How to Be Unoffendable

Transcribed from the episode audio and lightly edited for readability. Speaker labels are automated and may occasionally be off.

Austin: Hey, everybody, Austin and Rachel Holt here, and welcome to the Conscious Christian Marriage Podcast. We're very excited you're here today, and, we're gonna just jump right into this thing because this episode could go long- 'cause it's a really good one.

Rachel: Yeah, we're excited about this one.

Austin: Yeah, it's a really good topic.

Rachel: We say that every time.

Austin: I know. I love it. It's because, you know, we always talk about things we love.

Rachel: It's true.

Austin: Yep. So today's gonna be a great topic. We're definitely excited that you guys are here. And, hopefully we won't offend you. Wink.

Rachel: Wink, wink.

Austin: That's kinda like a, you know, a little foreshadow into the episode. but we'll just kick things off the way we usually do, which are gonna be through appreciation. So Rachel what do you appreciate about me?

Rachel: I appreciate that you Sorry, I had it in my head. And then you asked me to go first. Sometimes I'm being

Austin: Do you want me to go first?

Rachel: So present that I'm not thinking about the next thing, and I'm just listening to what you're saying.

Austin: Do you want me to go first?

Rachel: Yes, you can go first.

Austin: Okay. Rachel, one thing I really appreciate about you is that you are adventurous, and you trust your gut, and, like, you trust what your kind of intuition tells you. And generally your intuition's right. So, like, in our marriage, like, when you have intuition about something, I'm generally like, "Okay, let's do it. Let's, let's go with it." 'Cause you're usually right about that stuff. And the other day, when, you and the kids did a whole bunch of new landscaping up around, like, the entrance to our, our, our long driveway, and it was like the kids were going crazy, and you weren't feeling that great, and it was just, like, kind of a, a nuts day, but you just, like, felt in your spirit, "Hey," it was like, "We're just gonna take the kids outside. We're gonna load up the Ranger with rock and iris and flowers, and we're just gonna go make a little landscape bed somewhere." And you did, and the kids loved it, and it looks really great, and you guys had a lot of fun.

And it was actually better for you than it was to just kinda, like, lay around with the kids and let them be stir crazy. And so even though, like, it felt like more work, it was more work. But, like, that more work, that more energy predicated, like, a better result. And so even though, like, maybe you didn't feel like it, you still trusted your gut in just doing something, like, with the kids like that. And then it was a really, really great day, so I just appreciate that about you.

Rachel: Thank you. And my appreciation for you is kinda two things, but just that you encourage me so much, but also that you don't enable me.

Austin: Ooh.

Rachel: So, like, when I'm in a place or needing encouragement, you do encourage me, but you also hold me to the standard that we have set and we've agreed upon in our marriage and our life, in the woman I want to be, the mom I want to be, the wife I wanna be, the leader I wanna be. You hold me to that standard while still also encouraging me. But you don't enable me to be a victim. Because, which is really great and a blessing for me because that's what I've grown from is being a victim of, like, poor me. And you really help me to just be, yeah, empowered, encouraged, but also reminded of my values when I'm struggling.

Austin: I appreciate that.

Rachel: And I really appreciate that, 'cause that's when it's matters the most. And you don't judge me, but you do hold me to the standard that we have set together that I choose. And so thank you for doing that, 'cause it helps me be a better person.

Austin: Oh, well- I appreciate your appreciation. And it is my, truly, it is my joy and my honor to get to be that, for you and to, to hold each other to that, you know, standard. And I believe that, you know, God has called me to lead our marriage and lead our home. And so I'm thankful that you, like, accept that leadership and have seen, like, the fruit of it, you know? And and how we We do lead a lot of things together, of course, you know, and so I think we have a really cool blend there. I think that's one thing that people really look to us for is, you know, what does it look like for the husband to lead in a way where the wife doesn't feel like she isn't, you know, valuable or important or that her opinion doesn't matter? 'Cause, you know, we go with your opinion on tons of stuff all the time. It's just, like, some of the times where a decision has to be made that we may not be fully on the same page with, and sometimes I get to make those, and then I get to live with what comes next, you know?

And so and I, I, if I have to do that, and it means that I get to be with you, then great. I'll take it.

Rachel: But we literally always come up with win-wins.

Austin: Generally, yeah, we're always creating win-wins.

Rachel: There's always a way. Except the one time you played a long con on me about our son growing a mullet.

Austin: Yes. Yeah. Maybe we'll, we'll tease that. And maybe we'll share that story another time.

