The Untold Truth about Intimacy

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Rachel: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast, where we help high-impact Christian couples level up every aspect of their marriage one episode at a time. We are your hosts, Rachel and Austin Holt, and we are so glad that you are choosing to tune in today.

Austin: Babe, you nailed that intro. Oh, man.

Rachel: Sometimes we do have to take multiple takes.

Austin: No, no, no. We don't multiple take around here. But, yeah, you nailed that. I just, as you were saying that, I was like, "Whoo, she's hot." Anyway, so yes, we're so glad you guys have joined us today, whether you're watching on YouTube or joining us via audio on any of the major podcast platforms. But we're super glad you're here, and we're really looking forward to today's episode. As some of you know we've been on about a month hiatus. Technically five weeks. We recorded this episode last week, but the memory card in our audio device failed. So, we wanted to have an episode due out last week, but

Rachel: Here we are

Austin: The, the technology. And honestly, maybe it was a total God thing to be like, "Hey, just record this one again," you know? And just just for fun, you know? So I don't

Rachel: Yeah. We learned pretty quick in this process that if something doesn't work, either God says, "Make it better," or, "Don't let that air." There have been a couple episodes where afterwards something weird, like super weird happened that was unavoidable. And we're like, "Okay, God."

Austin: All right, God.

Rachel: "Whatever you have about this."

Austin: Yeah. Whatever's cool, yeah. But, so we've been out for about the last month, and essentially almost every weekend in February we were traveling speaking at different, marriage events or events. And so February was a crazy month. we also had multiple baby goats be born.

Rachel: Yes, it was the month of love.

Austin: It was l the literal It was the month of love and the fruits of love. You know what I'm saying? So I wish you guys could have seen Rachel. Actually, if you're on our email list, you'll saw one photo of her right after she midwife-doula'd a fresh little goatling. Which are called kids.

Rachel: By the way.

Austin: By the way. And

Rachel: Education

Austin: Yes. So lots of events, lots of cool wins. I mean, God has just been doing amazing things, over the month of February and into March. And so we're just really excited to come back to you with this episode, which again, we're very excited about the topic. Because we're gonna be talking a lot about how to increase your capacity for intimacy. But we'll get into then that in a second. First, we're going to share appreciations, because this is something we do on every episode, is share an appreciation. So Rachel, I'll go first. Rach, I really appreciate your ability to be over, like, logistics, planning, scheduling details. We literally traveled to a different city, some all the way across America, in February, every weekend almost. And just the way that you are able to, like, pull all that detail in so that I don't have to worry about it, like hotels and Airbnbs and rental cars and coordinating with clients and churches and all that, is amazing, because then I can just focus on some of my greatest strengths.

And I do think that event planning and all those logistics is kind of a nurturing thing. I do think it's kind of a feminine thing. And you just crush it at that. And not only did you crush our whole February travel schedule and how we were nurturing these marriage events and church events, but you were also making sure that all the little goats on our land that, were giving birth to other goats were all taken care of. And the barn was built out right, and you had other goat doulas on standby. I didn't know that was a thing. You know, sketchy Craigslist finds.

Rachel: We're coining this phrase.

Austin: Yeah.

Rachel: Goat doula.

Austin: Yeah, goat doula. We should buy that domain.

Rachel: Ooh.

Austin: Goatdoulas.com. I don't know, some people might get there by weird means.

Rachel: It could be dicey.

Austin: Yeah, never mind. No one take that idea, 'cause I'm still considering it. But I just appreciate that you are so good at those details, and you lean into it. And not only does that bless me and our family and our work, but, it allows me to be more in my masculine, working on the, some of the vision, direction, heavy stuff that we take on. And, if my mind was clouded up with, like, a million logistics, that'd be very difficult to do. So I just appreciate you. And I, and I honest to goodness admire you for it, 'cause you're really, really good at it.

Rachel: Thank you. I appreciate you appreciating me on that. I receive that. So one thing I wanna appreciate you for, among many things, but specifically in this moment I'm thinking of all your support with the goats. And when I need a little either moolah or brain idea or, muscle you just come in and basically save the day for me. So

Austin: Say that again

Rachel: You come in and save the day for me.

Austin: Mm, love it.

Rachel: Yeah. So you support my dreams, and I generally manage it, but it's like when I hit something where my feminine is like, "Mm-mm. I would like you to do this."

Austin: So you're saying I support myself? You said I support your dreams.

Rachel: What?

Austin: I'm your dream, right?

Rachel: Oh. Mm, yes. You are my dream. It is a dream having a farm life and also having a husband who supports me in that. So I'm not doing it alone, even though it's my thing. But you, I know that if I ever need anything, you're supporting me. So- I really appreciate that, because it's a lot of fun that way. So thank you.

Austin: You're welcome. All right, so let's jump into today's topic. So today we're gonna be talking a lot about increasing your capacity to give and receive love. Really, you know, we also call that increasing your intimacy capacity. And I just wanna let everybody know we're gonna talk about something really, really important at the end of this episode. And if you've been following along, we've already talked about this. It's our brand-new assessment tool. And we have created something called the Intimacy Assessment, and we've had a lot of couples already go through it, and it has been very insightful, very exciting. And so today we're gonna deep dive a little bit of some things that that assessment is gonna help you with. So be prepared for at the end of this episode, the way that we're gonna want you to take action is to take this free assessment. It's gonna score you and give you a bunch of amazing advice that's You might think that the assessment's reading your mind, and the only reason it is is because it's based on 20 questions that you fill out.

