Coffee with Rachel

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Austin: Hey, everybody, Austin and Rachel Holt here, and welcome back to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast. We are your hosts, and I am especially excited about today's topic, because today we're going to be having a coffee with Rachel. And I'm going to interview her with no prep, no notes, no nothing like that, and you just get to peer into her amazing heart and soul and mind that I get to peer into every day, all day, every day. So it's gonna be a real treat today.

Rachel: So grab your beverage of choice.

Austin: Which neither of us have coffee

Rachel: I know

Austin: But that's okay

Rachel: That's why I laughed. I was like, mine is water. And you have an energy drink.

Austin: And mine is this sweet new energy drink that has no artificial sweetener but just monk fruit. 'Cause I have made a commitment to have no artificial sweeteners. It's bad for the brain. You know what I'm saying? So, all right. Let's kick this off with an appreciation.

Rachel: Hmm. Of myself, from me?

Austin: Yes, yes. I would like you to appreciate

Rachel: I

Austin: You.

Rachel: Yes. Okay, one thing I really appreciate about myself is my determination to grow and my commitment to that, so no matter what happens in life, looking back on all of my life, I see how no matter the difficult circumstances, no matter the outside stressors, no matter what people said about me, even no matter what trauma was coming up for me- I buckled down and did the hard thing, the air quotes hard thing of growing through it and learning through it. Again, why you and I call conflict, what most people would refer to as conflict, we call learning opportunities. Because that is exactly what it is, and I think the more that our listeners get tuned in here and learn with us, they'll see, oh, my gosh, it is. It's a learning opportunity. So- I do really appreciate about that about myself because it has been one of my greatest assets.

Austin: Yeah, I agree. One thing I appreciate about you is that, you are really, really good at just holding space for people, and I know everyone says that about everyone, and I don't know if it's always true, but for you it's really, really true. you are really, really good at, like, holding space for people. And so, like, for example, over this last week while we were leading a marriage event in down in Mexico, like I'm We're both natural teachers. Like, that's for sure. I think our style when we're, like, leading rooms together is that I'm more the natural Like, I'm more the dominant teacher, and you're a lot more of, like, hey, like, I'm gonna pay really close attention to, like, every heart and every person in the room and just find moments to, like, really land planes and, like, really connect dots for people. And I really appreciate that you have, like, found that groove in our, in our teaching style over the last, you know six, seven years because it's really powerful because for me, like, it's easy for me to just, like, teach and teach and teach and teach and teach and teach and go and go and go and go and go, and a lot of times you, like, help me slow down, and you're like, "All right, and you over there, you, yeah, you, how does that land for you?"

And you're just really good at, again, connecting dots for people and just helping it land and really soak in, whereas sometimes, like, my natural inclination is like, well, we gotta give them more information. And, like, and I, I love transformation. I mean, I'm a coach and I've done this for, you know, over 10 years. But I just really appreciate, like, our style together, that we really balance each other in that way, but you just have this really beautiful way of just connecting with people, even just strangers, you know, and just getting them into a place of, like, being willing to learn and be humble and to receive. It's just really magical to watch, so I appreciate that about you.

Rachel: Mm. Thank you.

Austin: Good. You're welcome.

Rachel: I'm just along for the ride today.

Austin: Just along for the ride. This is my dream.

Rachel: What's next? Hit me.

Austin: This is my dream and you're living it. All right. So, okay, I've got a few questions prepared for you, and we're gonna just kick this off with, with Rachel, what do you enjoy doing when you're not working?

Rachel: Hmm. I really like decorating our home. I like being with our children, like, extra and

Austin: Eh, that doesn't count. I mean, we all know you love our kids.

Rachel: Just, like, extra intentional time with each of them where I'm just hearing their hearts and connecting with them. Like, to me, that fills me up. When I'm momming all four of them at the same time, there's more Like, yeah, that's, like- I'm not using my creative juices to, like, bless my heart. Like

Austin: You stopped breathing when you talked about that

Rachel: Helping them learn and grow and learn how to communicate and take care of their s their bodies and their siblings and the home. Anyway, I really like being creative in, whether it's in writing or, how I'm working out with, like, Pilates, stretching, you know, dancing. I enjoy watercolor brush pens and making, like, cards so that whenever a special occasion comes up, I already have a greeting card. And it was handmade, so it's like a gift within a gift, you know? I like doing that. I like being really thoughtful. I enjoy You know, we talk about zones of genius a lot.

Austin: Gift giving.

Rachel: I love giving gifts, which is great 'cause I use that for our profession. so I love being super thoughtful, finding the right thing, just surprising people. I love doing things for other people, like bringing them meals or goodie baskets or gifts or, like, you know, when a friend is going through a rough time, just saying, "Hey," like, "I'm in the area. I'm at the coffee shop. What can I get you?" You know, or stuff like that. that fuels me and that gives me energy.

Austin: Yeah. It's awesome.

Rachel: I love being around people.

