The Mindset That Will 180 Your Marriage Before the End of This Episode

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Austin: Hey, everybody, Austin and Rachel Holt here, and welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage Podcast. We are your hosts. And we're super excited to bring today's episode to you because this is the first episode in our new studio which we're really excited about. And this is actually a temporary studio, because our, our forever studio is actually being built right now. And so this studio is actually in our office which is pretty cool, we think. And so- It makes life a whole lot easier having the studio

Rachel: It really does

Austin: Where our office is so we're not driving back and forth from where our studio used to be. So those of you who have followed us for a little while now, you probably saw this is a different look, and welcome to our new look, which will be this way for a little while before our forever studio's done, so.

Rachel: Yeah, I like the term forever studio.

Austin: Forever studio. That's right.

Rachel: It's cool. Well, without further ado, I'd like to kick off our appreciation. So Austin's shaking my hand again.

Austin: I was just hoping to

Rachel: Just slide one in there

Austin: Slip that one right by everybody.

Rachel: So I really appreciate you for how you handled Charisse and Chloe. Was it Charisse and Chloe yesterday? Whatever it was, I'm not even remembering what the kerfuffle was what, which kids it was, but you just went over there, handled it really well. Oh, it was Caroline being overwhelmed with her room.

Austin: Yeah, it was Caroline.

Rachel: And you helped her to, focus on one thing at a time, and to tell you every time she cleaned something up, and then that gave her dopamine so you'd say, "Woo-hoo. Yay, you cleaned something else up." And then, the next time she'd come out, "Daddy, I cleaned up one more thing," and I was just impressed that you came up with that all on your own. And c because you know how our brains work and how it would help her to be encouraged doing one thing and getting just encouragement as she just kept going. And she finished. And sh yeah. As you increased, like, "Now tell me every two times. Now tell me every three things." It was awesome, so.

Austin: Well, thank you.

Rachel: I just loved observing you as a dad in that way, and it blessed me so I could just keep cooking dinner- And not deviate to that task.

Austin: Yeah. Well, I appreciate your appreciation of that. And that's something that I just enjoy doing, like being present with our kids, you know. And so, I think just as a micro parenting tip thought here, I think sometimes it's easy to forget that you have to connect with a kid based on their age and their development. You know, a lot of times people get frustrated with their kids because, you know, they're a 40-year-old parenting their kid like they're a 40-year-old, but they're not a 40-year-old. They're a five-year-old, a 10-year-old, a, a 12-year-old. And so just like you wouldn't teach 12th grade math to a first grader, you can't teach or try to make your kid respond with 12th grade, you know, social skills, emotional skills, conversational skills adoption skills, if they're in first grade, you know? So. I try my best, and I, and I definitely want to continue to grow in that, but I do try my best to get on their level and communicate w and connect with them in a way that makes sense to them, you know?

So, but I appreciate you noticing that. So my appreciation for you is that you were willing to hold down the fort so that, Charisse and I could go to Colorado this last weekend. So which is why I'm sporting this mountain man beard if, anybody noticed. I know it's hard to miss. But, those of you who can't see right now 'cause you're watching the audio, I have this very long, very bushy beard. I mean, it is, it's intense. Like a bird tried to put a nest in it

Rachel: Oh my word

Austin: While I was in the mountains, and it was intense. But

Rachel: Really painting a picture here

Austin: But, so yeah, Rachel and I decided that, one thing that we're doing with all of our kids is just taking them on just really intentional one-on-one trips at key points in their life. And so a good friend of mine, Kevin Oldham, really inspired me 'cause he does this with his kids. And, he decided that, hey, when my kids turn 10, I'm doing a one-on-one trip with, you know, just dad and them. And so our oldest, turns 10 technically in a couple weeks here, but we just went on our one-on-one dad and kid 10-year-old trip. And I just really appreciated that you were willing to hold down the fort and take care of everything while we were gone. And, and, it just, it was great to be able to just go and, focus on her and focus on being in God's creation and know that, everything here was gonna be smooth sailing. So

Rachel: Thank you.

Austin: Thank you. Appreciate you. So all right, today we're actually real excited. Or actually, we're always really excited.

Rachel: Okay, I have something to say about that. Can I deviate for a second?

Austin: Please. Yeah.

Rachel: I was just thinking about this. We say we're excited every time, but we legit are. And both

Austin: Like I couldn't even go to bed last night.

Rachel: So

Austin: I was so excited for today

Rachel: Both of us, this is a hilarious thing about us. If you haven't done it, done the Jordan Peterson, what's it

Austin: Know Yourself

Rachel: Know Yourself personality quiz test, it is really insightful, and we've both taken it, and you can apply yours as a couple. And so when we compare ours, both of us in enthusiasm are like 98, 99, which means if we're in a room of 100 people, we're gonna be like

Austin: The top one or two

Rachel: Basically the top one or two excited, enthusiastic people.

Austin: And extroverted.

Rachel: And extrovertism. We're both 98, 99%, on that. So we're, not only are we s both super extrovert, we're both super enthusiastic. So when we say we're excited about this topic, we really are.

Austin: Yeah, we really are. Yeah.

Rachel: Because why would we talk about anything that we're not excited about? So.

Austin: Th that, that's a great point. And that, that's actually something interesting, just not another bunny trail here, but, just in our personal lives, you know, like we have this agreement kinda with ourselves and with the people that we spend time with. We just don't really talk about anything that we are not excited about, that doesn't bless other people, that doesn't bless the Kingdom of God, that doesn't matter. You know, it's like people start talking about drama or politics or just different things that, you know, we can't directly affect or, you know, or that we're choosing not to affect. It's just kinda like, hey, like, I mean, you can talk about that if you want, but You know, we're gonna talk about things above, keep our mind on things above. And, and so we really everything that we talk about here on the podcast is very intentional. It's all stuff that we're, like Rachel said, very, very excited to talk about. And today's episode, is gonna be slightly different.

Probably won't feel too different, but slightly different in the fact that, we have a question that we're going to answer you know, here together on the podcast. And we decided for fun we would do no prep. No prep, no conversation ahead of time, and just really pray that the, the Spirit of God would move in how we speak, what we share, what we say, the examples we give, the context that we give, scripture that might come up. And we just wanted to 'Cause this is a really powerful question. It's actually one of the most powerful questions I think that anyone who's, has really ever, propositioned us to answer. And so I just want to give it a really vulnerable go.

