The 3 Keys to Becoming an Irresistible Husband

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Austin: If you're a husband watching this episode and your marriage is anything less than what you want it to be, well then there's good news and bad news. The bad news is let's just assume that you're the problem. The good news is you get to step up and lead your marriage into the exact place that God is calling you to lead it to be.

Rachel: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast, where we help Christian leaders create high-impact, thriving marriages. We're your hosts, Rachel and Austin Holt, and we are so glad you're tuning in today.

Austin: Yes, we are. And welcome, welcome, welcome. today's topic is actually going to be probably one of the best episodes ever. I'm just gonna say it right now. this episode will be very helpful, especially to all of you husbands out there, but it will also be very helpful to you wives. Because I think it'll help wives maybe articulate something that I think sometimes wives have a hard time articulating. And this episode is kind of predicated by really a lot of questions we get, a lot of emails we get, feedback we get from couples. also based on how we've helped a lot of couples. But a lot of couples are kind of asking questions that really go right around what this topic is that we're gonna talk about today. But today's topic is the three keys to helping a husband become an irresistible husband. So again, if you're a husband tuning in today, Rachel is actually gonna provide some incredible insights on how a husband can become irresistible.

And ladies, if you're listening to this episode today, this episode just might be the key to helping you maybe articulate what you've been feeling in here or what you've been thinking in here to your husband maybe for the very first time. So I'm excited.

Rachel: Yeah, the three keys to becoming an irresistible husband.

Austin: And Rachel, it's great to see you today here on the podcast.

Rachel: We gotta get the handshake in.

Austin: Just gotta get the handshake in. That's right. So, if you have watched our podcast before, you know something that's very important to us is appreciations. And so Rachel and I always take a moment to appreciate each other, right here live, totally unrehearsed on the episode. And I encourage anyone who's listening to this episode, maybe after you listen to this, just pause the episode and appreciate your spouse if you're together, or pause the episode, text your spouse an appreciation, voice text them an appreciation, give them a call. Just appreciate them real quick, because there's just nothing more powerful than just knowing that your spouse is thinking about you, appreciates you, sees value in you, and, is just, yeah, thinking to do something like that for you. So Rachel, what do you appreciate about me today?

Rachel: Well, I'm probably gonna be appreciating you about a lo well, I know I'm gonna be appreciating you about a lot of things today, because I'm going to be sharing about how irresistible you are.

Austin: Ooh, booyah.

Rachel: But I really appreciate your investment in me and our family through investing in me and believing in me. And just the ways that I know you know you have in the last couple weeks, thank you for being vulnerable with me and, yeah, trusting me with your heart and believing in me as the feminine to fill my feminine roles.

Austin: Yes. I love that.

Rachel: Appreciate that.

Austin: Yeah. Well, thank you. Yes. Man, there's so many things I could appreciate you for. I just really, really appreciate how you've been showing up lately. I mean, I, I really appreciate how you show up all the time, but I've just, I think over this last few weeks, I've just, really seen you just be incredibly present with the kids and just really, really thoughtful. Like, you're always thoughtful, but there's just been a lot of just small moments I've just really been able to slow down and witness lately. just especially in the small ways, like, when you get me coffee in the mornings, you know. It's just such a simple thing, but it's just something that means the world to me, and it's something you've done for me for a long time, you know? And but it's just the, the thoughtfulness of the little things, you know, the coffee, the, the way that you prepare our favorite things we like to eat or snack on, you know.

Like, we have our super healthy high-protein Jell-O, which I know sounds crazy to anyone listening, but yes, we have this really high protein, delicious Jell-O that has no sugar in it that we love to eat, and so do our kids.

Rachel: No sweetener either.

Austin: No, no sweetener. Yeah.

Rachel: Just straight up gelatin.

Austin: And just, you know, the way that you are just thoughtful. So I guess to summarize that, I just appreciate your thoughtfulness, because for you to be thoughtful, that requires that you're thinking about me, and it means a lot to me that you're thinking about me in the midst of everything else you have to do between work and mom life and your spiritual life, and just all the different things that you have on your plate and on your radar that you slow down to think of me. So appreciate you for that.

Rachel: Thank you.

Austin: So all right. You ready for kind of being interviewed a little bit today? It's kind of like a coffee

Rachel: Shoot

Austin: With Rachel kinda, sorta.

