Did You Fall Off the Horse Again? Re-Committing to Excellence in Your Marriage

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Rachel: Welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage Podcast, where faith meets psychology to equip growth-minded Christian couples to elevate every aspect of their heart, soul, mind, and strength. We're so glad that you're here. We're your hosts, Rachel and Austin Holt. And today, our episode is really going to help you if you've ever, struggled with commitment maybe sticking to a commitment, or when you've fallen off the bandwagon of a commitment, recommitting to it in your marriage, or when you've spotted your spouse doing that and it bothers you.

Austin: Yes. This was a great question that came in. And just, we're gonna expand the question just a little bit just to kind of cover some more ground with it. But really just kind of understanding, like Rachel said, you know, what do we do if we feel like a commitment has been broken, or we feel like we've let ourselves down, or our spouse, or maybe even God. And so we're gonna really deep dive that here in just a, just a few minutes, and we really believe it's gonna bring really incredible change to your marriage because it's just gonna shift your perspective. A lot of the perspective shift is just gonna be on how you see yourself, how you see your spouse how you see God's hand in your marriage. So, hang with us here. It's gonna be a really, really great discussion. But before we dive into this discussion, which by the way, today's episode is one of our famous fully unscripted- No notes, none of that.

Rachel: Famous.

Austin: Yes. Just to have Rachel and I love having some of our more scripted episodes, but we also love just having really honest conversations. And this is just one of those topics that we really love to talk about. And we just want to we always pray and ask that the sp that the Holy Spirit would just kind of guide us and lead us into the right conversations, the right context, the right examples and testimony and so we're excited to rock and roll on this topic. But before we jump into it, we're gonna have our time of appreciations. So Rachel, I'll go first. Rachel, one thing I really appreciate about you is you are the kind of person that can receive feedback as feedback.

Rachel: Oh, boy.

Austin: I don't know, "oh, boy" me over there. You're the kind of person that can receive feedback as feedback. And I just notice that, um and it's kind of in line with today's topic. I just appreciate how you're able to take feedback, whether that's from me or other, like, really key people that you submit yourself to learning from, that you can take feedback and adjust and realize that the feedback is only coming your way because there's people that love you and believe in you. And I just really appreciate that you are that growth-minded that you can receive feedback, get back on the horse, and keep rocking and rolling. So I just appreciate

Rachel: Thank you

Austin: That about you.

Rachel: I appreciate your appreciation for that.

Austin: You're welcome.

Rachel: I receive it. I'm laughing and having a reaction because I haven't always been the best at that. And so your appreciation means a lot to me in that. So thank you for noticing.

Austin: And you haven't always been the best at that because you came from an environment where criticism was intense. And so I just appreciate that you have been willing to heal and do the work that it takes. and you've been, like, this way for years. Like, you've been, incredible at this for years now. But just like today's topic, we're gonna talk about commitments, recommitment. It's, it's easy sometimes to sometimes see feedback as criticism. And I just really appreciate that despite the world that you came from, where everywhere you turned there was harsh criticism, that you have learned how to, see feedback as how you want to see it, to re to only receive feedback from those who you have given permission to speak into that level of your life.

Rachel: That don't make it through the filter.

Austin: That's right. That don't make it through the filter. And, and let it make you better. And a lot of people when they grow up with trauma in that way, it's very difficult for them to be resilient, because they're so focused on surviving instead of thriving that they can't be resilient. And, and so I just really appreciate that you have become such a resilient person, that few things really shake you up. And that strength has been earned over a lot of time, a lot of years, and you also speaking that into countless other people and empowering them in the same way. So just really I, I don't just appreciate this about you, I really respect that you have overcome what most people never overcome, and they numb out to it, and they create little adaptations and modulations to their behavior, to their relationships, to their intimacy, to never have to deal with it. And you chose to deal with it. And because of that, you lead a ton of people in really powerful ways.

And, that's not something you can buy. It's something you have to earn with time and with, with, sometimes pain. So I just, I really respect you for that.

Rachel: Thank you. My appreciation for you is gonna be different. But what's top of heart now is just how you have supported me really well to do that, and you have led me very well to do that. And I appreciate your, your balance of fervor and discipline and leadership for us continually getting better. I I came into the marriage pretty heavy in victim mindset. And I learned to spot it, and you helped be my mirror to spot it a lot. and because of that, because you've been willing to do that, and you've been, you've done it in love, like, to really pursue me knowing how deeply you are in my corner and, like, fighting for me, fighting for me in the throes of trauma coming, surfacing up, and you walking me through exercises and doing different things. And, and then in the little moments of appreciating me and being intentional and supporting me and doing all the things that we teach couples to do like you're doing, you know.

So thank you.

Austin: You're welcome.

