The 4 Steps High Performers Take to Level Up Their Marriage

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Rachel: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage Podcast, where we help driven Christian couples level up their marriage one episode at a time. We're your hosts, Rachel and Austin Holt.

Austin: Hey, hey.

Rachel: And thank you for tuning in today.

Austin: Yes, thank you guys for joining us today. And those of you who have watched or listened to many of our episodes in the past, you might recognize that today's setup looks a little bit different. If you're just listening today, Rachel and I are standing instead of sitting, 'kay? #health. And, we also have an easel here. What are we going to do? We've got something really special planned for you guys today. So if you're listening to today's episode, we highly encourage you, this would be a great one to watch. Okay? So if you check

Rachel: There's a link below

Austin: Yes, check the link below. It's gonna have a link to this video that you can watch on YouTube. 'Cause today is gonna be really special. But before we jump into the really, really, really special content that we have planned today, we are going to start off with appreciations. And if you've ever done anything with us before, you know that what we do when we start anything, whether that's a podcast or a training or an event or like a call or whatever it is, we always do appreciations. So Rachel, I'm gonna appreciate you first. Deal?

Rachel: Deal.

Austin: I just want to really appreciate for, excuse me. And I'm not gonna edit this out, 'cause I'm, you know, I'm human. I really want to appreciate you for how present you have been, with the kids lately. Especially since we've been kinda snowed in, we've been with the kids a lot, plus the normal homeschooling and all that. But I've just noticed that we've done a lot more candlelit, you know, dinners and, like, singing worship songs and stuff together at the end of the day. And, like, you've just been really focused on, I think you used the phraseology of just stewarding their souls. And, I really, really just appreciate how much you've slowed down. Your phone's generally not on you in the evenings, and you're just with the kids and really present and singing songs. And, it just makes me feel really, really blessed to be your husband, because it was always my prayer as a young man that I would find a wife who would also be a great mother, and you are a great mother.

Rachel: Thank you.

Austin: And the way that you love them and the way that you are really, again, stewarding their souls and being, you know, one of their spiritual leaders, really means the world to me. So I appreciate you for that.

Rachel: Thank you. I receive that. So I had a different one, but I do wanna just piggyback off of that and appreciate you for your incredible skill in music. It's really, inspiring, and I'm really thankful that our children will have what I didn't have, which is support. Last night, Careese was asking me, she's like I can't remember what she said. She's like, "Did you ever play any instruments?" I was like, "Well, I tried piano. That didn't go well- 'cause of who my teacher was. Didn't go well. And then I tried to learn guitar on my own, but I didn't really have the support of my parents." And she was like, "Well, I'm really glad that I have the support of you guys." And really, it's you. I support her, but, like, you are teaching all of our kids all the instruments. And I love that music is a part of our home. And it does minister to me. Last night, I felt really blessed and ministered to by you just playing piano, and then me singing along while I was cleaning was really fun.

Austin: Yeah. It was fun.

Rachel: And I think our kids really enjoyed it, you leading, having a spirit of worship in our home. It was, I really enjoyed being the recipient of that, so thank you.

Austin: Well, thank you. I appreciate that. And I know you have lip gloss gone, lip gloss on, but I'm gonna give you a kiss anyway.

Rachel: Go.

Austin: And we'll just deal with the fallout here. Okay? We'll deal with the shiny lips.

Rachel: Sparkle, sparkle.

Austin: Yeah, sparkle, sparkle. I can handle it. Okay, thank you for your appreciation.

Rachel: You're welcome.

Austin: So all right. real excited about today, because today is not just going to be a podcast episode, but today is actually going to be a training. And for the first time ever on this podcast, we are going to sort of unveil, which is, like, the funny marketer phrase, so I, you know, sometimes I don't like to use it, but we are. we're just kinda unveiling really what is part of our core method at CCM. In, first of all, helping couples recognize what some of the real issues are, kind of what we talked about last week, withholding. Actually, we're gonna talk a lot about withholding today, 'cause it's part of our core method. But we want to help you guys understand: What are the real problems that are keeping you stuck? And also help you understand, so the cycle that people get stuck in and help you understand, what it looks like to actually make these shifts, so that you can experience a really incredible marriage.