Austin: Yeah. That's great. That's great. Anything else that you

Rachel: Also sometimes I will just go to a coffee shop and sit by myself. Even though I'm not an introvert, everyone needs that, like- Time away of stillness to reflect. And I like going

Austin: Everyone needs it or

Rachel: Well, I need it, yes I'm speaking for myself. and I enjoy going on walks on our land, just refueling, just being in God's presence and enjoying nature.

Austin: And dipping your toes in the river.

Rachel: Yeah. I do.

Austin: All right, so Rachel, next question. If you could solve any problem in the world, what would it be, and why?

Rachel: Sex trafficking. the problem of pornography and sex trafficking go hand-in-hand. And to be able to solve those, both of those, kinda lumping them together, would have massive impact because it is such a massive problem. you know, pornography affects so many people, like, as far as addictions go, but then that addiction is fueling the sex trafficking industry, and that's why, you know, I'm so thankful for you and what you're doing to help men with porn addictions. and I really see that we're doing our part to help with that. Because it does start with the pornography addiction because that's fueling and financing the sex trafficking industry. And I think for a lot of men to even know that and recognize that, some don't realize what their addictions are doing in fueling. so it's important because it's, it's humans. It's women and children that are not I mean, they're being exploited, and they're in terrible, horrific trauma situations repeatedly you know? And yeah, for them to be able to just live the life that, you know, God has for them would be amazing, for them to experience freedom for both people who are addicted to pornography to experience freedom from that and then also for actual victims to be free.

I mean, yeah, that's What more could you ask for?

Austin: Yeah. Well, yeah, and my goal today is not to speak much, 'cause I want today to only be about you, but I appreciate what you said in that most men don't realize that what they think might be a somewhat benign problem with pornography is fueling the sex industry, the sex trafficking industry. there's actually been studies, correlations, you know economical studies that link it all together, and, and, I remember, you know, probably a decade ago when I heard that, it was, like, one of the most impactful things on my life ever. To think that, like, you know, something that a lot of men think is harmless, at least to other people, like, I think they know it's harmful to themselves and to their own marriage, but it's not just harmful to themselves and to their own marriage. It's literally fueling the worst evil in the world. So, I appreciate and actually

Rachel: That's what I was gonna say. It's the most evil. It's the darkest evil.

Austin: Well, I agree with you. That is a great problem, and we're gonna do everything we can to solve it. So, all right, so next question. What was one of the most defining 60-second moments of your life?

Rachel: Oh, defining? Probably when you walked into Scooter's.

Austin: Ooh. Yeah, bam.

Rachel: I mean, that, like, really set the trajectory of my life. So, I mean

Austin: So tell us about that moment

Rachel: I mean, you just walked in, and you were all handsome and stuff. You had a cross necklace on. You know, your your sweater was a little.

Austin: Was it this cross necklace?

Rachel: It was.

Austin: Bam. I'll leave this thing open.

Rachel: And, you know, you pulled up in your nice car. I was 19 at the time. All the guys that were either interested in me or I was interested in, the funny thing is they say lived in their mom's basement, but you actually lived in your mom's basement at that time

Austin: I did

Rachel: But you were super successful. We both lived with our parents until we got married 'cause we were like, "If they let us live here, why wouldn't we live here?" Like, we love our family, and it's free rent.

Austin: Put that money in the bank. Oh, but, yeah, I love my family, yeah.

Rachel: Right, yeah, mm-hmm. but I was like, "Dude, this guy's not, like, loafing through life." Like, he's getting stuff done, so, and you made me laugh within the first, like, 10 minutes. I was laughing so hard I was crying, and yeah, I was like, "I could marry this guy," and I'd never said that about a dude in my head.

Austin: Like, with my Optimus Prime sunglasses?

Rachel: Stop.

Austin: Do you remember that moment?

Rachel: Oh, yes, I do. Let's

Austin: What? That was a hilarious moment.

Rachel: It was. but- Now I'm distracted. yeah, I really respected you immediately because you were open about your faith, you were funny, you were clearly successful, and I had some attraction to you, so here we go, shaking my hand.

Austin: Handshake. Handshake is happening. All right. That's a good That's a great answer.

Rachel: Mm, thank you.

Austin: Best answer yet. All right. What other or major life experiences have shaped who you have become?

Rachel: Definitely my parents' divorce and definitely my brother's death. Those were the two hardest things, that I've ever been through, and both of them, it's like, it's not a one-time thing, like, "Oh, that happened that one time." It's The divorce that my parents, that our family experienced and went through was really traumatic, and the ripple effects of that I'm still experiencing today. However, what it did for me was unearth a lot of things. like, one of the things it unearthed that took me years to figure out was that I was so secure in my parents being married forever. Like, they never joked about divorce. They never They were like, "We don't even joke about it." They never talked about it, even though, like, in hindsight, yeah, my parents did not have a great marriage. Like, I wasn't modeled healthy marriage. However, in my mind as their daughter, I never thought they would get a divorce. I just didn't because they were Christians. When you get married, you never get divorced.