Rachel: The only notes we have are the nonprofit shout-out. 'Cause we wanna make sure you get the right URL.

Austin: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. So all right, Rachel, what's the question that we're gonna answer

Rachel: All right

Austin: Today?

Rachel: So the question is, how do you and Rachel, this person's asking you, how do you and Rachel find time and energy to invest in your marriage?

Austin: Hmm.

Rachel: Like, life is so busy, you know? Like, there's always something going on.

Austin: Yeah, I know life is

Rachel: How on earth

Austin: Life is this

Rachel: Do you find time?

Austin: Autonomous person that does things to people. It's like a little gremlin that comes out of the

Rachel: Why?

Austin: Comes out of the closet and makes you fill up your calendar, and makes you you know

Rachel: Spend your money on stuff

Austin: Spend your money on stuff and makes you stay up late watching TV and everything and No, but, you know, when I think about that question, there's 100 different things that I could say or share about why we do have the time, the money, the resources, the energy to invest in our marriage. And this is actually a conversation I've had with a lot of people lately, so this is all pretty fresh on my mind. Is that to have a powerful marriage, you have to look at marriage as a lifestyle. You know, and even today we're talking about that with, you know, signing the kids up for various activities. And you know, we were looking at signing one of the kids up with, Krav Maga, which is one of my favorite martial arts. it's actually less of an art and more of an actual combat science, which is really cool. It's still technically an art for those of you who nerd out on this stuff. or, or who have ever trained.

But we were talking just about the idea that this place was like, "You pay this monthly membership, but you have to come twice a week or you can't be a member there." And we were just thinking, like, that doesn't really work for us because they want you to make it a lifestyle. And that's the word that we use when we help people understand if you wanna have an incredible marriage, you have to look at it like a lifestyle. And I think on paper everyone would agree, oh, yeah, like, our marriage is so important to us. It's like our It's a lifestyle. But I think for a lot of people, it's not really a lifestyle. And I know at one point in time for us, like, maybe in the very, very, very beginning, 'cause I think really since we've been married we've really held true to that idea that to have a great marriage it has to be lifestyle. But, you know, maybe in the very beginning it took us a while to learn that hey, like, if we want our marriage to be really strong, to be really Christ-centered, to be really powerful, it has to be a lifestyle.

It's gotta be something that gets on the calendar, that gets on our checkbook or our budget okay, and that we ration emotional, physical, creative, and spiritual energy for. And I think, and again, because we've had this conversation with quite a few people lately actually, if you're not willing to look at your marriage in a way that necessitates it being a lifestyle, you either are underestimating, the effort that it takes to have the, the quality of marriage that, like, you and I have and are building, or you have a really low perception of how great it could be. So you're, you're either underestimating the input, or you're undervaluing or undershooting for the level of marriage that you want.

Rachel: Which I think is what most people deal with. Then I, I think it's, that's the thing, is they haven't been modeled great marriage. Most of us have seen either we were modeled no marriage which is a terrible marriage, or a terrible marriage or, an okay marriage. very rarely have we seen people be model like, in this generation. Like, all I say this generation. Anyone that's alive that we're working with, right? Like, even if it was good, it's not where it could Like, the level of success and joy in that marriage was just okay. And

Austin: And I do actually feel sad even when you say that because we've also had this conversation with a lot of people. And I can't really recall anyone saying to us, "My parents had a phenomenal marriage." You know, they had this marriage that I looked at and I was like, that's the kinda marriage I wanna have. I'm not sure if anyone's ever said that to us you know, in the near, you know, 10 years, whatever, that we've been doing this.

Rachel: Yeah. I think people say, "My parents were good parents."

Austin: Yeah. "They're good parents," or like, "They love-"

Rachel: Or they don't want to say anything bad about their parents.

Austin: Right, or, "They loved each other." You know like, "My parents loved each other, and, like, they were happily married." But very few times I Well, I'm, I'm Let me back up there. I don't think ever anyone's ever said to me- "My parents had an incredible marriage, and I want to have a marriage just like theirs." You know? Yeah. And so- I think you're right, in that a lot of people have not been modeled really what a thriving, Christ-centered, highly intentional marriage looks like. Because if you think about it, again, like, maybe the core word for this episode can just be lifestyle, okay? And, I've actually been thinking a lot about, Todd White as we're talking about this episode and lifestyle Christianity. And if you don't know who Todd White is, you gotta go look up lifestyle Christianity. look up Todd White. I mean, God is doing amazing things through that man and through, his team. But, you know, I just keep thinking of the word lifestyle.

And anything in life- To develop it well requires a lifestyle. It, it requires styling your life around that thing. Like think about careers. Right? Like a lot of people put 30 to 60 hours a week into a career, and that's why their career is thriving. Some people put 30 to 60 hour- I mean, maybe not 30 to 60 hours. Some people put 5 to 10 to 15 hours a week into working out, and so that enables them to build a really incredible physique. Okay?

Rachel: Yeah, it's a lifestyle.

Austin: Yeah. People put 5, 10, 15, 20 hours a week into parenting, and so like they're seeing a lot of fruit in their kids. And I think a lot of people think that if you can focus on all those things, the byproduct will be a great marriage, but it's actually the opposite.

Rachel: It is. It's the opposite. If you focus on your marriage, the byproduct is all those things thrive because that energy in your marriage fuels everything else. And you know, we've made a T-shirt before. I wanna make m it was just for an event. so they're not on the market, but I, I think one of the next designs, I wanna do another one where it's like, "God, my marriage, everything else." Like, that is the order how it goes.

Austin: I thought we had shirts that said that. Am I crazy?