And before we get into it, I just want to give all of you hope, 'kay? whether your marriage is at, like, a four out of 10 or a nine out of 10 or a 10 out of 10, I just wanna give you hope and that you can continue to make your marriage better and better and better. Where you can continue to experience the richness that God has for you in your marriage. And, we've helped a lot of couples do it, and, it's easier than you think. You just gotta lean in be humble, and yeah.

Rachel: As long as you're willing.

Austin: Yeah, as long as you're willing.

Rachel: It's important, yeah.

Austin: Yeah. So all right. So let's hop straight into this training today. You ready to roll, Rachel? We forgot our handshake.

Rachel: Handshake.

Austin: Handshake, yes. Love you so much. All right, so here we go. So if you consider yourself a driven Christian couple, maybe more of what we would call a high-performance couple, the type of couple that really truly believes in being Christ-centered in all that they do. the type of couple that believes that integrity is a non-negotiable in their marriage and in every other area of their life. If you're the type of couple that believes in truly being committed, truly showing up at 100%, and the, also the type of couple that really believes that their marriage is a way that they worship God, because we do worship God with our marriage and also believes that their marriage in and of itself is a ministry to the world, 'kay? If you're that type of couple, then today's training really is gonna be for you. And what we wanna do is share with you a really simple illustration that has helped hundreds of couples just like you build an amazing marriage and an amazing life together.

Okay? What that looks like is, like, if you have kids, it looks like parenting is way more fun way more easeful. You're on the same team. You enjoy parenting together.

Rachel: Yeah, you have more intimacy together. You have better communication. You know, you're removing that blockage that's keeping you stuck.

Austin: Yeah, yeah. You experience better health together. Okay, you, have a more thriving sex life together because you are so y connected, you are communicating so well. You're also building legacy together meaning you care about really what happens even beyond y the span of your life. Okay? And like Rachel said, it's the type of marriage where the blockage is removed, that blockage that keeps you withholding from each other, the blockage that keeps you from withdrawing from each other, the blockage that just kind of sits there sometimes. Sometimes people try to ignore that they're like, "Is it really there? I don't really think it's there." "We're just not connected today," but you know that it's there. Okay? an epic life together means that you build your life on your terms. Okay, where you really design your life. You look at who you are as a couple, okay rooted in Christ, and you build this amazing life together that you really are proud of, the type of life that you get to the end of your life, you're 115 years old, and you're sitting on your

Rachel: 115. That sounds good

Austin: 115, that's right, on your rocking chair on your front porch, eh, like this, and you look back on your life and you're proud of it. Okay? It's that type of life.

Rachel: Yeah, the type of marriage where the husband feels madly respected and admired by his wife, and the wife feels safe and cared for and loved by her husband.

Austin: Yep, the type of marriage where you genuinely feel the thrill and passion of, like, flirting throughout the day rather than exchanging texts about bills or logistics or picking up kids or picking up food or

Rachel: Or work

Austin: Or, yeah, work and

Rachel: Can we get takeout tonight? Because, yeah.

Austin: Any of these things, where you're actually just having fun, you're playful together. You're actually still enjoying romance together. Okay? It's also, also just the type of intentional life where day to day, your life's not full of obligations. It's not full of busy. It's not full of drama. It's not full of pressured choices, okay, where you're on the same team. You're actually co-creating life together, okay? It's a life of intention. You're raising good kids. Like we said earlier, you're healthy, okay? You're, you feel intimate together. You have a great community around you, a life where you thank God every day for. It's also the type of life where you get to experience alignment, okay on the vision and the purpose for your family. All right? If this is the type of life that you want to create, then I would encourage you to continue to watch, continue to listen because we're gonna help you understand exactly how to get there, okay? Now, one reason that this p training is gonna be so powerful for you is that we're gonna start by helping you understand what the problem is not, okay?