Like, that was, you know, that's how it was. And so for that rug to be pulled out from underneath me a year and a half into marriage- It really rocked some things and unsettled what seemed to be, like, the most solid foundation. And so I had a hard time even giving you, like, my fullest trust and deepest love, and accepting your deepest love really, because I was subconsciously afraid that what you said wouldn't be true because I believed my parents. And it wasn't true, and it was taken from me as an adult. Like, what was I? 22? And so that was a lot. And you know, a lot of healing, and I'm super thankful for that journey because of course it led us to what we do now. It led us to Really, you know, pain makes you pay attention. It helped us pay attention and dig really deep super early on in our marriage, and I believe that's why we're here today. I know God used that, which is pretty awesome because He does work all things together for the good of those who love Him and who submit their lives to His authority and seek it out.

And that's what we did. And for other people, experiences like that would crumble them forever. But for us, we've created something awesome, and the ripple effects of that, we'll never even know. Like how awesome what we've created through that super deep pain. And, like, unearthing trauma that was already there, you know? Yeah, the effects of it are, we'll never really know the extent of it.

Austin: Yeah, and I, and, and, and I think this is probably just a, maybe just a semantics thought here, but I would say that what we're doing now wasn't born out of that tragedy. It was really born out of God's will for our life. And it's like God knew that- He put that into our plan knowing what would unfold, and as things unfolded, it just further fueled like, and it was almost sort of like some of our proving ground, testing ground, like development, you know time. And now we talk to couples literally every single day, and we're helping marriages and, and couples every single day. And a lot of the pain that we went through during that, especially you, you know, because of that, we then sought out tools and counsel and strategies to get through that, and now we're using that. And instead of it taking years of, instead of a couple having to suffer for, suffer for years for certain things, we can help them through it in an hour, you know?

In, in, in chunks of an hour at a time, experience what took us six months, a year, two years, three years, five years of certain things to get through. So, like, God really glorified all that pain, which I think is really cool.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. And then the second moment would definitely be when my brother passed away. it was a motorcycle accident, and so super sudden and super unexpected. and that also unearthed just grief in itself on a different level than I'd ever experienced. And again, using that to now have a felt sense of what grief is, and to be able to help people through that in a deeper way. I could help people through grief before, but now I've walked that path in a very deep, deep way, having gone through such a close loss. so that was, yeah, very, I guess impactful to my life. And God has used it for good, healing opportunities, growth opportunities. And then you and I growing a lot through that together, and even our kids, and giving us clarity on what we want in life, like deeper clarity on what's most important.

Austin: That's good. That's really good. Any other major life experiences that you wanna talk about that have shaped who you have become? What about, purity camp? That's my favorite laugh of yours 'cause I know you thought what I just said was funny. What about purity camp?

Rachel: Okay, no, stop. Oh my gosh. well, I, okay, it wasn't called purity camp, but I did go

Austin: Homemaker camp.

Rachel: It was basically

Austin: Submissive wife camp.

Rachel: Shh.

Austin: What was it called?

Rachel: Oh my gosh. I don't even know. I don't even know what it was called, but it was a week camp that I went to at some good friend of ours, friends of ours', Airbnb out in the middle of nowhere country, and we literally did all the homemaking things.

Austin: How old were you when this happened?

Rachel: I was 13. Now, I had been baptized, and that you, I was about to talk about my faith in God. and I was baptized when I was 11. I was young. I didn't know a lot about life yet or Jesus, and a lot happened in those two years. And when I went to this camp, they really fostered self-discipline, being in the Word working hard, getting up early and spending time with Jesus. And so that was actually kinda the first time It's like my dad got up early and read the Bible, but I don't ever remember him or my parents necessarily being like, "Hey, get up early. Spend time in the Word." Like, "This is what you're doing." Nobody was like, "This is what you're doing because we're fostering this habit," you know? But at camp when I was 13, they did, you know, it was like, "You're getting up. You're making your bed. You're going out to spend time with Jesus for," I think it was like 30 minutes or an hour.

Austin: Awesome.

Rachel: And when you're 13, like, that's a really long time.

Austin: Yeah. It's a long time for me

Rachel: A freaking long time

Austin: And I'm 35.

Rachel: And so that time outside, like we would, I'd sit on a hay bale one day. I'd sit, you know, in a quiet corner of a garden or

Austin: Well, you sat on the hay bale as long as your ankles couldn't be seen with your hula hoop dress.

Rachel: Stop, no. That was not a thing.

Austin: Is that not period correct?

Rachel: No, I, I wasn't volunteering at Missouri Town 1855.

Austin: Oh, that's another thing we should probably talk about.

Rachel: That is a fun

Austin: But, but

Rachel: Aspect of my homeschool roots reenacting. Okay. so

Austin: We're getting somewhere

Rachel: Fostering that time in the Word, I remember coming home and I was like, "Dad, do I need to get re-baptized?" Because, like, I felt like I re-gave my life to Christ that week. and he was like, "No," and like talked me through that, and I really appreciated his, his heart in leading me there. but I felt a different depth of connection with Jesus, a different, like, fostered Like I hear- I heard God speak, you know? I think that's the youngest I remember, like, having intentional time with God and hearing Him speak to me. So, yeah, that was a very impactful thing in my life, and ever since, that's a habit that I've had and enjoy a lot.

