Answering 3 Listener Submitted Questions

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Austin: Hey, everybody, Austin and Rachel Holt here, and welcome back to the Conscious Christian Marriage podcast. We are your hosts. We're excited to hang out with you today. And, we've got three really great questions that have been listener-submitted that we're just gonna be answering for you guys today live together. And we think that, these answers are going to help you in your marriage, so get excited. But before we jump into

Rachel: Whoop, whoop.

Austin: Whoop, that's right. Before we jump into those three questions, Rachel and I are going to just share a quick appreciation for each other, like we like to start pretty much everything that we do. Because we believe appreciation is really powerful. And we hope the way that we appreciate each other will inspire you to appreciate your spouse, so. Rachel.

Rachel: Austin.

Austin: I would like to go first.

Rachel: Hell,

Austin: I'm just kidding. You can go.

Rachel: Austin, I really appreciate, you for being an awesome dad. But specifically, for yesterday, painting the girls' nails.

Austin: Aw.

Rachel: That was adorable, and I know that blessed their hearts, and they had a good time with you.

Austin: That was

Rachel: So thank you

Austin: That was really fun. You know, it was like yesterday morning, I had just realized, I'm like, "I have not sat down with all three girls and painted all their nails." And I was like, "That just sounds really fun to me." I can paint yours next time if you want. I'm pretty good at it. Actually.

Rachel: I remember Did you do that while we were dating?

Austin: Probably.

Rachel: At least early marriage, you were like, "Hey, we're come to Austin's salon," or something. You set a whole thing up, and you did it inside.

Austin: Sounds actually kinda creepy as I reflect back on it. But whatever won you over is, that's that's good for me. Rachel, one thing I wanna appreciate you for is, the last two, three weeks have been crazy, you know, as we've wrapped up some big projects on the home front. And I just appreciate that you go with your gut a lot. And generally, when you and we go with your gut, you're usually right. And sometimes I can get lost in just overanalyzing. And you're really good at not having so much decision fatigue- I think, as I can sometimes. Which is like, "Okay, 50 people have asked me 50 questions today." I just try to focus on answering, like, three to five really important questions a day. And I know the kids ask you, like, a million questions, you know, all day. And then we had, you know, contractors asking us questions. And, there's just, it was just a really busy couple weeks. And I just really appreciate how you were just, like, really in flow, and you're able to just trust your gut.

And yeah, I just, that always impresses me. And I just appreciate you just trusting yourself and having good intuition. 'Cause again, generally, when you're being intuitive, you're usually right. And good things happen for our family, so.

Rachel: Thank you.

Austin: Way to be awesome.

Rachel: I receive that.

Austin: Good, I'm glad. Pound it. Yeah, yeah. You wanna shake my hand? Should I get this over with now?

Rachel: Doing this every episode now.

Austin: I'm gonna do this two or three times. I love shaking your hand. I don't know why. It's just, it's kinda hot in some way. I

Rachel: It's like a hug for your hand.

Austin: Yeah, a h a hand hug. Yeah, I, I gotta think about that for a minute. That's pretty good. All right, so

Rachel: Is it too intimate that you shake a stranger's hand, now that I've been shaking yours?

Austin: I think it I don't know.

Rachel: My goodness.

Austin: I don't think so. Yeah.

Rachel: I'm just kidding.

Austin: It's different 'cause we have the, we have the bond. We have that electricity. So all right, everyone, so we're gonna go through three questions. these have been questions that have been submitted by listeners just like you. And these are actually questions that we get fairly often. And we like to do this from time to time, where we might take a break from the more, like, curriculum, training-driven episodes we like to do and just answer questions, you know. Because those of you who leave comments or who email us, or go to our website or social media and submit questions, we do read all those. And sometimes we respond via email. And sometimes we're like, "Hey, that's a great podcast topic." So the three that have been submitted for today are not just ones that have been, like, listener-submitted. But, these are also questions that we've gotten for years that I feel like we've answered a million times. And so they felt like really fun questions to kinda riff on, and just timely questions because of just where the world is today.

So. All right, Rachel, first question. I'll ask you this question. Totally off the cuff, no notes. We don't use notes around here. Every time I say that, I think about Back to the Future. He's like, "Roads?" He's like, "Where we're going, we don't need roads." For any of my Back to the Future fans. So question number one, Rachel, is how do I get my spouse to share more? That's a good question.

Rachel: So the first question we would ask you as food for thought is, how do you usually respond to your spouse when they are sharing? So are you a welcome place when they come to share? Are you someone that says, you know, uses our connection cards responses that like- "Tell me more. I wanna hear more about that. Then what happens?" So are you a welcome space, especially if your spouse is sharing something difficult, something about you personally? If your spouse is maybe addressing something that can be dicey, do you love yourself enough to receive that well? do you love your You know, do you have enough love in the container to r be an open, receiving, safe place for your spouse to be able to share? So that's a good question that you can ask yourself. Am I someone who receives my spouse's anything?

Austin: Anything. Yeah, because that's something that, you know, it, it's almost cliche, you know. But even the example of, "Oh, you know, my spouse is finally helping around the house." But then the way they do it, I just critique, you know. And then they're like, "Okay, well, forget that." It's, it's like the classic, like, you know, the wife wants the husband to help, you know, more around the house. And so he, like, finally does the dishes, you know, and then he does 'em wrong. Then she's like, "Ugh, you forgot to hand wash 'em before you put 'em in the " And he's like, "All right, well, never mind. I just, I'll just go- I'll just go do what I know I'm already good at. I'll go to work, or I'll work in the yard, or I'll do whatever."

Rachel: Yeah, where I get appreciated.