Rachel: No one knows all those things that you have done except- God and the angels, and you and me And, it means a lot. Oh, he's shaking my hand.

Austin: That's right. Well, thank you for that appreciation.

Rachel: So intimate.

Austin: Thank you.

Rachel: Yeah. Thank you, babe.

Austin: All right. So again, today's topic is centered around a question that's been asked, and that's, again, what do we do if you feel like you've kind of fallen off the horse, if you've let yourself down, if you've let your spouse down, or you feel like you've let God down, or you feel like you've let the marriage down. Essentially, what do you do when you've kind of broken a commitment? You know, when you have done things you said you weren't gonna do, or you failed at something you resolved to never fail at, or you made a mistake in an area that you resolved to not, you know, make a mistake at. You know, what do you do? And, you know, one saying that we want everyone listening to this episode to really take home today, it's just three words. It's commitment is re-commitment. I'm pretty sure re-commitment's hyphenated. Commitment is re-committed. So it's three or three and a half words, however you look at it. but,

Rachel: No, it's, yeah, it's three

Austin: Yeah, it's three. commitment is re-commitment, and it's realizing that you are not perfect, okay? You can give maximum effort to things without this aspiration of being perfect, 'cause sometimes people hide behind the, "Well, I'm not perfect, so I'm not gonna try hard." You can try really, really hard, and there still will be times, more than likely, where you will miss the mark. At least you'll miss the mark to the degree even that you sought after. And that doesn't mean that because you missed the mark that you're now a different person or you're now a bad person. Because you can be a good person who makes mistakes. And the power, the fuel of commitment is realizing that commitment is re-commitment, and that every single day you can re-commit without even failing, okay? Every single day, like when I pray in the mornings, I'm re-committing. So my re-commitment's not just predicated by, you know, where it's like, oh, I committed to not have any sugar, and the other day I, you know, was let's just pretend I had some sugar.

Well, okay, I'm gonna re-commit to not have sugar. Okay? But I can also just re-commit every day.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's like you're talking to your spouse, they say something maybe, "Hey," it's feedback, but you take it as criticism. You're like, "Ah, dah, ah." You know, and blurt something back, and you're like, "Oh, man, I committed to honoring my spouse. I committed to being respectful." You know. "Bummer." and instead of going down the downward spiral of like, "I'm a terrible person. How da how dare I? I can't believe this. I'm stuck. Oh, here I am again. Poor me. Victim, victim." "Sad, sad. Stuck, stuck." You can say, "Oh, oops." And again, guys, we talk about receiving God's love having God's love in your heart, giving that to yourself, saying, "Oh, okay, God still loves me. I still love me. I can just re-commit."

Austin: Yeah. And part of the, part of the tactical solution with commitment is understanding, first of all, what commitment even is. A commitment is just a string of choices. That's what it is. you can always tell what someone's committed to by the pattern of their choices. Right? And so what a lot of people run into the problem of is that most of the time, if our commitments are being broken, it's because there's an unconscious commitment that's calling the shots, okay? You might be really committed to, to eating healthy, but you might be also unconsciously committed to coping with your stress through food.

Rachel: Mm. Tasty cookies.

Austin: Yes, right. Tasty cookies.

Rachel: Just releases some dopamine.

Austin: Yep, that's right. Yep. Had a hard day.

Rachel: In your body.

Austin: Pop a cookie. Get the, get

Rachel: Just feel good for a quick hit

Austin: Yep, get my neurological system

Rachel: I'm addicted. Yep

Austin: Yep, dripping some dopamine out. And so a lot of times, it's just the unconscious commitments that are competing with conscious commitments. And so one thing that we work with couples on pretty regularly is helping them understand, on a both conscious and subconscious level, what they value. If you know what you value, it's easier to stick to commitments, okay? Because then you don't have unconscious values running the show. So someone might have the conscious value of being healthy, and we'll talk may maybe we'll use health today as kind of the, the, the core example as we

Rachel: It's super relatable

Austin: It's just super relatable for everyone. But let's just say that you've got this value of health, like you wanna take care of the temple. You wanna take care of your body, you know, so that you can think clearly, feel good f having g good energy, have a good sex life, all those things. But you might have an unconscious value of a deep-seeded feeling of, you know, self-preservation. Let's just say that's it, 'cause that's su it's such a base layer of, you know our psyche and our, you know, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, right? Self-preservation. And so if you've got a, a really unconscious commitment to that versus the a conscious commitment of eating healthy, then you might find yourself overriding your conscious commitments and eating unhealthy things, not exercising, not drinking enough water. Not doing the things you might commit to. Well, this happens in marriage all the time. Where I think most married people, especially the people listening to this podcast, they have a conscious commitment to loving and honoring their spouse, okay?