Austin: That's awesome.

Rachel: So my faith in Christ is the biggest, most, defining choice that I've made in my life. And of course, through that, all this other stuff that I've been talking about so far has been what it has been because of Christ and because of my faith, because of the way that He leads me, guides me, gives me that incredible peace that passes understanding. Like, in my parents' divorce and in my brother's death, that peace that passes understanding was like It took on a new depth for me. And so yeah, there's Everything that I've been through, I would not be where I am without that rooting love of Christ, His peace, His faithfulness, and His, like, gentle care of me to teach me and lead me and guide me, and honestly give me you to bless me.

Austin: God gave me you.

Rachel: That was really good.

Austin: Oh, thanks.

Rachel: Yeah, to help me through that because yes, a cord of three strands is not easily

Austin: Is not easily broken

Rachel: Broken. He's singing now. Is that a song?

Austin: I don't know.

Rachel: Okay. All right. Yeah, that concludes

Austin: No, it's not

Rachel: That's my answer. Okay.

Austin: But- I think the people really wanna know more about this whole Missouri Town- 1855 reenacting.

Rachel: Okay. So I

Austin: Give us just like a

Rachel: It was a blast. My f my mom was super into, and my dad with her, you know, just kinda supporting, but I think he got into it. Missouri Town 1855 is this old-timey, like, village in Missouri.

Austin: Is it a town?

Rachel: It's a town. It's a Missouri town.

Austin: It's a Missouri town.

Rachel: And

Austin: From what year?

Rachel: Stop.

Austin: Sorry. Just messing with you.

Rachel: Trying to answer. Okay. Um

Austin: Missouri Town 1855.

Rachel: Yeah, so they had the Missouri Town Contra Dancers. Contra Dance

Austin: Contra meaning contraception

Rachel: It sounds like contraband.

Austin: No contraception.

Rachel: And so we would practice, like, once or twice a month, and it was like square dancing, and it was a lot of fun. And it was kinda like the homeschool social meetup. So

Austin: Yeah, contraception

Rachel: You know, you'd get to

Austin: Sounds about right.

Rachel: You'd get to touch other people's hands.

Austin: Oh, shoot. No.

Rachel: So anyway, it was fun. I enjoyed it, dressing up in hoop skirts and, like, the whole frilly getup. And then we would volunteer at major events like Fall Festival, the sheep shearing day, you know. I don't know. We would just have a lot of fun. So then I That was probably, like, my earliest acting or leading was telling people about how they'd take a bath with

Austin: Churning butter or

Rachel: 25 cents at the yeah, or like, yeah, teaching people how to churn apple butter or whatever. Yeah, so, and performing our fancy dances.

Austin: Your fancy dances.

Rachel: So that was, that was a fun part of life growing up.

Austin: I love it. And even to this day now you have goats and donkeys and chickens and we've made our own butter before, so man, look at this. It's

Rachel: Just crushing it

Austin: Just recreating all the best parts of your childhood, you know?

Rachel: I was gonna say, I There's this meme or graphic I'd love to create. Adulthood is, like, just recreating the best parts of your childhood and healing the worst.

Austin: Yeah. That's real.

Rachel: Like healing the trauma and recreating the best.

Austin: I love that.

Rachel: And that's what my life is. I've literally recreated all the best parts of my childhood, and I've healed/healing anything else that comes up, the worst parts.

Austin: That's really powerful. What's one of the most powerful shifts you lead women through?

Rachel: Hmm. There's so many. I'm just gonna have to spitball some. Radical responsibility is huge. Learning to take responsibility for what you contribute in your marriage and how you you're experiencing the results of your deepest commitments in life. So whatever you're experiencing, it's like that/not being a victim is huge. Like, you're a powerful human being. You're not a victim to your circumstances. There may be things like outside stressors, but you can either choose to stay in that environment or change your environment. So, but that's part of taking radical responsibility. It's, "Okay, I'm responsible for what I experience. I'm ex responsible for the results of my life. So if I don't like them, I'm not gonna sit here and be a victim about it. I'm gonna change them and do something about it." so that's a big one. I think also helping women, I think especially today where there are so many people healing from maybe this un not maybe, for sure, this unhealthy view of how marital roles should be in the ch church.

Like, for Christians, for us as Christians, Christ says, you know, "The man is the head of the marriage, and the woman submits." And even those words can trigger people because it's been misused, and there's a lot of really abusive marriages where the man doesn't listen to the wife. Th they're, they're not even on the same page. The wife is just, like the servant, you know? And they're not on the same team creating life joyfully together. And so, however, I think there's a pendulum swing that some people have had where the woman's taking over certain things. She's not respecting her husband in the way that she speaks to him, treats to him, even they make decisions together. and so then there's this role e reversal or neutralization where the wife takes over certain things or is not really just respecting her husband. and again, like, we don't agree with the book Love and Respect. Don't, don't go read it. Like, if you wanna learn about this, we'd be happy to chat with you about it. however, when I say this, the man really does, is fueled by, and feels deeply honored and loved by honor and respect.