Rachel: Yes. we do wanna say to the listener, stay till the end because we're going to be sharing three, three of these keys. But then we're giving you three action steps you can take on these three keys specifically. 'Cause we're gonna share a lot of things, but it really helps to boil it down to like, "Hey, look, here are some things you can apply today."

Austin: Very simple. Yeah. Yeah. So be sure you're here till the end of the episode, 'cause our goal is that by the end of this episode today, you've learned something really actionable so that you can actually walk away from this and, make a difference in your marriage, whether you're the husband listening today or the wife. but primarily for you husbands today, we're, we're really gonna lay it out, okay? And this is not just Rachel's perspective. It's not just her experience. Rachel works with a lot of wives and works with a lot of married couples. And so And this is not just our anecdotal experience, you know, or study. this is also something that's pulled from many, many, many, many validated, you know, sources. So if you're a husband listening today thinking, "All right, I, I'd like some, I'd like to know the keys. I'd like to know some action items on how I can just be irresistible as a husband," you're gonna get those things today.

And wives, we wanna help you articulate this, and maybe the way you articulate it is you just forward this episode to your husband and say, "Hey, check this out." You know, just for fun. No, no reason. No. So all right, Rachel, today we're gonna talk about the three keys to becoming an irresistible husband, and this is essentially what a wife wants from her husband to just be irresistible. And I think that- I, I would hope that anyone listening today, you've got a husband and a wife, and the wife loves her husband, husband loves her wife, right? There's a, there's a mutual love already happening. We want to help take that mutual love and that level of love, that level of intimacy, level of just reward and satisfaction found in the marriage and just increase it. Right? So when we talk about becoming an irresistible husband, I can speak from the masculine and on behalf of, of a lot of husbands and say that it's deeply rewarding, deeply satisfying to know that your wife finds you irresistible.

Okay? Like, when you make comments to me or you say things or do things, just A a when I know that how I'm showing up for you makes it just, makes me irresistible to you, it's, it really makes me feel like I'm hitting the mark as a husband, you know? And I know that if I'm honoring God and if I'm honoring you from a biblical perspective, from a love, respect, honor perspective, all those things, like, I know that I'm doing that, but I love feeling like I'm doing that. And there's nothing better than getting instant feedback, and I can always tell when you're finding me irresistible. Okay? Kinda like this new, little beard I'm growing. You know, I just You just haven't been able to keep your hands off me lately, so it's working.

Rachel: Oh my word.

Austin: Time will tell. So I just, I wanna set the stage here today so that, you know, people understand whether you've been married a week, a month, a year, 10, 50 years. What we're gonna share with you today has helped couples in all those different places. And maybe you're not even married yet, okay? And if you're not and you're listening today, kudos that you're gaining this intel and these types of strategies even before you're being married. But Rachel, you know, when we talked about this before, you were able to kind of boil it down into sort of three, three keys. So what are these three keys? Let's dive into them. Let's talk about them. Maybe share some examples and have some fun.

Rachel: All right. The three keys are leadership, presence, and empathy.

Austin: Leadership.

Rachel: Leadership.

Austin: Presence.

Rachel: Presence and empathy. So of course, there are many wonderful things that you can pour into your marriage, many great qualities that we could be talking about today, but we chose these as three of the most important, the most impactful, that if you, listener, wanted to apply today that you could really start seeing results. And how you show up differently for your wife will affect how she then feels towards you, how her heart posture is towards you. And so the first one is leadership. And what I wanna say first off is that the feminine So we talk about masculine and feminine a lot. The female, generally the feminine wants to be led. And so when you are leading, like, this is not a bad thing. Sometimes this has gotten a little skewed in our current culture, where the roles are a little bit different. a lot of those lines are blurred.

Austin: Just with things like work and who's watching the kids and

Rachel: Yeah. And it can be really easy for the female to step more into the masculine and the masculine to step more into the feminine which I think we've talked about here, and we can talk more in a different episode. But really deep at her core whether she stepped into the masculine or not the feminine wants to be in her feminine, and she wants to be led by the masculine. She wants to be led. And so your leadership, the way that you show up in so many areas is really, is like, ooh, yeah, I like that. So one of those would be how you take radical responsibility. We teach this for both of us. I practice radical responsibility, but you as the masculine leading our marriage you know, it's like the buck stops with you.