But it's gonna give you really great real-time advice for right, right where you're at in your marriage, you know? And so so just be thinking of that. but what we're gonna talk about today is really the first component of that assessment, which is increasing your ability to give and receive more love. And this is crucial. in marriages because marriages are kinda like a container, right? So you and I are in this marriage together, and we're both pouring in to this container and we're also kind of like little containers ourselves. And one of the single greatest reasons we see couples struggle is because they have a hard time pouring into each other or pouring into the marriage. And what we've found is that a lot of couples actually have a low capacity to just give and receive love. Like, they have a hard time receiving deep, intimate love. Intimacy is a form of love. Intimacy means see into me, right? It's closeness. It's proximity. And we've just found that a lo a lot of individuals in marriage have a really hard time just receiving love and giving it.

So their spouse may be giving it to them, they can't receive it. Or they may be giving it, and their spouse has a hard time receiving it.

Rachel: Which is really frustrating in the long run if you're the spouse giving and giving and giving, but it doesn't land with your spouse. That would be an indication that they have a low intimacy capacity, which is a low ability to receive love which also correlates with how well they're able to give love.

Austin: Yeah. And you know, what ends up happening too often, and we see this even in good couples where one spouse has been trying and trying and trying and trying to pour into the marriage, to pour into their spouse and by the time their fou their spouse is finally ready to start receiving, they're so burned out on feeling like they're giving and it's not landing that they then focus that attention other places. You know, which is a huge bummer, you know. And one thing that's really important, maybe one of the most important things you can take from this podcast episode, is for a marriage to be really successful, we each have to take 100% responsibility, right? Like- I'm gonna show up for you based on how I promised God that I would show up for you, not how I promised you but how I promised God, because agreements are between people, commitments are between us and, and God. And I made a commitment to God that I would, I would pour into you no matter what you did with it, right?

Now, some people, if their spouse neglects them long enough, they will stop trying, okay? But one of the most powerful things you can do in your marriage is realize that you have to take responsibility for how you pour into your spouse, and you get to claim responsibility for making it as easy as possible on your spouse for giving and receiving love to you, too. You know? So I'm gonna take responsibility in how I show up with you, but I'm also gonna try to make it easy on you to love me. I'm gonna make it easy on you to stay committed to me. Even though you told God you would, but I wanna make it easy on you. I don't wanna make it hard for you to stay committed to me. I don't wanna make it hard for you to not be attracted to me to not wanna be intimate with me to not wanna be loving with me. Like, I want to set you up to win.

'Cause when you're winning, I'm winning.

Rachel: And then if I do the same thing where I'm taking responsibility for myself and my actions, and then I'm also making it as easy as possible on you, that's where really powerful marriages happen. I mean, unstoppable.

Austin: Yeah, right. You know, it People used to say, "Well, put your spouse's needs above your own. If you each do that, you know, if, if I put your needs above mine and you put my needs above yours, then we'll both get taken care of." I understand the heart behind that. I don't agree with that because it's not sustainable, okay? Like, if you don't put your mask on in the airplane, you will die, and then you can't take care of your spouse. Life is the same way. And you taking care of making sure that your own needs are being taken care of, a lot of that has to do with your own just submission to God. Your own submission to God, the way that you rely on God, lean on God, all of that. And so if we are giving and receiving love well within ourselves, okay, between us and God that spills over into each other. And that's what we w want, what we want couples to understand is that, part of what we'll talk about today is when you are able to receive love from God and then enjoy that love from God, nurture it, give it to yourself even you know, to, you know, dare I say, love yourself.

Which we'll talk about that later. That actually is the well in which you draw from to love on your spouse. And so I wouldn't say that you should each put each other's needs above your own, but what you should do is consider each other's needs and wants and desires at the highest possible place of priority in your life. You know? And so when we do that for each other, when we're both taking care of ourselves, that spills into each other, and we're both considering each other's needs, placing them at extremely high places of, of priority, then your needs get taken care of, my needs get taken care of, and we each get to exchange responsibility for that. That's a really sustainable picture of a really incredible marriage.

Rachel: So what are some symptoms that would indicate that someone might have a low intimacy capacity or lack an ability to give and receive love well?

Austin: Yeah. Well, so let's start with one that we notice somatically, like when we're working with couples. You know, one would be someone's inability to look into their spouse's eyes.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Juicy.

Austin: Just their ability to just sit there and look at 'em and just stare into their eyes. At almost every marriage event we do, there's some element where couples face each other, look each other in the eye and they do it for, like, minutes at a time. And it's always just fun to kinda watch how people's kind of attachment style and some of their connection stuff kinda comes out when it's difficult for them to do that.

Rachel: Yeah. They might get goofy. They might look off. They might, you know, just do other things to kinda distract from what's actually happening to stay from getting, woo, woo like, "I'm seeing you, and you're seeing me."

Austin: Right. So the second thing I would say is the inability to receive compliments. I think a lot of people struggle to receive a compliment because their capacity for intimacy is so low, okay, that it scares them so much that they could be close to someone that even just a simple compliment can throw them off or make them uncomfortable. You know? Something like, you know, like I've seen you say to women a million times. It's al it's almost like a setup, even though it's not. But, like, you'll compliment another woman. You'll be like, "Hey, you look beautiful today." And she'll be like, "Oh, no," like, "Oh, this outfit doesn't, it doesn't look that great," or, "Ugh, yeah, my makeup doesn't look great today. Oh, I just threw my hair together." And then you're always like, "No, no, no, slow down. Listen to what I said. You look really beautiful today." And they'll start to And you're like, "No, no, no. Hey, just, just accept it." And then they'll be like Okay, yeah.