Austin: Where I Yeah, and also where I get appreciated the most. But I think the same thing is with sharing. You know, we hear a lot of times that a spouse wants a spouse to share more. And then when they finally do open up, they might get criticized, you know. And you know, we always say that the difference between feedback and criticism is usually connection. You know, like, if you're really connected to your spouse, feedback comes across as feedback. If you're not very connected, you know, feedback comes across as criticism because there's not enough connection to kinda hold the feedback. You know? And so if you're wanting your spouse to share more, like Rachel said, it's really important to be like Am I really good at listening? Am I good at responding? Do I appreciate my sh my spouse when they share? And I think just being able to be intuitive about what environment did they grow up in and how was them having a voice welcomed or not.

And then wondering, like, have we created a similar environment to that now? Am I a welcome place for them? Do I listen well? Do I respond with my own filter? Or do I actually encourage them to share more? Because a lotta times a spouse may not wanna share because they actually They, they, they know you're not going to listen. They're just Y they know you're gonna listen through a filter of your own experience and respond based on your experience versus responding on what they said from their perspective. You know, empathy is not imagining what it's like to be in their shoes. It's imagining what it's like to be them in their shoes. And sometimes listening is the same way. It's like, am I listening for them, or am I listening for me, and then responding through my own stuff? Am I actually listening and responding without a filter, like, just to them? You know what I mean?

Rachel: Yeah. And that's something that we've certainly grown through and I've personally certainly grown through, because the environment that I grew up in when I was younger, feedback was generally given in a way that traumatized me. And so when you gave feedback, even if there was, like, a tense tone where you're just feeling passionate or, or just expressing yourself and that could be a point of connection for me to receive that and say, "Oh, he's expressing himself. He's sharing from his heart." But for me, I would take it personally and wanna defend because I would be so scared of being at fault because of the way that I learned to self-preserve growing up. So that's something I've learned to be more receptive, more receiving, and appreciative when you do share and when you express your emotions.

Austin: Yeah. I think another thing too, and this is something we've helped other couples with, is understanding the context and the purpose of the sharing. You know? So sometimes I might say to you, like, "Hey, do you want me to just listen, and just be like, a good ear for you, or do you want me to respond? Like, do you want feedback? Do you want suggestions?" And sometimes you're like, "I just want you to listen." So then, like, I'll just listen, and that's it. And then sometimes you're like, "Yeah, I do want, like, a solution," you know? And I think that if your spouse isn't someone who naturally opens up, I think it's really important to have that conversation, you know, before they share. It's like you know, and even if you're the spouse that has a hard time sharing, maybe it might support you in just saying, "Hey, I wanna share some things with you, and here's my objective with sharing." Like, I either just wanna be heard, or I wanna feel more connected to you, or I'd like feedback on what I'm saying.

But again, I think this question was asked really for the spouse that wants their spouse to share more 'cause a lot Another thing that we teach a lot is that in a lot of relationships you've got someone who is a little bit more anxious, and they might be the one sharing more. And you, then you might have one that's a little bit more avoidant to where they don't feel as connected through sharing a lot. They just might, they might feel more connected through quality time or just by proximity. But generally, there's one person who likes to share a lot, and then they're wanting the other person to share more. So if you're wanting the other person to share more, again, listening really well, understanding the point of the conversation you're wanting them to have, and just being honest with them about how you connect and relate to them, you know? I think even just being able to say to your spouse, like, "Hey, I love you, and I love the way you show up, and I love, you know, our connection.

I would love to converse more." Like, "I would love to hear from you more," versus like, "Why don't you talk?" It's like, "I would love to know more about your inner world." You know, one of the schools of thought that we, you know, pull a lot from is Gottman, the Gottman Institute, and really part of the foundation, of building a great relationship, you know, through part of their model, is knowing each other's inner world. And so just inviting your spouse to share their inner world with you is really important. You know, and that's gonna also really tie into, I think, the third question that we're gonna answer today. just about knowing what to share, you know? But I would argue that any detail about your inner world I want to know, because it helps me feel connected to you. And it will help me know how to serve you. It'll help me know how to respond to you. It'll help me know how to be gracious with you.

Because if I know even if I know you've been deliberating all day long about what, you know, bar stools to buy for our kitchen you know, it's gonna help me just know more about what's in your inner world. Like, you know, maybe you've just second-guessed yourself, you know, for some reason about some decision, and that might make you, a little bit less patient, or it might make you a little less excited for me to tell you about something I'm excited about because you've been, you know, in turmoil all day about You know, I'm kind of being facetious, but. So if you're trying to get your spouse to share more, be transparent about what you want and why. You know, it's like, "Hey, I just want you to know that I would love to hear more about your inner world. I'd love to hear more about your day. I'd love to hear more about what you're thinking, feeling. Not because I'm upset with you, but because I love you, and I love learning more about you, and I love feeling really connected to you."

You know, because a lot of people are not invited to talk. More often than not, people are told to talk less. I think about that with our kids immediately.

Rachel: It's like, oh, where does that come from? Mm, parents.

Austin: Yeah. All of our kids are pretty extroverted, so I feel like not very often am I like, "Hey, I want you to talk twice as much as you talk now."

Rachel: I just thought about that yesterday.

Austin: Yeah, usually it's like, "Hey, you've asked 400 questions this hour." "We're gonna cap it there."

Rachel: You get five more questions for the rest of the day. That is a good parenting strategy, by the way. Say, "Okay, five more questions."

Austin: You have five more questions.

Rachel: But then your kids get really creative. 'Cause they'll say, "I wonder what," yada, yada, yada.

Austin: They try to ask a question without asking Yeah, that's really

Rachel: Anyway.

Austin: So the second big thought on this question is actually more of a strategy. A lotta times someone gets really stuck in not wanting to share- Because of their perception of the consequence, you know, or their perception of what happens next.

Rachel: Stories.