Austin: It actually stops with me. Okay? A lot of people say the buck stops with them, and they don't actually mean it. I actually mean it. And, and, and actually, and I wanna back up just a hair. I made a comment in the beginning of this video like, "Hey, guys, good news, bad news." You know, the bad news is, guys, you know, if your marriage isn't where you want it to be, just assume that you're, you're the problem. The good news is that means that you can step up your leadership. This is what we're talking about, okay? And so I truly believe, and I don't wanna share time today, I want this to r really to be you, but I truly believe that the direction of our leadership is 100% my responsibility. Now, you claim- 100% responsibility for how you contribute to that and how you create with me. But I believe God has called me to be the head of our marriage, which means at the end of the day, if you and I aren't on the same page and a decision has to be made, I'll generally make the decision.

But I know that I'm responsible for what happens next. And I, I believe that if our marriage is not winning at the highest level, it is 100% my responsibility. And I could say fault, and if fault helps land the point with a listener here today better than hear it as the word fault. But if I'm not claiming 100% responsibility for the state of our marriage, I can't blame you for that because I'm the leader. Like, if I get to claim the title leader, and it's not even about me claiming it, it's about God has assigned it to me to be the leader of our marriage, then if our marriage isn't going in the right direction, I'm not gonna wait on you to lead it because that's not what the feminine does. The feminine is led by the masculine. Now, when the feminine's not feeling led, the feminine will step into masculine to survive.

Rachel: That's what I was gonna say.

Austin: Yeah. And that's

Rachel: She'll step up.

Austin: She'll step up because women are survivors. Okay? Women are survivors way more than men, okay? and so even though men are warriors, women are survivors, okay? And so I just want all the men out there to understand with as much humility as possible, like, I'm calling the men here out and up into a better place of leadership. Like, if your marriage is not where you want it to be, okay, then you step up. You lead better. You rise up. You take 100% responsibility and you lead your marriage. And that might mean that you have to lead well for a while before your wife re-surrenders or kinda resubmits to your leadership. And that might be the price you pay for not having led well for a while. And we've helped a lot of men navigate that.

Rachel: At first.

Austin: Okay. I, I, I just wanted to, I just wanted to make sure that was super clear. Men, if your marriage isn't where you want it to be- It's probably because of you. Because you probably haven't led the way God has wanted you to lead. So the good news is you get to change that, and you get to step up your leadership, step back into integrity, lead your wife really, really well, and then watch how she will respond to your leadership.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. And it's not always at first. I like that you said that because she might go kicking and screaming at first because she may be comfortable to wearing the pants or taking taking the lead on certain things. And we're not saying the woman doesn't have a voice. Right. Like

Austin: Not at all

Rachel: Don't swing the pendulum because we're talking about these roles. This is actually a really beautiful thing for the wife to be submitting to the husband because she wants to lead, and it's not that she's inferior it's that that is her role. That she gets to support. That she gets to, encourage. And when the wife views it as that, I know for me, when I shifted that, when I, when I viewed it as, "Oh, like, this is not, this is not meaning I'm inferior. It means I'm living up to what God has for me." And actually, that's where I thrive.

Austin: It's empowering.

Rachel: Yeah. I'm em yeah. I'm supporting you, I'm encouraging you, and that is where I thrive. And that's where you thrive, which then helps you lead me well, and then I s you know, support you and encourage you. And so however you wanna use the words, it could be a little bit different. But I wanna encourage the men that at first, like, you might try it and don't give up. Like, you need to lean in and lead and kinda undo some years of maybe being passive, you know? Letting, just avoiding conflict just to appease, but that's not really what she wants in the long run. She wants you to say, "Listen, this is what we're doing." Like

Austin: Even, even if it might upset her. The feminine wants to be led. And you know, we believe that marriage cannot be 50/50. That just does not work. Okay? The only way marriage works is 100/100, okay? And even in the model of 100/100, like, I believe I'm showing up 100%, you're gonna show up 100%, and you're gonna show up 100% whether I show up 100% or not, and vice versa. But at the end of the day, I, if I'm showing up 100 and you're showing up 100 and our marriage isn't going where it's supposed to be going, I know that I'm at fault. I know that I'm going to There's a difference between taking or receiving responsibility and claiming responsibility. Like, men, if you wanna be a really powerful man, if you wanna be a truly Christ-centered man who can really lead his wife, learn to claim responsibility instead of accept responsibility. That's different. Claiming means, "Well, of course I'll take all the responsibility I can.