Because for a lot of people that are stuck, they think it's some certain problems, but really it's not. Okay? So if you feel like you're stuck a little bit in a loop where maybe you've got a good marriage, but you really want that marriage to become great, or you've got some recycling issues or drama or something that you just haven't quite figured out yet, what's important to understand is it's not that you don't have enough time, okay? It's not that you don't have enough quality time together. It's not that you don't have dates together or enough dates together. It's not that you're so busy or overwhelmed.

Rachel: It's not because you don't know how to communicate, 'cause chances are you guys are both smart. You know how to communicate. You can talk. It's not because of that.

Austin: Yeah. It's

Rachel: It's, it's not because you're not intimate in the bedroom, or your sex life is stalled. It's not because of that.

Austin: Yeah. It's not because you think you're so different from each other. Okay, it's not because your Enneagram types are different. Okay, or your Enneagram wing doesn't communicate with their wing or whatever. Okay, it's not that, and it's not necessarily even because one or both of you came from a broken family or have maybe substantial past trauma. Okay? It's actually something much simpler than that. So take a deep breath. F and we, we wanna give you hope, all right that the problem that you're experiencing probably isn't as complicated as you might think. Okay? So, here's what I want you to do. I want you to picture this really healthy, awesome relationship, okay? So you've got this husband over here. You got this wife over here. Look at her pretty hair. Okay. Look at him with his cool comb over like I got. Okay. And, and then the other thing we have right here is a picture of this, think of this as, like, a bucket or a container, and this is kind of like the marriage.

Okay, and this will make sense here in a second. But here's this amazing couple, okay? They're loving their marriage. They're super happy together. They're having an amazing life, okay? Things like they have a felt sense of priority, meaning that they know at the end of the day, no matter what, for their spouse and themselves, it's God, their marriage, everything else.

Rachel: They have no expectations. They have clear agreements, and there's safety and peace in that that they really enjoy.

Austin: Yeah. Like we said earlier, they have fun together. Like, they actually have fun together. They joke together. They, they tickle each other. They surprise each other. Sometimes they even scare each other, you know hiding behind the door in the bathroom, whatever. but they actually have genuine fun together.

Rachel: Yeah, and they're so connected. Look at them. They're so happy. They're so connected in all forms, so you know, we talk about heart, soul, mind, strength. They're connected in their heart, their soul, their mind, their strength all throughout the day.

Austin: Yeah. They're also experiencing intimacy, okay? And there's lots of different forms of intimacy, but they're feeling close spiritually, emotionally, mentally, sexually. We like to look at the word intimacy as see into me. Okay, and so this, these two people are seeing into each other, okay?

Rachel: Yeah. Their faith is in alignment. They have purpose and goals and visions and connection in their spirituality together.

Austin: Yep. this couple is also feeling like they both bring 100% to the marriage, okay? Because a lot of times, a lot of the frustration comes from one spouse feeling like they're giving more than the other. So in this amazing relationship here, both spouses are showing up 100%.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and they have alignment in their values and their goals and their decisions together. They're fully aligned in that.

Austin: Yeah. And they're also moving through learning opportunities quickly. All right? Then learning opportunity is something that we call conflict. Okay? And so they basically see every opport every piece of conflict that they experience in their marriage, they're actually choosing to see that as a learning opportunity so that every time they hit a bump in the road, it actually ends up becoming an opportunity for them to get closer together. Okay? And that

Rachel: It does, so nothing's in vain. It's amazing.

Austin: And basically, this is a marriage that ultimately leads them closer to God. I like to call God Yahweh, 'cause that's His name. And so this is the type of- This is the type of marriage where ultimately, as they create together, they're actually getting closer to God together. And what gets them to that? Okay, this is gonna be one of the most important things we talk about today. What gets them to this place where they're actually getting closer together and getting closer to God as they get close together? This is what we call co-creation. Okay? Co-creation. Don't forget that. This is the kind of relationship where two people actually become one. It's a, it's a partnership built on contribution, built on growth, built on passion, built on connection. Okay? 'Cause what it looks like is they're pouring in. Okay? She's pouring into the marriage. He's pouring into the marriage. She's contributing to the marriage. He's contributing to the marriage. And it's a really, truly amazing thing.

