One Shift to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Rachel: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast, where we help high-impact Christian couples level up their marriage. We're your hosts, Rachel and Austin Holt, and we appreciate you tuning in today.

Austin: Yes. Welcome, and we, like Rachel said, appreciate you for checking out this podcast episode today, whether you are listening or whether you are watching and listening, on YouTube. We're just glad you're here. And we're gonna have a great time today, so, so welcome all of you, and welcome, Rachel. It's great to see you.

Rachel: Hand shaking.

Austin: Hand shake. I just love shaking her hand. There's something about it.

Rachel: It's a nice

Austin: Nice

Rachel: Hug

Austin: Nice hand hug.

Rachel: Intimate.

Austin: It's like a hand hug.

Rachel: Dude, are handshakes intimate?

Austin: Oh, of course they are. Well, again, it's good to see you all. It's good to see you, and one way that we kick off every single podcast episode is by doing appreciations. And so, I'm gonna kick us off. We just at the same time.

Rachel: We did.

Austin: Sometimes we finish each other's sandwiches.

Rachel: Sentences.

Austin: Oh, we're close. Anyways, Rachel, one thing I really, really do appreciate about you is your, coolness under pressure. It's one area you have grown in a ton since I've known you. Not that you were ever not good at it, but you've just gotten better and better and better at it, like prepping for this podcast today, where for some reason, 'cause we had to move all the cameras and the lights around in the studio, and so it took about 37 minutes of fine-tuning every tripod, every camera, every color of light, where the plants are, all the things. And it may not be perfect, but we got it to a place where we liked it and we started filming. And I just appreciate that sometimes I get a little OCD about that kinda thing and you're just really cool about it and just like, "Okay, babe. Cool. Okay. Yeah. Great. Okay. Yeah, we'll move that camera again. All right. We'll move that light again." And, and then sometimes when I try to be like, "All right.

It's good enough. Like, let's just go," you're like, "Well, actually, babe, there's this shadow on your face. We need to fix that." And so you keep me from sometimes, like, just shortcutting it, you know? So- I just appreciate you. I appreciate doing these types of tasks with you that most people would not love to do with their spouse. But I love doing it with you, so.

Rachel: Thank you. I receive that, and I appreciate the intricate detail you gave in your appreciation. I feel seen.

Austin: Mm. So seen.

Rachel: My my appreciation for you is regarding goat festivities. Thank you for supporting my farmhouse dreams, my homestead dreams and doing the things that I'm sure I could do. Yeah, I can roll up my sleeves and get stuff done. But as the man, it's very nice to have you step in and build things like a fence, like certain elements of the barn, tweaking things. Thank you for putting the camera out there.

Austin: Ooh, I'm gonna appreciate you for that in a second. Don't, don't steal it. I know you're already thinking about stealing it, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna do a second appreciation. Please continue.

Rachel: Okay. Thank you for putting the camera out there so I can see if any of my goats go into labor when I'm not out there, and for what I know you're gonna do this week. So I really appreciate all your effort to get everything ready.

Austin: Yeah, I got the goat midwife

Rachel: Despite all the freezing cold

Austin: On speed dial.

Rachel: It's me.

Austin: That's true. But did we inflate the little pool out in our barn to

Rachel: Oh, my word

Austin: So they could have a water birth?

Rachel: This is good.

Austin: Okay. So I have a sec thank you for your appreciation. I have a second appreciation of Rachel. So, during an ice storm we decided we're gonna put a camera inside the barn where the goats and the horse are. And I get all the way out there, and it's literally like there's ice everywhere. There's snow everywhere. It's terrible. We can barely get the gates open because there's so much snow. we could've got them open, but it, it was a lot. And I needed to install the solar panel, and, I couldn't quite reach it. And so I, first we tried Rachel getting on my back, but then we realized it was just gonna be easier for me to get on her. So Rachel

Rachel: Well, that's gracious of you, but

Austin: Got on her hands and knees, and I, with my full manly body weight, stood on her back long enough to screw in a solar panel on the top, on the front f fascia of the barn so that now we can watch our sweet little animals from inside the house or from anywhere. I could pull them up on my phone right now. So maybe I'll flash a screenshot of that for everyone. But, but I just appreciate it. That, I know that was, like, physically hard. You were like, "Oh." "I can do hard things. Oh, come on, babe. Hurry, hurry, hurry," and I'm like fumbling with the screws trying to screw it into the board. And you were like

Rachel: Are you done yet?