Rachel: I literally submitted to you on that. I was like, "I don't love this, but you're the man, so" "He can have a mullet."

Austin: Yeah, I did get you on that.

Rachel: And then it was

Austin: That was pretty good

Rachel: Truly to see

Austin: We'll share that story another time. But it is pretty good, yeah. The mullet long con. That was a lot of fun.

Rachel: Yeah. No pun intended, right?

Austin: Oh, my gosh. All right. I love you. Let's keep going. All right. So, our topic for today is actually something that we kinda wanted to cover from the beginning. it's something that we work with a lot of couples on and, and not just in the marriage context, but we work with other leaders on, and that is becoming unoffendable. Unoffendable, hence the, offense, you know? Sh a foreshadow here in the very beginning. But becoming unoffendable, is really, really important. And there's a ton of things, a ton of things we could say about it. But I think that the average listener who's probably listening to this would also agree that being unoffendable as a c as a Christian, as a more forward-thinking, maybe growth-minded person probably already, ascribed to this idea of not being offendable. But I wanna talk about a couple reasons why, first of all, it's so important. Right? And so number one is in marriage. So being unoffendable in our marriage is important because all the time and energy that most couples spend on being offended and then making, trying to make the spouse be sorry for their offense and explain their offense and, and be contrite about it and all that, all that time and energy gets wasted right there.

You know, where the connection is just spent with like, "Hey, you said this earlier, and you made me mad," or, "You upset me." Or, and, and we're not saying that people shouldn't talk about when they have their kinda trips on the sidewalk metaphorically with each other, because we believe that 100%. But there's a difference between having open, honest communication about kind of mishaps in connection and communication versus being offended by things. And we're gonna define offense and a couple other things here in a little bit. But all that energy is spent- All, there's so much energy spent in being offended, defending the offense and then the person defending what they did that was taken as an offense, and then figuring out where it was just, some wires got crossed. And instead, that energy could be put towards expanding the marriage, where actual fruitful results come of those activities, you know?

Rachel: Right. Yeah, I mean, when we, the more whole we become, you know, like, that's what we're up, that's what we're up to around here, that's what we're about, is becoming more whole and more like Christ, returning to that essence, that way that we were born. The more we become that way, yeah, we're, we're able to do so much more. We're able to live in, integrity with what we say. We are what we say we believe, what we say we value, and be on mission, you know? It's so easy to get spiraled if you're so easily offended. It's so easy to get off your game or off your mission or focus if you're spinning about something somebody said.

Austin: Yeah. Well, and I think that's kind of part of our flesh, you know, or kind of part of, part of the ego, you know? It's, it's really a persona of ours that's really worried about how the world sees us and is really worried about what the world thinks about us. and so when we give into that, that's that part of us, that natural, innate part that does feel a little insecure. If, if, if five people in the room don't like me, then it's like, "Oh, what, what really is wrong with me?" You know? And so, and, and that's not always inherently wrong. The problem is when that gets in the way of what's better. You know? And that's where a lot, a lot of times a lot of Christians especially get this, this real, like, either/or, mentality towards things, and sometimes it's an and thing. And a lot of things aren't necessarily inherently bad, but they're just not the best, you know? Like, there's lots of tools in the toolkit of life, and it's not that some are inherently wrong, but they get in the way of way better tools.

You know? And so what we wanna present everyone, present to everyone today to consider is that there's a better way of looking at things. There's a better way of introspecting. There's a better way of seeing the world around you. Because you could still be kinda happy and be a person who gets offended all the time, but you could be really happy really on mission, I like how you used that phrase, really on mission, really focused towards Christ, really focused towards your marriage. It's gonna be way easier, way more fun if you're not offendable. And so the second big benefit, or the second big reason, really, why this, topic is important is really for us as Christians, okay? And so, you know, this episode's gonna have a lot to do with, you know, our marriage specifically, but then also, like, our walk as believers. And really it's important because why would anyone want to be a Christian if we don't look any different than the rest of the world, you know?

The rest of the world is offended constantly at all times. And why would anyone wanna be a Christian if we say, "Hey, you should be a Christian. not only because, you know, Jesus died on the cross and saved you from your sins and has granted you eternal life and all that, but you'll be so much happier, and you'll be so much more on mission-" " and you'll, you'll be such a joyful, spirited person." And, you know, and you tell someone, "Go read the Bible and that'll tell you all about what being a Christian's like." And you read the fruits of the spirit, and you read about all these beautiful things. And then if we're telling people that, like, if that's our pitch, but then they see us getting offended at everything, then they're gonna be like, "Well, why would I become a Christian if it doesn't actually change me?" You know? Like, what is the evidence that believing in God will actually make me change the way I behave, think, feel, respond, et cetera?