And when we co-create together, not only do we get closer to God together, but we start to experience amazing results in every area of our life. Okay? Meaning you've got stuff like your health your wealth, relationships, and faith, and the more that you pour into this container, the more that you both pour into the marriage, it overflows, and that overflow enhances every other area of our life.

Rachel: And it inspires others. Like Austin said earlier, your marriage is a ministry. And as this grows, it is an inspiration to others and an example.

Austin: Yeah. But here's the truth. Most relationships actually don't look like this. Okay? Let's talk about what actually happens in most marriages. So the problem is that when it comes to contributing to a relationship or to creating intimacy between people, most people actually just don't know how to do it. Okay? They weren't modeled how to do it. They don't know, so they actually just withhold. Okay? And they withhold because they don't wanna rock the boat because growing up, when they didn't know how to get close to their parents or close to their loved ones, anytime they ever asked for things or they got, they got upset about things or they shared their desires or wants or needs, a lot of times it didn't end well. So they learned a good strategy called withholding. And basically, withholding means that I'm going to hold back my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my needs. And then what happens is I start to create a wall, okay, between, like Rachel and I or the spouse here, okay?

I begin to, to create a wall here instead of a bridge to contribute towards, my spouse. So I've got this little wall right here, okay? Okay, where I'm withholding. Okay? And then what happens next is your spouse starts to sense that. Okay, if I start withholding from Rachel, it's easy for her to spot that, okay? Now, we don't do this 'cause thankfully we have worked through this, but this is something that we did in our very early marriage where, if I might be withholding from her, she'll start to sense that, and she won't feel safe with me. It'll make it very easily for her to also start to withhold. Okay?

Rachel: Like, "Oh, my goodness. What is he thinking? Is he upset with me? Did I do something wrong?" But then I'm withholding because I don't feel safe to even ask.

Austin: Yeah, that's exactly right. So she starts to withhold from me. Okay? And then what happens is when I withhold long enough, I start to withdraw. Because at the end of the day, if I'm not close to Rachel, then it's easy for me to withhold from her. But if I'm really close to her like this it makes it very difficult for me to hide things from her. So, so if I withhold long enough, I'll start to withdraw. And if she starts to withhold long enough, and then she'll start to withdraw. Okay? And then what happens is as she starts to withdraw and I start to withdraw, okay, then a third thing happens. Okay? If I withdraw from her long enough and if she withdraws long enough from me, another thing happens, and it's, it's actually two things. Number one, we project, or number two, we criticize. And project basically means that I start to blame her for why I'm withdrawing from her. Okay? I start to see in her the withdrawal rather than me owning it in myself.

Okay? Like, oh, my goodness, you know, Rachel is withdrawing from me. She's not close to me. She's not telling me things. She's not being truthful about things. She's not confiding in me. She's not being close with me, when really at the end of the day, that's what I'm doing. Okay? So I start to project, or, and/or number two, I start to criticize her, and what that means is I need to justify in my own heart for why I'm withholding from my wife. Okay? So then what I do is I start to tell myself a story that she can't handle it. She's not tough enough to handle it. It's something between me and God, so I don't need to tell her about it.

Rachel: It would cause something. It would, it would create a whole thing, so I'm not we're just gonna keep coasting.

Austin: Yep. It

Rachel: I don't wanna cause an upset.

Austin: Yep, exactly. And so then if Rachel withdraws long enough, she will more than likely start to do number one and number two as well. And then if I believe that Rachel is not capable of me telling the truth to her or ending my own withholding, then I'll just stay in this loop forever. Okay? So I'll criticize her, and then that will help me withhold from her. That will then lead me to withdraw from her, and when I'm not close to her, I'll start to project, I'll start to criticize, and then we stay stuck in this cycle. And if this happens long enough okay, then our connection- The very thing that's connecting us, the relationship shifts from co-creation together to cohabitation. Okay? And if the relationship shifts to cohabitation, then we're no longer partners, we're just roommates. Okay? And when you become roommates with someone, and this can be with still with someone that you love, okay? Where on the outside it looks like you're doing all the right things together, or maybe you do have good moments together, okay?