Now, when a learning opportunity comes up, when they're low on sleep, when they were just cut off in traffic, when their mother-in-law just called them and yelled at them, you know, when all the stack of life starts to, all the entropy, all the, you know, endogenous things start happening to us, it's very easy for an unconscious commitment to pop up. "I want to preserve the way I feel about myself. I want to preserve the way other people see me." "I want to preserve my own status, and so I'm gonna say something that I normally wouldn't say." Okay? Because that unconscious commitment is running the shots because there might be some values that are unconscious. And so, again, one thing we teach a lot of couples is you have to know your values. If you wanna stick to your commitments, first of all, you gotta make sure that your commitment was made with full integrity, that you actually meant it. N and number two, you gotta know your commitment so well that it's subconscious.

And three, you've gotta know that you are being driven by values that you actually want to be driven by.

Rachel: Yeah. And another thing is your beliefs. So you have these subconscious commitments that might be fueled by, you know, m misaligned values or not bringing those consciously, but also having a belief. So let's take health as an example, right? a lot of women will want to be healthy because they want to look better, because they want to be loved. They want to be noticed, and feel loved and feel worthy, right? So it's doing things to be and feel worthy. So we'll say a lot of people say they're doing blank to be blank. But we reverse that. We say because you are blank you will do blank. So for example, instead of I'm going to eat healthy because I wanna be skinny or I wanna look good or, you know, feel good, I'll feel worthy, people will love me, it's, hey, because I am worthy because I am so beautiful, that God made me, because I have this incredible temple, this tool that he's given me, because I'm loved, because I'm worthy.

Because of all that, I'm going to nurture my s my body. I'm going to give myself good energy. I'm going to take care of the temple God has given me, and that's gonna get me a lot of really awesome, fun, meaningful results. But only because I believe that I'm worthy, because I am I know that I'm loved. And that's how it actually sticks. So you may be trying something because you actually have this belief that you're not worthy or you're not good enough. You know, like, "Oh, I'm not a good wife." I, I You know, "So I'm trying to be better so that I can be a good wife, so that I can earn his love."

Austin: Ra rather than just believing that because you are a good wife, you're gonna do X, Y, and Z.

Rachel: Yes. Because God has given that. He's placed that on me. You know- I think we've talked about this on here, walk worthy of the calling that you have received.

Austin: Ephesians 4:1.

Rachel: And God gave you You know, if you're married, if you're listening, hopefully, you know, if you're married- God gave you the title of wife or husband. And because you are a wife or husband, you're going to live up to that because you already are from a place. Remember, be to do. Don't do to be. Don't do things to be loved. Because you're loved, then you'll do things.

Austin: Mm-hmm. Because I've been given this identity, I'm gonna walk in a way that's worthy. And from the psychology piece, you know, the, the brain has this whole alignment thing. You know, people talk about being in alignment. It's k sometimes misused, but really the core of understanding alignment is the satisfaction that comes with your behavior matching what you value. It's your behavior matching what you say you're gonna do. That's why people can be so hard on themselves when they fall off their commitment wagon. You know, when they make a mistake. When they break a commitment. They can feel so, sad or they can be so hard on themselves because they came out of integrity, okay? And so part of the problem is, is just the awareness of understanding that guilt is about behavior, shame is about identity. And so if you can realize that guilt is not always inherently wrong. You know, it's like if, if you're inside the house and, you know, your mom says, "Don't throw the baseball in the house," and you throw the baseball in your house and you break a window or her favorite vase or, you know, God forbid, an urn or something like that, you know, well

Rachel: That would be a dusty mess. I was gonna say that right now.

Austin: Yeah, that'd be a d yeah, that's right. Then it's like, okay, you knew you shouldn't have done something. You did it anyway. You broke the vase. Everyone's upset, now you gotta buy a new vase. Guilt is a little bit of a mechanism that the brain uses to help you try to not do that again. Well, the problem is if you feel guilty too many times, it transmutes into shame, and shame is more about your identity. Shame is like, "I'm a bad guy." 'Cause there's a difference between doing a negative thing or a quote, unquote, "bad thing," and being a bad guy or a bad girl. And so what you don't want is to think to yourself, like when you break a commitment, "Oh, I did a bad thing." "Now I'm a bad wife. Now I'm a bad mom." "Now I'm a bad person. Now I'm a bad human." It's the ability to say, "Hey, I'm a g- I'm a good person. I'm a good man of God.