I'll take the maximum amount of responsibility because then I have the maximum amount of impact and influence and authority to lead my marriage back to a great place." 'Cause I get way too many emails, phone calls, messages from men wondering why their, you know, wife won't be led by them or why their wife won't, wife, they won't do this, they won't do that. And I'm like, "Well, how are you leading?" You know? Like, would you follow you? Like would you be led by you?

Rachel: That's another, that's another thing I wanted to say is integrity. Like, when you are leading in integrity, like you say what you're You do what you're gonna say. I'm sorry. When you do what you said you were gonna do and when you show up with the values, like doing the things that align with the values that you say you have that is super sexy to me. I'm like, "Oh, he says health is important to him." "He's working out." "He says health is important to him. He's eating this way." And that's one thing that I wanna give an example of is, you know, you leading really well in our health. You know, we have different seasons that we go through, ebb and flows of different things where maybe I might be interested in certain things more than you, or, or like when we did this parasite cleanse, like I started it, but then you started it after me. It's not like you're always like, "Oh, this is my idea we're doing."

You know? Like I have value in

Austin: You bring a ton of amazing ideas

Rachel: To do healthy things before you.

Austin: Yeah. You bring a f a ton of amazing ideas to the table.

Rachel: Yeah. But when you are like, "Hey, we're gonna do this. Hey, I wanna do this with you. Hey, let's do meal prep. Hey, let's do this," there's something different about it than when it's my idea and I'm doing it. I just like it. I wanna do it when it's your idea and we're doing it together versus, like, I'm kind of pioneering or wanting to do something and, like, hoping you'll do it with me. When you lead an idea, I love it. And

Austin: Does it make me irresistible?

Rachel: It makes you irresistible.

Austin: Yeah. Good. Well, and, and we'll say this, and we're, we're not afraid to make this claim 'cause we've worked with a lot of couples. The healthiest, strongest couples that we've ever seen, and, and b and by strong, healthy couple, I mean really deeply, happily D really deeply happy female, really deeply happy male is when the man is in his masculine and the female is in her feminine. And yes, there are times and seasons where, you know, the masculine may have to be, have certain feminine tendencies for certain things and vice versa, but predominantly, mainly, most of the time is a strong, healthy, masculine male and a strong, healthy, feminine female, okay? When w when those two come together, you know, unified by Christ, that is the recipe that we have seen create the best marriages we've ever known.

Rachel: Yeah. I think sometimes we have to even study what it Like, for us ladies in this current culture, it's like, well, what is femininity? And how do I do that? Because it's pretty muddled, and the current, the more political movement of be a feminist is actually like, "Be a man. Think for yourself. Be independent," and that's not what femininity is. So it's actually disempowering women to be who God created them to be, to be feminine. It's like, "No, be like a man. You don't need a man." And really being the feminine is the total opposite of that. So I think there's a little bit of learning that can happen. And so give yourself grace. give your wife grace for when she has stepped into her masculine. But again, like Austin said

Austin: Because she probably, she probably had to step into her masculine because you weren't being masculine. And women are survivors. So men, if you're not leading your families well, your wife will step up and lead better. She'll lead better than you if it means surviving, surviving with the kids, seeing the family move forward. So like husbands, if you're ever frustrated that your wife might be leading more or not coming to you for ideas or not trusting your leadership, it's probably 'cause you gave her no choice. And again, women just typically don't roll over and die. They just don't. Like, you know, look at the homeless population. What percentage of the homeless population are men versus women? It's a lot more men than women. Women are survivors. They will do what it takes to survive. You know? And so, again, true leadership is what the feminine wants, like Rachel's saying here. So what about spiritual leadership, emotional leadership, even financial leadership?

Rachel: Yeah, I was gonna say those are other sub points of leading. When you lead spiritually, that makes you irresistible. Man, when I, when you initiate prayer, when you initiate, like, time with our children leading them spiritually, it's like I know I'm a nurturer. In my feminine, I'm nurturing their souls as well so I do some of that. But I love when you initiate spiritual leadership in our home, like reading the word, worshiping God, like at the end of the day praying together as a family. Those moments are, yeah, you're leading, and it's, it's really sexy.

Austin: Hmm. Good. I'm glad to hear that.

Rachel: And then your emotional leadership, you being willing to have tough conversations, for you being vulnerable and opening up. It's like I think a lot of men have this view of maybe a false masculinity where not being emotional, not sharing your feelings, not, you know, being in tune with that means, like, you're masculine. But for you, showing up for me and being intentional to ask me how I'm doing you being intentional to share where you're at, I want that. Like, I wanna know where you're at so that I can support you. And, of course, I love you knowing where I'm at.