But essentially, when all you do is withhold from each other, again, your desires, your thoughts, your feelings, your wants, your needs, and you withdraw, and then you project, criticize, you just start to cohabitate. You're not actually experiencing intimacy with each other anymore. So then you're just roommates.

Rachel: Yeah, and that's when the busyness begins to pile up. Again, the withdrawing can look like busyness. It can look like just allowing the distractions to pile up in your lives.

Austin: Mm-hmm. Yep. It can, it can look like criticism is actually the main thing that's now connecting you. Because instead of confiding and being intimate about your heart and about the stuff that matters the only reason that you're really talking frequently throughout the day is really just to criticize. Like, "Where are you? Why aren't you here? Why didn't this get done? When are we doing that?" "This, this didn't get paid. This didn't get taken care of. This kid this, this kid that." Okay? you also start to really wonder how your spouse is feeling okay, because you've withdrawn. Okay? You've withheld and now you've withdrawn, okay?

Rachel: And then you might also notice like what they say to you and that the way that they're acting doesn't match up. And it's in, it's another way that you're not really connected, 'cause you think, "That doesn't really make sense to me. Something must be going on. I'm wondering what they're feeling."

Austin: Yeah, exactly. you don't feel a great sense of connection. and maybe you're too nervous to kind of pop the hood. Like you might be feeling fear to actually come to your spouse and be like, "Hey, I'm making up a story right now that we're not very connected, and I think we kind of need to like pop the hood and clear the pipes." You might be afraid to do that because you, you don't want to talk about what is probably gonna come next.

Rachel: Yeah, because you know that there's things that you need to talk about but you're really scared to do that because you're afraid it's gonna cause something worse.

Austin: Yeah, which goes back to the childhood piece where you're afraid to rock the boat because something might actually get worse. And then you're like, "Well, let's just leave it alone because we're kind of getting along," versus really getting along and really feeling connected. Okay? And at the end of the day, you know you love each other, like a lot. Like you, you really do love each other. But right now, it just feels like you shouldn't rock the boat. You should just try to survive rather than lean in. And our question to you is does this sound familiar? Have you ever experienced this where you've noticed that I haven't quite told my spouse, I haven't quite shared everything, I've noticed myself withdrawing, and then as I get far away from them, I start to blame them for why we're disconnected, or I criticize them, which helps me justify my error in withholding? Does that sound familiar on a small level or even on a big level?

Okay? The real problem isn't communication issues. It's not annoying habits. It's not big disagreements. Okay? The tipping point, the real problem here, which you've probably already guessed, it's withholding. Okay? That's the actual problem. Okay? because here's the thing. At the end of the day, you can have great communication skills and all that, okay, but it won't matter if you're withholding, because if you're withholding the truth, then even if you communicate you're not gonna be communicating from a place of integrity. And like Rachel said earlier, it's actually not gonna match. Okay? So why is this here? Why is this even possible? How, how is this happening, and what do we do about it? All right? So first thing is just a quick reality check, okay? And I want you to really think about this honestly. Do you even know of a married couple that you admire? Like, do you know of someone that you truly want to model your marriage after? Okay? For most people, the answer's no.

For almost everything else, there's typically someone to inspire you. Okay? Like if you're an athlete, you probably know of another athlete that really inspires you. Okay? If you're in ministry, you probably know of a ministry leader that you really want to model your ministry like. If you're in business, you probably know a business person that you want to be like. If you're an author, if you're a parent, if you're fill-in-the-blank there's probably someone immediately that you'd be like, "Oh, I wanna be just like them." Okay? But for most couples, they generally can't think of, you know, at least more than one married couple that they're like, "Wow, I really truly want to be like them." Okay? And here's why. Our culture is chronically sick when it comes to relationships. Everywhere you go, billboards, magazines at the grocery store, ads on Facebook, all over the place, okay, our culture does not support Christ-centered, healthy man-woman marriage. Okay? Our culture's chronically sick when it comes to relationships, and it's not your fault.