As a woman, it's more of the nurturer, the feeler, love, tenderness, care really helps a wife feel loved. And so, but I think this gets, muddled. And the two pendulums, I think couples have a hard time finding the balance sometimes. And, and when two couple, when two people are married, they have kids, or they have businesses, or they're doing stuff together, and just life commitments, all of that, it's super easy. I'm sure we've talked about this before, where utility comes into play. There's, like, "Okay, we gotta do this. We're going this place. Did you feed the cats?" Like, "Did you shut the chicken coop?" You know? All these questions at the end of the day instead of allowing, romance, instead of allowing connection. And then also, sometimes the female takes over duties and becomes more masculine, and the masculine becomes more feminine, basically in the ways that they're doing things in the ways that they're handling things, even the way that their brain is processing things, because m maybe out of necessity or out of just, s avoiding positive or negative, avoiding negative attention or conflict and trying to gain positive attention.

And so then what happens is instead of this, like, magnetism of, like, the man is the masculine and the wife is the feminine. Like, he's the leader, and she's trusting. It's this, like, we're both kind of bleh, we're the same so there's not this, like, mm, crazy attraction energy. And so, you know, you help men be the masculine, but a lot of the shifts that I help women with is recognizing where they've taken on things as the masculine and recognizing how they can be more feminine how they can respect their husbands more, trust him. And this is all while we're teaching, right, being on the same page, win-win agreements. You know, it's not we're saying, "The man is, you know, rules with an iron scepter and the woman just needs to submit." It's not that at all. So I wanna make sure that's super clear. But it is females were made to be feminine. And we love, like, our man just sweeping us up our f off our feet, twirling us around.

But that can't happen if you're taking over things or you're like, "Well, I'm just gonna do it," or you're micro saying, "I don't trust you"- with the ways that you correct your s husband or cut in and do things. I appreciate your leadership in this to help me grow when I haven't. You know? Everything we teach, we teach from a place of we've learned it, we've grown through it, because otherwise we wouldn't be able to teach it if we hadn't walked through that ourselves. so yeah, the more that I step into my feminine and the more that I honor and respect you, the more I actually get what I want which is your love and gentle kindness, and to just feel like I can trust you, and you're strong, and I can lean into that strength. So.

Austin: Yeah. Well, and, and if I can just m chime in one little piece there.

Rachel: Go ahead. I give you permission.

Austin: It's just, I just can't help it. But, what's so powerful is the masculine and feminine being in that healthy cycle. And everyone always asks, they're like, "Well, it kinda sounds like it's egg, chicken, chicken, egg, right?" Well, if the wife respects the husband, it makes it easy for the husband to love the wife. And if the wife is feeling loved, it's easy for her to respect her husband. And I do believe that it's the masculine's responsibility to begin and maintain the cycle. Now, if you're a woman listening to this, and you're like, "Hey, like, we're not in that cycle- 'cause, like, my husband just won't lead," I do believe that because of the woman's faith and the woman's commitment and the woman's perseverance, it can impact and influence her husband. So, like, if you're listening to this thinking, like, "Well, yeah, like, sure, I'd love for my husband to be masculine so I can be feminine, but he won't step up and be masculine," you can Ideally, your husband would, respond to his calling from God and just be the masculine leader he was called to be in your marriage.

But if he's not doing that right now, like, ladies, you can affect change in your husband by being feminine, by trusting him. And again, sometimes it's egg, chicken, chicken, egg, right? And that can feel like a scary dance because if, if neither the chicken or the egg are willing to appear, then you don't get either. And someone has to start the upward spiral. And so if you can start the upward spiral, which I believe you can, great. gents, if you're listening to this, it's on you to lead that charge. And if you're not leading, at some point, there will be a reconciliation for why you're not leading, whether that's in this life or when you're, you know, in front of God someday. But, so, men, like, lead your wives really well. And wives, if your husband's not being that masculine leader, you can empower him to be the masculine leader. And sometimes guys just need a little starter fluid t-t-t-t-t in the engine to get them going.

Sometimes guys just need a little critical mass, to, you know, kinda get over the hill and lead. And so, but I appreciate that you brought this up because it is one of the most powerful things we do is help couples find that really powerful masculine-feminine flow. And, they require each other. and I do believe it's a husband's responsibility to spearhead that. so guys, if you're listening to this, lead. Step up your leadership. And, and like you said, when- The feminine's getting what she wants and desires. It's very easy for her to give the masculine everything he desires. And then when he's getting everything he desires, it's very easy for him to give the feminine. In an ideal world, we would both give it purely out of our intrinsic duty to God. but we like to set each other up for success, so we help each other by being the best we can be for each other. We make it easy. We always like to say things like we- "Let's make it easy on each other."

Like, I wanna make it easy on you for me to be the only man that you desire, and vice versa. Like, I wanna make it easy on you to brag about me. I wanna make it easy on you to love me. I wanna make it easy on you to be crazy about me, you know? But the, all those things aren't gonna be easy if I'm lame. Okay?

Rachel: It's true. And a little shift that, ladies, you can make is just telling your husband, like, "Hey, I trust you." Like, if you guys are in a discussion or, or trying to figure something out, you can just say, "Hey, I trust you." Like, "You got it." Like, whatever, whatever you s wanna do.