Rachel: No. That was a, that was a rough draft for our last one. Because we say it so much here and I love that that message is now like spreading. Like, it's, we hear it from other people. And it's, it's so awesome because God comes first, then our marriage, then everything else. If you have kids, they're after those two things. And, and your kids thrive when your marriage thrives. Like if you and I are not great like, their, like their world is, you know, in turmoil. If, you know, your parents are upset. I mean, think back to when your kids, when you were a kid, if your parents were ever like, not okay, you're like, "Whoa, is, what, what's going on?" You know? Because your life depends on them. And so when you guys are doing great, that, your kids just learn and thrive by watching you. And so when they watch you laughing together, having fun joking, flirting, being affectionate, and just like even figuring things out, like when we figure stuff out, most of the time we just, it's, we're in something, something happens, we figure it out, and then we move on.

And so we're modeling for our kids even just good, like communication and figuring things out.

Austin: Well, that's been an agreement of ours and, and a value that it'd be better if our kids see us have learning opportunities and work it out versus never seeing us ever have any issue ever.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Yeah, like the silent- Yeah. For, that's how I grew up. Like, I didn't know until it got real bad and you couldn't hide it. But like, I didn't know there was anything going on, but I never saw my parents work anything out.

Austin: Well, and I think that people like to silo off marriage, and they don't apply the same logic to it that they apply to everything else. Like, if you wanna become a really good soccer player, or if you wanna become a really good chess player or a really good guitar player or a really good artist, you know, those things require a lifestyle. You know? It requires time on the calendar, it requires budget allocation, and it requires energy allocation. And s and so for us, and, and this is why we have the membership program that we do, and I think this is why couples join it and never leave it because they realize that, wow, once I make my marriage a lifestyle decision then every, not only does everything else thrive, but I really understand the meaning of what God meant for marriage. You know, because when you build a lifestyle around your marriage, you have leverage. Not only does everything else thrive, but you're happier. And that, and more people ask you questions like, "Hey," like, "what do you do?"

Like, "Why do you tick the way that you tick? Like, you're actually happy. You don't get sucked into drama." "Like, your kids are happy." Like, "We see you thriving in different, in different ways." And anything less than a lifestyle, I don't think honors the marriage, not fully. You know? If we really mean that, you know, second to, you know, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and salvation and all that, let's put that in one bucket. But second to that bucket, if the greatest gifts Go- God has ever given someone, a married person, is their marriage you know, are we doing that blessing a service or a disservice? You know? Like, are we actually matching? If we look at how powerful and how beautiful that gift is, would our life reflect our, congruence in that belief? That our marriage really is the best gift we have. Are we nurturing it? Are we taking care of it? You know, it's like if you have a super nice car and you never clean it, you never change the oil, you never take care of it, you let the tires run flat.

You know, and you just kinda hope that at the end of the day you'll somehow magically have time to go change the oil, fill up your tires, or clean the car, but you never ever, ever do. You know, because you're thinking that, "If I can just get everything else good, then I'll have time and energy to, you know, wash the car."

Rachel: Yeah. It's a total afterthought.

Austin: Yeah. It is an afterthought. You know? And, and so, and I think there's a lot of negative advice. You know, I think there's a lot of false advice about, you know, that, you know, your marriage should just, you know, kinda run on its own, or your marriage should just be okay. Like, if you pray and if you read the Bible, like, God will fully sustain your marriage and you'll never have to really, you know, do anything. But, you know, the amount of Christian couples that we run into even, who on Facebook and at church and pulling up to church in the minivan, the whole thing really look like they have just the world's greatest marriage, but then behind closed doors it is a mess. And we have this conversation with couples all the time. Even really prominent couples that you'd look at and think, "Surely they don't struggle," but they do. But for some reason, they have allowed the pressure of the world to be stronger than the pressure or the mandate from the word of God to care for their marriage at the level that God tells them to care for their marriage at.

You know, it's like if your kids are involved in five different sports and you're serving every night of the week at church and you're working out seven times a day and, you know, you're involved in 50,000 things, but you literally

Rachel: And traveling for work and

Austin: Yeah. But if you literally don't have time to breathe- And pray with your spouse every day. Nurture your relationship with your spouse. Do a devotional. Be in a program like ours. Like d come do marriage coaching, like go to a marriage event, any of that stuff. You cannot be surprised when the marriage isn't working. You know? And again, there's, there's difference between not working and not working at the level it could be working at.

Rachel: Right. And I think the problem, well, a huge problem, is couples don't start now. They wait till there's a big problem and the pain gets so bad. It's like the, the car analogy. It's like you might hear a little tick under the hood, and you're like, "Oh, you know, I'm busy yada, yada, yada," and you make excuses. Well, then y your engine blows up, and you're like, "Oh, my gosh." And then they're like, "Well, your car's totaled." You know? And like, "Sorry."

Austin: Oof.

Rachel: "You're gonna have to get a new car." And i it's so sad for us that we see that over and over. Couples waited way too long. But honestly, we've been seeing this lately. There's a lot of couples that sought help, and they just got bad help.

Austin: And they got bad help. Yeah.

Rachel: And they finally find us, and we're like, "Guys, like we can do this." You know? like, "You can do it, but, like, we're gonna teach you how, but you're gonna do it," you know? But, yeah, it's, it's a s-i It's sad for us because there's those two things. Like, some people just aren't trying, but then there are some really great couples that have been trying. And they've been going to counseling, and it's just like talk therapy. They're not getting tools. They're not getting help. They're not getting, like actual conflict resolution. They're not getting, like mindset shifts and, and just, like the lifestyle piece, where it's like, "Hey, here's how you, here's how you change. Here's how you grow. Here's how you be intentional."

Austin: Yeah, and lifestyle is everything, not just scheduling, but it's even language. Like our marriage lifestyle has a language. And one thing that I'm really proud of, that I, I just, I probably don't share this enough, is it, you know, everyone that's, you know, that we work with, as I just see their language continue to just, with, without even noticing it, like it just becomes second nature.

Rachel: I love it.