Austin: Yeah, stories. A lot of people are afraid to share a lot because of what could come next. And so a lot of times, someone who doesn't share a lot, they actually will ask questions more than they will share because they like to kinda test the water. They like to kinda see like, you know, instead of me saying, "Hey, Rachel, I would like to have steak for dinner," I might be like, "Hey, what do you want for dinner?" Be

Rachel: Think date night. When you're getting in the car and you're getting ready to go somewhere and you're like- "Hey, where do you wanna eat?" You generally probably already have something in mind

Austin: Most people already know

Rachel: Of where you might prefer.

Austin: Yeah. But here's the thing. A lot of people were trained as a child not to rock the boat. So if I know what the boat is before I say something, I will know how to not rock it, right? So it's a little bit of a survival strategy or kind of a, you know, how to just kinda keep the peace for me to say something like, "Hey, where do you wanna eat tonight?" And then if you say something in the ballpark of what I want, I might just go ahead and agree with you so then we feel harmonious. 'Cause for a lot of people growing up, it was like, well, it's more risky to talk a lot than it is to not talk a lot. 'Cause if you grew up in a home where you were criticized a lot or a lot of snappy, harsh responses, you were trained to not share a lot. What you were trained to do was kinda test the waters with something, make sure the waters weren't dangerous before you'd actually put yourself out there.

And then more than likely, you'd put your statement out there, and then you'd get shut down. So for a lot of couples, they're actually just stuck in a pattern of asking questions versus making statements of what they want. So those of you who might have a spouse that you want to share more, here's a really fun exercise that we'll have couples do, is we'll say, "Go a week," and if you need to start with three days, that's fine, too. Three days, a week, two weeks, but go a week or two and agree to not ask questions. And that might seem impossible. It's actually not. Now, if you are in a situation where you need to ask a logistical question, like

Rachel: What time is it?

Austin: Yeah. But you could say, "I wonder "

Rachel: I want to know what time it is. You could.

Austin: I want to know what time it is. That's a request, okay? Now, let's say you're pulled over, you know, y you're driving under the speed limit, get pulled over, and you can't find your insurance card. You might need to call your spouse and be like, "Hey, where's our insurance card?" "Oh, it's in Dropbox." Great. But here's what's powerful about this, is imagine if for a week you no longer asked questions to your spouse. Instead of saying, "Rachel, are you okay?" I might say, "Hey, Rachel, I loved, I would love to know how you're doing today." Or instead of saying something like, "Hey, do you wanna watch a movie tonight?" I might say, "Rachel, I'm, I would love to spend some quality time with you tonight." And you could say back to me

Rachel: I'd like to go sit by the fire pit.

Austin: And even if I don't agree with that, even if I don't wanna do that, I might say, "I hear you that you wanna go sit by the fire pit. I would really enjoy hopping in the hot tub." And then you might say something like

Rachel: Hmm, that sounds interesting. How about we do the fire pit for 15 minutes

Austin: You just asked a question.

Rachel: Wait, that's a question.

Austin: Yeah, gotcha. See, it's tricky.

Rachel: I could say, "I think I would be open to doing the fire pit for 15 minutes, and then we could do the hot tub just to kinda, however long we want."

Austin: Yeah. And then notice how she didn't say, "What do you think?" So now I have a chance. Basically, the exercise invites expression. A lot of people who, like, if you're asking the question, "I want my spouse to share more," they may not be trained to express well. Expression might be risky or dangerous to them, or it's just a skill, okay? It's a soft skill that people have to develop, you know? And so even what we just did is so fun, you know, where it's like, you know, let's just say that there's something going on with the kids. I might say, "Rachel, I'm feeling feelings of frustration about the kids." And you might say

Rachel: And I might say, "I am fearful that your feelings of frustration with them might be attached to me because I'm their primary caregiver during the day and responsible for a lot of their development and discipline." And then I'd leave it at that. See what you said.

Austin: Yep. And I, and then- I might say, "I really appreciate you sharing that. I want you to know that I think that you've done a great job parenting, and a lot of these feelings are maybe my own insecurities or shortcomings. I'm curious what it might look like for us to get more strategic about how we discipline the kids while being on the same page." And then you're like, "I want you to know you're the perfect husband." That's what you'd say next. But I hope everyone sees the point of this. it is a little advanced, and you've gotta play with it, but it's, it's actually fun. And the reason I brought this up was because if you have a spouse that struggles with sharing, make this a game. Make it make it fun, okay? We, I, I

Rachel: Make an agreement to do this.

Austin: Yeah, make, make an agreement.

Rachel: You both have to be on the same page.

Austin: But, like, we've got a couple that we're working with right now, two on two. And, one issue they have struggled with is making I, is, is making you statements, okay? Like, "You made me angry." Versus saying, "I felt angry when you yelled at the kids," or, "I felt sad, when you racked up the credit card," okay? And so my challenge for them over the next few weeks was, "Hey, only make I statements for the next week or two, and every time you make a you statement, you have to send me 10 bucks." So for the first part of that week, it was awesome for me, but then it slowly tapered off. I'm just kidding. But, so if you want to help your spouse share more, this is a really great strategy. Have fun with it. Kinda make it a game, and just say, "Hey, I would love to make an agreement where for a week we don't ask each other questions." "We just make statements."

And it's actually really fun because, yeah, it's just really fun. So there's a lot we could share on this, but that's just really what came up for me when we got this question, was like, yeah, cut questions out. Just cut questions out for a week, and just watch how much more you will express. So instead of you know, "What are you thinking and feeling?" That's, that, it kinda almost feels accusatory versus, "Hey, Rachel, I'm really curious about what's going on in that sweet little heart of yours." See how inviting that is?