I'm just gonna accept it, you know? And it's amazing. It's one of the things I love about you, is, like, I watch you help women grow their capacity to receive love real time, right in the moment. Like, I love that about you. I, I think I've told you that before, but in case I haven't, it's one of my favorite things you do.

Rachel: Thank you.

Austin: So that's an that's a big one, is just the inability to receive a compliment. Okay? And part of that is they have so much guilt, so much shame, so much fear in actually acknowledging something good about themselves, that they deflect it when other people say something to them.

Rachel: It's almost, it's a learned or inherited behavior that gets passed down. We think that's, that's what humility is, but it is not.

Austin: That is not humility.

Rachel: It's not humility. That's a false humility.

Austin: That's, that's false hu yeah. Anyway.

Rachel: Another one is struggling to connect emotionally. So if one, if you are a spouse that has a hard time feeling in front of your spouse, being real about what is going on in your inner world, that would be a sign that you have a low capacity for intimacy. Not being able to feel your feelings in front of your spouse.

Austin: Yeah. 'Cause probably when you were younger, feeling your feelings in front of a caregiver led to something negative. So you internalize that and realize, huh if I cry, if I get angry, if I get sad, it's gonna not turn out well. You know?

Rachel: Another thing, people apologize all the time for crying. If anyone ever gets emotional, the first thing out of their mouth is, "Sorry." "Sorry, sorry."

Austin: Oh, yeah. We, we will do events where there's leaders and pastors and pastors' wives and pastors, you know, everything, and it's amazing to me how many people, who are even established leaders, they'll get up, they'll stand up, they'll start to say something, and they'll start to tear up, and the first thing they say is, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for crying." And it's like you do not have to apologize. So yeah, that's a big one. Another big one is just struggling with communication, period. For a lot of people, that's communicating love, also communicating needs, wants desires. If you're sitting here listening, thinking, "It's hard for me to just open my mouth and communicate freely without fear, without judgment criticism, et cetera," your capacity is either low in giving or low in receiving would be, would be my story.

Rachel: Which that leads to sexual connection. You may struggle with having a close sexual connection, and a lot of that does come down to communication. Whether you're communicating what you like, what you don't like, feeling comfortable being vulnerable, being seen, being intimate is a very, it's a very vulnerable thing. So if you have wounds, if you have trauma, if you have had, painful relationships at any point in your life, that can translate. And truly, honestly, everything that we're talking about, of course intimacy, can apply. Some people might think it just means sexual connection, but everything we're talking about will affect your sexual connection. So

Austin: I mean

Rachel: The more emotionally intimate you are, the m the better sex you're gonna have. The better you're at communicating, the better sex you're gonna have.

Austin: Well, what do we always say? The number one aphrodisiac is

Rachel: Honesty.

Austin: Yeah, honesty. Yeah. And, and emotional transparency. You know, and I mean, sex is such an allegory to all other forms of connection. You know? I mean, if you can bear it all emotionally, if you can bear it all spiritually you can bear it all physically. You know, for a lot of couples, if they can't show up naked emotionally, they can't show up naked mentally, they can't show up naked spiritually, so the last thing their body is gonna want them to do is to show up naked physically. Okay? Or they're gonna be like, "nope," because sex is such an allegory, okay? It's such a metaphor. It's an expression to, like you said, all forms of, of intimacy. The next would be spiritual connection. You know, a lot of couples, and I think even couples in the modern church, don't have a handle on this, that they can worship God together. They can worship God in song, in praise, in, in tongue, in, word, in prayer. It's an intimate thing because you are in full communion with the person that you are should be, I'm gonna say should there, 'cause it's that important, the most in love with in all of existence, which is Yahweh, the Father, and Christ his Son, you know, and the Holy Spirit.

And so if it's difficult for you to commute to commune with your spouse while communing with worshiping the, the, the, the Father of all creation that's usually an intimacy issue between you and your spouse. Like, it's a very beautiful thing to be in tears in the presence of the Lord together, to worship together, to pray together, to read the Word together. And so for a lot of spouses that have a low capacity for that you know, like, I think about times where, you know, you and I have been at prayer services, and we're, like, praying for other couples or other people or children or, you know, people in wheelchairs, all kinds of things. Like, you know, that we've had, like, prayer nights at our church where, you know, we're up there, w where people are sharing their most difficult things ever and then trusting that we would pray with them and that God would work through that prayer. Like, those are some of the times I felt the most connected to you ever.

Because it was, like, such complete reliance on God. Like, bearing everything to God together in front of each other. And so if it's hard for you to want to be spiritually intimate with your spouse and enjoy all those things together 'Cause our, our marriage is a ministry. If you're a Christian, your marriage is a ministry, period, end of story. Okay? And the, one of the best things that can happen as a result of your union is that more people find and follow Christ. So spiritual connection's important, and if you struggle with that, you have a low capacity most likely, for giving and receiving love.

Rachel: Yeah. Another sign is just thinking about your ability to love from a deep, sincere place. So if you have a hard time really expressing that to your spouse and really showing that to your spouse, that would indicate that you struggle with probably loving yourself fully receiving the love of Christ. 'Cause there's a head knowledge, right? Like, oh, yes, God loves me. I love God. I love people. But out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. So if you are not fully receiving that identity in Christ, that you are loved and that you are receiving that and embodying that, then it's not going to overflow to your spouse.