Austin: You love our daily check-ins.

Rachel: Which is another point farther down the line.

Austin: Yeah. So key number one, leadership. If a man wants to become an irresistible husband, his wife wants him to lead. Got it?

Rachel: All right. Key number two

Austin: Key number two

Rachel: Is presence. When you are present with me, when you're present with the kids, when you're present in our lives in general, I feel so loved, and that helps me come alive, which I then see you as irresistible. But when you are present, like

Austin: And, and when you mean present, like help people understand. When we're teaching other couples what presence looks like, what does presence look like?

Rachel: I'm referring to both present in our lives like

Austin: Like just

Rachel: You are available

Austin: Being yeah. Uh-huh.

Rachel: I could call you at any moment, and I know you would be there. But, in time. So you do not schedule your life away to where you're so busy you don't have time for us. But then you have arranged your life in a way to where when you are physically present with us your phone is away. Your body posture is, "I'm glad to be here. I'm facing towards you." And you have eye contact. You're engaging. You're listening. You're interacting. You are present. And that is a really, that's a gift that we can give anyone. You know, they say presence is a present. Like, it's a gift. But it is really true. And anyone listening, that's a gift that you can give every single where. Every everywhere you go to every single person

Austin: It's a free gift

Rachel: You encounter is your presence. Even when you're checking out at the checkout, like, looking people in the eye, really being present with them, that's actually a gift that you get as well as giving. So I feel very loved and seen by you when you're present. And even just present with our kids, like present with me, yes, but present with our kids in the sense that you're just with them and, you know, asking them about their day, talking with them, giggling with them, like even just s do something together. Playing a game or going outside on a walk.

Austin: Well, and, and for the, especially the, the men who are listening, when I'm in my I, I have to, I get to, I choose to, remind myself to be present means to be in the present moment and in the timeline of time. So when I'm really present, my goal is that I'm not dwelling on yesterday, and I'm not living in the future. So just as kinda like a little peek into my mind, and, and this isn't something that I naturally do because, like, I'm a visionary. Like, I'm, I'm- I'm thinking about, like, hey, like, what are we building tomorrow? What are we doing tomorrow? How am I leading my family tomorrow? Like, what's, what's coming? And I have to, I get to, I choose to consciously remind myself, Austin, when you're being present with your wife and with your kids, it means that you're not dwelling on yesterday, and you're not living in tomorrow, that you're living in this moment on this day in time so that when you're occupying, so that when you're occupying this space Okay.

Hold on. So c hold on. Here, here, here, here.

Rachel: Okay. Sh, sh.

Austin: Hold on. So when you're occupying this moment in time with your family, you're fully in the present with them. A part of you, a foot is not in the past, and a foot's not in the future, that your whole presence is with them right now. That's just something I, I remind myself of often because it's easy for me to be dwelling on yesterday or to be worried about tomorrow.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I love when you are emotionally present, spiritually present, when you're just looking me in the eye. I mean, there's nothing better than our end-of-the-day check-in. I just love it so much.

Austin: I know you do.

Rachel: W

Austin: It's in our calendar. Yeah.

Rachel: We eat it up.

Austin: On repeat every day. Yep.

Rachel: We eat it up. That's what makes you irresistible.

Austin: Ooh.

Rachel: And that'll be part of We'll give you the tool at the very end of the episode. But when you're just looking me in the eye, and you're like, "So Rachel how was your day? What are you feeling? Share with me," I, yeah, you're just so present with me. It's, I'm the most important person to you. In that moment, I feel so seen and loved. And it's how you show me that every single day and I love it. So thank you for that.

Austin: I'm glad. Okay, so key number one, leadership. Key number two, presence. For me being irresistible lead well, be very present with you. Okay, what's the third key?

Rachel: Empathy.

Austin: Ooh.

Rachel: And this is something, mm, ladies just want it so bad. Guys, listen really closely because so many women are like, "I just don't wanna feel like I'm crazy." "I just want to know that he understands." "I just " I mean, really, it's like, "I just wanna know that he, he doesn't think I'm crazy." "And that my emotions aren't too much or too big." And so when you can give empathy to your wife, it is such a gift that blesses her and helps her to feel so seen and loved, which in turn makes you eye candy. So I love when you pay so much attention to me that I feel seen, heard, and understood. For you to be able to listen to me and actually repeat back what I said which you do, helps me to know, oh, he not only was listening, he was looking at me with his face and his eyes. But he listened so well, he can actually say it back to me.