Austin: You were like, "I got this." And then I, like, jumped off your back, and you were like, "I am woman, hear me roar." And it was amazing. I just really, I, I just appreciate you because one thing that I always think about was when we were dating. And we were like out in the woods, like, remember when we were, like, jumping across those huge creeks? Where we're, like, legit hurt when you, like, hit the ground? I was like, man, like, I really love that she's adventurous and she's tough. And I love that when you're around me, a lot of times, you know

Rachel: I can be pathetic

Austin: You

Rachel: You know

Austin: You, sometimes you're a little pathetic, you know?

Rachel: Let you come on in, save the day.

Austin: Yeah, that's right. Like, you know, there's a spider, like, a mile from you, and you're in my arms, which is great. And then when I'm not home, you're, like, stabbing coyotes, you know, with a sword, which is cool. But I just always love I, I, I love your toughness, too. Like, I love that feminine mother toughness in you. And so I just got to, like, experience that when I was literally surfing on your back while, screwing in that solar panel. So long, long appreciations, but I think it's worth every word of this.

Rachel: Okay, but I got, I gotta share with the listeners a, pro tip.

Austin: Pro tip. What's the pro tip?

Rachel: So that was cold, and you were very heavy, which is great 'cause you're so strong and muscly. but yeah, I was f you know, making sure my abs were strong so that I didn't break my back, and all I could think the whole time was, "I am Sparta."

Austin: There you go. I love it. Yeah.

Rachel: I was like, "This is ridiculous," but, it's what got me

Austin: It worked

Rachel: It worked

Austin: It got you through it

Rachel: So you can use that on your next workout. Just

Austin: I think it's what got you through

Rachel: Pro-tip

Austin: A few labors too.

Rachel: Yeah, probably.

Austin: Yeah, so- The nurses were confused, but it was cute. So all right. Great appreciations. we've had some fun this week, and we are here in the Kansas City area, and so we just had like half an inch of ice and like eight inches of snow. So we've been kinda cooped up and a little wired, here in the house. Not really leaving a lot, but, it's been great. So let's get into today's topic, and the title of this episode is How Good Marriages Become Great Marriages. And so the thing that we're gonna talk about today, I'm excited to share because, in essence, it is a simple shift, and it requires, you know, leaning in. But it's a really simple shift, and I think that almost every piece of marriage drama that anyone's ever come to us over the many years we've done this could either be eliminated or like, like massively improved by just understanding this little shift. And since we are upon a new year, I think it's a great opportunity to use the ex not, not the excuse, but the, the event of the new year to just look at, what do we wanna change, what do we wanna carry into this new year.

And even though you and I are not so much like, "Hey, we're gonna wait till the new year to do something great," 'cause for us, if it's important, we start it that day. Right? We don't wait till January 1st to get healthy. You know, we get healthy today. But since we are at a new year, we want to just encourage couples to listen to what we're gonna talk about today and apply this as a just standard operating procedure, principle in their marriage day in and day out. And we work with a lot of couples that have really good marriages. You know? B here at The Conscious Christian Marriage, we have helped couples all over the spectrum, and, you know, couples come to us that maybe sometimes they're in a rough season, or maybe sometimes, you know, they've got a challenge they can't figure out that's unique to them. So we definitely help couples like that. But if someone comes our way and, you know, they're, one or both of them are not really trying in the marriage, they're pretty disconnected, we're gonna refer them to somewhere else because we love working with driven, high-performing, like really committed Christian couples.