Austin: Right. Yeah. And I really believe there's a big difference between, like if the deepest you can go with your spouse is like, "Hey, I love you. Thanks for doing the dishes"- you know, there is a certain depth. Like look, look in the, look in Song of Psalms, look in Proverbs, look in s you know, so many parts of the Bible where you can really read where love is being articulated from a deep sincere place. You know? Like I even think about when God's describing his love for us and His d desire for us to be holy, you know like to the, like among the nations. I think Ezekiel and- Isaiah, and, you know, there's a big difference between, "Hey, I love you, thanks for doing the dishes," and like, "Hey, I love the woman of Christ that you are, and when I think about how you love me and how you steward our, the souls of our children and how you multiply everything good in our life, I just am, I'm, I'm so thankful to God, and I, I It gives me hope for humanity just when I think about like how much I love you and how, how much you serve our family and stuff."

Like, speaking from a deep sincere place is different. And if you find it hard to articulate a deep felt juicy love with your spouse, then your container might be small. You know? And, you know, and this matters. This whole thing matters. Let's talk about that. This whole thing matters because God wants to pour into us. And, like, God wants to pour into you, and I wanna pour into you. Okay? Like, God wants to pour into you all His blessings, but if your cup is small, then you end up with a full little cup and a wet floor. That's it. You know? And even worse than a small container is a cracked container a broken container where you can't even hold what God gives you. Think about all the scriptures and metaphors about overflow. Out of the abundance of the heart, or overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Okay? Psalm 23, "My cup overfloweth." Okay? God wants to pour into us so that we can pour out of there and overflow into the lives of others.

And if you cannot accept God's love for you, you're not gonna be filled with it. Okay? And if you can't accept my love for you, you're not also going to be filled with it. You know? And you're just gonna, like we talked about earlier, deflect it. So this matters because God is wanting to pour into us, but if we cannot even receive it from the first place, then we might mistakenly think that God's not loving us.

Rachel: Mm. Yeah. That's a good perspective

Austin: You know

Rachel: For sure.

Austin: Yeah, it also matters because, like you said earlier, it can be really discouraging for our spouse. And I'm not sure if God necessarily sits up in heaven and gets discouraged a lot but I do think that it probably does something to God's heart.

Rachel: Sadden probably.

Austin: Yeah. When he's like- "Oh, like I wanna pour into you," like just, like And, you know, I know He already knows the end, right? But like- I, I just have to think that God's up there thinking like, "My son, my child," like, "I want to pour into you. Like, open up yourself." And yeah, another reason too, like you said earlier, it can be really discouraging for spouses, right? Where they pour in, and they pour in, and they pour in, and they pour in and their spouse doesn't receive. And for a lot of people, they do that over enough period of time, they start to feel really discouraged, and then there's other sources in their life that is welcoming the encouragement, that is welcoming the connection, that is welcoming the intimacy, and they focus there. I mean, we see this all the time where you know, a wife might hyper-focus on her girlfriends or hyper-focus on serving at church or hyper-focus on being in the, the moms group or the the crunchy, you know, club or all all these awesome things because they're giving and receiving love there together.

And if her husband is not allowing her love to be poured in or reciprocating, over time it can make it that much easier to not put so much stock in that love and take it to the places that are constantly reciprocating. 'Cause at the end of the day, if you think about it, when couples are like, "Yeah, we don't have time together. We're so busy. We're so that," it's like, well, you, you're choosing to be busy. Like, you're actually unconsciously avoiding each other. Like you and I spend hours together every single day. We have quality time together every single day 'cause we're not trying to avoid each other. But the amount of times we've talked to couples where we've audited their calendars with them, and I'm like, "Okay, so each of you go to the gym for two hours a day. Each of you have three hobbies. Each And you have kids, and you've enrolled your kids in five sports, all these dance things." "You volunteer at church three nights a week.

Oh, and you have a property that it requires a ton of work, and, uh-" "a all sorts of assets and businesses or whatever." Well, you've set it up to where you never even are with each other

Rachel: Like

Austin: Because all these other things are filling your cup for you.

Rachel: Yeah. How have you not had a heart attack by now? That's how I feel sometimes with our some clients where we're coaching them through that, of this is not sustainable. And also, it just is a matter of stepping away and seeing, oh, my word, that's what I was doing. Because it's unconscious. Like you said they're unconsciously avoiding spending time together. And so if you have created that, that's another sign that you could have a low intimacy capacity, is you've filled your calendar with so many things so that you don't even have time together.

Austin: Right. Right. You have filled your cup with so many other things. You've allowed so many other things to fill you because you tried to fill it with your spouse, and you didn't get it in the way that you wanted or in the way that you thought was, genuine. You know? And so we've helped a lot of couples 180 that by being like, "Hey, let's try this for the next 30 days. Cut everything out of your schedule." Okay? Unmake yourself busy so you can be with each other, and then all of a sudden it's like light bulbs go off. All right, so let's talk about, 'cause I think everyone listening is probably really curious about this, why do you think people have a low capacity for intimacy to begin with?

Rachel: Yeah. Well, one reason is guilt. Just guilt and shame from past experiences, so, they might not feel like they really actually deserve it. And ultimately, when, when I'm coaching women, you know, a lot of our coaching work is getting the f beneath the thing, beneath the thing, beneath the thing, beneath the thing. And- Nine times out of 10, some form of, "I'm not worthy." "I don't think I'm worthy." And so even if you know it in your head, but you're creating results that say otherwise, I would beg to question, you might not feel like you're worthy. Even though you know, most of us followers of Jesus know, "Oh, God says He loves me, and I am worthy." But it's a, it's a matter of really taking on that identity, working through what you actually have been through that caused you to think

Austin: Yeah, there's a big

Rachel: I'm not worthy.