Well, then there's no point. And so I think one of the biggest detriments to the church and to the modern-day Christian is telling people, "Hey, come be a believer. Come be a Christian, and the God who created the universe, his spirit will live inside of you, and it'll change everything about you." And then if on that same token we, you know, turn to another situation, we're like, "Oh, I can't believe they did that. Like, I, I, I'm offended by that, you know? And I'm, my, I'm hurt that they did that. I'm, I'm offended. I c just can't believe that," you know, then people are gonna say, "Well, I, I, I thought you said if I believe in Jesus, like, my life is gonna change." "I'm not gonna look like the world, and, and, I, I'm gonna look like this different person."

Rachel: Not tossed by the waves, right?

Austin: Yeah. I'm not gonna be tossed by these waves. I'm gonna be like Christ and yet everyone who's selling me on this is not walking it out. And I'm not saying that Christians have to be perfect by any means. That's, that's why we go to church. Okay? 'Cause we're imperfect people. But there's something to be said about what a Christian's life looks like when the, the, especially w the longer that we walk with Christ, really and truly the more sanctified, the more holy, the more set apart we should become because our love of Christ compels us to be better, and our love of Christ compels us to walk better, and our love of Christ compels us to be changed from the inside out. And all the change that we make in us actually benefits other people. Like, later in the episode we're gonna talk about empathy, you know? And so the more solid and whole I am the more healed myself is between myself and God, the more I kinda have this transcendent self where it's like God's self kind of in me the more empathetic I can become.

And the more empathy I can give other people, the more I can love them, and the higher the chance they're probably ever gonna turn to Christ anyways. So needless to say, today's topic is really important. And I'm, I'm excited to dive into it. So Rachel, what would you say is the actual problem? Like, wh why, why are, why, why, why is a significant portion of Christians, i let alone the whole world, but Christians like, why, why are they offendable?

Rachel: Yeah. It's, it's, you know, like you said, being tossed by those waves happens when we aren't rooted in truth. And what I mean by that is knowing who we are, knowing our values, and actually loving ourselves unconditionally which means receiving that love from Christ. So if we haven't fully received that, and we don't believe that and know that we know that we're worthy, valuable, loved, whole, then yeah, if somebody says something that kinda calls that into question, if we have a question about that, if at our core we're not really sure if it's true or not- Then we're gonna be looking for affirmation in everyone, and then the moment somebody says something that might confirm the things we don't love about ourselves then bam, we're gonna be, "I can't believe they said that." Of course, that's projection.

Austin: Mm-hmm, because you actually can't believe you feel that way about you.

Rachel: And what I say, you know, some people will say, "No offense," or they'll say something like, "Oh, I don't wanna offend you or anything." I'll say, "Hey, I'm unoffendable. Like, you don't have to worry about me," 'cause offense is in the eye of the receiver. And so that's something we say a lot is, "Offense is in the eye of the receiver." I choose whether to be offended or not. So

Austin: Well, and I, I think you said it perfectly, and I like to look at it too as, like, a gauge. You know, where if you use every other person in the world as a gauge as to whether your beliefs are true or not or, your values are accurate or not, or that your position, stance, theology, et cetera, are accurate, then everyone does become a gauge to you, you know? And when you do that, then you are tossed by the waves, you know, of, of even other religions, right? And so if we allow other people to be that gauge, we'll never be solid. You know, because ultimately at the end of the day, Christians really have a hard time with being so solid. And sometimes it comes back to, like, apologetics and even things like that like, being able to defend our faith and defend our values. You know? And sometimes we don't spend enough time, you know. It's kinda like when sometimes people are like, "Oh, it's just a relationship and nothing else."

And yes, at the core, our faith is a relationship with Jesus. But relationships call you to other ancillary aspects. Like, for you and I, it's not just a relationship. You know, it's how I pursue you support you, the life we build together. And it's, it's you seeing the application of this relationship that

Rachel: It's every choice I make

Austin: It, it validates that we have a relationship. And so, you know, for a Christian, something like apologetics is, like, because I'm compelled by the love I feel between me and Christ, because I feel compelled by that- I'm going to learn about my faith. I'm gonna learn about the history of the church. I'm gonna learn about Anyways, and so when we don't do that, okay, when we're not solid, when we haven't really taken the time to establish who we are, what we know is true w what we know God actually says about us, it can be easy to be thrown off of that. And so, the, the core problem here is that most Christians have a very conditional approach, to their identity, their values, their worth et cetera, that someone can very easily throw them off. Okay? And, you know, it means that, you know, that gauge is this, like, my value is subject to what someone else would say or not say, you know? And so as long as everyone agrees with me, doesn't object to my values, doesn't object to what I say, well, then I can know that I'm good.