Rachel: Yeah. And doing it this way teaches you, it's helping you grow the muscle of responsibility of ap approaching everything you say and do from personal responsibility, and then also helps your, literally, brain develop new neural pathways. He's shaking my hand again. Awesome.

Austin: I just, I don't know what, you just, you keep asking for it.

Rachel: With my hand motions.

Austin: Yeah. Definitely

Rachel: And

Austin: Yeah, go ahead.

Rachel: Yeah. S- I wasn't finished.

Austin: I threw you off.

Rachel: You threw me off

Austin: I threw you off

Rachel: With that handshake. it helps develop new neural pathways. it'll help you guys just be more connected because when you are sharing what we call the inarguable truth, which is like, "I am thinking, I am feeling, I am wondering, I would like, I want to"- all these things, there's no, it's no shadow games as we like to call it. Like, there's no shadow games. There's no room for drama with that. You take

Austin: A lot of things are hidden in questions.

Rachel: Yes. There's so much hidden in questions. So you will start to see a difference in your connection 'cause you'll have fun with it. Like you just listened to us, like we're goofy. And we kinda messed up a couple times. "Oh, that's a question." You know? But it's fun.

Austin: Yeah. I think about even s situations where, you know, a couple's in a learning opportunity, you know, and someone's like, "Oh, you're just gonna leave the room, huh?" Like, that's a question. And imagine how much more powerful that statement would be if it was like, "Hey, I'm, I'm feeling fear that you're leaving the room," you know? Or, "I'm feeling fear that we're not communicating well," or, "I feel really joyful when you sit down with me, hold my hands, look me in the eye, and tell me that you appreciate me." It's just really powerful. So we just wanna encourage anyone out there, if you're trying to get your spouse to share more, make it a game, make it kinda fun. And if you want to, you could commit to only asking que or, to not asking questions for a week, and every time you slip up, you could just send us $10. Like

Rachel: Or send it to our nonprofit. Shout out to them.

Austin: Or, yeah, actually, even better, Rachel. Man, I love your heart. Send it to our nonprofit.

Rachel: If you were a coaching client of ours, you'd be sending us $10.

Austin: Yes, that's right. But yes, you can send it to the nonprofit.

Rachel: It really helps.

Austin: Wow, that is, that's a great idea.

Rachel: But we wouldn't know.

Austin: It's okay. It's okay.

Rachel: Send us email.

Austin: We'll trust 'em. Yeah. We'll trust 'em. All right, let's move on to the second question. So the second question is, pretty different in nature. This is a little bit more of, kind of a clinical, you know, medical question. Rachel, you wanna ask me the second question?

Rachel: Yeah. So this is a follow-up from our anxiety episode on the podcast. So if you've listened to that episode, whether you have or haven't, this is a follow-up question from that. If you haven't, go back and listen. but this person listened, and, she has had, mental illness in both of her parents growing up. She has taken medication in the past for, specifically, anxiety, and she was asking for our opinion on, whether we think medication is okay, when there's a time and place for it. And so if I were to kinda sum up what she was asking, I would say, is anxiety medication or m medication for mental and emotional, issues, is it okay?

Austin: Hmm. Great question. So, first thing I wanna say is in all matters of medical diagnosis, information, et cetera we advise you seek out duly licensed medical counsel of your own choosing. that's my disclaimer there. We are not doctors. everything we're gonna say here is purely educational, anecdotal, you know, maybe based on, you know, certain evidence and th and things like that. But, we're not doctors, so, we're not doctors. With that being said, yeah, we'll just get into it. So first thing, that's my disclaimer. The second is, it's important to understand that some people do have a physiological or genetic, you know, and/or genetic disposition, to where the chemicals in their brain do not balance as well. And that purely could be hereditary, genetic, et cetera, to where, you know, maybe your, neurological system does not produce certain neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, okay? dopamine's kinda your motivation, neurotransmitter, and serotonin is kind of your mood regulation. Those are the two primary ones. There's lots of other ones we could talk about. and so you might have a disposition where you just produce less of one of those, and it could purely be hereditary or genetic.

That is a possibility. I think it's less prominent than we think. I think a lot of times someone goes to a doctor, or they, they'll go to a psychiatrist, and they will prescribe for them some type of medicine. And some are incredibly responsible and thorough in assessing all the different factors such as diet, exercise, genetics, environment, all those things, before prescribing medicine. And to those doctors who do that, I praise you, I honor you, I appreciate you for doing extreme due diligence before just putting someone on a medication. I think that's a very small part of that part of the medical community. I think that there is, quite a few in that world that are not doing comprehensive diagnosis before putting people on anti-anxiety, anti-depression medication. Unfortunately. I, I really believe that is true. But I just wanna make sure that if you're sitting there and from a clinical perspective, you've been tested and it's proven that your body's not producing certain neurotransmitters or certain hor certain hormones, okay?

You've got, your neurological system produces your neuro your neurotransmitters, and your endocrine or your hormone system produces your hormones. There could be a physiological Okay, for example, you get in a car wreck, you hit your, you hit your head on the steering wheel, and, you, you have a TBI or brain damage, and now a certain part of either your limbic or your endocrine or your neurological system is not functioning properly. Certain things will not help that other than medicine, potentially. So I just wanna make sure anyone out there that's like, "Well, no, Austin, you just said a whole lot of stuff, but I have a proven medical thing," that could be true. So I wanna honor that, okay? I wanna make sure that's super clear. So that's the first thing I wanna say. Second thing I wanna say is that I appreciate certain medical interventions from a triage perspective Okay? Just like I, appreciate certain therapeutic interventions from a triage perse tri triage perspective, things like EMDR and certain things that will help us get someone who's got maybe heavy trauma or something precluding them from living life to a place where they can begin to function and to begin to manage symptoms in a more scalable way.