I'm a good woman of God who messed up today. But because I'm a great woman of God, because I'm a great man of God, I am going to recommit to my commitments that align with the values that God has set before me." So from, again, the psychology perspective, it's realizing if you hear that voice in your head try to tell you, which it's probably your psyche, a layer of your psyche saying, "Oh, you, you, you messed up again. You fell off the wagon again. Man, you, you, you, you should probably just quit. You're not good enough to do this" that's shame starting to kick in, okay? That's, that's shame. And shame is there to actually protect you. Shame is to try to, to, to make you play small so you won't get hurt big. 'Cause if you play small, you'll get hurt small, right? Shame is actually part of self-preservation, but shame is rooted in fear, not love. And that's where the difference between how God made us and how God wants us to be becomes apparent, okay?

And so our psyche might have been built to keep us safe, but God sent himself to die on the cross for our sins so that we don't have to play it safe. We can play it big and have a big impact in the Kingdom of God and a big impact in our marriage. And so if you're the kind of person that maybe you are hard on yourself when you do let yourself down, you know, you've, you've, you've broken a commitment. maybe you've broken a commitment to your spouse or to your marriage. We just wanna encourage you to have a little bit of what we call more positive cognitions or better thoughts to say, "Man, I am a great spouse. You know, I might have messed up here, but I only care about messing up because I'm a great spouse." If you're indifferent about negative behavior, then your identity might need some work. Okay? But if your negative behavior bothers you, well, then be, be encouraged.

It means that you care enough to be bothered about it. So if you do find yourself giving yourself a hard time, take a deep breath, attribute positive intent to yourself and say, "Hey, you know what? I am a great father. I'm trying to love my kids the best I can. Today I might have not done a great job at that, but I'm recommitting to the behaviors that I've committed to because I'm a great husband, I'm a great father, and tomorrow I'm gonna do a better job at loving my kids. That's commitment is recommitment. and, and this might Oh, go ahead.

Rachel: Well, I was gonna say, what would you say to someone listening that might be like, when you say, "I'm good"? Because I think a lot of Christians, a lot of people in the faith might be like, "Oh, no, that's bad. That's against the Bible," right? Like, "I've been taught we're not good."

Austin: Mm-hmm. See

Rachel: So what would you say to somebody saying that if right now

Austin: I, I

Rachel: In their brain?

Austin: I would say research, meditate on, and pray about what atonement means. I, I would meditate on what it actually means to you that Jesus became the perfect lamb who was slain so that you could have righteousness again, so that you could be connected with God again. I would urge you to consider that Jesus knew everything you would ever think about, do, say, et cetera, whether you even believe in him or not, and he still died on the cross. And he still kept you in this plane of existence. I would say if it's a sin for you to say that you're good or that if you're not good, then you're saying that, Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was for nothing. 'Cause if you're saying Jesus I i if we're not good, and you're, you're saying that God had to send a sacrifice that was worthy of what was being saved. Okay? So in the Old Testament, it was like, "Okay, we got a dove, we got a ram, we got this, we got that.

We're gonna sacrifice those things, because these people have sinned," you know, whether it was part of the, the, the proactive rituals or the reactive rituals to committing a sin. I i if, if we're saying that Jesus didn't die for anything good, and why would God send himself to die then for us? Like, why would he send the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate lamb, the most pure, perfect, holy thing in existence? What, God sacrificed that for nothing?

Rachel: Dirty rags.

Austin: Yeah, g for dirty rags? No. God sacrificed himself as his Son because you are worth it to him. Is that he left heaven to come be with you. Because it was that important to him. Because he didn't have to do that, right? And so there's a lot of church ideology the and, and theology, especially earlier church, not early church like first-century church, but like, you know, '70s, '80s, '90s, 2000s, e even present day, that would tell you that you are not good. That, you know, you're, you're filthy rags, you know, and you're not worthy, and you're not lovable, and you're not righteous. If you believe that, I would just tell you to go read the Bible. You don't even need a sermon on theology. Just go read the Bible. Because there's black-and-white words that tell you, 'kay that you have been bought with a price, and because of that, you have been redeemed. You actually have an inheritance. The cool thing about an inheritance means you don't have to do anything other than just accept and receive, 'kay?

Accept and receive grace through faith, 'kay? That you are a son or daughter.

Rachel: It's not earned.

Austin: It's not earned. it's been given to you. Inheritance isn't earned. It's been given. And if you're called a son or daughter, which you are in the Bible, if you're called a saint, which you are in the Bible, if you're called an heir, which you are in the Bible, if you're called a friend, which you are in the Bible, I would say if you're a friend of God, a saint for God, a son or daughter of God, an heir of God- I'd say that you're good. And not, and not A a and okay, so let's, l let's, let's play it on that theology.

Rachel: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

Austin: It's like, it's not It's because of two powerful things. It's because Jesus came and atoned. And then you said yes to receiving grace through faith. Okay? Faith is a work. You chose to have faith, 'kay? And the Holy Spirit might have had a role in that. You might have been convicted by him through prevenient grace, all those things, but there's this collaboration. Jesus said, "Hey, here's the door. All you gotta do is open it." 'Kay?