Austin: Instead of saying things like, "Well, I need to serve my spouse," saying things like, you know, "Because I love my spouse, because I wanna honor God, and because I wanna have a thriving marriage, I'm going to invest more of my time and energy into my spouse." And they're just, like saying that naturally. Or they'll catch themselves. You know, they'll catch themselves in a thought where it's like, "Well, they, they did th well, actually, no, they didn't do that to me. I told myself a story that when, you know, they criticized the way that I cleaned up after, you know, dinner, I made up a story that based on how they criticized me, or that, that

Rachel: Gave me feedback

Austin: Th yeah that it was even criticism. Yeah. So then it's like, "I made up a story that it was criticism. It was actually feedback." "And they love me enough to tell me the truth and give me feedback." And so marriage is a lifestyle. It's all the way down to language. You know? And if you don't wake up every day thinking, "How can I further my marriage today?" You just- I, I, I've never really seen a couple do it. I've never seen a couple get to that place without their marriage really looking like a lifestyle. And it, it's not that this light bulb j recently went off in my mind, but I've noticed after the l you know, after the last six months or so in talking with couples, I'm like, "Yeah, it's, it's a lifestyle." It's, it's language. It's habit. It's schedule. It's resources. It's energy.

Rachel: It's how you communicate.

Austin: It's

Rachel: You're rewiring your brain

Austin: Yeah, you're rewiring your brain

Rachel: In a great way.

Austin: Yeah. Because our culture is not set up, to encourage you to focus on your marriage. You know, unless you're Amish and you literally live in the middle of nowhere, and even us, who we live out in the county, we live on land. We're kind of out in a little bit of Farmville. A lot of people have cowboy hats on, and they're chewing on straw, you know, and

Rachel: It's the best

Austin: That kind of thing. But even here, like when we drive into town, what, what do all the billboards talk about? Alcohol, drugs, addiction

Rachel: Food

Austin: Food addiction spending, commercialism, consumerism. And so we live in a wor and, and just busy-ism. Like, I would just call that busy-ism. You know, so you go into town. You go to Price Chopper, Hy-Vee, any of the grocery stores, and what's on the, what's on the racks? Magazines about Hollywood, magazines about fitness, you know, magazines about just

Rachel: Everywhere on your phone.

Austin: Yeah, and it's, oh, our phones are just a whole nother world. But everywhere you go, you, you're not ever seeing billboards, magazines, advertisements for, "Go home and love your spouse today. Go home and love your wife today." If you wanna change

Rachel: 'Cause you can't sell that, right?

Austin: Yeah. It's like if you wanna change the world, go home and be a great husband. Go home and be a great wife. Go home and be a great mother, a great father. Our world does not want that message because then, we wouldn't be so dependent on American consumerism. It's just true.

Rachel: Yeah, and great marriages are the heart of the nuclear family, which is the heart of a thriving America.

Austin: That, that is 100% right. So if you want to have a really, really powerful marriage, you've gotta realize that input equals output. You know, or out- I'm sorry, output equals input. And if you're not getting the output you want, the input is probably off. You know? And you might be afraid to pop the hood. I loved your car analogy. And to continue that analogy, yeah, the, you hear a tick under the hood. You don't check it. The engine blows up. And, you know, and when you said you had to get a new car, I know what you meant was not like, "Oh, you just go and get a divorce." But if you do get a

Rachel: Like, find a new spouse.

Austin: But, but

Rachel: That's not what I meant

Austin: Yeah, but if you, but if you do get a divorce, you probably are not going to fix the habit of not checking under the hood when you hear it knocking.

Rachel: 'Cause you weren't being intentional before.

Austin: Exactly, and it's your hood. And so that's why a lot of couples that get a divorce, they immediately find a different version of the same person. They get right back into the relationship, or

Rachel: Even if they're trying not to.

Austin: Even if they're trying not to.

Rachel: The subconscious will find someone that's like, "You gotta fix your stuff."

Austin: Yep. And then they'll hear the tick under the hood, and they won't check it again. You know, that's why the statistical likelihood of a second, third, fourth divorce skyrockets every time. You know? And so we've got to be the kind of people that are intentional, that are humble enough to realize it's not a knocking under your hood. It's knocking under my hood. You know, because there's no such thing as a, a bad marriage. There's just, or an unhealthy marriage. There's just unhealthy people involved in making the marriage. I think the other part of the lifestyle is if you want to have an incredible marriage, it has to become a lifestyle that you look at yourself first. You know, like even to this day, the you and I have an what I would call an incredible marriage. Every time I start to feel any type of, you know, ick or any type of like, "Oh, okay, Rachel said that," and I like I notice to myself

Rachel: Oh, she didn't like that

Austin: Having a reaction, the first thing I try to do, to the best of my abilities, is look at me first. How's my day been going? Am I stressed? How's my resilience level for the day? How's my energy level for the day? Like am I feeling Have I been criticizing myself? Have I not forgiven myself lately? Have I been hard on myself? Before I try to look to you about it, I try to look at what am I carrying around with me, what lenses do I have over my face that I might be looking at Rachel through? That's the lifestyle. Because what's beautiful is the ability to go, "You know what? I'm refusing to accept that attack as attack, and I'm going to accept that as a cry for love," and realize that if my wife is not treating me, if if if my story is that you're not treating me with love, you must be struggling.

Rachel: Yeah, and I really appreciate that you, most of the time actually, if we're in proximity to each other, you notice when something's off before I do which is like almost embarrassing to say. But like you know me so well, and sometimes I'm just getting stuff done. It's usually I'm getting stuff done, and you're like, "Babe, what's wrong?" I'm like, "Oh, I don't, hmm, I don't, I don't know." He's like, "You're kind of Something's going on. What's going on?"

Austin: I'm noticing this.

Rachel: Yes. And then you'll say, "I'm noticing you this, you know, is there something you need to share with me?" We've talked about this with withholding, you know. Like, "Is there something you, you need to share with me, something that happened earlier?" You know, and you just kind of help me get curious and then figure it out. And so I appreciate that you don't take it personally.

Austin: Plus, the other thing that's kind of obvious, if you're not just jumping all over me like 24/7, then sometimes I know something's going on.

Rachel: You're like, "Dude, she hasn't like

Austin: Yeah, she's not

Rachel: Hopped on my lap

Austin: I know. She's not

Rachel: Or grabbed me

Austin: She

Rachel: In some way."