Okay? For a lot of this, you were never taught this. Okay? More than likely, you were not ever told that there was a thing called a withholding cycle. Okay? More than likely, you were never told how to increase intimacy. More than likely, you've never heard the phrase co-creation. Okay? More than likely, no one sat down with you, maybe e even in your premarital, and said, "Hey there's a really amazing model in marriage. It's called co-creation. It's where you create together with God." So let's talk about the solution. Okay? I know you guys are really excited. I think you understand this, so let's talk about the solution now. So there's basically four steps, okay, to help you end this cycle and experience a type of marriage that I believe that God wants you to have in your marriage. Okay? So, and it's easier than you think. Again we've worked with countless couples over many years, and through all of our work with a lot of different couples, we've identified just four steps that help completely end withholding, which completely kills this cycle.

Okay? Step number one is what we call increasing- Your intimacy capacity Okay? Increasing your intimacy capacity. The reason you're withholding is because your capacity for intimacy is low. Okay? Yeah. It maybe feels hard for you to be vulnerable. Maybe it feels hard for you to share the truth about your desires, your fears, your needs. Maybe you feel unsafe. Maybe you feel uncomfortable. For most people, their ability to give and receive love is low.

Rachel: It's pretty low. Even if you think you might, it might be high it's much lower than you think, and that ceiling, there's no glass ceiling to the amount of intimacy and love that you can experience. So increasing your intimacy capacity is gonna really help you guys in your marriage.

Austin: Yeah. When you feel intimate and you can see into me, you stop holding things back. Okay? But most people, they're not used to that, okay? Like for example, if I, if I was looking you in the eye, and if I said something like this: I want you to tell me, I, I guess we're not in the same room, but if we were, I would want you to tell me how easy would it be for you to accept this. If I looked you in the eye and said, "Hey, I just really wanna honor you. I really want to appreciate you. You are an amazing child of God, and I am so thankful that you committed the time, energy, emotion to be here to watch this training. It tells me that you love your spouse, that you love God, that you want to create an incredible marriage so that you can be used for the kingdom of God, and so that you can experience the fullness of God's love for you.

And I'm so thankful that you're that type of person, that you're willing to be here. I love you, I'm thankful for you, and you are an amazing child of God." Okay? If I looked you in the eye and said that to you, would you be super comfortable with that, or would you be uncomfortable? Because Rachel and I do that to each other about every freaking day.

Rachel: We're so comfortable with it.

Austin: Y yes. We are very comfortable with it, because

Rachel: So are our children and our friends.

Austin: Yeah. Like, my son, okay, when I pick up my son, a lot of times he'll say, "Point your nose at my nose." He's three, okay? And he'll put his nose on my nose, just like this, and he'll say, "You are a good dad." Okay? I could cry right now thinking about it. Because we have modeled for them what intimacy looks like, okay? And so step one is to increase your capacity. Okay, and sometimes what that means, okay, is really focusing on this container. Okay? Focusing on the container of the marriage. And we'll talk more about that. But when you increase your capacity for intimacy, you become comfortable in hard moments. Vulnerability becomes second nature, okay? You completely dismantle this withholding cycle, and you reverse the whole thing.

Rachel: Yeah. And this is when you will really begin to feel the most safe, seen, and loved that you have ever felt.

Austin: Yeah. So just to close up point number one, when we increase our intimacy capacity, we no longer even need to withhold. Okay? So step two, okay, I'm actually gonna put step two down here. Okay. Step two is what we call create a curious connection. Okay? Because when we're in the withholding cycle, what we end up doing is creating a connection of criticism. And so when we create curious connection, what actually means is that we start to approach our spouse with curiosity instead of judgment.

Rachel: And we build compassion and understanding with each other.