Austin: Yeah, there's a big difference between your Instagram post that says that and you doing the work to embody that. Because, you know, it's one thing to know it in your head, it's a different thing to live it in your heart. And you know, you know, guilt is about behavior. So for a lot of us that have never truly accepted God's forgiveness, we would allow a past behavior that somehow informs or dictates a low value. So our capacity's low because we think, "Well, we made all these mistakes in the past, so now I'm not worthy of good things happening." "I'm not worthy of someone else's love because I made mistakes in the past." And which also then leads into shame, right? So guilt is about behavior, shame is about identity. So if you have a fundamental, misconception of your identity in Christ, if you think that you're a bad girl or a bad kid or a bad husband or a bad this or a bad that, your brain loves continuity and it will keep you stuck in that cycle.

Well, if you're a bad dude, you need to do bad things and not expect great things. If you're a bad woman, then you'll do bad things and expect bad things to happen to you. Is that you don't deserve to be poured into because you're not good. And for anyone listening to this it's like, "Well, shoot, that is my internal dialogue. Ugh, I must be so terrible for doing that." Be gentle on yourself. Be gracious on yourself. You probably weren't given that curse. It was probably those who raised you. It was probably the environment that you were raised in. It was probably the school you were in. It was probably the neighbor kids that you had. You know, because, 'cause here's the thing. Not everyone got to grow up in a home where life was spoken over them. You know? I mean, a lot of people grew up in homes where life was not, and especially religious homes. You know, it's like, it, this is what blows my mind is, you know, like we know people that tell their kids, "Hey, you're not good.

Only God is good. You're not good." You know, like, "You're depraved. So don't forget, you're depraved and you're not good. That's why you need God. Now, now go to school today." "Good luck." And it's like

Rachel: You sh you shouldn't be proud. You can only do this through the power of Jesus.

Austin: Don't, don't be proud of yourself. Don't be, don't be prideful. you know, you're depraved, okay? You're not good. Well, let me tell you this. You know what we do with our kids every day? I put my nose on their freaking nose every day. And I say, "Repeat after me. I am a good son. I am a good girl. And because I'm a good girl and because I follow God " And they're, they're repeating me, I'm not saying I'm a girl. They're repeating me and I'm like, and they're like, "I'm a good girl because of God's love." And so we are speaking this identity over their lives. And I can promise you the kid that's being told every day that he's depraved and he's not good is gonna end up in deep therapy, if he's even willing to go to therapy, 'cause he's gonna have identity issues. He's gonna wonder why. Is it really good news that God died on the cross for me if He died on the cross for me only for me to be a dirty, depraved sinner?

To be known as a dirty, depraved, you know, filthy rags sinner? You know? And so most people did not have powerful identity spoken over them. You know, I mean, it's like my parents did a version of that, but they didn't know how to program me like we know how to program our children. Like our children know their identity, you know? And so, and I accredit a lot of that to you, you know, c you're, you're with them more than I am during the day and, and you do these practices with them. And because of that, I watch our kids speak life over other kids. Like, "No, like you're an amazing kid. Like, God loves you." Like, and, and so a lot of people do not accept love 'cause they were told in their developmental years they were not worthy of love. That they're not worthy of love. And those who are told they are, experience that differently. You know? So if you're sitting there thinking, "Well, I'm just not a good person.

I'm not You know, like, I'm depraved. Like I'm, I'm, I'm just a dirty, terrible sinner," you're skipping over how many verses in the Bible that talks about your identity? Chosen, dearly loved, beloved, masterpiece fearfully and wonderfully made.

Rachel: Yeah. God talks about the righteous all the time. He's saying good things will come to the righteous. The Lord blesses the righteous. You know? The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him. Like, there are so many good blessings, good things, and it says, "The righteous." Which He's taught we are made righteous through Christ. We are righteous.

Austin: Called, called sons and daughters, heirs, saints. Like it's, you know, it's amazing how many things God speaks over us, yet for some reason, small parts of scripture are gravitated to and, and that's just how for the most part people can unfortunately manipulate other people into doing what they want. It's just, it's just a fact, you know? And so I think it's really important for people to understand that they have an identity in Christ. Chosen, dearly loved, beloved. Okay? Fearfully and wonderfully made, masterpiece, saints, heirs, soders, soders sons

Rachel: Sons and daughters

Austin: Daughters. That's powerful. And when we live into that, we realize that we have been bought with a price, that we were worthy of the price. Okay? That's why He did it in the first place. If it wasn't

Rachel: And we're not saying we're perfect.

Austin: Yeah. Wasn't saying we're perfect, but if, if, if we weren't worth it to God to be reunited with Him, He wouldn't have done it. Okay? And because of that, we can be filled and pour into other people. And so you might be sitting there thinking, "Well, like how do I take that on?" It's believe it. It's believe it before you feel that way. Believe in your identity before you feel like believing in it, and then watch your world change because that's faith. That's the difference between faith and belief, right? And so another thing that people have to understand is that they have a low capacity because they've been hurt before. They just have a general fear of intimacy. All right? All, all modern-day dysfunctions for the most part are a result of past broken connection.

Rachel: Yeah. Hurting people hurt people. Period, end of story.

Austin: Yeah. And you might be afraid to let people in because you've been hurt Okay? You might be afraid to let them in because the last time you were close with someone, it hurt really bad. Another reason people have low capacity is because they withhold.

Rachel: Yeah, this is a big one. So listen up.