But that's a conditional approach, you know? And, and if we look at life, and if we look at people through the lens of scripture, if we look at our own beliefs and base them on the lens of scripture then we really can't be wrong when it comes to that, you know? And so most Christians have this fundamental problem with just being conditional in that approach.

Rachel: And I wanna appreciate you, because very early on in our marriage, I remember you said something about, you said, "Rachel, if you're, if you allow other people to dictate how you feel about yourself, you're never gonna win." Or, like- "If you're waiting for the world to give you what you want, like that approval you're always gonna be at the mercy of the world, and you're always gonna be miserable."

Austin: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that, that quote is basically if you're waiting on anyone or anything okay, to allow you to feel how you wanna feel, to validate what you believe is true, to walk in the identity you wanna walk in, then you're basically a slave to all, all, all these external factors, waiting for them. If you're waiting for them to finally say you're a great mom, finally say you're a great wife

Rachel: Say, "Oh, I'm so proud of you." "Wow, you did it," you know?

Austin: Yeah. Ex exact- If, if you like, if I surveyed the whole world, and let's just say that I ask the whole world this question, like, "Is Rachel an amazing child of God?" Okay? "Is she worthy? Is she amazing? Is she a great mom, great wife, great g great leader, great ministry, you know, person?" And if I, if I, if I said, "Rachel, guess what? I surveyed the whole world and it was an overwhelming yes," right? Like, it'd be tempting to kinda go to this peak, this mountaintop of like, "I can't believe the whole world agrees that I'm great. So now I can finally believe that, like, what God says about me is true

Rachel: Oh, and I'm so happy

Austin: That I'm a masterpiece. Yeah, and I'm, that I'm a masterpiece, and I'm made in His image, and it's so great." And then if the next day I called you, and if I was like, "Hey, Rachel, psych." "I made that up. I didn't survey the whole world. Or actually, I did, and they all said that you're terrible." You know, would you go, "Ooh," all the way down? If we're that conditional, okay, then we're not living by what's true. And we wanna be people of integrity. And as Christians, our integrity means we align with the word of God, period. There's no other version of integrity for a Christian, period. you cannot be a Christian and not align to the word of God. It's, that's that's impossible. And so that's our actual measuring stick. Like, that's our actual gauge is the word of God. And so most Christians have a really hard time with being solid even in the face of other people disagreeing with them not liking them.

Okay? I mean, how many times have, you know, we had to face, like, you know, people leaving a ministry we were a part of, you know? Because they didn't like the ministry or the church, or they didn't like us or something like that. And if every time that happened, which we have a great example we'll share later about this. But, like, if every time we let that happen, we let it deflate us all the way down to nothing, then all, then the, the, you know, how many years of ministry, 15 years of ministry we've done together would not be effective. Because every time we would have a loss, it would deflate us down to nothing.

Rachel: Yeah. So Austin, what do you think the solution is? Tell our listeners what is the solution to this problem. If somebody says, "Okay, yeah, like, some things you're saying is hitting home with me. I think I might be easily offended," or- "I just wanna be unoffendable. What do I do?"

Austin: Yeah. Well, I'm gonna start with what might feel like the cliche church answer. But we're gonna unpack it, 'cause it really is the, it really is the answer. You know, I like to think about Michael Scott in K-I-S-S, right? Keep it simple, stupid. Like, some things in life actually can be simple and, and I, I think that that's the clarity that we're offered through scripture and that we're offered through that relationship with Christ is that it can be simpler than we think. But you know, the, the solution really comes down to we have to know who we are, what we're about. We have to know our identities, our values, our vision for our life, who we belong to at an unconditional level. That nothing can change that or shake us up or stop that. Because we live in a world that does not honor God. Okay, and in this generation, it honors God the least it ever has, okay? And I could, I could pull statistics about, you know, all kinds of things about, about the church and the way the world sees the church and, and, and all that.

But we're at a place now where we're in an environment that least honors God the very most, where Look at the advertisements that are allowed on the side of the highway. Okay? Look at the amount of, of strip clubs that you can see down the highway. look, look at the amount of, of a advertisements for, you know, gender change, you know, procedures and for, for

Rachel: The inability for you to be on Instagram without something coming up.