And so we work with a lot of couples that they're in a good spot. They just wanna get even better. Okay? Or they've got a challenge that they just want to, they want to learn from, integrate, and then make their marriage better and better. So the name of the game for today's piece of advice is hopefully you're sitting there thinking, "We've got a good marriage, but yeah, how do we level it up? Like, how does a, a connected marriage become even better?" And really what that comes down to is ending withholding.

Rachel: Yeah. It's being more forthcoming and being honest, and I think a lot of couples probably think they're honest. But there's a lot of micro ways throughout the way, throughout the day that really good couples withhold, and a lot of times it's from like a good place, right? It's a s a story they may, might make up like, "Well, this is just serving him. Like, I'm not gonna bring this up to him. I'm just " You know? "Love covers over all wrongs," or, you know, "If I just suck this up, it's gonna be better for everybody," or, you know, "It's not that big of a deal." "I'm not gonna let I'm not gonna tell him," or, "I don't wanna inconvenience my husband," or, "I don't wanna cause drama." It's that kind of thing. But pro tip, if you're ever asking yourself, "Should I tell him this?" "Or should I tell her this?" The answer is always- And so that's what we're talking about is really being forthcoming with your spouse instead of withholding.

Austin: Yeah. And I think that it comes down to learning how to end withholding of any kind. You know? And we've seen a lot of couples be at a really, really great place and where there might not be any obvious conflict or learning opportunities like big things or things that are jumping out. But what helps them really build more intimacy, build more connection, the ability to actually communicate on an authentic level really comes down to am I being honest about how I feel, what I want what my desires are, what my experiences are, where I'm struggling, where I'm not struggling. And I think that the, the average person, like you said, has so many stories about why they should keep so many things to themselves. But we have found that a lot of couples have found how to get to a great place, but it's almost a false great place in some ways because there are so many things that have actually kinda clogged up the pipes that they haven't really even shared with each other about.

Most couples, they realize, like after they've worked with us, it's kinda opened their eyes to realizing that communication skills don't matter if I'm withholding.

Rachel: It's so true.

Austin: Connection skills don't matter if I'm withholding. Conflict resolution skills don't matter if I'm withholding. The five love languages that we try to give and receive from each other don't matter if we're withholding. And it's a more high-level concept to grasp, but it pays such dividends to understand if I'm withholding something from you but yet I'm trying to communicate with you, the communication's not real because- I'm not actually communicating the truth with you.

Rachel: Correct.

Austin: And if I'm not actually telling you exactly what I want honestly or how I'm feeling honestly then any type of emotional connection, you know, doesn't really feel real. You know? We've had couples say that to us like, "Well, we've tried to connect. We've tried to do this, and it doesn't feel, it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like it matches." Well, it doesn't match because it's, it's not true. And so even you, e even those listening today thinking, "Yeah, we do have a really great marriage," the way that you make it even better is to really ask yourself- How often do I really tell the whole truth? And it's not even just about telling the truth, it's about how often do I not withhold anything. You know? And because if I am withholding something, then I'm Everything that I'm communicating, doing, et cetera, moves through the lens of that knowing that it's going through this lens of, like, a half-truth. Or like, "I'm gonna say this to you while I know in my head there's 50 other things I haven't said to you."

"And so I'm gonna give you a version of it that more than likely you're gonna try to indirectly communicate through."

Rachel: Right. It's, it's sharing the whole truth of your experiences. So, like, "When you said that," or, "When you did that, I had this feeling come up, and I felt scared," or, "I felt sad," or, "The story I made up was, you know, this when you shared that." Or, "Hey, this thing happened earlier today, and I just wanted to let you know, 'cause it keeps coming up in my mind, and I just wanna be connected to you." You know, being able to communicate those things where I think sometimes, you know, like I've said, we make up stories, right? I think sometimes the feminine might make up the story of, "Well, I don't wanna be too much. I don't wanna overload him." You know, if he's coming home at the end of the day, and he has a lot on his mind, and he has a lot on his plate. And there are two ends of the spectrum, for sure, right? There's the, your husband comes home, and you're like, "Oh, I'm a mess.