Austin: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. she's not, you know, like a, like wrapped around my back like an orangutan, so something must be up. You know. And so but that's part of the lifestyle. Part of the lifestyle is, is building a culture within your marriage that that's what you look to. You know? Is that you look at what are you bringing with you into every situation in your marriage before trying to look for a way to blame your spouse for how you're feeling or what you think the state of the marriage, you know, even is. And part of the biggest part of the problem here, and I hope this doesn't super upset anyone, but if it does, it's probably because you agree with it a little bit, is that there's a lot of psychology in our work, in our church, in our communities, and in our hobbies that will make you feel guilty for not being, married to it. You know? So, you know, you and I have done a lot of work with helping people understand how to best engage their church, you know, as a volunteer, and also how churches on how to engage volunteers.

And so like for example, if you're volunteering at church all the time, and this could be a lot of things. If you're volunteering for your PTA, if you're volunteering for church, if you're volunteering, if you're doing extra hours at work, if you're volunteering at the local Boys & Girls Club, good things. These are all good things. Your local nonprofit. A lot of times what can end up happening is they are so grateful for you, okay that your main source of praise and appreciation could be at church because you've made it a lifestyle. It's like, "Well, I'm, I'm at church on Sundays. I got rehearsal Tuesday nights. I got

Rachel: It feels Yeah

Austin: I, I'm serving at the Wednesday service. I'm serving at the Saturday service." The, all that. And you make that your lifestyle. You get tons of praise for it.

Rachel: And it feels good to be needed.

Austin: And it feels good to be needed. And then if you ever don't show up, or if you ever start to take, if you ever start to cool off your commitment of serving, what phone call do you typically get?

Rachel: "Hey, we need you."

Austin: "Hey, we need you. Hey, where have you been?" "Hey, we miss you." It's like, "We miss you being here. We miss you volunteering. Like you're such an amazing volunteer. Like we need you back here." And it's like, so that becomes this invading lifestyle. Work is the same way. You crush it at work, everyone cheers, cheers for you. Okay? There's awards and accolades and all this stuff. Hobbies are the same way. And so everything is vying for this lifestyle position on your totem pole of life. And if your marriage, if your faith and your marriage aren't at the very top, the other ones will take over, and sometimes they'll accidentally take over in the form of something really, really good. But how many times, I'm just gonna say this till I'm blue in the face, how many times have we heard of these epic Christian couples having massive moral failure, losing organizations, losing churches, losing the pulpit, losing authority, losing ministry, losing influence because they put everything before their marriage?

Rachel: Yeah. And ev and pride. I mean, we haven't even mentioned pride, but it's like there's a misconception, especially among leaders, that like if people know you're getting help on your marriage, it's like I'm not a good leader. But actually, that's what good leaders do. They're like, "Guys, invest in your marriage. I do it every day."

Austin: They're loud and proud about it.

Rachel: Yeah. Like it's okay, f it's actually really, really good for you to model that you know that you're human. And that you know that you need input. Everyone needs a mentor. Everyone needs input. Everyone needs Well, I'm saying need, but if they want to be you know, living as Christ. See, here I am with the lingo. You know what I mean with the need. if they want to be modeling Christ and, and living that abundant life, you do need to be intentional. You, you have to to, to live that actual exceptional life. And so, yeah, it's, it's a good thing as leaders to be like, "Yeah, we get help." Like you and I we have people pouring into us. We're learning. We're constantly like, "Oh, there's an area I could heal. Oh, there's an area I could grow in."

Austin: Because it's a lifestyle.

Rachel: And yeah, and we're always going up. Because we're like, "Oh, here's something new. So now I'm seeing that this way that I used to do things doesn't serve me anymore." So then we go, here, here, here, here.

Austin: It, y

Rachel: It's like, "This doesn't serve me anymore. I'm gonna grow in this area," you know?

Austin: Yeah. You, this reminds me of, Ephesians 4:1, okay, when Paul, writes to the church in Ephesus and he says, "Therefore," let me make sure I get this right here. "Therefore, brothers, I urge you to live a life," and ac actually, I like the other translation better, "to walk in a manner worthy of the calling you have been given." This is something that we talked about on the h the husbands' and wives' separate calls this week, is Ephesians 4:1. "Therefore, brothers, I urge you to then walk in a manner that is worthy of the calling that which you have received." There's two really powerful things to that. Number one he's saying, "Live your life in a way that's worthy of the calling." Okay? That's that's thing number one. Live your life in a way that's worthy of the calling. Okay? To me, I think about the Navy SEAL frogman's code, "Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing. Moderation is for cowards."

Rachel: Yes. That's good for marriage. I like it.

Austin: Haven't I said that on

Rachel: Moderation Well, yeah, but just in this context it's like, heck yeah.

Austin: Yeah. Except for, you know, moderation

Rachel: If you're married

Austin: Is for cowards, except for things like food. You know? Spending. I was trying, yeah, I was trying to be funny there.

Rachel: But that is so good. And especially, like you if you're worth doing, you're worth overdoing.

Austin: Bam. That's my girl. But yeah, everything in life that's worth doing is worth overdoing. And so I think that's what Paul's saying here, and he's like, he says, "Live a life worthy," and then the other translation, which I think is ESV, is, "Walk in a manner that's worthy of the calling in which you've received." So the second powerful part of that scripture is the, the calling you've already received. Calling is identity, okay? So, like, if the calling is to come and be disciples of the one true King, to come into the family of God, into the Kingdom of God, that's an identity. That is a son of God, daughter of God, okay? That, that's a, that's a, that's a Christian. And so you've already been given the calling, so now it's time to live up to it. A lot of people, they will try to earn the title their whole life. They'll try to get to, they'll try to act a certain way try to get to the end of their life and just hope that by the very end of their life they can be like, "Yeah, I'm a son of God."

Like, "Yeah," like, "I'm a good man." Or like, "Yeah, I'm a good woman." But instead, because of the righteousness in Christ, Paul's telling you, you already are that thing. You already are a son of God. You already are a daughter of God. So live up to it. Live up to the calling. 'Cause even in, like, the life coaching world, like when we're doing life coaching work with people, you know, one of the greatest shifts, and I'm paraphrasing here, is to stop living your life to earn an identity and start living your life from an identity. If you wanna help mitigate things like anxiety and depression, and not having a purpose, and not feeling significance, and not feeling powerful, or whatever that is, you find alignment. And the way you find alignment is you, you establish the values that you live by, and then you make decisions that honor those values. It, it might seem overly simple, but it's actually that simple. And so we as Christians we derive our values from the Christian faith, from the word of God, and from the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

And so not only does Paul say, "Hey, live your life in a way that's worthy." Like, "You're, you're a son of God. Act like it. You know? Like, you're a son of God. Like t treat people that way. You're a son of God. Invest in your marriage like you're a son of God." You know, take

Rachel: Yeah. And Paul said, "Therefore, I urge you."

