saying that. But but to show up, to be in a relationship with each other, and to know that, you don't have to be flawless to be able to be qualified. Okay? you wanna be qualified, but you don't have to be flawless to be qualified.

Yeah. So

Rachel: Thank you for sharing that, Austin

Austin: Let's go ahead and pause. Rach, why don't you run through our nonprofit shout-out for today's episode?

Rachel: Guys, I'm really excited about our

Austin: This is a great one

Rachel: Nonprofit shout-out: Feed My Starving Children. They are making incredible impact all around the world, and myself and my three beautiful daughters got to be a part of one of their Mm, I'm, I'm not forget- I'm not remembering

Austin: Local events. Just a local event.

Rachel: It's basically where you pack the f the food packs, and box them up, and get them on pallets ready to ship to families and children all around the world.

Austin: I think that's called their Pack Box Ship event. I just made that up.

Rachel: But it is a blast. and if you as a leader have a church or a community, you can actually bring them in to your community. They facilitate Really, you just bring the volunteers and the space, and they bring everything in, and you they're able to I think it's like a dollar a meal or something crazy. But did you know that around the world, every four seconds, someone dies from starvation? That fact is chilling for me. And so what Feed My Starving Children is doing, not only are they bringing meals and saving lives to the impoverished countries, but they're bringing the gospel. So they're saving a life and saving a soul. And for $106, you can feed a child for a year. That's super tangible and super awesome. And so if you go to their website, which we have linked, and you toggle right on the homepage, at the time of recording this, there is a donor that will match, double all your, your giving.

Austin: Contributions, yeah.

Rachel: So you could give 106 and feed two kids for a year. It's super awesome.

Austin: Yeah. So

Rachel: So we encourage you to join us in donating to that. And,

Austin: To FM

Rachel: We encourage you

Austin: Yeah, fmsc.org.

Rachel: Yeah. You could give five bucks, but you could also feed a kid for a year.

Austin: Yeah. It, it's truly amazing. All right, so Rach, thank you for sharing that. And again, check them out, fmsc.org. All right, so now that you guys understand these three reasons why, high-performing Christian couples tend to sometimes isolate, or feel alone, or feel misunderstood, you've now got an edge on what to do next, on, on finding great community, on finding other people like you that understand you that you can build deep relationships with. 'Cause again, you can't read or podcast your way into deep wholeness. It's got to be done through relationships and through community. You've now got some great, you know, understanding of that. However, but, okay, however, if you are someone who considers themself a high-performing Christian couple, you're probably going to also want to watch, we have another episode, that we think would bring you a ton of value. And it's, it's actually called The Four Steps That High Performers Take To Level Up Their Marriage. Because it's gonna help you take everything that we talked about today and help you integrate it in really, just additional tangible ways, in stuff that, again, comes straight out of our marriage and, out of the marriages of tons of couples that we've worked with.

And so we will link that in the description below this episode. But if you got a lot out of today's episode, you're definitely gonna watch, definitely going to want to watch that one because it's just gonna give you a whole nother angle and perspective on this that we think will really bless you. So thank you for watching today's episode. Please give us a like, a follow, a comment, all of that so the algorithm, you know, we can ride the wave of the algo.

Rachel: Yeah. And we appreciate you sharing with your friends. If you benefited from this episode, share it with a friend because that is, really impactful for the world and for what we're up to here at The Conscious Christian Marriage.

Austin: Yeah. So we love you guys. We appreciate you. Thanks again for watching, and we'll see you on the next one.