Oh," this and this and this, and maybe a little bit more victim about it a little bit more drama and adrenaline. And then the other end is you don't say anything. You're withholding. You, you actually kinda had a rough day, and your husband figures it out anyway. Like you said, even when you're withholding, it comes out, whether it's consciously, intentionally or unconsciously in the form of your snippy attitude, the You know, you might even think, "Oh, everything's fine," but it comes out in just the mannerisms in which you move, speak, say, do. All of that. And so what we help couples do is find the middle where it's you're being intentional, you're being direct. And it's really a form of taking personal responsibility- 'cause you're saying, "This is my experience. This is where When this happened today with the kids, I felt this." You know? And that is not That creates connection with your husband. That's not like, "Babe, I'm, you know, so overwhelmed. I'm so frustrated."

"They did this to me." You know? It's, "Hey, yeah, so and so had a big old meltdown. I'm feeling insecure in my motherhood. It's been really discouraging." You know? And that is concise, clear. And then he Like, if I said that to you, you would have intel into me. And it's not me guilting you, blaming you, or playing the victim about my life, my wonderful life I've created.

Austin: Yeah. Yeah. Well, you said something really important that I wanna highlight again, and that's that if you don't I if you withhold, you're eventually going to say what you wanted to say. You're just gonna say it indirectly. It's actually almost impossible to truly withhold, okay? What we're talking about here is withholding the actual, like, full verbal disclosure. Okay? So a lot of people will try to withhold the full verbal disclosure. "Here's what I want. Here's what I don't want. Here's what I'm feeling. here's-" "my experience. Here is, et cetera, et cetera." And so they, they're not saying it that way, but then they're saying it other ways. You know, it's coming out in behavior. It's coming out in body language. You know, it's coming out in tone. It's coming out even in choices, right? So, like, even think about, you know, we talk a lot about the, the polarity of the masculine and the feminine, you know, to where the husband's like, "Hey, honey, do you wanna go on a date?"

And she's like, "No." Well, she probably does wanna go on a date, but she's saying no because she hasn't communicated something yet. You know, there's something she's held back, from, you know, sharing that she's upset about or that she's feeling a lot of tied up energy around. She hasn't shared that thing yet. And so it's even actually changing the decisions she makes that could actually end up being worse for her, right? So just like you can't put off feeling an emotion forever, you cannot withhold forever. No matter what, it's gonna leak. It's, it's going What's kind of in the darkness will always come to light one way, shape, or form, and it would be better if it's consciously done and not unconsciously done.

Rachel: I have a great example of this. We were just sharing our wins on our wives call, this Monday, and this woman per in particular shared a story about over Christmas. Her big win was in the past before she started learning conscious choices how to communicate and ask for what she wants, she would get really worked up and frustrated around leaving the house, all the holiday plans, things to do, and she felt herself feeling that way. And in the past, she would withhold that from her spouse and just kind of deal with it and try to control the situation and control her emotions. Well, she learned ask for what you want, communicate and be forthcoming. And so she said, "Babe, I'm feeling overwhelmed," so that's her sharing her experience with him, and then she went a step further and asked for what she wanted. She said, "I could really use your help with " And he was like, "Okay, what specifically?" And she gave him some tactical things.

They had a great conversation. He put the kids to bed. He packed certain things for them. And she said it was amazing. She's like, "Who knew I could just ask for what I want?" You know?

Austin: It's Y you know, it's, it's so funny. Like, one of the most powerful feminine shifts that can ever be made is, "Hey, will you help do this?" instead of, "Why aren't you doing blank?" Right? Because good men, when their wife asks something of them, they're generally gonna say, "As you wish." Okay? Is that what he says, right? "As you wish"? From Princess Bride.

Rachel: Farm boy.

Austin: Farm boy. Fetch me that

Rachel: Fetch me that pitcher

Austin: Pail, pail of water. Pitcher of water.

Rachel: Pitcher.

Austin: And,

Rachel: I'm gonna start calling you Farm Boy

Austin: Farm Boy. Well, sometimes I am a farm boy.

Rachel: You are my Farm Boy.