And there's a difference between saying it back through your filter of what you want it to be versus literally repeating word for word what she said. And this is actually a skill. It's a skill.

Austin: Yeah, it is a skill.

Rachel: Because you'd be surprised how often, you know, it's not done well. It's like, "Here's what I'm wanting you to say."

Austin: Yeah, h yeah. "Here's how I'm, here's, here's how I'm, here's how I'm hearing it."

Rachel: "Here's how I'm interpreting this for what's best for me through my lens." And so practice this, guys. Practice when your wife says something, say, "Okay, so I heard you say," and then repeat it back. Like, "Okay, so let me get this right." Repeat it back. Repeat back to her what she said, and she'll know that you, you heard her. And that alone is amazing. That's a gift that you can give your wife.

Austin: Yeah. Well, I know that empathy is important to you because, you know, I, I know there's been a lot of times where you just want to know that I can see the effect that I have on you. You know, I mean, and we teach, you know, in the realm of kinda the self-mastery, life coach-y type world, you know, like, we wanna be people that are resilient. We wanna be 100% reliant on God. You know, we don't want to be at the whim or mercy of anyone or anything to feel any way we wanna feel or be any way we wanna be. But in a really connected marriage, we do this thing called accepting influence, okay? If you look at, you know, even schools of thought like Gottman, you know, or other, other marriage schools, they, they teach this concept of you, you begin to, kinda submit to and share influence on each other. You are creating a container together. You're creating a relationship together. You know, and so you allow your spouse, to have an effect on you, and that's really how you create deep intimacy together.

You know, and so I know that based on how I'm speaking to you and based on how I'm interacting with you, I know it's going to affect how you feel. You know, and so I want to be conscious of my effect on you so that, like, you know, if I said I was gonna get home at a certain time and I got home a few minutes late, and I can tell that maybe you're a little frustrated, I want to be I wanna come right out and say, like, "Hey, I realize I got here a few minutes late." "And that's on me, and you might be frustrated right now, okay? and so, I want to know how to support, repair, you know, make that up to you, so that you know how much I love you and yeah, you know, et cetera." And so being able to take responsibility and have enough empathy to see, like, oh, okay, she probably feels frustrated right now, or she might feel sad right now or she might feel tired right now.

And just to be able to see into that. And, and that's something that also did not come naturally to me. You know, it's something I've had to learn over time to get really, you know, good at. To be able to be present with you so that I can then be empathetic for you.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I really appreciate that, and that's really blessed me. And the other aspect of presence that I wanna note, which we all may or may not already know this, but listening to understand. Listening for the sake of listening to her, for her to be able to just flush it out. Sometimes us feminine need to just hololola flush it out, say the thing, get it out, and that might actually be all we need. But so if you can view it as that's how you fix, you fix by listening but not listening to fix. After she's all done, you could ask, "How can I support you in that?" And then she might actually have the best solution. But you as the masculine can also lead if there's something that's clearly, you know, I appreciate when you you do help me solve a lot of problems, and your fix-it nature is a gift that is something that I defer to a lot because it blesses me.

However, listening to understand, listening for the sake of listening, for nurturing my heart and our connection it blesses the feminine a lot, blesses me. So yeah, it's a turn-on for sure.

Austin: Good. All right. Good. Okay, so empathy. So leadership, presence, empathy. Those are the three keys that make a husband irresistible. Any anything else you wanna add on that?

Rachel: Yeah, and so for those of you wanting to understand really what empathy is, it's the ability to understand how they would feel or relate to how your spouse would feel being them in their shoes. Not, "Oh, I can see how it'd be to be in your shoes." It's, no, "I can see how it would feel to be you in your shoes." So for me, you know, if I'm just saying it's for me, when I think of how it is to be not just in your shoes, but you in your shoes, I, it takes on a whole new level of understanding and connection. And so husbands, when you can do that for your wife and try to imagine how it is for her in her shoes, and the more that you show up and listen to this podcast and learn about the feminine then you're going to be able to Understand her more and put on that hat better And so kudos to you for listening to this.