Austin: Yeah, I urge you.

Rachel: Like he was being like, "I'm serious about this." You know?

Austin: And, and, but, a and yeah, and then again he says, "Of the wor of the calling you've been given." That's a gift. Almost everything in life that's the greatest things that we've ever had, they're gifts. You know? We have the g the gift of, of God, the gift of salvation, the gift of the Holy Spirit. You are a gift to me, you know? And so I don't think I could ever earn you. Like, God gave you to me as a gift. And because I don't think I can earn you, then my alternative is I have to live up to it. I get to live up to it. So if I really think you're that great, which I do then in my mind I would think, "Well, only a really great man would get to be married to Rachel Holt." So I'm going to live up to that. Like, I'm going to, even if I don't feel like a great man- I'm gonna wake up every day and g and believe I am a great man, and I'm going to live up to being a great, godly man so I can best serve you.

So when I think about lifestyle, this is it. This is lifestyle. Like, Ephesians 4:1 is lifestyle. Live your life in a way that's worthy of the calling in which you have received. Because why would you do anything else? Right? And so if you're sitting there thinking, "Man," like, "I want this to be me. I want this to be us. Like, I, I wanna have a lifestyle of marriage," you can do it. And it will take some adjusting, okay? It might take some reprioritizing. It might take some reinvesting. It might take some shuffling around the calendar. It might take

Rachel: It'll take family meetings

Austin: Yeah, fam

Rachel: To sit down

Austin: Yep, family meetings

Rachel: And figure it out.

Austin: Changing commitments, changing agreements.

Rachel: And

Austin: Setting boundaries

Rachel: And talking to your kids about it. And you're modeling for them, 'cause s s so many parents, it's out of guilt. They're like, "Well, I don't wanna disappoint my kids," and like, "Oh, they'll be upset." Like, we've disappointed our kids so many times where we've said no to certain things. But they W what would you rather have? Kids that get disappointed, but their parents teach them about prioritizing the right things? Like, sit them down and talk to them about why it's important. You know, we have four kids, so we're like, you know, "We wanna care for all of you, but we also don't wanna run around ragged so that we're not available for you." So which is worse, disappointing your kids a little bit Having a tough but actually really awesome conversation where you get to teach them or running yourself ragged, not having a great marriage, and then waking up one day and being like, "What are we doing here?" Like, life is just, quote, unquote

Austin: Happening

Rachel: Happening to me.

Austin: Yeah. How many times have we sat down with someone and they've said, "Man, I feel like I just kinda wasted my whole childhood. Like, my whole childhood was a blur. I didn't even get a childhood." "I was so busy with dance and sports and commitments and art and music," and all those things, again, in moderation are great. Like, those things do develop people.

Rachel: Yeah, and I think parents' intentions are good

Austin: Are, are, are, are good

Rachel: For their kids.

Austin: Yeah. And then I think stuff gets in the way. There's certain thin

Rachel: Living vicariously.

Austin: Yeah, living vicariously and some ven you know, that type of thing.

Rachel: Wanting to look good. Wanting your kids to be smart and well, you know, versed.

Austin: Yeah, right. But as Christians, we're called to just lead them to God, period. And, and so again, I think going just back to the original question, how, how do we find time? How do we all that? And like I was just saying, it's being willing to restructure your life on the fly as you go to realign. 'Cause there's even times where you and I, like, you know, all of a sudden the plate kinda gets full, more full than usual, and we're like, "Whoa." It's kinda like when you're in a hot tub and you're loving the hot tub and then all of a sudden you're like, "Oh, eh, I'm out. Get me out of here." Like, but we're mindful of that.

Rachel: It's happened to us a few times.

Austin: We pay attention to that. We actually look for that part of lifestyle. And so there's times where we're like, "Whoa, hey, I'm realizing that a lot of our weeknights are

Rachel: It's getting warm in here, yeah

Austin: Yeah, it's getting warm in here. A lot of our weeknights are packed, and

Rachel: I don't like this feeling

Austin: Like I, like I feel like our, our plate's full. Sometimes I feel like saying, "Oh, Frodo, I just feel like two little butter spread out over too big a piece of bread."

Rachel: He's

Austin: I know he doesn't say it exactly like that, but it's something like that, you know? But, like we, we, we find ourselves sometimes in a, a situation where we're like we're spread thin so then we make shifts. So if you want your marriage to become your lifestyle, it will require changing up the calendar changing up where you spend your money, shifting some commitments, shifting some agreements and setting boundaries. And here's our guarantee: If you do this, if you make your marriage your lifestyle to where you know you're gonna spend X amount of hours, X amount of dollars, X amount of energy, X amount of X, Y, and Z every week on your marriage, we will guarantee you that your life will be better. Because when you nurture that ministry God has given you, everything else changes. Everything else just becomes in flow. How many times have we had the conversation, babe, I mean for real And again, none of this episode is rehearsed. This is all just off the cuff.

How many stinking times have we had the conversation where someone said, "You know what? We finally decided to start investing in our marriage. We finally decided to make our marriage a lifestyle," and whether they join our program or someone else's program, whatever, but they, they finally did something. And then what's the, what's the next thing they say?

Rachel: Life is good. Like, life is getting better. We're making more money, our kids are doing better.

Austin: And suddenly, a huge blessing comes out of nowhere. It's like every time. It's like every time. You know?

Rachel: It's like if you've, if you don't tithe, then you've been like, "Oh, I don't," you know, making excuses, and then you tithe. It's like God's like, "Wa-bam." Like, he's like, "Just watch me show up when you obey." You know? Like, it's like that. It's like when you put that prioritize when you prioritize your marriage in that way, God's like, "I've been telling you, this is the way I rigged the game." The blessings come. The awesome, like thriving happens.