Austin: I know. I, I know it. Don't I know it? But yeah, that's a form of withholding, okay? And actually, that, that feeds- Your story feeds right into what I wanted to talk about next, which is what we call the withholding cycle. And that played out perfectly for her, right? And so when she withheld So there's, there's really three stages to the withholding cycle, and this is something that we've taught a lot of couples, and they've been able to solve a million different problems just by understanding this, is typically when we withhold, we will then withdraw. Okay? Because when you're close, it's difficult to not tell the truth, right? Because you're close. You can tell. Like, you can always tell when your spouse isn't telling the truth if you're close. If you're really distant from each other, then you can withhold or you can lie to each other.

Rachel: This is why a lot of couples avoid sex.

Austin: Yeah, why couples avoid sex, why they avoid looking each other in the eye very long. Why they avoid all kinds of things. But when you withhold, you then typically withdraw because you need a way to support the withdrawal. And then when you withdraw and you're not very close, then you start to either criticize or project. And you do that for two reasons. One, you project that it's their fault that you're not close because you you don't want to feel responsible for it. So it's like, "Well, it's your fault we're not close because you aren't telling me stuff," or, "You're doing this," or, "You're doing that. That's why I'm not close, and you better do something different before I'll get close again." Okay, that's, like, reason number one. Reason, thing number two that they do is they'll be critical because they need to justify internally why they're withholding. Okay? And that could be something like they couldn't handle this. They couldn't hear this.

Rachel: If I told them, they wouldn't love me.

Austin: Yeah. If

Rachel: They would react poorly.

Austin: Yeah. Or, yeah

Rachel: It would cost

Austin: They would hate themselves if I told them this or, yeah. So we find ourselves sometimes withholding, withdrawing, and then projecting or criticizing. And so even with your story, you know, she was withholding before she handled it the right way. She was withholding what she actually wanted, so then she would typically be critical. Well, the masculine doesn't wanna be criticized because it's inherently disempowering. When the feminine asks the masculine, makes formal requests, what she's saying is like, "Hey, I know you can do this. I'm confident you can do this. I know you'll do it because you love me." "Here's the thing that I need you to do for me." Like, "My man." And then he's like, "Yeah." Like, "I'll do it." Like, "I'm your man." You know, versus like, "Oh, why aren't you doing blank?" It's like, oh, okay, the story could be you don't appreciate me, don't love me, don't respect me. So it's gonna be 10 times harder for him to then do that thing.

Rachel: Demotivating, for sure.

Austin: Yes, very, very demotivating. Okay. But if instead she makes that request, then he's typically gonna honor it. But see, before she was maybe criticizing him not getting what she wanted, so then she would withdraw, okay, and then start to blame him. "Well, he doesn't wanna be helpful. He doesn't wanna do things for me. He doesn't wanna this or that," and that justifies the distance. It justifies the withholding. And so if we do the opposite of that, then we typically get what we want, which is instead of withholding, being forthcoming, you know? And it's interesting. This is another kinda like more advanced thought on this that we may not unpack today, but a lot of couples don't know how to create intimacy, so then they actually just don't try. Like, a lot of couples don't know how a really connected, intimate relationship works 'cause they were never modeled one. They actually don't really know what that looks like, so then instead of even trying, they just withhold, you know?

And so more than likely earlier in the marriage, they did try a couple things, and it didn't work. Like, they tried to be intimate. They tried to be emotionally transparent. They tried to be really connected. It didn't really quite work, so then they're like, "Okay, like, I'm gonna learn how to be a good enough spouse without ever risking rocking the boat." But generally, the things that our spouse wants the most from us could rock the boat. Okay, like, they want, like, real love. They want intensity. They want authenticity, you know? They want all those things. But most people don't know how to create that, so then they just do nothing. Okay? And so they withhold all kinds of stuff. Like, most people don't know how to make a formal request about something, like let's, let's just say sexually, for example. Like, how many countless, you know, couples have we talked to, especially women, who don't know how to ask their spouse for exactly what they need in sex so then they just never say it?