Rachel: Right. And

Austin: "Here, here, here it is." And you chose to open it. You chose to receive righteousness through Jesus.

Rachel: And you're saying this as someone who has chosen. So, yes, we sin. We're not saying we don't. We're not saying we're good without- Christ and his redemption and his forgiveness. So we're not saying humans are don't need a savior. Because they did. That's why he sent his Son. But if you're a believer, then you are good because you've been redeemed, and the blood of Christ covers you. So no more You know, Jesus said, "Go and sin no more," he didn't he knew that she would, you know not be perfect.

Austin: Probably inevitably go sin.

Rachel: But she's saying, "Okay, I'm gonna follow you now." And he's saying, "You're redeemed."

Austin: So it's, um Yeah, that, that's a great question, and I think that for a lot of people, just the, the wake-up call of, "Oh," like, "God still loves me even when I mess up." God is still See, paraphrasing a lot here, one of the toughest wounds for all people to work out in terms of their default neural network, in terms of their developmental trauma, in terms of their, just their whole origin story, 'kay, is, is realizing that you will sometimes spend your entire life wondering if your parents were still happy they had you. 'Kay? A lot of people struggle with that. Like, "Are my parents actually glad?" Because unconsciously, children will feel like they're a, a, a burden to their parents, especially in younger years, 'kay? It's very easy for a child to think that they're a burden to their parents. And then because kids can't really see their parents as good or bad, they have to see their parents as good only, because that's how they survive, then when they mess up, they typically blame themselves.

Okay? And so one of those deep reparative wounds that we've helped a lot of people work out, and that a lot of people work out in other coaching, counseling, therapy, you name it, all that, is that, like, that my parents are still glad they made me. And even if they're not glad they made me, it doesn't really matter because I know who I am. Right? But God is glad he made you, 'kay? Because he still sent his Son to die even though he knows every thing you've ever thought everything you've ever done, everything you're going to do. And yet He still sent His Son to die for you. So I encourage everyone listening today to rest easy in that, like find some peace in that fact. That Jesus died for you, and that even though you mess up, that doesn't change your identity, okay? Because that's the piece where people often mess this up. Is it's difficult for them to recommit. It's difficult for them to love themselves even though they messed up.

Because when they were younger and they messed up, the consequence was so severe that they're thinking God probably feels that way about them. But He doesn't feel that way about you. You know, it's like God says, He's like, "I don't want your sacrifice." Like, He wants our submission. He wants our love. He wants our, He wants mercy. He wants us to be merciful people. He wants us to, to love justice and love orphans and widows and the poor. And I mean, He- He just wants intimacy with us, and then for that intimacy to be given in the form of love to other people. If you're sitting here listening to this episode, one thing that would really benefit you, especially when you're looking at your commitments, 'cause like we said earlier, commitments are just a string of choices. Those choices are based in values. Those values are either conscious or unconscious, okay? My values, I can tell you right now, 'cause I know them very consciously, very unconsciously, is my faith, my marriage, my kids, my health, wealth, community, and fun.

And some of those are very linear, like they have to come before others, and some of those can run concurrently. They can run parallel which is great, you know? Like my faith runs with every single value I have. Fun runs with pretty much every single value I have. Now, sometimes with the kids

Rachel: Having fun with God. Woo-hoo

Austin: Yeah. R that's right. Yeah. Now, sometimes I

Rachel: It's true

Austin: I have to value, I get to, I choose to value my kids in a way that's not as fun, right? Like

Rachel: Sticking with it

Austin: Sticking with it with the kids, right. But those are my values, and I know them very consciously and I know them unconsciously. So when people ask me to do things or to say things or to attend things or commit to things or spend money on things, sometimes before I even know it, I'm saying no because it doesn't align with those, those values. So our, our commitments are a string of choices. Those choices are based on our values. And if you don't know what your values are, knowing what they are is powerful. And we have courses on that. You can check them out on our website. We talk about that in our coaching program, which I know would change your life if you were a part of. Shameless plug. But if you are f constantly feeling like you're breaking your commitments, it might be because you don't even know what your commitment's values are based in. You, you I'm sorry. You don't know what that commitment is based in.

You don't know what those values are. Or you've committed to something that you are out of integrity when you committed to, because again, you don't know what your values are. So if your spouse asked you to do something for them that violates your values or was not made in full integrity, eventually you will fail on that commitment, okay? If your spouse, you know, makes a request for you Look, th th there's one thing that we do for couples. we call it recipes, and it's just, it's just a way to help couples consciously create what they want in their marriage. So let's say you say to me, "Austin, I'd love to go to bed earlier." Let's just say that's a request you have. So then I'd say, "Okay." and then you would say, "What would your recipe be to be able to support me in that?" And I'd say, "Okay. Well, I, I can agree for us to go to bed earlier. Here's what would help me successfully do that with you.