Austin: Right, like I, I don't even hardly get on Instagram because you know, they, they skew content that's so, you know, sexualized, that I just can't hardly be on it. You know? And that we're in this world where, you know, people can just openly, deny God. They can openly try to ridicule God in the church. They can, they can mock the church. You know, they can mock anyone's faith, for that matter. you know, I don't agree with, that anyone should be able to mock anyone's faith, you know? like on, like on advertisements in TV, you know, where anyways, we're just in this world where there is the most opportunity, you know, to feel persecuted, right? But it's the time where we have to rise up the most to where we can be unshakable to that, that we can be so solid in our faith where someone could come up to you and say, "And, and you're stupid, and God's not real, and Christians are judgmental," and, and, and all these things, and just realize, "This is a wounded person.

This is a wounded person-" "saying this to me," okay? And I, and I'm gonna take a stance that they're more wounded than wicked, okay? because more than likely they're being this way because they were traumatized. They were hurt. They were abandoned. They were neglected. They've never known the love of Christ. Like, that's a disadvantage, okay? you know, like, I don't believe in, you know, most of the sense of the idea of privilege, okay? But I feel privileged to have known the love of God my entire life. If there's any advantage I've ever had, I, I, I've known the love of God my entire life. My parents raised me in the church. They, they led by example my life for faith. And so because I've known Christ's love my entire life, it changes the way I see people. So when someone tries to offend me, or someone tries to offend you, I can look at them through these eyes of, "I'm 99% sure they did not grow up with the love of Christ, and that's why they're this way."

And I feel bad for that. So rather than getting offended by someone trying to offend me, I just wanna be empathetic because hurting people hurt people. Victimizers were victims first. You know? And so when we are that solid, that's how the world changes. Where someone can come up to you and try to persecute you, try to hurt you, try to offend you, all that, and you can just look back at them with these, like, through that lens of Christ, okay? and, and be able to see them the way Jesus sees them. That, that puts you back into a place of power 'cause it puts you back into a place of unconditional love, all right? And so

Rachel: Can I- I was gonna say, in the same way in our marriage, you know, if your spouse says something that you feel the, you know, tch woof, there's the adrenaline. There's the anger. How dare they? Well, that is In the same way, if they actually said something, and it's not your own landmine, which we'll talk about, if they actually said something that is offensible, offending then you can get curious as to, "Wow, what's going on with my spouse? What would bring them to say that?" Again, hurting people hurt people. So if you're ever, you know, less than your normal amazing self, I know something's up. Like, if Austin has a tense tone in his voice, then I know, oh, something's up with Austin. And then I can take responsibility also for myself of receiving the tense tone with whatever story I have.

Austin: Yeah, right, exactly. And then because you and I have agreements around that, then you can come to me and say, "Hey, here's how I'm feeling. Here's what's going on in me. and here's what I'm noticing in you, and I'd like an opportunity to, like, talk about that together." You know, because one thing that I, I believe really strongly about is, you know, as people get way closer in relationships, this is kind of a little bit of a bunny trail here, but as people get really close in relationships, they begin to accept influence, you know? 'Cause you and I co-create life together. You know, and, this kinda comes out of the Gottman world, but at, the closer we get, the more influence we accept. And so that means that the more of our environment, the more the container that we build, that we exist in together, the more influence within that container we accept. And I think that if you're in a car with someone and they start smoking, you have three choices, okay?

You can either just bear the smoke and not say anything. You can ask them to stop, or you can get out of the car. And I'm not saying metaphorically get out of the marriage, but what I'm saying is that we all have the opportunity to regulate what we experience. And we all have the opportunity to regulate what barriers of intimacy that we, we have or we don't have. And so, and when we are willing to recognize that we have the ability to either ask the person to stop smoking or for us to get out of the car or for us to just deal with it, because we have that power, then we get to decide how much influence we do accept from each other and in what areas and when do we stop that. And that allows you and I to take a high level of responsibility for our experience in our marriage. Which side note, if you haven't watched the episode on responsibility, I think it's episode two

Rachel: Three

Austin: Three, four?

Rachel: It's three.

Austin: Three. Great memory, girl.

Rachel: Girl.