I wanna appreciate you for listening to this because I guarantee your wife, if she knows you're listening to this, she's gonna love that. So maybe let her know or don't. But it is very sexy when the husband leads and is interested in, you know, personal growth. But yeah, for you to imagine being her, in her shoes, is really important. And then just saying like, not saying, "Hey, it's fine. It's okay," you know? "It's gonna be fine," yada, yada. You know, "Oh, stop crying." It's, "Hey, I appreciate you sharing your feelings. Hey, I can see how you would feel sad. Like, if I were you in that situation, I would be really angry, too," or, "Yeah, that must be really overwhelming." And you can ask clarity questions like, "Did I get that right?" Or, "Is that right?" 'Cause you might not know. You might be kinda guessing like- "Well, is she angry? Is she sad? I'm not sure."

Austin: Yeah. And I, I think that's one of the biggest blind spots for most men, is they might wanna say things to their wife like, "Hey," like, "I thought I'd made up for that. I thought I brought flowers. I thought I did this." "I thought I appreciated you at dinner. Like, I thought I " Y y all that instead of saying like, "Hey, there's obviously something else going on here." "And I, I wanna understand what that is so I can be here for you." That, I, I know that when I step into that with you, you know, even though sometimes Like, part of the skill of the masculine is the art of validation. And it's not always agreeing. It's validating. You know? Like, I might not always agree that your reaction to blank should be blank.

Rachel: Correct.

Austin: But I don't get to decide that for you. Like, that's, those are your emotions. Like, that's your personal property. Like, that's your feelings. And so I can validate you fully in integrity, you know, to say, "Hey," like, "you're still feeling something right now. I'd like to know what that is so I can support you," versus like, "Hey, I thought you were gonna be over this by now," or, "Hey, I thought we made up earlier," or, "Hey, I thought that by me bringing home flowers would be enough for you to not be upset." Like, if you're still not in flow with me, there's a lesson that I'm not paying attention to. And so I know for me, my goal with empathy for you is I want you to believe that I'm so tuned into your emotions that I'm, like, feeling them with you. So then that way, like you said, you don't feel crazy. You feel seen. You feel heard. You feel understood. Because then if you know that I'm paying that much attention to you, that's the only time you're gonna trust what I have to say anyways.

'Cause if you don't think that I've taken the time to gain all the intel, how can I have intelligence about you?

Rachel: To lead me.

Austin: To lead you. And that's, I think that kinda makes this whole thing full circle, and I'm, I'm glad you picked these three points because they sort of in a way almost go in order, right? Like the feminine wants to be led well by a present man who can be empathetic. And by doing that, by being really empathetic, he can then lead her. And then of course, the one thing we're not gonna talk about in this episode, maybe we'll talk about it in a subsequent episode, is that when I'm doing these things well for you, it makes it 100 times easier for you to show up in ways that help me support you. And like we said, we don't believe in 50/50 marriage. We believe in 100/100. So I want to do what I know I'm called to do for you, whether you're doing what you're called to do for me or not. But why not make it easier on each other? This is something we explain to couples all the time.

It's like, well, yeah, husbands, um Wives, submit to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives. That mandate is in the Bible. It doesn't, it's not stipulated as to whether they're keeping up their end of the deal or not. It says do it. Okay? And so I'm going to love you like Christ loved the church, whether you submit to me or not. And I think you're called to submit to me, okay, whether I'm, you know, loving you as Christ loved the church or not. But why not make it really easy on each other? Okay? I want you to be able to show up for me as an amazing wife no matter what I do and vice versa, but I'm gonna make it easy on you. If I deeply want respect from you and honor from you, and I want that cup of coffee in the morning from you 'cause it just, it's just like, man, like, there's nothing better, okay? I'm gonna make it easy on you, okay?

If I'm just a punk to you, it's gonna make it really hard to serve up that cup of coffee.

Rachel: Heck yeah.

Austin: Okay? If I'm a punk to you. But I wanna be loving and gentle and patient and gracious with you so that when you wake up in the morning, one of your first thoughts is like, "Ooh, I, I can't wait to bring Austin a cup of coffee this morning." You know? And so again, I, I, I'm, I'm glad that you picked these three things because I, I do think it's kind of, you know, a cycle. You know? the feminine wants to be led well by a man who can be present, who can also be empathetic, okay? And that helps him lead her. And when, then when she feels led, it, she's gonna make it 1,000 times easier for her to con for him to continue to give her those three things.

Rachel: Yeah. I love it. All right. So we're going to share with you the three action steps that you can take, one action step in each of these areas. Very simple.