Austin: That's three of the most powerful words that a man can hear. "I trust you."

Rachel: Yeah. So especially if you haven't been s if you've been saying the opposite, whether literally or in the actions you've been taking, that's a way of beginning the undoing process. And whether maybe even you do trust or not, like, whether you have a visceral felt sense of trusting him or not, that will be, you know, like you said, chicken, egg, egg, chicken. Like, that's your way of going first. That's just a little tidbit for you that you could

Austin: That's powerful

Rachel: Start to apply.

Austin: Any other powerful shifts that you like to lead women through?

Rachel: Yeah, there's so many. Like, I don't know what you want me to talk about,

Austin: So you talked about responsibility. You talked about masculine, feminine.

Rachel: Yeah, honestly, friendships are huge.

Austin: Friendships, yeah.

Rachel: Who you surround yourself with, the community that you either have or don't have is one of the biggest defining factors to your success in your marriage and life, over anything else. And the stat the statist the, the statistics are there for how much friends affect you. Who you spend time with affects you. And so that's one of the biggest things that f women are usually like, "Oh my gosh, I love this," when they join CCM. Like, when I'm coaching them they're like, "This is such a relief." But also, like, helping them figure out how to gracefully move on from other friendships. I think that's really difficult for people, especially people who love God and wanna have a great life. Like, it's hard for them to, what might seem to them like, quote, quote, "be mean." like, there's some people pleasing, so I do help women with getting over people pleasing a lot, and learning to actually really lead people well. And it's a place from, it's doing it from a place of love, and so it's not mean.

It's not harmful or hurtful,

Austin: Well, the, the friendships piece is so key because and a lot of people are like, "Well, but, you know, my, I, I'm trying to, like, minister to my friends." There's a big difference between, we always say those w people that you s that you spend time with in your living room, a and then people that you're ministering to. You know? It's like, Jesus's circle were God-fearing men.

Rachel: Yeah, they weren't the prostitutes.

Austin: They, they were not the prostitutes, yeah. Jesus was not like, "Hey, prostitutes, come over and let's lay back next to my-"

Rachel: "I'm gonna teach you for 12 hours."

Austin: "Come over to my house at 10:00 tonight and we're gonna lay down and eat fruit," you know? It's like the, the men that Jesus surrounded himself with were, you know, solid men. Of course, Judas, you know, had a moment there. But you know, they were solid men. And all the guys had moments, you know, right? I mean even Peter. He was like

Rachel: Humans

Austin: "Get behind me, Satan," you know? And, and, you know, and James and John, you know. Jesus is like, "What the heck? You don't need to worry about, you know, if you're gonna be at my right hand," or, "my number two, number three." But, you know, so the people in your circle, I think what you're saying is they will define, help you define so much of what you'll experience in life. But there's a difference between those people and who you're ministering to. You know? Like, you, our circle, our culture, our community is what we will become. And so the people you're ministering to, they don't have as much influence over you as the people in your circle do. And it's okay for those, for there to be differences there.

Rachel: Mm-hmm, yeah, and you have to be filled before you can minister. Like, if you're just pouring, pouring, pouring, pouring and no one's filling, like And the great thing is, is when you have really incredible friends, you're standing toe-to-toe. Like, you might have differences or different ways that you respect each other and inspire each other differently. but there's never this, like, inequality. Like it's just like we love each other, we're awesome, and we're committed to growth. And like, "Oh, here's how I'm growing." "Oh, wow, that's awesome. I love that." "Yeah, this is my thought on this scripture." Like, "What do you think?" Or like, "Yeah, I was, I was doing this with the kids and I wanted to be more intentional with this." And they're like, "Yeah, well, I've used this tool," and like, "This has helped me." And then you're like, "That's awesome." And so it's just this commitment to growth and, you know, spiraling up but being real, and there's no need, there's no comparison.

It's just we're awesome. We love each other. And we're just gonna keep being awesome with each other.

Austin: Yeah, so yeah, that's right. And I, I love the way, like you, like our wives group, you know, 'cause like in our program, for those listening, we have, husbands calls every Monday and wives calls every Monday. And I love the wives group because, you guys just like every time we talk about it, which you don't ever tell me details about it, but just the like it's nurturing, it's loving, it's encouraging, it's inspiring. Where this group of women, they know that no matter what their week is like, every Monday, they're gonna have a call with a whole bunch of other amazing, God-fearing, loving women. And like these are women that- They talk positively about their husbands, positively about their marriage. They, they speak life about parenting, they speak life about work they speak life about their faith and all these things that matter. Because we know a lot of women that, like, they've got a lot of close friends that are talking poorly about their husbands.