And certain medication is like that, okay? And there's, there's lots of different medical interventions to help people triage from a place of non-functioning to functioning. Because they have to be able to function so that we can then work on more sustainable layers of treatment.

Rachel: Yeah, kind of like getting them to a place that's bringing them up above the waves so that they can then not be drowning in the issue and come to a place that's gonna be able to help them to have a solid foundation to get to a certain level to where they can then start healing and building and doing some of that work. Because if you're so thrown off and you're so, dysregulated you won't be able to sustainably, you know, work with a counselor work with someone, coaching you, assessing you, helping you do all these different trauma, healing processes. So I, I definitely agree that medication does have its place both for, like you said, people who really do have the imbalance and need it, but also for maybe if you're struggling so much that you do need it to get to a place to then be able to build upon that.

Austin: Yeah, i-i it's amazing that if you're missing a proper amount of just serotonin how miserable life can feel. You know, or if you've got a hormonal imbalance, okay, in your endocrine system, how, um And, and there's this thing called the, gut neuroendocrine axis. And that's, way too deep of a topic to talk about here, but, there's three different, what we call, neuroendocrine axises. there's the gut, the bronchial, and the epidermis, but it's basically three different places in our body that is kind of regulating this connection between our, endocrine system and our hormone system. and so one throws off the other, okay? And then catastrophic things can happen. You know, this is why someone could have all the reason in the world to just be happy, and they don't feel happy. So our neurotransmitters and our hormones are incredibly powerful. Which is really why, here in a second, we're gonna talk a lot about lifestyle and health and why that's so important. Because, you know, even in instances of things like birth control, you know? and this statement is not advocacy or against, birth control, but if your birth control is off by just the smallest degree, it can throw off a female's endocrine system wildly, and she ends up with anxiety or depression or worse.

And so these systems are so delicate. We have to be so careful. And that's why the assessment and the testing and then the study, the efficacy, has to be so detailed and so scientific because the variables are just, the tolerance level between variables is just too tight. Anyways, I could just go way into that world, and I don't want to right now. So back to what I was saying, if you need to take medicine prescribed to you by a psychiatrist, that will help you get to a place where more sustainable treatment, like Rachel said, gets you above the waves, that's one aspect of it, okay? And so taking it lifelong while not taking care of other things is more the issue, and we're gonna talk about that next. So if you need the medicine to triage, you The qu the, the person who submitted this question used the word okay, like is it okay? And by that, I, I take that as is it permissible based on general ethics, morals, values?

I think the answer is yes. If you need to take it to get to a place where more sustainable treatment can happen, yes. and someone could take that statement and ru run wild with it, so don't do that. but I think under certain circumstances, yes. So getting to the more maybe the answer people are after or the more kind of tricky answer here or the nuanced is if you are wanting to treat your anxiety or your depression, you have to look at it as a lifestyle change, not as a medicine. Okay? If you're wanting to treat your anxiety and your depression and all you do is go to a psychiatrist and Now, granted, you can't generally walk into a psychiatrist office and they're gonna prescribe any of the, I could name them. They're not necessarily gonna do that, okay? They wanna know that you've seen a counselor, you've seen a therapist, maybe you've seen a psychologist. The psychologist refers you to a psychiatrist. The big difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist is a psychiatrist can prescribe, neurological medicine and neurolog logical drugs. they wanna make sure that you've done due diligence, you've been assessed, you get assessed again before they do that.

Now, I don't believe in a model where someone would prescribe, neurological medication and not also prescribe a lifestyle change. Okay? If you're eating inflammatory foods, if you're never exercising, if you're eating food dyes, seed oils, if you're s

Rachel: Gluten and dairy

Austin: Gluten and dairy, smoking heavily, drinking heavily, taking other drugs, if you're sedentary, if you're watching garbage television, if you're listening to garbage things, if you're, if you're basically poisoning every aspect of your body- I don't think any amount of those drugs is gonna help you. It's kinda how I, how I think about, like, different supplement companies. You know, everyone wants to prescribe, everyone wants to offer you a different supplement, right? Whether it's off the shelf or it, it's an MLM or it's whatever. Like, we have friends of ours, like our friends, Tamra and Neil, th down in Florida, and they, they recommend an incredible supplement line, but they also recommend exercising, eating well drinking juices, spending su spending time in the sun, et cetera. And so I'm gonna take someone like that way more serious because they're offering something more comprehensive about your health. And so if someone's recommending that you take this type of medicine but they're not looking at your entire lifestyle, that's a problem.

Okay? And so- If you need to use the medicine to triage yourself into a place, again, where more sustainable intervention and t treatment can happen, I think that's great. You are not supposed to live there. Okay? It's kinda like the saying like, you know, God will take you as you are, but that doesn't mean he wants you to stay there. Okay, it's a little bit like that. If, if you have tried a lot of things and nothing is working and you, you need to get to a place where you can pick yourself up off the ground and keep going forward

Rachel: And function

Austin: And function, get there. But once you've realized that you might have a disposition that requires, okay neurological medicine or hor or, or endocrine medicine, you also need to look at your entire lifestyle. because I've known people that have juiced for 30 days and dropped all their meds, okay? A actually, there's an incredible documentary. I don't agree with everything in this documentary- I just wanna make sure it's super clear, but it's called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, and it's this man's, journey with juicing. we watched that like 10 years ago

Rachel: It's true

Austin: And we've integrated juicing into our life for the last 10 years because of that documentary. what you're putting in your stomach, what you're rubbing on your skin the perfumes you may be putting on.

Rachel: The air fresheners.

Austin: Air fresheners. When people, like Glade plug-ins. Sorry, Glade, I'm just gonna throw you under the bus here. The amount of people that are getting sick or could be getting sick from having a Glade plug-in in their home is unbelievable.