Austin: Now, now sometimes you have to be willing to really look and find that blessing. Like, if you waited six years too late to start investing in your marriage, which is the national statistic, by the way. Most couples wait six years too late

Rachel: So much can happen in six years

Austin: To start working on their marriage. Then, you know, God may have a little bit of a few days in the wilderness for you to get some stuff straightened out, and that's okay.

Rachel: Might have to undo some things.

Austin: But when, again, I'm just repeating the question. That way I just stay on track here. How do you, how do you and I find the time, find the energy to invest in our marriage, to w to, to prioritize and focus on us? It is our lifestyle. We

Rachel: We create it.

Austin: Yeah, we create it. I identify as a married Christian man, a married Christian masculine man. Part of my identity is a married man because I chose the path to marriage back to God. And so my lifestyle is being a Christian and being Rachel's husband.

Rachel: Thanks.

Austin: That, that, I mean, you know, in all seriousness, like, that is my lifestyle. And as long as those two areas are nurtured, taken care of, in flow, everything else comes after that. And I have learned that if I do it in that order, that I get everything I want.

Rachel: Yeah, 'cause our kids are well-parented, like well cared for. Like, when we s say that, you might think, "Well, well, do they neglect their kids, or do they neglect things?" Like, we're hardworking. We're super present. Like, and so when we reprioritize our schedule and free things up for us, like, guess what we have more of? We have emo more emotional availability for our kids. We're not worn down. Like, we are also freeing up our calendar for them. And when we are really intentional with fewer activities for them, it's, it's awesome because we can be more present for them. You know? And when we're great, we're more present. When we n when we're in flow, like, we're just there, and we're, we're able And that's what our kids need more than anything. They need our presence. And presence and not just like, "Hey, I'm here at the game." It's like, "I'm here. I don't have my stuff calling the shots internally, my brain. You know, I'm here.

I'm with you. I'm present."

Austin: It's like yesterday when Caroline was kinda having her meltdown about cleaning her room. Like, you know, I just got down on her level, and, well, I talked to her a little bit, and she really didn't wanna do it, and I said, "Okay, here's, here's all I want you to do. I want you to pick up one thing." "And then when you do, I want you to come back to the door and go, 'Daddy, I picked up one thing.'" Okay? And so we shrunk this big thing all the way down to a doable task. Those of you who've ever struggled with ADD, ADHD, or even OCD or procrastination or precrastination or any of these things, You know, even anxiety, one thing that we teach people and work with people on is how to shrink something all the way down into a doable step. And then you do one thing, you get a little dopamine. Your brain's like, "Ooh, that felt good." So then it turned into, "All right, Caroline, when you do two things, tell me."

"When you do three things-"

Rachel: And we cheered

Austin: Tell me."

Rachel: We were like, "Woo-hoo. Yay."

Austin: Yeah. 'Cause she was a little emotionally dysregulated. It took her a minute to get back and forth. We were present in the room with her for that. You know? And so, that's just a byproduct. That's a byproduct of marriage being a lifestyle. And so my, I think my biggest piece of advice, other than what you all might think I would say, which I mean put God at the center of your marriage. You know, you and I pray together, nearly every day. We check in with each other nearly every day. we are very centered around our relationship with Christ. I mean, everything that we do in our, our marriage program, every call opens with prayer, everything is, is Christ-centered. I mean, that is the ultimate thing. What's so ultimate about that thing, about that aspect of creating a great marriage, is the application of that. So if you are a man or woman of God and Christ is at the center of your marriage, what is the applied outcome of that?

What is the applied action steps of that? And that's the lifestyle, okay? Jesus said, "Come follow me." He said in Matthew 16:24, you know, he said, "Take up your cross and come follow me." And I think, I think you could look at taking up your own cross in a lot of different lights, but a lot of that is like, "Submit your life to me." You know, "Kill away anything, strip away anything that would keep you from following me." "Following me means mimicking me. It means being with me. It means engaging with me." And so what I think is just of paramount importance is to realize that number one, Christ has to be at the center of your marriage, if you wanna have a powerful marriage. I've never seen someone pull off an incredible marriage that wasn't Christ-centered. I'm just, I'll just say that right now. Number two, in that similar fashion, the way that you model a lifestyle to be a Christian, you model a lifestyle, to be a married person.

And if that's what you think about, if that's what your heart is meditating on, then everything else from there will align to it. And then, like you said earlier, just the blessings flow from there, you know? And again, like we've said in past episodes, it's not some prosperity gospel. It's a righteousness gospel. It's because of Christ you can be righteous. You can actually finally do the right things in life. And when you do the right things in life, God honors you for it. And if you don't believe us, just try it. Try it for 30 days, and if it doesn't g it doesn't work, call me, okay? and so yeah, I think that's, I think that's just the big message, like, the big secret. There's so many strategies. There's so many techniques. If you just had to try this on for 30 days, make your marriage a lifestyle, you know? It's, it And no one bats an eye at 40 hours a week at work.

No one bats an eye at volunteering or serving at church for 10 or 20 hours a week. No one bats an eye at, you know, going to basketball practice seven times a week. No one bats an eye at, you know, going to dance lessons six times a week and spending thousands of dollars on classes and dresses and all this stuff. I mean, no one, no one bats an eye at that. But all of a sudden, you tell them, "Hey, you should spend a couple hours a week and, you know, a couple hundred bucks on your marriage, a month on your marriage," and they're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's crazy. We can't afford that." It's like, not yet. Not yet you can't afford it, because you haven't reprioritized. You haven't established what you value the most. Discipline is making choices based on what you want the most versus in a moment. And once you realize what you want the most is an incredible marriage, you could afford anything.

Rachel: So before we do the nonprofit shout-out, I really, there's something I wanted to say earlier, is, you know, all this stuff that we're talking about, we're not coming at a place of just telling you to do it. We're coming from a place of learned experience. We're coming from a place of, this is what we do. You know, the question was, how do we find the time and energy to invest in our marriage? And it's because it's a priority. We value it. We prioritize it. And we take, we have taken drastic steps. We're not saying, like, it's just look at your calendar. Like, you may have to take some drastic steps in your life, like moving.

Austin: Moving.

Rachel: You might need to move.

Austin: Changing careers.

Rachel: You might need to quit your job and, and switch to something that more suits your family.

Austin: Take up your cross and Oh, sorry.