They're overall negative people, you know? And it's hard for them to break up those relationships. And, you know, sometimes it's like, "Well, but they're like people that, you know, God has me, like, ministering to." And it's like, that's fine. But they cannot be a place of influence for you. Okay? Because, they're just ice cubes in your hot cup of coffee. You know? And so God calls us to have that circle of people that we inspire each other, we lift each other up and we're also ministering to other people, you know? But I just really appreciate, that's one way that you're just an amazing leader. Because all these women tell me this. Like, when I see them, like, "Oh my gosh, your wife's so amazing." The wives calls and stuff are just like, like, you know, "No one loves me like Rachel does," you know? Or like, "No one speaks life into my life like Rachel does." Like, it's amazing, you know? And, you know, it's just like, I mean, yeah.

I just, that's one thing I really appreciate about you. And like I said in the very beginning it's just like you just have this way of just everyone that meets you loves you. I really do believe that. I've never met anyone that was like, "Yeah, you're, I don't know, Rachel, eh." A lot of people say that about me, and that's fine. Like, I'm good with that. You know? Like, I don't really need the whole world to like me, you know? I just, but, and that's okay with me. And I don't think you d need that either. But- I've never met anyone who really had anything negative to say about you. Really.

Rachel: Thank you.

Austin: And all these, the wives of all these husbands that I'm working with, they're just like, "Your wife is amazing. Like, she just loves people. She listens to people. She gives the best advice. Like, why didn't I get in her circle a decade ago?" You know? So I just, I hope you really hear that and take that to heart, 'cause

Rachel: Thank you. I'm receiving that. And I also wanna add, like, yes, in this group we're not talking negatively about our husbands or children or, like, being a victim. However, we are being honest about it.

Austin: Yeah, we're talking about hard stuff.

Rachel: Like, this is what I'm struggling. So I wanna make sure that's super clear so it's not, like, all warm and fuzzies. Like, we're showing up 'cause we're like, "Hey, life is either resistance fl or flow, and where I'm experienced resistance is here and here and here. So like I wanna figure out that obstacle so I can, like, keep grooving, you know? Like, keep experiencing this abundant life.

Austin: Yeah. Well, and part of the- Yeah. Anyways, I was gonna talk about positive psychology and how that actually kinda had a negative effect a little bit on the world,

Rachel: Yeah, like everything's gonna be happy

Austin: Where everyone's like, "Stay positive and never talk about the neg about the negative." But i it's not about talking about the negative, it's about talking about resistance because the obstacle is often the way. You know? So

Rachel: Yeah, just being real.

Austin: Yeah. Really great thoughts. Any other powerful shifts on leading women?

Rachel: I feel good. Feel good with that.

Austin: What's your favorite

Rachel: I mean, there's more, but

Austin: What's your favorite one-liner?

Rachel: Commitment is recommitment.

Austin: Ooh.

Rachel: Because a lot of times when you're like, "Yeah, I'm gonna grow, and here, I'm committing to this thing," and I just remind women, like, commitment is recommitment because when you commit and you notice yourself, like, a day, a week, a month later, "Oopsies, I didn't make good on that commitment," or, "I didn't keep my word"- or, "I had a slip-up," when you recognize that, just recommit. Recommit.

Austin: Yeah. Commitment is recommitment.

Rachel: Like, love and grace for yourself because it happened and I'm just gonna recommit. And the more that you do that, the more that, you know, your brain learns this is the new normal. Because it's easy for our brain to say, "Oh, well, I tried and I didn't keep my commitment, so meh," you know. Back to the victim, like, "Poor me, I messed up." But having, taking on that powerful, like, no, like, I committed to this, I'm just gonna recommit. And there's no shame in that. I think helping women not feel shame in the slip-up after they've committed, you know, and they're learning and growing and just helping them recognize, like, the upward trend, like, yeah, you're learning, you're growing, you're, it, like keep going, just recommit. So I say that a lot. Like commitment is recommitment.

Austin: No, that's powerful. So last question: what would you tell any woman struggling to believe that her life, faith, and marriage can level up?

Rachel: Hmm. Oh, that's good. I really wanna take time on this.

Austin: So let me read it again. What would you tell any woman struggling to believe that her life, faith, and marriage can actually level up?

Rachel: God calls you to live the abundant life. Like, that's what I'm emotional right now and I don't even know who this is. Hopefully it's a lot of women, because I'd like to have that impact to encourage you. God has called you and has the abundant life available for you. Like, He, when He says, like, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest," He's not saying He's saying eternal rest, but, like, rest now. Like, rest for our souls now, you know. The abundant life is not just, like, Heaven, which is gonna be amazing by the way. We don't talk about Heaven enough and how amazing it's gonna be. But the abundant life now, here, in this present. And, and no matter what you've been through, no matter the struggles you've gone through, no matter the severe trauma, like, we work with people with severe trauma all the time. I've had severe trauma. Like, I have an ACE score. Like, if you have a high ACE score, like, there is hope, there is a way forward.

There's tools and techniques to actually help heal your nervous system, to go back and repair those things. And we help couples with that all the time. Like, there is hope. There is a way forward. And it starts with grace and love for yourself. For you, because love comes from God, and if God is showering us with our love but we don't love ourselves and have grace for us, God is love, and if you're not having love for yourself, you're rejecting God in your heart. You're not allowing God in your heart. And so you're, you're basically spitting out the gift that He's given you. And so accept that love over yourself and give yourself grace, 'cause we've all made mistakes, right? We've all fallen short of the glory of God. But we get to choose, you get to choose from this moment forward what you want your life to be like. And every single day you get to choose what you li want your life to be like.