Austin: Girl. Hey, girl. yeah, episode three. Go back and watch that episode because it'll help you understand what being a response able person looks like. All right, so back to this idea of what unconditional looks like, and man, there, there's so many different schools of thought of psychology, of counseling models that we use that go back to this, but it's really the, the, um Sorry. It's I'm not gonna edit that out 'cause I'm just being human here. It's the idea of from our identity, all other things sprout from there, okay? When our identity is set, it changes the way we feel. It changes what we believe about ourself, what I believe about you, what I believe about the whole world. That's gonna predicate different emotional responses from me and then different behaviors. And so most Christians have a hard time with a felt sense of their identity. Right? And so I think it's really important that we know what our identity is. Because if you really believe- Yeah you're a child of God, if you really believe it- Mm if you really believe that Christ died for you, knowing everything you've ever thought of, said, or done- Yeah that you ever have done or will do, and He's still glad He made you- Mm-hmm like, He's still proud that He made you- Yeah okay, mo most of what's gonna resolve a lot of trauma is, is, and this is kind of another quick aside, is realizing that for most of us, some of the most painful moments of our childhood was being afraid our parents didn't like us- Yeah and that they regretted making us- Mm and that they regretted being in our proximity, like when we struggle.

Yeah. And so one of the most healing aspects a Christian can ever take on, and, and, and you're not gonna necessarily be able to take this on from me saying it. Like, this is where the work is done- Mm like with, with, like with professionals like Rachel and I or other, other Christian, you know, count counselors, coaches like us. But it's understanding that God knew everything about you, and He didn't regret making you. Yeah. God knew everything you've ever said, thought, or done, and He's still proud of you. He's still proud of Himself for making you, and He still wants to be in your presence. Mm-hmm. Think about that for a minute. Just give that a second. Everything you've ever thought of, said, or done, God makes no mistakes. Mm-hmm. Okay? He is still glad He made you. He's still thankful. He's your father. Yeah. He's still thankful that you're here, despite everything. Okay? That's healing. That's reparative to especially that really common developmental wound that most Christians carry about whether their parents actually like them or not, actually- Yeah as to whether their parents were glad they made them or not.

So I was googling, looking for, like, a list of scriptures, you know- Mm-hmm that really define our identity. And, and so I found one that is so good that I was like- Yeah "You know what? Like, I'm just gonna cite this article, and it's, 'cause it's gonna save me a ton of time." And I, I wanna credit these people for putting this article together. Yeah. But I found a really cool article by LCBC Church. they're, they're in Pennsylvania. I think they've got some campuses, in Pennsylvania, and I'm gonna put a link to this article in the description and in the comments, below. But it's a really amazing article, and it has 31 scriptures that define our identity, and I think the common Christian, if you said, "Find for me in scripture- Mm tell me based on fact found in God's Word what your value is, what your identity is," Mm-hmm a lot of Christians are gonna have a hard time doing that. And so I want everyone to check out this article.

Again, we're gonna put a, we're gonna put a link in it so you can see, you can read these, but I'm just gonna read six real quick, okay? In Romans, it says, "You are accepted," in John, it says, "You are chosen," in Galatians, it says, "You are free," in 1 John, he says, "You are forgiven," in 2 Corinthians, Paul says, "You are a new person," in John- Mm he says, "You are a child of God." Mm-hmm. And so there's 25 other scriptures in this article totaling 31 truths about our identity, and sometimes allowing the head knowledge to get down to the heart- Yeah is kind of the hardest part. Mm-hmm. But I think that if we remind ourselves of those truths every day, every day, every day, over and over and over again, go read these 31 scriptures that actually define your identity- Yeah it's going to shift something in you. Mm-hmm. Okay? It, it's, it's going to click something inside of you that's gonna help you respond the way you wanna respond, feel the way you wanna feel, and behave the way, the way you want to behave, but it all starts with identity.

Yeah. And the problem is if you think that you're some dirty, terrible, depraved person who's never gonna get it right, and you'll only accept that you're a child of God once you've lived your life perfectly, you'll never, ever get there. Mm-hmm. But once you say, "Because I am a child of God," 'cause that's my identity, "Because I am a child of God, I'm going to behave this way," your life will change instantaneously. 'Cause let me tell you, the greatest gifts in life you can never earn, so you have to live up to it. Okay, I, Rachel is so amazing, I could never earn her. God gave her to me as a gift. So if I think she's amazing, it must mean I'm a halfway decent husband, okay? At, at- Yeah at a minimum. So then what do I do? I live up to it. I live up to the calling of a great husband, a husband worthy of Rachel. If I believe I'm a husband worthy of Rachel, I'm gonna live up to that, because I can't earn it.