Rachel: Or comparable products

Austin: Or Bed Bath & Beyond

Rachel: With fake fragrance

Austin: Yeah, Bed Bath & Beyond soaps and lotions. You, so again, back to the gut-brain-neuroendocrine axis, you have this thing called your epidermis gut-brain endocrine axis. Okay, epidermis, brain, endocrine, axis. What you're rubbing on the largest organ on your body is getting absorbed into your bloodstream. And if those chemicals are messing up the way that your brain and your body work together, don't be surprised when you're depressed.

Rachel: Because they are chemicals.

Austin: Because they are chemicals. They're, they, they are poison. Okay? The, your Glade plug-ins, your Bed Bath & Beyond, body lotions and, and stuff like that, and perfumes.

Rachel: Even, even like, the brand like Meyer's Clean Day or whatever it's called, it's like kinda the bougie like, "Oh, we're gonna be healthy," but if you actually read the ingredients list, it's not all natural.

Austin: Yeah. And you gotta look at things, um I mean, I, I made a whole list here, but you gotta look at things like how much time are you spending in the sun getting real vitamin D? How much sleep are you getting? Are you exercising?

Rachel: Sleep is huge, yeah.

Austin: You know, and so I, I typically believe in what we call displacement rather than replacement. So if you're someone listening to this and you are taking either a microdose or a full-dose type, regimen to counteract anxiety or depression, number one, counseling, coaching, therapy, okay? We work with, with people all the time that have these type of, of situations, to help them get free. But there's other people like us that also do that, so if you're doing that, we, so we, so we believe in displacement, which means if you're struggling with that, get help interpersonally, okay? Find a counselor. Find a coach, someone who's qualified and really good at helping someone like you. Get out in the sun. Get real vitamin D. Stop drinking tap water. No one should be drinking tap water. I use the word should, I know. Don't drink tap water, okay? Our tap water in this country is terrible, okay? drink purified water. Okay, drink spring water.

Rachel: Not bottle.

Austin: Okay, get, even if, even just, just get a Brita water pitcher for $20 on Amazon, okay? Drink better water. Exercise. Get your body moving, okay? Google search what are inflammatory foods and stop eating them, okay? and what's gonna happen is as your body gets clean for maybe the first time in a long time, 80% of your serotonin is in your stomach, okay? And really what connects your stomach to your brain is called your vagus nerve or your primary cranial nerve. The main neurotransmitter responsible for regulating your mood, how you feel, happy, sad, angry, sexual, fearful, it's, the connection between it and your brain is basically one, okay? A lot of times we say that the gut is the second brain. So if you're filling your gut with junk you're mixing junk with the main neurotransmitter that's responsible for your mood. So if your tummy is full of garbage, don't expect your serotonin levels to be regulated well.

Rachel: Yeah, and you have to make a conscious choice because that stuff is addictive. Literally, there are teams of people that their full-time job is to make sure their food is addictive.

Austin: Yeah. Go, go read

Rachel: And so

Austin: Yeah, go read the book Wheat Belly. And you'll find out how wheat is, is just as, if not more, addictive than most opioids.

Rachel: Yeah. And so you have to make the conscious choice, step out of that. Because your brain, when you are, you know, when your belly's telling you, "I'm depressed, I'm, I'm frustrated, I'm anxious"- and you go and eat more cookies or whatever your thing is. I really like sweets, you know, so cookies is what I'll say there. If you eat more cookies, then you're gonna, it's perpetuates the cycle. So a good reset, like Austin's saying, is juicing. So if you're you know, if you just need an all or nothing type thing doing a reset

Austin: Juice

Rachel: On your body with juice is amazing, and then reintegrate with, you know, some healthy choices.

Austin: Yeah. I can't tell you how many people we've worked with that we've just said, "Hey, juice for the next 30 days. Here's some recipes. Go buy this juicer. You can get a nice one on Amazon for 80 bucks." "here's some recipes."

Rachel: Then you'll train your brain, "This is awesome."

Austin: Yeah, and then

Rachel: You'll feel so good.

Austin: Yeah. And so again, use the medicine to get to a place of sustainability, but then if you need to go past that you've gotta look, you've gotta take it seriously enough to make a lifestyle change. And it's very cognitive. It's, it's very scaffolded up to make highly value-driven decisions. We understand that. And if you're in a place where you're really struggling, it might be hard to even know what your values are, and it might be hard to make choices based on those values. But the first thing you gotta do is be in community with good people that love you, that can hold you accountable, and that can love you through the struggle. Two is to get professional help, and number three is you gotta look at your whole lifestyle. If you're seeing a doctor and they're throwing a medicine at you and saying, "Check back in with me in 180 days and we'll see how you're doing," they are not serving you. They're not. What they should be telling you is- And looking at is let's look at what you're eating, let's look at what you're drinking, let's look at the environments you're in.

Okay? are you in a high-stress environment 24/7? You're probably gonna feel depressed, okay? Most people cannot handle being in a extreme stress environment unless they are wildly scaffolded up, both physiologically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually. Okay? And so

Rachel: Quick- I wanna say a quick disclaimer on the juice. So juicing all fruit won't help you. You need to make sure you're getting in good fibers good, vegetables in there. And we just would recommend that you seek out good counsel on that before you go and just quit all food and start juicing.

Austin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rachel: Because this is not an episode on juicing. We could do a full episode on juicing.

Austin: Yeah, we could.

Rachel: But this is just some tips for you, for you to then go and educate your yourself a little bit further.