Austin: Yeah. It's the type of connection where, we have agreements in place that any time we have learning opportunities, any time we have drama or stress we've made agreements that we'll be curious about it, we'll lean in on it together, we'll honor those moments together. and we'll truly create safety for each other so that we can get curious about what's going on.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I get curious about what's going on with you and what's going on with me. Getting curious about what's coming up for me. Okay, how can I support you? It's so many questions for ourselves and for each other, and that increases intimacy, that increases connection and that breaks down the walls of criticism.

Austin: Yeah, that's right. You cannot have a sustainable connection on criticism if you want unconditional love to be present. You've gotta have a connection based on curiosity. And like Rachel said, curiosity about yourself and curiosity about your spouse, okay? This is how we fill the container, okay? This is how we contribute, okay? When I'm curious about me, I'm contributing humility into the container. When Rachel's curious about herself, she's contributing humility into the container. So let's go to step three. So step three is what we call explode co-creation. This is truly where two become one. Okay, and what it means is, is that Rachel and I or your spouse and you start co-creating life, which means you get clear about what you want as a married couple where you stand as a married couple, and then your relationship transforms into this place of safety and trust.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and passion.

Austin: Passion.

Rachel: And love.

Austin: And fun and flow and unstoppable growth, okay? When this happens, all the pain and disconnection, okay, things like fights about money, fights about sex all those other things fade away. And what ends up happening is as we co-create, we're contributing, contributing contributing, contributing, contributing, and this container fills and fills and fills and fills and fills and fills, because I'm contributing to her, she's contributing to me. We're contributing to the marriage together. The marriage begins to just overflow.

Rachel: It's so fulfilling.

Austin: And, and again, all those fights about all the s all those other things just kind of fade away because we're building it together. Like Rachel and I don't have to fight about money because we talk about money all the time. We've co-created our budget and our financial plan and our legacy plans together. We don't fight about sex because we co-create sex. We talk about sex all the time. Before sex, during sex, after sex. We always talk about it, okay? That's right. Because we co-create together. Okay? We don't leave any hidden weird expectations of each other. We just create together. Okay? This is how we explode this container. Okay? And as this container explodes, it just further and further and further connects us and points us to God because we're living in the fullness that He created for us to experience. Okay? So when we co-create, we explode this container, it connects us to God, and then that overflow affects every other area of our life.

Remember, again, health, wealth, relationships, faith. Okay? When this marriage is overflowing, it contributes to every other area that matters. So the fourth and final step is community, and this is incredibly important. Building an incredible marriage was not meant to be a solo journey. Okay? You were not created to do marriage alone. And when you isolate your marriage, you're, it's like you're this tree putting yourself in this tiny little pot, like trying to get it to grow in this little tiny pot, okay? Versus being rooted in a community where you have room to grow. You have people that love you, that wanna hold you accountable in loving ways, that want to support you, that want to inspire you. Okay, a marriage without community can lack depth, it can lack nourishment, because we get those things when we're surrounded by other incredible couples. Okay? And, you know, a lot of people boohoo over echo chambers, right? But if you are a Christian married couple, then you want to be in community with other Christian married couples so that you can double down on the word of God, double down on stuff that actually works in your marriage, double down on accountability, double down on all the different qualities and traits and fruits that we are to live by and, and to produce to have an amazing marriage.

Okay? And when you're in a community of people that champion your success as a married couple it enables you to just have a time machine. Okay? Imagine if every week you were on calls with other married couples that were like, "How's your marriage? How are you doing?" Like- "How can we strategize to make your marriage even better this week?"

Rachel: Yeah, and couples that have the marriage that you wanna have. Couples that are growth-minded, that they're learning a lot of the same things you are, and they're, they're committed in the same ways that you are. That is what helps you to keep going and to just l continue to level up and go levels above levels.