There's nothing I could do in this life that would make me earn this beautiful bride. Just like none of us could do anything in life to make us earn Jesus dying on the cross. Yeah. But He did it. He did it, so what He's saying is, "I did this for you. Now you're a new creation in Christ. You're a new creation to me, so live up to it." So when a Christian finally realizes that they can't earn what Jesus did on the cross, they can't earn things like this amazing spouse, they have to live up to it, they will fundamentally change everything about, about how they behave. Mm. We, we go back to the cognitive models. We go back to behaviorism. What you believe about yourself, what you think about yourself, it will dictate what you do. And if you think that you're some dirty, terrible, horrid sinner, whatever, and, and yes, I understand, I understand the origins of sin. I understand original sin and all those things.

I'm paraphrasing a little bit here. But if you carry with you this belief that you're not a solid man or woman of God that's worthy of God's love, that's worthy of your spouse's love, then you'll let the whole world be the gauge as to how good of a job you're doing. Mm-hmm. And that's what makes you so offendable. Okay? It's like if I think I'm not doing a great job, and then someone's like, "Oh, wow, you're a Christian? Man, you're, you're stupid for being a Christian, like, how could you believe in a God that whatever?" And you're like, "Oh, shoot. Yeah, like, that's true. Like, I don't Oh, my gosh. Yeah, maybe they're right," and like, "Oh," and then what you do is you project your own fear on them, okay? Because usually when someone's trying to offend you and you get offended, it's because they're actually right and you don't wanna face it, okay? And so- Right the ability to actually- Yeah go, "Wow, what they're saying is making me second-guess something," and- Mm-hmm instead of being upset with yourself for not being solid about your beliefs, you get upset with them.

Okay, we're gonna talk more about that in a second, but that's a lot of where offense actually comes from. But if we're that solid, we won't get to that place. If we're that solid, we, we will believe it, and we'll live up to the identity that God's given us. So i if you take nothing else from this episode, I wanna encourage you, I really do believe that the moment a Christian is willing to truly accept that identity and they live from it- Mm-hmm okay, they live up to it versus trying to earn it, it shifts everything that they do. Because if you spend your whole life believing that you're this bad person, for one, your, your, your brain and your heart are gonna trick you- Mm 'cause they like continuity. So- If you believe false thoughts about yourself, you're gonna do things that match those false thoughts. So if you think that you're this terrible, dirty, depraved, horrible, you know, sinner person, if you don't believe that you're a saint, if you don't believe that you've been bought by the blood of Christ, if you don't believe that you are a son of God, okay, a brother to Jesus essentially, then you're gonna, you're gonna behave in a way that matches that negative belief.

But if you believe those things to be true about you, it, y your behavior will match those beliefs. And so when a Christian is unoffendable, part of it's because they take that identity seriously, and they believe it, and they act from it versus to act to earn it. 'Cause it's like what we've talked about before, like, you know, if a woman struggles with thinking she's beautiful because she's not as skinny as she wants to be, then what she's gonna do is she's gonna go, "Once I'm skinny, then I'll think I'm beautiful." And that journey is hard.

Rachel: Yeah, nobody wins that way. Like, it's very, very difficult to Let's say a woman is wanting to lose weight, which I have done. I've had four kids, and- I'm not the type that has this genetic disposition to just be a rail all the time. And so like what you see is the results of intentionality and, focus. And I'm just gonna apologize. My voice sounds like a man. Like, I sound like I'm dying, which I'm not.

Austin: You don't have to clear your You, you don't have to apologize.

Rachel: I just have a little something going on, which I'm just appreciating myself for showing up and

Austin: For showing up to the podcast even though

Rachel: Not wanting to take a day off. I do not want to take a day off.

Austin: I think what it was was one of our cats had kittens this morning. And she had the kittens under this couch.

Rachel: It was so cute.

Austin: And there were, like, all these old leaves under the couch. And I think, like, getting into all those leaves

Rachel: An outdoor couch, by the way

Austin: Out out outdoor couch. Yeah, it's not inside our house. An outdoor couch that, that one of our cats had kittens under. 'Cause I think when I mess with those leaves there's, like, mold and, like, just like, the whole winter's worth of moisture under there. That's probably what dusted this up for you.