Austin: Right after.

Rachel: Right after we share our nonprofit shout-out. So we invite you guys to join us in donating to One Hope. We have the link in the description. It's onehope.net. And I'm just gonna read a little bit about them because, hopefully it'll lead you to want to get involved and even just donate $5. "The 10/40 Window is the world's most dangerous place for walking with Jesus. It's a rectangular region between 10 and 40 degrees north latitude that stretches from North America to Asia. It is home to two-thirds, two-thirds of the world's population. Tucked in the corner of this window is the world's sixth most deadly place for Christians in Nigeria. Last year, Islamist terrorists like Boko Haram murdered more than 8,000 Christians in Nigeria and trafficked thousands more. But One Hope is reaching into the darkness to bring God's word to 250,000 Nigerian children and youth." So your donation of whatever dollar amount you wanna give, we encourage you. J even just $5, it'll take you- Less than five minutes to give $5 That's literally less than a latte these days.

So for you to, to do that, if each of us only give $5, that's gonna be a lot of impact for this commun or for this nonprofit and what they're doing in a really dangerous part of the world to help reach people and to not only reach them with the gospel, but reach them with support. Which is really, really a, a powerful way that we can reach people with the gospel is by helping them and giving them the love of Christ.

Austin: Yep. So head over to onehope.net, okay? One Hope, that's it, onehope.net. Give 'em five bucks or more. Join us in doing that. we always donate, to these nonprofits because we really care about these organizations. So join us in doing that. And, just he help us impact these people, for the Kingdom of God. So.

Rachel: Yeah. Thank you.

Austin: All right, Rachel, what's the three big takeaways, action items, especially for the husbands today, as they're listening and, hey, they wanna become an irresistible husband. What can they do from a practical perspective to lead well, to be present, and to be empathetic for their wife?

Rachel: All right. Leadership, presence, and empathy. In your leadership, we wanna encourage you to initiate leading in your marriage. Find something intentional to do together and make it a calendar event every week. Whether it's checking in with your wife every night, that's my suggestion because it kind of, all three of these things are lumped into that. or getting involved in our, marriage group. If it's, just setting a regular date night. Whatever it is, set a calendar event. Say, "We're doing this, babe." She's gonna love that. Even if she goes kicking and screaming at first, she will love it.

Austin: Yeah. Even if she's like, "Oh, I don't know. We don't have time to do that." "We don't have time to get on these-"

Rachel: She'll have some pushback

Austin: Zoom marriage calls with Austin and Rachel. And it's like, "W we're gonna do it, honey." "I'm leading us, baby."

Rachel: Yeah. She will love it. Even if at first she doesn't even feel worthy of the love she might resist it as well.

Austin: And that's a whole 'nother thing.

Rachel: Presence. Put your phone down, turn your full body towards your wife, look her in the eye, and ask her to tell you about her emotions, ask her to tell you about her heart and how her day was.

Austin: Hm.

Rachel: Just listen. So just, there's no agenda other than asking her that, and just listen and watch her melt. She'll come alive. Or melt. Both. Number three, empathy. Listen to understand. So when you're doing this, listen to your wife to understand. Listen for the sake of loving her with no strings attached, no expectations. Listen so well you can repeat back to her exactly what she said.

Austin: So

Rachel: So if you wanna apply these three things in one simple thing, it could be do a nightly check-in at the end of the day. You put your phone down, you set this calendar event, it reminds you. You look at her, you ask her about her day. You're present, you listen just to understand. Repeat back to her what she said. Bam. Just watch what happens.

Austin: Yes. Love it. Great stuff. All right. Well, Rachel, I really enjoyed this conversation today, and I really hope that some men, specifically today, are gonna take some action based on what you shared today. So I appreciate you sharing your heart and what, we have found to be the three keys to a husband becoming irresistible. So thank you all for listening today. We have just one little, tiny request for you. Share this episode with your spouse, 'kay? That's all. if you listen to this episode alone today, just share it with your spouse. Have some good, communication, connection, conversation over it. Just share it with them. And, and if you share a screenshot of you sharing this podcast with friends, or on your Facebook, or on any of your social media, send us a copy of that screenshot and we will send you something great as a thank you. So thanks again for tuning in. We love and appreciate you. We hope to see you on the next episode of the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast.

We are praying for you, we are here from you, and we'll look forward to seeing you on the next one.