Austin: Yeah. For us, our typical juice is gonna have some pineapple, some celery, some carrot, a little bit of spinach

Rachel: Ginger

Austin: Gin lots of ginger, and, some cucumber. And, yeah, like, we might do that for breakfast and lunch and then have eggs for dinner, you know? And it's just, it's just amazing how well God made your body so powerful. He made your body so incredibly powerful. and w we could talk a ton about the spiritual side of this. A and our disposition is always, until God fully heals you here's what we recommend you do. While you're waiting for God to heal you, i if you've asked God to heal you. While you're waiting for God to heal you, here's the advice we have for you. And this is what we have. And so the last thing to, to understand with the medicine piece too is, and this goes back to the more the coaching, counseling side, is you gotta understand the role trauma has on your life, okay? Trauma has this way of searing the brain, okay? When you have a traumatic thing happen to you when you're younger, and you have two types of trauma.

You've got ACE score trauma, which is adverse childhood experience. It, it would behoove anyone listening to this, if you don't know what I'm talking about, to Google ACE trauma. A-C-E.

Rachel: Figure out your score.

Austin: Yeah, and you can figure out your score. And then we have what's called developmental trauma, okay? Which is more about how you developed, and it's more little trauma over time, okay? Kind of think about it like that, and how our own development was traumatized, okay? But you can take someone who maybe their body physiologically, genetically is functioning perfectly, insert a huge trauma into their life and it could throw everything off. Everything off. At the end of the day, I do not believe that we were made to or should have to, in quotes

Rachel: Air quotes, yeah

Austin: Rely on, neurological altering medication our entire life. If you need it to manage so you can get better, that's fine. If you have to take it as an intervention to continue to get better, look at your entire lifestyle. Because that medicine is helping you maintain better, but it's keeping you from best. Let me say that again. The medicine's helping you maintain better, but it is keeping you from best, okay? because a lot of those medicines help you feel less, but all feelings come from the same faucet. So they might be helping you feel less sadness, but you're probably feeling less joy, okay? That's our big piece on that. we could do an entire episode just on that question. I could do three episodes on it because I could, I like nerding out on that stuff.

Rachel: It's really good.

Austin: But, what you put in your belly, what you rub on your skin, and what you breathe in your lungs, the water you drink, the sunlight you do or don't have

Rachel: The stuff you clean your home with

Austin: The stuff you clean your home with, how much you sleep at night- I'm gonna argue overall will have a far greater effect okay, on you than you'll ever imagine, okay? I just can't stress enough. And, and I feel sadness when I talk about this because And I, I feel happy because we could help so many people make easy shifts. Like, when people are struggling with this, one of the first things I'm like is, "What's your diet?" that I ask. I'm like, "What's your diet like? What do you eat? What do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you drink alcohol? Like, do you take drugs? How stressful is your environment? Do you sleep? Do you get vitamin D? Do you, do you get out in the sun?" Okay, like, "Do you have Glade plugins in your house? Do you rub lotion? What kind of lotions and perfumes

Rachel: Perfumes, yeah

Austin: Do you rub all over your body?" And they're like, "all the above." I'm like, "I have good news for you. My solution for you is gonna be way cheaper than you thought. Just cut all that crap out." And then two weeks later, they're like, "Yeah, I feel completely different."

Rachel: Yeah. Even people who have migraines, I'm like

Austin: Oh, my goodness

Rachel: "First of all, are you expressing your anger," nod to a previous episode. Are you expressing your emotions, flushing the pipes? But also, what kind of environment are you in?

Austin: But, but here's the thing too

Rachel: And what perfumes

Austin: It's, it's, it's, it's, it's also like we don't even look at And I don't wanna overwhelm people with stuff to look at, 'cause I'm not like that. I'm not an alarmist. But, like, for female health a lot of these leggings that are made with microplastics and all, I can name all the different things, and they're tight to their skin in sensitive places. The amount of female endocrine system dysregulation we're seeing in the world is mind-blowing right now.

Rachel: Well, yeah, infertility is at an all-time high.

Austin: Infertility is at an all-time high. Go look up the ingredients to your leggings, and then ask yourself, "I wonder if it's a good idea that those materials are tight against my skin like a rubber band for 12 hours a day, and I wonder if any of that stuff is off-gassing or seeping into my skin." Just think about that. And dudes Yeah, anyways, there's

Rachel: Same.

Austin: Yeah, same.

Rachel: Could be a little

Austin: Same. Look at, look, look at, I, I yeah, I mean So okay, third question. Man, what a great, this, that medicine question was a great one. Thank you for whoever submitted that. We love you.

Rachel: I'm just sitting here just, you know, a little turned on. You're so thorough with your answers.

Austin: Well

Rachel: So educated

Austin: That's the tip of the iceberg. We could we could keep rolling on that.

Rachel: I appreciate you.

Austin: Yeah. Thank you.

Rachel: Your

Austin: All right, so

Rachel: Wonderful smart brain

Austin: Third question. And this question actually will be a lot simpler. Do you wanna- I'll ask you this question since I talked a lot on the last one. And thanks for teaching me everything I knew about that last question. I really appreciate it. so question three is, how do I know what or what not to share with my spouse? And let me set up the question a little bit for you. I think this question was asked under- The kind of the auspice or context of some people would say, "Share everything." Some people say, "Don't overshare," 'cause you don't wanna overload your spouse or fill their head

Rachel: Bog them down

Austin: Bog them down and fill their head with unnecessary b bit bits of information. We, we talk a lot about withholding. It's really important to us. How do I know what or what not to share with my spouse? How would you, how would you address that?

Rachel: So this question was also a follow-up to another episode, the withholding episode, so nod to that. If you haven't listened to that, finish this episode, but then that's something you can put on your list is the withholding episode. Definitely forgot the title at this moment. But this specific question was asked by a female, and she had been given advice about, not sharing with your husband too much because they have so much on their plate on their mental, mental, emotional, you know, load as the provider, as the care you know, as the provider of the home, the leader, and you don't wanna share too much to bog them down or to burden them. So one of the first things that we ask couples, and the main thing that I want you listeners to remember, is does it affect connection? So if you're ever asking yourself, which we as humans do a lot, "Should I share that with my spouse? Should I, should I ask that?" Ask yourself, "Does it affect our connection?"