Austin: Yeah. Just like if you were someone who loves, you know, going to the gym, you know, or maybe you're even a bodybuilder, okay, like me, okay? It's, it's pretty obvious that I'm a bodybuilder. You know, maybe you're a bodybuilder. Well, you go to the gym, you spend time with people that have bigger muscles than you, or people that have the same size muscles as you that are on the journey with you. Okay? So that you can support each other, love each other, inspire each other challenge each other. Okay? And you know, we could tell you study after study about how the community around you is definitely going to be the thermostat for the level of success you experience in your marriage. Okay? This is how we maintain a thriving, incredible marriage, is by community. If you have an amazing marriage, but you're on an island alone, you're gonna struggle. But if you have an amazing marriage and there's 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 100 other amazing couples that you have direct access to, it's gonna ensure that your marriage not only continues to thrive, it gets better and better.

So let's recap this real quick. All right? To end withholding and to kill this withholding cycle and to get rid of all this four steps, everyone. Okay? Number one, increase your intimacy capacity. Number two, create curious connection. Number three, explode co-creation. And number four, community. Okay? So now that you understand the withholding cycle, now that you understand how to get rid of the withholding cycle, okay, you know how to get rid of cohabitation and go back to co-creation. Now that you know all of that, all we want you to do after listening to this training today is go take our intimacy assessment. Okay? We developed this incredible tool, okay? It's called the Intimacy Assessment, and it's gonna help assess all four of those areas of your life. It's gonna help you assess intimacy, it's gonna help you understand how curious and connected you are, it's gonna help you understand how you co-create together, and it's gonna help you understand the quality of your community. We actually developed this intimacy assessment specifically to help you get out of the withholding cycle and to get into this co-creation type cycle.

There's just a handful of questions. It's actually a really fun assessment. we've ta

Rachel: I like it.

Austin: Yeah. yeah, as we developed it, we've taken it a lot, a lot of our couples have taken it. It's a really, really fun tool, but it's gonna help you understand what areas you need to focus more on in your marriage so that your marriage can become like the marriages that we've talked about during this training today, a place of connection, a place of intimacy, a place of support, encouragement, fun, and even an inspiration to others. And most of all, a way that we worship God together. Okay? Instead of a marriage that maybe feels a little bit draining because there's a lot of criticism, because there might be some cohabitation, frustration, or withholding. Okay? This is a simple and private assessment. It's gonna highlight your unique opportunities, okay? And it's gonna help you understand how you can go through each of these four steps and maximize the impact those four steps can have in your marriage. Okay? So it's gonna cover a few specific things. It's gonna cover your intimacy capacity, which is basically how much ca intimacy your marriage, can give and receive.

Okay? It's gonna help you understand what type of connection that you're experiencing for the most part, whether it's, the criticism connection or the curiosity connection. It's gonna help you understand how much you co-create with your spouse. Okay? Do you guys co-create together? And it's gonna help you understand the environment or the community that your marriage is planted in, and whether it is helping or hindering your growth. And on top of this unique and customized score and description of what might be causing some snags between you and your spouse, it's also gonna give you what's working for other high-performing couples to raise your score. Okay? So not only is it gonna give you kind of an idea of what's going on that, that could help you level up, it's gonna tell you everything you need to do to boost those scores. Okay? It's just about 20 questions long. It's only gonna take you about three minutes. So click the link below to find out exactly what's next and best for your marriage.

Rachel: Yes. Definitely, guys. Go and check out that assessment. We really have put a lot of love into it. We have thought of you in mind our listeners and those looking to really level up your marriage. We really think that this assessment will give you a lot of insight. It will give you a lot of clarity, and also give you steps forward. So definitely check it out. Definitely click the link below. And also, we'd love to hear from you, as always.

Austin: Yes. Yeah, like Rachel said, the assessment was designed after working with lots and lots of couples. And we really believe that if you take just a few minutes, click the link, go check out the assessment, that you're gonna learn something really impactful for your marriage. So, thank you all for joining us on just a different style of episode today. Like we just wanted to just basically do this training, that we have in some other places, and just, hope that you are able to take a lot from this to get out of this withholding cycle, to step into having a marriage that is co-creating, that is highly committed, that, where you feel like you're just partners instead of roommates. And we're just glad you guys are here for the training today. So thank you for watching. Be sure to give us a like, a comment, a follow on whatever platform you're on, and we will see you on the next episode.