Austin: Yeah. So, like, if I was withholding from you, why would I get close to you? Why would I let you pour into me? It would just convict me even more. If I was withholding from you, why would I build an amazing marriage with you? Because if I did, all those truths would have to come out. It's pa i it's part of our human nature. Okay? People get avoidant when they don't wanna face each other- 'cause they don't wanna face things. Okay? another big one, and this is really important, and I know some people might be like, "He said this," but it's just low self-love. Okay? How we love ourselves is very important, okay? Because the second greatest commandment of all time said, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." It's so abundantly clear that Jesus cares about the way we love people. So why would he say, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself"? If he didn't want us to love our neighbor well, that wouldn't make sense, first of all, right? what did Jesus say when he was separating when he talks about separating the sheep from the goats?

What's the main criteria there? How we

Rachel: Oh, what they did.

Austin: What they did for others, how we love people. So he's teaching the disciples, "Hey, if you're gonna be at my left or my right, or sheep or goats, it all depends on how you treated each other." "Did you give people food when they were hungry, water when they were thirsty? Did you visit them in jail? Did, did you give them clothes when they were naked?" And then he says, "Oh, the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and the second is to love your neighbor as you love yourself."

Rachel: He's not saying love yourself crappy s and love your neighbor crappy.

Austin: Right. Yeah, because that would make no sense. You know? And so pe people are like, "Well, that's not what that means." There's, how is that not what it means? Accept the love from God. Love the creation. Really, what you're doing there is when you love yourself, you're just, ready for this? Agreeing with God.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, when

Austin: 'Cause he loves you

Rachel: Yeah, when you don't love yourself, you're saying, "Mm, yeah, mm, I don't think you did a good job."

Austin: "Yeah, I don't think so, God. Yeah, nope. God, nope, you messed up, God."

Rachel: Yeah. "This is not actually accurate and I reject this." So you're really stopping the flow of love, so then you have nothing to give. You have no overflow 'cause there's nothing there. You stopped it from God. You said, "Mm-mm."

Austin: Yeah. Today, today, one of the guys on the husband's call, that we had talked about how sometimes it's hard for him to receive love from his wife because sometimes it feels, like, manufactured or inauthentic. And we went through an exercise together, and what he realized was, the way that he loves himself and also gives love sometimes feels inauthentic because he doesn't really know how to be with his own emotions, be with his own feelings. And so then sometimes when his wife tries to love him, he, he thinks it's inauthentic or manufactured, and then he struggles. This problem entirely goes away when we fully receive God's love for us, and then we're willing to say, "God, I agree with you." "It's okay to love me 'cause you love me, God." So when you love yourself, you will pour out love. So let's talk about I, I'm sure everyone's sitting there thinking, "All right, how do we increase capacity? How do we give and receive more love?"

This is so important, so we're, we're gonna dive right into it. You wanna go first?

Rachel: Yeah. No matter how much you feel, like it or not, you are still worthy of love. And you can fully receive God's love over you. Whether you feel like it or not, you say, "Okay, God, I do agree with you." "I will agree with you. I will fully let your love into my heart."

Austin: Mm, yeah. It's basically saying, "Yes, God, I agree with you, and I'm going to see you " I'm sorry. "God, I'm going to see me the way you see me." Okay?

Rachel: A really great exercise that you can do is just sit in silence and ask God what he thinks of you. And write it down. He will always speak if you say, "Speak, Lord. Your servant's listening." And, "God, what do you think of me?" "I wanna know." And he will tell you s things so specific to you that are very, very special.

Austin: And we've even done this with people that aren't believers. And it's amazing how much God will still speak to them.

Rachel: Yeah, he speaks. Yeah.

Austin: So learning that what's true about you is true no matter how you feel, that's a big one. And along with that is getting super clear on what God says about you. If you can't Like earlier, you and I both riffed multiple scriptures, multiple points, multiple identity points without thinking about it because we read these things every single day. Every single day, I get a reminder on my phone. It says, "Read every morning," and within that is my personal identity statement and my mission statement as a godly man. And it reminds me every day of what's true about me, 'cause some days- I wake up, and I may not fully feel it. Maybe I was short with the kids the night before. Maybe I didn't get good sleep, okay? Maybe I tossed and turned all night, and I woke up, I woke up, I don't wanna work out or I don't wanna do this or I don't wanna do that, but I read this thing. And whether I feel like it or not, I choose to believe it.

That's faith.

Rachel: Yeah, it's walking worthy of the calling you have received.

Austin: That, that's right. Sometimes I don't even, I don't, like, feel like certain things, but I still choose to believe that they're true. That's what faith is. Belief means there, it requires no faith. Faith requires a little doubt. Faith requires a little uncertainty. And so for me, I love when I can be like, "You know what? Whether I feel like it or not today, I'm gonna believe everything God says about me." So number one, learning to fully receive God's love for you, whether you feel like it or not. And then number two within that, get super clear. If you're listening today, get super clear on what God says about you. And not what you've heard repeated from the pulpit or what you've read in some book, but what does the word of God say about you? Think about God's intimate love for you, okay? The second big thing is it's, like Rachel said about worthiness, but it's fully agreeing that you are lovable and using God's love to love you for you to love you, okay?

It's fully stepping into, "God, you made me this way. You love me," okay? "You knit me together in my mother's womb." I am lovable. Not just worthy, but I am lovable. People can love me, and I can love back. And that means appreciating yourself, seeing the best in yourself. It also means forgiving yourself.

Rachel: Yeah. We have such a huge emphasis, in the CCM program on self-love. There's courses on it because And, and calendars you can do daily self-appreciations because it's so important because if you do not have this ability, it restricts the flow of everything. It's so important.