So

Austin: And if the answer is yes, then you share

Rachel: Then definitely share, no matter how hard that might be, how, that might, you know You might have some stories and fear about how that might affect your connection, but ultimately, if it is something that you're avoiding saying because of fear that it might affect your connection, you best believe it's gonna be affecting your connection.

Austin: Yeah. Yeah, because, because here's the thing. If you withhold what will affect the connection then I'm going to treat you in a way that will help me continue to avoid that, and then you're gonna notice it. So like for example, like let's just say that I, I dropped a mug on the deck while having coffee this morning, and I broke the mug. And yeah, let's just say that happened. Unless I was really sad about it, feeling guilty that maybe it was your special mug that I dropped and I didn't want you to know 'cause I thought maybe you'd be bummed, if it If I just dropped a mug on the deck and broke it, I don't think for me that's not gonna affect our connection, so I don't need to tell you that. Okay, but again, if I dropped a mug that was your special mug that we got in Hawaii on our one-year anniversary, and I'm like, "Oh, man, I, I broke Rachel's favorite mug. when I tell her she's gonna be sad.

I really don't wanna like have to tell her, so I'm not gonna tell her," that would affect our connection. Okay? let's say that I come home from the office, and I've had a really long, rough day. I've had a lot of really hard calls, and I'm just kinda Maybe I'm just feeling low about myself that day. That would affect our connection, me telling you that. Like, "Hey, Rach, look, I just wanna be honest. I had a really hard day today. I'm just, I'm just kinda feeling low. I, I would really like to request some encouragement." But like let's just say that, I was at the office, and we had, I don't know, three contracts were late for something or three deposits for events were late or so- I don't know, something like that, purely logistical that would not affect your and I's connection. I don't tell you that stuff. The deciding factor for me and for a lot of couples that we work with is would you knowing this affect the way we show up with each other, okay?

Because let's just say that I am feeling low about myself, and I don't tell you that. I might try to compensate for that by either acting in a way I wouldn't normally act or pointing out things in you that you're doing wrong.

Rachel: Or fishing for compliments or encouragement.

Austin: Or fishing for compliments, yes. You will always say what you wanna say. If, if you know you need to say it and you won't say it directly, you'll say it indirectly always. That's why people are passive-aggressive.

Rachel: Mm-hmm. Again, back to our first, question that was submitted, and our suggestion is to just say exactly what you're thinking and don't ask those questions or play those shadow games. So yeah, that's a pretty, simple, thing to live by and ask yourself, "Will this affect our connection?" If you're withholding will it affect your connection? and if it If that's true, then definitely share it.

Austin: Yeah. If you had eggs for breakfast, you may not necessarily need to tell them that, you know? but if, you know, you woke up this morning and the kids were going insane and there's a big mess in the kitchen and you felt super overwhelmed and, you just need a little encouragement, but, you know, it will not serve anyone to not tell your spouse that.

Rachel: And I think assessing how you share because you could say, "Oh, it's just been such a rough day. Ugh," and kinda dump on your spouse. But one thing we ask each other a lot is, what do you want? And so for you to ask yourself, "Okay, if I'm sharing this with my spouse, what is it that I really want?" So then I can just say- "Hey, so this happened. I'm really wanting encouragement," or, "I'm really sad." "Like, you know, can I cry on your shoulder?" Whatever it is that you need or want, be clear about that as well. So

Austin: So at, at the end of the day, how do I know what to share and not to share? If it affects your connection. If by them knowing it would help them know you better, connect with you better, and if by them knowing it would help you feel more connected you share it. And then there's also the layer of like, I mean, whatever just feels fun to share, you know? Which affects connection, you know? But there might be things that I'll tell you that you might not have any clue about even what I'm talking about because it's something work-related or, you know, technical related, and you're like, "Yeah, great, I lo- I love that you share that with me." It's like, and I appreciate that because I just, you know, like you're my best friend, so I like just sharing stuff. You know? So.

Rachel: All right.

Austin: Good stuff.

Rachel: Well, that leads us to our nonprofit shout-out for today.

Austin: Whoo.

Rachel: We are shouting out Mothers' Refuge. They're local here to the Kansas City area. They are a, an organization that helps young mothers whether homeless or in need of support, through their pregnancy and the first years of motherhood to, give them h housing medical support, clothing, all kinds of stuff. If you go to their website, mothersrefuge.org, the link is in the description, please go check them out. Pray for them. donate whatever you feel led to. And of course, if you, don't keep up your word on this episode's challenge

Austin: On the, on the challenge

Rachel: If you agree to that with your spouse then you can donate a $10 to them every single time you

Austin: Ask a question

Rachel: Don't keep your Yeah.

Austin: Yeah. Yeah, every time you ask a question, donate $10 to Mothers' Refuge. So, well, your big action item today is just to listen to this episode with your spouse. Okay? or make sure that they listen to it, 'cause I think this one especially the first and third question, will really apply to a lot of people and will create more connection in your marriage. It'll help you communicate better, help you just stay in flow with each other more and more. And so we love when couples are listening to these episodes together or at least li they can listen to them apart, but going through the episodes together. We're just getting a lot of really good feedback on couples just growing and enhancing their connection, so.

Rachel: Yes. It'll spark good conversation.

Austin: Well, thank you for watching this episode or listening to this episode. Please be sure to like, comment, subscribe, thumbs up, all the things on all the platforms, because when you do that, it helps other couples like you find what we're doing, and hopefully we can help them like we have hopefully helped you. So thank you for watching. have a great rest of your day, and we'll talk to you soon.