If you could, make dinner a little bit earlier, make sure the kids are put to bed a little bit earlier, and make sure I've got a hot glass of Sleepy Time tea by 8:00. If those three things can be present, those ingredients can be present, then it would make it way easier for me to be able to go to bed earlier." Now, and I'd say, "Are you good with those things?" And if you say yes, but you secretly aren't good with that, let's just say that it's you don't want to be solely responsible for putting the kids down and for making dinner, and you don't say that to me, well, then eventually you will break that commitment because you just created a lose-win. And if you create a lose-win, you will eventually don't, you will eventually not wanna lose anymore, and you'll break the commitment. That's what 99.9% of people do. We have these conversations every single day with people where it's like, "Why does my spouse keep breaking their commitment?"

Or, "Why do I keep breaking my commitment?" Well, you probably never meant it when you agreed to it. That's why.

Rachel: So then there's actually pivots you can make. It's like, "Well, that would be great, babe. But I think I could do that if you helped me put the kids to bed." "Or while," which our kids help with dinner cleanup, but let's say you had smaller kids. "While I clean up from dinner, you can put the kids to bed." "So then we can double time it, and I'm not pooped by the time, you know, we're And it's not too late, 'cause it's taking me so long." And so, "Hey, is that a good plan for you?" And then you could say either yes or no if it's a, it's something you can agree to. But then I'm sharing exactly what would make it a win what is integrity with me.

Austin: So that you can actually stick to the commitment. 'Cause if you find yourself breaking your commitment, you probably didn't commit in full integrity. And I wouldn't take that personally. I would just take that as, like, a scientific examination. Like, "Huh, I keep breaking this commitment. I wonder why." "I wonder if it's something I actually committed to in full integrity." Another aspect that's really important here is, that just will help your marriage in general, is when you feel like This goes back to the story piece for you that you mentioned earlier. The story you tell yourself about why you or someone else is breaking a commitment is really powerful. So if you find yourself saying, "Oh, well, my spouse doesn't do what they say they're gonna do," or, "My spouse is breaking commitments," well, there's two stories you can always make up about why a spouse is breaking a commitment. You can either say, "Oh, they're breaking their commitment," or you could be like, "Hey, I notice my spouse broke their commitment.

I wonder if they're struggling today. I wonder if they're having a really hard day." It generally, when you tell the former story, the negative story, like, "Oh, wow, my spouse is breaking their commitment to working out"- generally what we're gonna go to is, "Hey, we notice that you're noticing that they're breaking commitments. I wonder if there's any commitments you're breaking." Because they told the judgmental v version of the story versus the loving version of the story which might be, "Oh, I notice my spouse hasn't been working out lately. I wonder if they're struggling. I wonder if they need support. I wonder if they need love. I wonder if they need prayer." They're observing the break of the commitment through- A lens of love, unconditional love, forgiveness, empathy, and all that, without attachment which is actually going to help them spiral upward in resolving whatever the integrity breach is, versus looking at their spouse judgmentally. Because any time we make up a story about someone that we don't know the truth about, it's a judgment.

That's it. Like, like if, if you're breaking a commitment and I'm like, "Oh, Rachel's breaking her commitment to working out," that's a judgment because I don't know really what's going on. But if I can say, "Huh, Rachel committed to working out and she's not, I wonder if she needs support. I wonder if she needs love. I wonder if she-" wants to talk about it."

Rachel: Yeah. And here's the difference is that perspective of, "Hmm, I wonder," it's because you have love in your heart for yourself so you can offer it to me. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. But if you were feeling off about your commitments and you're, you know, feeling frustrated with yourself, then it would come out on me.

Austin: Yep, then I see it in you.

Rachel: You know, pick, pick the little speck out of my eye. You got this plank, you know. But guys, we're saying this 'cause we've lived it, you know?

Austin: Yeah. We've lived it and we've helped

Rachel: We've been on health journeys since we've been married, so it's like, "Oh you're eating a cookie tonight?" You know? Like, we've gone through that whole thing where it's like, "Wait, I, I thought we committed to that." And then it's really, oh, actually I haven't been, tight on my commitments and I

Austin: And I'm noticing that you're not

Rachel: Had a drink from Scooter's today or whatever, you know. So it's, yeah, it's something that we have lived out in our marriage and we help couples with all the time. and it's these pivots these little mindset shifts just bringing your awareness to, oh, oh, I'm doing that is sometimes all that's needed, you know? 'Cause then you can offer love to yourself. Like, oh, oh, I was being really, harsh on myself there. But I'm just gonna recommit.