Austin: Yeah. I can't teach people to play tennis, 'cause I'm not great at tennis myself. Okay? Now, if you wanna learn guitar, I'll make you a rockstar guitar player in no time, 'cause I'm a great guitar player, you know? We give other people the gifts that we have. Okay? And so if you want to Guys, I think we say this every podcast, but I don't care. You know who benefits the most when you learn to love who you are and not need to defend, apologize, or work your trauma out on people? You know who benefits from that?

Rachel: Everybody else.

Austin: Everybody around you.

Rachel: You benefit 'cause you're living the abundant life God called you to.

Austin: Yeah. Yep, so, so bingo.

Rachel: But everyone else.

Austin: Second bingo is all the people around you, their life becomes better.

Rachel: It gets better.

Austin: Yeah, because if you have not fully solidified your identity, your value, your worthiness your lovableness in Christ, then everyone else around you becomes a gauge. They become a gauge to see if And you're gonna use them to validate your beliefs about yourself. And if they don't validate it, you'll get mad at them.

Rachel: This is where so much drama comes from.

Austin: This is where all drama comes from. A crazy amount of drama comes from. Okay, so that's the second big one. The third big one is giving and receiving love with your spouse no matter what you feel. This is important. There are some days where I wake up, I'm a little tired, maybe slightly on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe the kids kes kept us up all night. May maybe you had to go shoot a wolf in the night that was attacking the goats. Just kidding. Usually, I do that.

Rachel: That's you.

Austin: But there may not be times where I fully feel like giving my best to you, okay? Because sometimes I'm just I'm imperfect, you know? But I choose to love you the best I can no matter how I feel.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's like at the end of the day when we're getting into bed, I, I have learned, it's a learned habit for sure, that I delight in and enjoy asking you, "Hey, babe, is there anything I can get for you?" This sounds very simple. But I think any mama who's ever had a newborn or children or somebody who works hard all day can understand. You could maybe say this, this would be the unconscious, "The last thing I wanna do is then get to the end of the day

Austin: After slaving. Yep

Rachel: And then serve you." But really, it's again, out of the overflow of the heart. Now, yes, sometimes I don't feel it, but I choose it because it aligns with my identity, my values, my mission. However, even when I don't feel like it, actually, especially when I don't feel like it- I feel better when I do.

Austin: Just like the gym. Just like going to the gym.

Rachel: Yes. Like, ah, that was great. I get the dopamine. We connected. I got you some Go Smoke yogurt or something like that from the kitchen, and then we connected. And you felt so loved that it encouraged me. Like, it created intimacy literally out of thin air. And it could have gone the other direction. But I chose, no, these are my values. This is who I say I am. This is what I'm gonna do, and it creates connection.

Austin: Yeah. Yep, and this is like growing a muscle over time. It's the ability to do without feeling like it. Now, we know that when we feel like it, we're way more likely to do it, right?

Rachel: For sure.

Austin: And that's, and that's a great thing.

Rachel: Which is awesome.

Austin: But we have, but we have to build the neural networks in our brain. Okay, we all have what's called our default neural network. We have to build on top of that neural network, which is those learned behaviors. God gave you a blain, a brain. A blain. God

Rachel: Sorry, that one was a good one.

Austin: It's okay. God gave you a blain that has what we call neuroplasticity. Okay? Which means the neural pathways in your br in your brain can change and move, okay? It's just like

Rachel: It's a gift

Austin: It's just like wa you know, walking a different path in the woods. You do it long enough, and all of a sudden there's a path there, and the old path gets overgrown. And you don't use it anymore. The brain is the same way. And when you fully give and receive love with your spouse, no matter how you feel, you will then feel like it. Just like going to the gym. 44 days. A new habit means a new neural pathway. That's all that means. To where you go into autopilot with the new habit that you've created. Okay? this also means practicing intimacy, okay? When you practice intimacy, you're still doing intimacy, okay? So even if you're like, "I don't feel like being intimate right now. I don't feel like being close," well, let's just practice. Let's practice being close. "Hey, how are you?"

Rachel: Let's look each other in the eyes.

Austin: Yeah, look each other in the eye. Holding our hands.

Rachel: That's a good starter.

Austin: How was your day today? Even if you're like, "Hey, spouse, I don't feel like being intimate right now," but I'm gonna practice, so I'm practicing right now. is this intimacy? I'm practicing. Hello. A lot of men, I'm talking to you, okay? Because a lot of men are bad at intimacy, so practice it. Hold your wife's hands, look her in the eye, and be like, "I'm not good at intimacy, but I'm trying right now. How are you?" And just practice being intimate. That's how, again, we rewire our brain.

Rachel: Yeah, and this would be something to communicate ahead of time to your spouse. Like, "Hey, this might be difficult for me." "But I'm gonna try." "And I would like you to join me, and when I try, I'm being vulnerable."

Austin: Yeah, and spouses, when your spouse

Rachel: "I'm putting myself out there"

Austin: When your spouse does try and does get vulnerable, honor them for that.

Rachel: Appreciate it.

Austin: 'Cause the worst thing you could do is poo-poo on them when they're trying hard. Okay? Last thing is ending withholding. If your pipes are clogged, nothing can move through them, the good stuff, the juicy stuff. Okay, when couples come to us for help with sex, one of the first things we ask, "Ladies, are you allowed to feel angry? Men, are you allowed to feel sad?" Most women suppress their anger, most men suppress their sadness, and when they do that, they clog the pipes where sexual energy flows. Okay, Rach, because we're slightly running out of time here, let's, let's get through our, our last piece here. Guys, when your- Capacity for intimacy goes up when your cup gets bigger. And all the things we just talked about make your cup bigger. So God can pour more in, and so your spouse can pour more in. Okay? When that capacity goes up, lots of things change.