And I have had many days of tears, pain, heartache, burden, sadness, anger. I've had them all. But again, what I said at the beginning of this episode was I appreciate myself for my commitment. Because no matter how hard, how painful, like how deep the trauma felt, like, "Ugh, I'm here again, this trauma. Like, I thought it was healed," you know? I just recommitted. And so for you, each day, like today, is an opportunity for you to say like, "Yes, I receive this love and I'm worthy of it." 'Cause most of the world's problem is just a lack of receiving love. Because first you have to receive it to be able to give it. And a huge problem in most people's marriages is th the inability to receive love from your spouse, and your spouse is trying to love you and you're just criticizing them or letting it spill on the floor because you're not, you don't think you're worthy of it. And so, the original question, say it again.

Austin: Yeah. What would you tell any woman struggling to believe that her life, faith, and marriage could level up?

Rachel: Yeah. It can level up. Because you, you are the deciding factor whether it will or not.

Austin: Because it's already been decided for them. They just have to say yes.

Rachel: Yes. yeah, you just have to say yes and receive the love of God in your heart first, like fully of yourself. And, and wherever you are right now, you know, if that's you, I encourage you to put your hand on your chest, just here, and just say, "God, I receive your love." And then say your s your name, and say, like for me it'd be, "Rachel, I love you." And that's God speaking to you, but you get to give that gift to yourself. And from that place and only from that place can you move forward to make these intentional steps, 'cause it'll never stick. You could be trying, and maybe you have, you know, listening to podcasts, reading books, whatever it is, but it's not sticking, and a lot of it might be because you don't feel worthy of it. And so you're worthy. That's what I want you to know. You're worthy of love. You're worthy of having an awesome life. You're worthy of having incredible friends.

You're worthy of having an awesome marriage forever, like continuing to level up. And it's possible. I've done it, so you can do it.

Austin: Yeah. It's

Rachel: And we've seen a lot of other people do it, so. I have a lot of evidence. That's another one-liner. Confidence comes from evidence.

Austin: Confidence comes from evidence.

Rachel: And we have a lot of evidence to tell you it is possible and you can do it.

Austin: And we have evidence from every couple you can imagine, from every walk of life, from every type of trauma and block, and even church hurt, and spiritual abuse, and emotional abuse, and pain, and we have evidence from any couple of any walk. So no matter how you identify a as, as a Christian, just in your life and in your walk, we've probably worked with someone like you and we've probably seen God do amazing things in their life. And so there's a roadmap and it works. And Rachel, you are a great pioneer of that roadmap, and you have a great track record of helping women just 180 things in their life. Or not even 180, but just helping, you know, even really great women make one, two, three, four, five degree changes that

Rachel: Which is massive

Austin: Which is massive. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's just, when anyone grows any degree, you know, I think heaven celebrates. You know? And it's just cool that you get to be s such a steward of that power.

Rachel: Thank you. I have a lot of fun doing it.

Austin: I know. I know you do.

Rachel: It's the best thing I could ever do with my life.

Austin: Yeah. I know you do.

Rachel: It's a blast.

Austin: All right. Well, anything else you wanna add before, we do our nonprofit shout-out and wrap this thing up?

Rachel: No. I just think you're worth, to the listener, you're worth the effort to grow. And all that it takes, like what we teach and what we've seen, is anyone, like you said anyone can heal, grow, learn, grow, yeah, as long as you're willing. So if you're willing, man, that's the secret sauce.

Austin: That's it. It's like the rock and fuel.

Rachel: The setup for success, yeah.

Austin: Love it. Well, honey, thanks for answering all these questions, and I think people got to look into your heart today and just get a glimpse, of just truly the amazing woma woman of God you are. And I hope that a lot of women today, and men, feel inspired and, maybe even reach out to you or reach out to us through our website and wanna see even more about what we're about. And yeah, so. Really proud of you. Well, today's nonprofit shout-out is, ReHope. it's Restoration House Kansas City. This is an organization that helps, trafficked women, heal and kinda reenter normal life. which is great because, you didn't even know I was gonna ask you the question today about what problem do you wanna solve but we picked them as our nonprofit shout-out. So cool continuity there. But, their website is rehope.org. rehope.org. And this is an incredible, organization here in the Kansas City area. They're transforming lives day in and day out. And so, if this episode was valuable to you, please head over to rehope.org, drop them even 5, 10, 20, $50, because that money gets stretched really, really far.

They're a really efficient, really responsible organization. We really love them. And, and they are doing their part in ending human trafficking, by helping those who have been victims of it heal and, reenter life. And when current victims can see that past victims can reintegrate into life in a healthy way, it inspires them to be able to get out. And that's a powerful part of ending this problem. So thanks for being here today. Thanks for watching this episode. We hope it was really valuable to you. And, we will see you on the next episode of the Conscious Christian Marriage Podcast. We love you, and, we'll see you on the next one.