Rachel: But, like, we, a couple years ago, we moved from our home in town, and we, we literally sold it and bought a fifth wheel and moved so we could move to our land. Because it was more important to us, like, looking successful, having a big nice house, being in town, was not as important to us as raising our kids well living a simple life. and of course, we built our dream home while we were doing that. But, like, we wanted to live

Austin: But we lived in a camper.

Rachel: We lived in a fifth wheel for two years

Austin: For two years

Rachel: With six people. And I mean, come on.

Austin: Gosh, we did it.

Rachel: And so ask us anything. But

Austin: We do have a fifth wheel for sale if anyone wants to buy one.

Rachel: For this week. Who knows? It's, it's going hot.

Austin: Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like 50 offers.

Rachel: Come place the offer now. Yeah.

Austin: Yeah. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Rachel: No, but, we, we did that. We took drastic steps because we literally sold everything. We didn't put stuff in a storage unit. We had a shipping container we put stuff in.

Austin: In a little cabin.

Rachel: We got a tiny little cabin where we had our office and our laundry and, like, my Costco shelves, and we did just some storage stuff. But it was like a she-shed, like a big one. We sold everything. I really felt like that scripture, right? Like- "Leave everything to follow me." It was like, "I have no attachment to things. I'm just gonna let go of this." It felt really good. But we did that because we wanted our kids to be on land. We wanted to live a simpler life. We knew that that was the step to getting to where we are now, which is a really automated life. We have built everything in our home and our farm to serve us really well. We think about flow in everything. We'll modulate something if we're like, "There's some resistance there. That takes too much time. How could I simplify this?" Even as far as, like, the way things are set up in our home. Like we will do whatever we think we need to do to make life easier- We always pay attention, like where is resistance, where is flow?

And one of those things was moving out to the land. We wanted our kids to be able to run outside in their underwear. We wanted chickens.

Austin: Yeah, we wanted, yeah, we wanted chicken. We used to have chickens

Rachel: We wanted our kids

Austin: At the previous house and and we wanted chickens again and, but yeah, I mean, we have taken

Rachel: Wanted them outside

Austin: We've taken drastic steps to prioritize our marriage, and God has really blessed us for that. Like, and it's all to the glory of God. Like, even just the idea of we just built this beautiful home, just this really nice custom house, and we were in, we were just- God was so obviously like, "Hey, you know what? Sell that, buy a camper and move to your land." And so we did it. and it, you know, we lived in it for about a year, and then built a house for about a year or actually eight months. but, and built the house, and now we're in it. And, you know, just seeing God's hand in all that, has been really powerful, you know? And so all that to say I, I, we just wanna encourage anyone listening to this, take a drastic step. It's like you'll never regret it. You'll never regret doubling down on your marriage. You'll never regret doubling down on your family. But statistically speaking, you will regret if you spend your entire life chasing a career chasing money, chasing fame, chasing some, anything other than God and anything other than your spouse.

If you chase that, you will be dissatisfied. I know that because I do coaching and executive coaching for pretty heavy hitter people. And for people all the way across the spectrum of, of whatever you wanna call the spectrum. and by the grace of God, I get to do that with, with men, and Rachel with women. And I can tell you, you will regret it. That's what you will actually regret, is doubling down on anything other than your faith in God, the Kingdom of God, and your marriage. All right.

Rachel: Very well said.

Austin: Who's today's, nonprofit shout-out?

Rachel: All right. Our nonprofit shout-out is one dear to our hearts because we know one of the people that runs it. and actually she's married to the guy who runs God's Bucket Brigade

Austin: Another non, yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Rachel: Who we have shouted out on here. So cute little nonprofit couple here, the Higginbothams. The, the shout-out is Garments of Praise, and it's based on the scripture Isaiah 61:3, and so that is the website is613.com. And what they do is they provide clothing for other nonprofits that are actively being the hands and feet of Jesus. So I believe they have different connections with, retailers, and they get basically, like, new clothes in, in bulk from places. And then they are dispersing those to, like, homeless shelters like God's Bucket Brig- Brigade. they're doing all kinds of really cool stuff, and just being the hands and feet of Jesus and clothing people. Isn't that so, so cool? Such a beautiful thing, to be able to clothe those who are in need. And so I love the name, love the mission. And so if you found this episode beneficial, if you enjoyed it at all, go to the link. We have it in the podcast description. Click that link.

Donate $5. Of course you can do more. We always encourage more, but even if it's just $5, we want you to just go and donate $5 as a thank you.

Austin: So, thank you, Rachel. And so today's big action item is this, and we really want you to do, to do this. if you're the kind of person that would take action on this action item, I truly believe that you could do anything is take a moment after you listen to this episode. sit in a quiet place or in your car. Maybe you're sitting in the garage at home, or you're in bed, or wherever you are, maybe work, on your break. I just want you to journal for a minute. And if your marriage is not your lifestyle, and you'll know if it's not, okay? And I know everyone's a work in progress, and we're all working towards X, Y, and Z. But the there has to become a defining moment in your life where you decide, like, am I all in or am I out? I can't live one foot in, one foot out on my marriage, on my faith. And what we want you to do is journal.

Journal for 10 minutes. What would your life look like? How would your life be different if your marriage was your lifestyle? Okay? If we, if, if someone asked you on a stage in front of a million people, "Tell me how exactly your marriage is a lifestyle," and you could tell them, what would that look like? What would your marriage as a lifestyle look like? How would your life change? How might your life improve? How might your relationship with your spouse improve? Your kids, if you have kids? How would your work improve because your marriage is, is prioritized? How would your health improve? How would your faith improve? How would your generosity improve? How would your gratitude improve? Just spend five to 10 minutes journaling, and just humor us here. If your marriage became your lifestyle, or if you looked at and treated your marriage as lifestyle, what would change for you? How would God show up for you? How would God bless you? And how could you impact the Kingdom of God and the people around you?

And, how would your life, from any juicy, detailed way, get better and better and better because you are choosing to make your marriage a lifestyle? That's your action item.

Rachel: All right. Well, thank you for listening today. We appreciate all of you. You can give a thumbs up, a star, a review. We'd love to hear from you. If you're on YouTube, comment. and we will see you next time.