Austin: Yeah. And the other part of that question, maybe even just to kind of wrap up this part of the conversation, is just, you know, if you feel like you let the marriage down. Well, there's really no such thing as the marriage. The marriage is just made up of really three people, okay? It's you, your spouse, and it's God. And I, I truly believe that if you feel like, oh, the marriage isn't where I want it to be, or this isn't happening, it generally means it's something I'm bringing with me or my spouse is bringing with them that just needs love. It needs unconditional love. It needs discussion. It needs to come out of the darkness and come into the light and be honored and be talked about. and requests can be made and honored and commitments made and agreements made to just resolve whatever that is. So there's no really letting down the marriage. There's, am I out of integrity? Is my spouse out of integrity?

'Cause a powerful marriage is just two people who are in integrity and being led by Christ. That's a powerful marriage. And so if you're listening to this episode today thinking, "Okay, like, what do I do? What's my next step?" commitment is recommitment. What I really just want you to think about here is, you can recommit to your commitments as many times as it takes, and every time you do it you'll get at least .01% better. And it might encourage you to know that, you know, we do, we do coaching. We do, even do executive coaching for people like big pastors and executives and CEOs, and these are people that a lot of people would look at and think, "Oh, they must be perfect." They're not. You know, here are these people, the reason they are as successful as they are is because they willingly take feedback. They willingly take coaching. They seek out, they spend time, money, effort, energy, and emotion on someone else looking at their life through a microscope to help them become better.

Rachel: Craig Groeschel is a really good example of that.

Austin: Yeah. Craig Groeschel. There's just countless people that we could, we could talk about. that they submit to other people coaching them. The, and, and these would have to be people that, they have the skills to do it. They have the skills, the experience, the knowledge, and the spiritual gifting to coach people. Not everyone can coach people. It's like not every, not every pastor or that many pastors, in my opinion can do marriage counseling, you know and stuff like that 'cause they're just not trained in it. Right? But we work with people that you might look at and think, "Wow, they must be perfect." Well, they're not. But they're really, really good at recommitting. They're really, really good at recommitting when they fall on a commitment. And once you do that enough times, you become resilient, okay? You become a person of perseverance. You become a person of persistency, to where every time you recommit, you become stronger, okay? And the need to recommit will become less and less and less.

And I might have said this earlier, I can't remember if I did or not, but the other thing to understand is that as you become a strong recommitter, you realize that nothing has to predicate a recommitment. You can wake up every day and recommit. Every day when I pray, I recommit to God. God, help me to be the best husband, the best father, the best leader, the best businessman, the best man of God that I can be. I recommit to that path. I recommit to that. Like, I've got this dry erase board on my desk sitting right over there, and it's got things that I recommit to every single day, so that I start my day by saying between God and I who I find the highest level of accountability with, I say, "God, I recommit to these things." Because I, I know that I have humanity. I know that I have flesh. Okay?

Rachel: Ooh.

Austin: I know that I have some elements of my psyche, some elements of personas that would maybe convince me to give anything less than my best that day to you, to the kids, to God, to our clients, to our couples. And so to that person that's listening to this episode and is still hanging with us, if you're here, that tells me that you are the kind of person who's probably highly committed but also just kind of struggles with giving themself enough grace to recommit enough times necessary to let the work be done in you for you to grow to where you want to go. So so my, my encouragement to you is keep going, keep growing. recommitment is commitment. Commitment is recommitment. And just keep recommitting to the path, to the course, to the race that God has you on. Because every time that you do that, you will get stronger. And, and this is just a second shameless plug for our, our marriage community, our coaching program.

The people that surround you, the circle that surrounds you the people that are championing you, pe it, it Every relationship in your life, they're either cheerleading you and championing you, or they're killing you. That's just the truth. Okay?

Rachel: Dragging you down.

Austin: The, they're dragging you down. The people that you're, that are in your closest circles. And I, I think, we have an upcoming podcast episode on this topic, so stay tuned. But every person in your world, 'kay, they're either heating up your cup of coffee or they're putting an ice cube in it, period, end of story. So audit the people that are around you. Or audit the voices in your head. T today I literally had probably four different calls with couples where part of the conversation went to understanding outside influence. Who's speaking into your marriage? Who's speaking into your life? Who are you having coffee dates with? Who is in your living room that you're talking to? Who at work is whispering in your ear? i is it easy for you to accept influence from a mom, dad, or sibling that's speaking negative things into you? Is your, or is your mom or dad calling you and ragging on your other, you know, parent? You know, what voices are in your head?