Rachel: Yes. Oh my goodness, you have so much more fun together. We have a lot of fun together, guys. We have a lot of fun together. And that creates joy. We have so much joy because we're so connected, and we're experiencing life the way that God intended. We also have more intimacy, which is not necessarily sex, but we also have more sex. When we are more emotionally intimate, we are more connected. We feel seen, known, heard, loved. It's what everybody wants.

Austin: Just like it says on the T-shirt. Yeah. Lots of communication. We have more freedom. Okay? Because we're not in constant fear of being judged criticized, or looked down upon. We are more creative. When people are deeply, fully loved, and they feel safe, they're more creative. They like to do more artistic things, like to do more creative things. They like to express things, give ideas. be more risky, like dancing and fun stuff like that.

Rachel: Yeah, 'cause when you don't have drama which that's a perk, no drama. But when you don't have drama, you get to use your creativity for good things.

Austin: Yeah, and all that cre that all the creativity you put into solving your constant problems and cycles or defending against your cycles and patterns and behaviors you put all that energy into enjoying connection. You also worry less about what other people think because you are not tossed by the waves anymore of what the world says about marriage. When you're fully in tuned and locked in with your marriage, operating from a place of knowing, from a place of the word of God, from a place of peace, power, and love, when other people try to peer in and tell you stuff, you don't have to worry as much.

Rachel: Yeah. Others do not have the remote control to your feelings because you know your worth and your identity.

Austin: You also become less anxious. Okay? Because you are We always say anxiety comes from three places, not telling the truth, not feeling a feeling, not taking ownership. And when you are giving and receiving more and more love you feel free to tell the truth, to take responsibility

Rachel: To feel your feelings

Austin: And to feel your feelings. I said those out of order for some reason. I never say those out of order. That was interesting.

Rachel: It's 'cause you never said it in that particular way.

Austin: Yeah, it was interesting. Anyways, so that wraps up the core piece of our message today. But don't hang up. We want you to definitely check out today's nonprofit shout-out. All right. So today's nonprofit shout-out is ChristianCare Medicare. I

Rachel: Medishare.

Austin: Yes. ChristianCare Medishare. Thank you, babe. ChristianCare Medishare is a medical bill-sharing service. it acts kind of like health insurance. It's technically not health insurance. It's a medical bill sharing program. But it is what we have used as our primary healthcare provider,

Rachel: Yeah, since right before we got married

Austin: Financial instrument. Yeah, since before we even got married. We've had four kids with it, lots of surgeries, all kinds of stuff, and it is truly incredible. All right? And so they are a nonprofit. They're a religious 501 [c] [3] , and so they can confirm that you're a believer and all these different things. But here's what's amazing about ChristianCare. Number one, they have amazing policy on pregnancy and, h on how all visits go. Like, they they operate better than any other major health insurance model that we've looked at. That's why we've used them now for, you know, almo

Rachel: 13, 14. Oh

Austin: Yeah, 14, 15 years.

Rachel: 15.

Austin: Something like that. And so, and what's amazing is because they're a nonprofit, all the money that people pay every month to have this coverage, this medical coverage, it just goes into supporting the needs of all the members. There's not executives being paid these 10, 20, 30, 40 million dollar bonuses and dividends quarterly or yearly. All that money goes back into the nonprofit. That's why rates are so low, quality is so high. Every time you call in, they pray with you.

Rachel: It's amazing.

Austin: If you call in to pay a bill call in to check on a bill, call in to Something like that, they're always like, "Hey, can I pray for you before we get off the phone?" And when's the last time you called a major, one of the major healthcare providers and they prayed for you? They probably

Rachel: It's wonderful.

Austin: You know. Anyways. So we definitely want you guys to check out ChristianCare Medishare. We have a special link. We're gonna put it in the bio. If you click the link and you sign up, I think we get some type of Amazon gift card or something for referring people, which is not inherently why we're, mentioning them today. We are d we just feel very blessed by ChristianCare. They've been with us for all of our kids. Some random surgeries we had. One of our kids had a little umbilical hernia.

Rachel: Aw.

Austin: And just different stuff like that. And they've always covered everything like they said they would. The costs have always been what they th what we thought they would be. So we're big believers, big fans of ChristianCare Medishare. So if you're looking to switch, and you would like to put money into a 501 [c] [3] religious nonprofit where all your money is gonna go back into helping people it's an amazing option. Now, just remember, all things with medical advisement, consequences, liability, et cetera, et cetera, we advise that you seek out duly licensed, qualified medical counsel of your own choosing. In no way is this medical advice. We're just saying we've used ChristianCare Medishare for many, many, many years.

Rachel: It's worked out really well for us.

Austin: It has worked out incredibly well. And I want other people to experience that because healthcare can be frustrating.

Rachel: Very.

Austin: So we'll put a link in the description of the episode, and we highly encourage you to check them out.

Rachel: All right. So now it is time for you to take action. If you were inspired by this episode, and you want to take action on this in increasing your intimacy capacity we have an intimacy assessment that we have in the link below.

Austin: Whoo.

Rachel: We have referred to it for a couple weeks now. We're gonna keep telling you because it is a tool we have worked on for quite a while. It will give you really good insights into your intimacy capacity and give you a lot of tailored information on where you can take action. So definitely go check that out. We would love to hear from you. As always, click like on this episode or rate us, or if you're on YouTube, comment and subscribe. We appreciate you, and we'll see you next time.