Like, they don't know how to frame a request in a way that they won't disempower or upset their spouse, and a lot of men don't know how to hear it without being insecure okay, about their, about sex. And so it's just an example of when we don't know how to create intimacy, we typically will just kinda step back. We won't even say it. Because when we were younger, a lot of times when we made a request to our parents of our needs of some kind it ended up just being met with either resistance, opposition, or even shame. You know? And so it's like, oh, like, don't wanna upset Mom and Dad, don't wanna upset primary relationship. Get married, spouse becomes my primary relationship, so then I use my old strategy of don't wanna upset them so I'm not gonna rock the boat. But then what happens because of that, that kind of mutual withholding, you can never be close. That's when the withdrawing begins, and then that's where your connection is way more about the kind of bickering at each other than it is about curiosity with each other.

You know?

Rachel: And if you're listening and you can relate to this, like again, like I said in the very beginning, this, it's something that comes from a good intention. Like, you are not bad. You guys aren't, you know, terrible people. It's this is the habit we get into, like you said because it's our brain wants to keep us safe. And so you experienced something in life where you learned that's painful, don't wanna do that again, so I'm going to keep myself safe and hopefully, like, keep them happy. And so that's the way you've known. That's the old way. And so honor and love yourself for doing what you thought was best with the information that you had so far. But now we're teaching you a new way. And there's so much freedom over here. There's so much intimacy. There's so much love. I think in my appreciations earlier I said I feel seen. You know, imagine- Sharing openly and honestly and being seen and still loved, that is, that is powerful.

And I think, I just wanna encourage you that your spouse, like as you, if you guys do make an agreement to not withhold, to end withholding in your marriage, I think you'd be surprised how And, most couples are surprised how well their spouse receives and how much fireworks. How much intimacy it creates. 'Cause literally, when I think back on some of the scariest things that were like, "Oh, man, I forgot about this one thing. I've never shared this with him from my past. Like, I'm gonna tell it," and then I did, and I was met with love, and it was this like crazy connection that we had, and it did create sparks in the bedroom as well. When we are more intimacy, it When we are more intimate, it creates more intimacy.

Austin: Yeah, when we're more emotionally transparent

Rachel: Yeah. The

Austin: We create more sexual intimacy.

Rachel: Yeah. One phrase we have around CCM is honesty is the best aphrodisiac.

Austin: Yeah. Well, I think that for a lot of couples, when they understand that, the micro withholding actually leads to significant effects they just take it more seriously. And sometimes just being kind of on an island alone, like without a community of people or without guides to guide you through it, it is really easy to fool yourself into thinking that you are being transparent about everything. But 99% of the time, when we, when either a new couple is working, you know, like in our program with us, or they, we're working with them one-on-one, where they're like, "Oh, yeah, my spouse knows everything, and I, I share with them openly about how I feel about everything." And then 15 seconds later, you know, it's like, "Oh, well, you know, I haven't really shared that because I don't wanna upset them." And it's like, you know- Master Shifu, right? One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it. I'm pretty sure he's, he's totally quoting some stoic philosopher in that, but 'cause, you know, Master Shifu is real.

But, you know, that quote's really true. You know, a lot of people, they will upset their spouse the very most avoiding upsetting them.

Rachel: Yes. Yes, I've learned that one.

Austin: That's been a Rachel specialty.

Rachel: Yes, that is the Rachel specialty, oh, Rachel specialty. I've definitely learned and grown from because, just based on my upbringing, I was deathly scared of being in trouble, and so brought that into our marriage. Didn't want to upset you. And, you know, being married, transference of primary caregiver, oh, my word, I see everything through the lens of how it was in my childhood, and that really affected our early years of marriage where- I would withhold a lot, and I would get really

Austin: I mean, I was perfect, but yeah

Rachel: Yeah, right. I would get really stirred up about something, but I wouldn't wanna tell you because I just didn't want to cause a rift. And I and I almost equated, like, you being upset with me to, like, death. Like, that's what my nervous system, anyway, felt like. You know, it's like I would rather die than feel this pain of you being upset with me 'cause it reminded me of the worst pain of my childhood.