'Cause if they're not championing you, okay, they're dragging you down. Okay? So if you wanna increase your willpower, your strength to recommit, audit every single person that's in your world. Because if you're in our marriage program, like if you're in, if you're in our members program, for multiple times a week, maybe multiple times a day, you've got people that are speaking life into you, championing you, reminding you that, "Hey, just recommit. Just recommit. Just, you got this." "You're a great wife. You're a great mom. You're a great person. You're a great leader. You're a great woman of Christ. Just, just recommit. It's all good. We got you. Yeah! Come on." And we're sharing wins and, and we're literally spurring each other on, okay? That's what you have to, in my opinion, if you want to go levels above levels, because there are levels above levels in life, okay? Just like there's multiple levels of heaven.

Rachel: We got a T-shirt with that on it.

Austin: Yeah, we got, we got T-shirts that say that.

Rachel: All our members get. Oh, spoiler. Dang it.

Austin: How could you? recommit to keeping that a secret, Rachel.

Rachel: Ouch.

Austin: If you want to be levels above levels, you cannot do it alone. You are not an island. You are not an island. A lot of people think that, you know, they're this island. "I made myself. I'm self-made. I did all this." You're not an island. A lot of people have come alongside you and helped shape your life. So if you wanna shape your life in the upward, positive, epic direction, you have to have a community of people that are in your corner 24/7.

Rachel: That you wanna be like.

Austin: Yep, people that you wanna be like, people that you wanna emulate. So Rachel, I think you have a great nonprofit shout-out today. So who's our nonprofit?

Rachel: Today our nonprofit is called Mercy Ships, mercyships.org. We'll have the link in the podcast description. They are an incredible nonprofit that it's like a giant medical ship that goes around to different impoverished countries where people who otherwise would not receive medical care, and specifically even surgeries. And all the staff, I can't believe this, and I could be somehow wrong, like misreading this, but they're all volunteers on this ship. So think incredibly, dedicated, people who have dedicated their lives to medical are then volunteering their time to go and travel on these ships to give surgeries to give intensive medical care to people who otherwise would not get it. You can read some incredible testimonials on their website. You can see pictures before and after of some of the really cool I mean, it just makes me emotional. I f- I feel a lot of, of sadness and joy and, and just, like, meaning, being on their website. So I encourage you to just click. And I just felt like I should say, you know, if you've ever had a surgery that has made a difference in your life, that has blessed you, that has impacted you, I wanna call you specifically to give $5.

Because that's a special way that God ties you to somebody, that you could be impacting their life to be able to get a surgery that they might not otherwise have been able to. And if surgery has saved your life, blessed you enriched your life, made something better, by you being blessed by our modern medical care that we have great access to you know, if you're listening in the US, this is a way that you can bless other children and men and women to get really

Austin: Ma yeah

Rachel: Medical care, and it's a ministry, you know? Imagine being shared the gospel when you thought your life was just gonna be a certain way your whole life. But now you have this amazing medical intervention, and you learn about God. I mean, how cool is it?

Austin: Yeah. That's powerful.

Rachel: That's a really cool opportunity, I think.

Austin: Mercyships.org. Mercyships.org. I love their name because I'm thinking, like, a double entendre in it. You know, like mercy ships, like the boats, but they're a they're also, like, shipping mercy, like mercy ships. Like in the marketing world we talk about shipping things.

Rachel: Meep. Yeah.

Austin: Anyways, I just, I'm like, wow, that's a great name. Mercyships.org. And I appreciate that you're calling people that have had surgery to give because it even just makes me think about our life. You know, I was thinking about, like, my pinky surgery when I broke my, pinky off my knuckle at my bachelor party. It's a, a rope swing gone wrong

Rachel: A float trip

Austin: In the float trip. And, like, thinking about, like, one of our daughter's umbilical hernia surgeries and, like, just stuff like that. And thinking about, every time we've had something like that and been just blessed with modern medicine. So mercyships.org, check them out. Please go donate five bucks. And if this episode was valuable to you at all, go give them five bucks. So today's big takeaway is this: we want you to write down the phrase commitment is recommitment. We want you to write it down in your Bible, write it in your journal, put it on the mirror in your bathroom. Put it any place that you're going to read it, you're gonna see it, you're gonna reflect on it. put it somewhere that it's, it's just, you're gonna be reminded of it, okay? and just ask God to do a big work in your heart over these next few weeks, months, years, whatever in just helping you recommit every time you fall. Every time you feel like you need to, get back on the horse, just remember, commitment is recommitment. make sure that you like, comment and subscribe.

And again, please comment on this video. Let us know where you're from. Let us know about you.

Rachel: Yeah, we'd love to hear from you.

Austin: Do you have a business? Do you have something you support? Is there a nonprofit that you love? Do you love your church? Tag your church in the comments. Like, we just wanna interact with you. We wanna get to know you. So thank you for watching this episode of The Conscious Christian Marriage podcast. We love you, we appreciate you, and we'll see you next time.