Austin: Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so I, I love when couples connect those dots of like, "Oh," like, "Okay, here's what I do. I don't be forthcoming, so I'm withholding. So then my, all of my unconscious, all of my non-verbal behavior sends one message but then my mouth is sending a different message. And then my spouse is confused. And we, we call this in the psychology world, matching. It doesn't match. So it's like, okay, you're looking at me. You just said this one thing, but everything else is telling me there's something else. And that feels really, painful for most people. It feels very dishonoring because you know that there there's, there's a level like It's like, hey, like, if you truly love me, then you could level with me and be honest with me. And so I love when couples connect these dots of like, oh, like, I'm trying to mitigate pain by helping them avoid something that might be painful, but in doing that, I'm actually betraying their trust, and I'm actually causing them and inflicting more pain than if I was just honest from the beginning.

You know, and a lot of couples who don't have a really, really solid marriage, like, the thought of telling the truth about this stuff is incredibly painful, you know? And even as you go up the scale, you know, even if you have If you're listening today and you've got a good marriage or a great marriage, it still probably feels painful to think like, "Oh, okay, yeah, I probably, I probably do need to kinda clear the pipes about some stuff." It might feel really really painful to do that. But it's always less painful than months or years of drifting and not connecting well in the marriage. You know? And what's even more sad is looking back in the future and being like, "Why didn't you just be honest about that years ago so that all this time we could be just in flow and enjoying our life together?" I think this is really, really powerful discussion, and it really leads us to a simple action item that I think we could give everyone today, and that is just to make an agreement that you will end withholding.

Now, we have a lot of deep training because ending withholding is a process, for sure. We actually have, like, a four-step process we use to end it, and, we'll talk a little bit about more of that maybe on another episode. But I think step one is just making an agreement that says, "Hey, we're not gonna withhold anymore." And it's making an agreement that says, "If you tell me the truth, I'm going to receive it with love and with honor." And it might be painful, it might be difficult, and we might have to have, we might get to have lots of

Rachel: Subsequent

Austin: Subsequent conversations about it, but I will be a safe place for you to tell the truth. So for those listening today, our big action item for you is make an agreement to end withholding, okay? Make an agreement to end withholding, and make an agreement that you will be a safe, honoring place when your spouse needs to share something that's difficult for them. Okay? And maybe, like, another subpoint to that agreement is that you will end withholding about everything, even the little things.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that leads us to our nonprofit shout-out today, which is Operation Underground Railroad. We support them. We hope that you'll join us. They are on a mission to eradicate human trafficking around the world. we just encourage you to go, drop five bucks drop 5,000, five million. Whatever you're feeling like today join us in supporting Operation Underground Railroad. Your money goes to really incredible purpose.

Austin: Yeah. And their website is ourrescue.org. And they might have been the very first nonprofit shout-out we have ever done here on the podcast.

Rachel: We might have.

Austin: They might have been episode number one. So, last thing that we wanna tell you guys about is if this topic was interesting to you today, we have actually been behind the scenes developing an assessment tool, and this assessment tool is going to help you understand, four different areas of your marriage that really begin with understanding if you're withholding and how that could be impacting your marriage. Okay? Because there's four areas of your marriage that if these four areas of your marriage are being nurtured and being taken care of, it's almost impossible to have drama in your marriage. I mean, literally. It's This is something we've been working on over the many, many years that we've been doing this, and we have it in the form of an assessment tool, okay? So be watching over the next few episodes. We're gonna be talking about and releasing this really powerful intimacy assessment tool that's gonna just help you understand where you're at and will definitely help shed some light to some areas in your marriage that'll help you end withholding, create more intimacy, better connection, help you create more things together in your marriage, and all sorts of other things.

So be watching for that.

Rachel: Yes, and thank you for tuning in today. Like, subscribe. Wherever you're at, give us a rating. We appreciate you, and we would encourage you, if this episode had any positive impact on your life, please share it because we know that there are many other incredible couples like yourself that would be really blessed to hear this. So share our content, share our podcast, our YouTube. We'd love for you to do that.

Austin: Yep. Thanks, guys. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We love you all, and we'll see you on the next one.