Rachel: Yeah. Anyway

Austin: But I appreciate you being here despite

Rachel: Yeah, thank you. And so the times when I've been hard on myself, like, "Oh, Rachel, like, you know, I can't I'm frustrated with you that you just like sugar so much, that you haven't been sticking to your goals," you know, when I'm looking at my body or looking at myself without appreciation, without love, without grace, then it's way harder for me to get to that goal. Now, if I say, "Rachel, because I love you, because, you know, you are a daughter of Christ and your body is the temple, you get one body and he chose this one for you and you birthed four babies or however many at that number it was. Because you did this, I love you and appreciate you, and because of that, I'm gonna feed you really well. I'm gonna take care of you, and the result will be you're gonna feel better. You're gonna have more energy. Yes, you might also be, you know, sexier in

Austin: More sexier, yeah

Rachel: Bed undressed, you know, all that stuff. But Austin still loves you, and you should love you. And I So the more I love myself where I'm at and the more I have appreciated myself, even at my, even at my worst parts, you know, there are so many ways, things to appreciate myself for. I mean, heck, when I am at my biggest weight or when I have had the hardest time, there's so much to appreciate myself for. You know? Like, hey, I appreciate that you got yourself through a tough season, you know? Or you did what you needed to do to help that baby get to the earth side. And you did it, Mama. So whatever it is. And, but

Austin: But yeah, but all that to say, if you put identity at the end of your actions then you'll, you'll, you'll never get there.

Rachel: You'll always be

Austin: And it'll, and it'll always be difficult. So like, if the woman says, "I won't think I'm beautiful till I'm skinny-" that's almost impossible. But if she's willing to say, "Because I am beautiful, because I am a daughter of God and a child of God, then I will make great decisions." "Then I will take good care of this temple," then it's, it's it happens much more powerfully. And again, that's also just a root foundational cause of being offendable is not being solid in your identity. So, again, I think I said this before, we're gonna put the, a link to this article, and we really want people to go to the article, read all 31 of these verses. Go flag every single one of them in your Bible, okay? Rachel's a big fan of,

Rachel: My highlighters.

Austin: Yeah, her highlighters and her, tab, flag thingies.

Rachel: Yeah, my tabs.

Austin: Your tabs.

Rachel: Bible tabs.

Austin: Yeah, Bible tabs.

Rachel: I like making it pretty.

Austin: Yeah. We'll put a link to some Bible tabs, you know in the description as well. Spoiler alert, it's probably an Amazon affiliate link. Thanks for helping us make a, a, a 100th of a cent

Rachel: 2 cents, yeah

Austin: If you buy them. So

Rachel: That's great

Austin: So let's move on, Rach. what do you think are the benefits? Like, if we solve this problem of being offendable in our marriage and in our faith, what do you think the benefits are?

Rachel: Well, for one, we just aren't offendable, so we show up better. You know, like we were saying at the very beginning, we're able to just minister to people. One, we're happier at a baseline. two, we're not, you know, we're not tossed by other people's opinions. I remember very early on in our marriage, you know, through a lot of the stuff, you know, we've shared going through my parents' divorce and stuff, we made some choices that were best for us, that we knew were best for us, and a lot of people, on certain sides of our family didn't agree with that. And in fact, to this day, a lot of those people don't talk to me. Most of my family on a certain side just totally disowned me. And I came face to face with, do I really love myself way back then. And it was, yes, like, I know that I am in integrity by making this choice. I know that I'm Only at any Only Like, they don't even know.

They have no idea.

Austin: Right, yeah, they just don't know.

Rachel: I know what I need for healing. I know what's best for us, and I know I'm in integrity. And so

Austin: Because you know that our marriage is your first ministry.

Rachel: Yes. Our marriage was our first ministry then. It always has been, always will be. And so I was able to just love them and release them in love and know, like- It's okay Because I'm okay. I'm okay over here, and it's okay if they're not okay about it over there. Because I can't control them. But I do get to live with me and I'm gonna just enjoy that.

Austin: Yeah, 'cause if they're in their integrity over here, and I'm in my integrity here you know, then you, we can't judge people by our values. We can only judge people by the values they subscribe to. So if they're a believer, if they're a Christian, then they, then our versions of integrity look the same, okay? But if, if, but if someone else has a different value of like, "Hey, I'd rather be, you know, right than happy," or, you know, if they have a value of, "Well, you know, you have to do blank, blank, and blank before I'll love you"- and they believe in conditional love well you know, then it's like I g we don't see the world the same way, you know? And so,

Rachel: There's

Austin: I, I can't judge a, a frog by its ability to climb a tree. Or wait, no, that's not the saying. What is it? I can't, I can't judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. I can't remember who said that, but, because that's not what they do. And if, and if certain people don't do what we do, then I can't judge them by that. Like, I can judge people by the fruit that they bear, okay? I mean, really it's, it's, you know, the good tree, bad fruit you know, part of Matthew. But I think it's really important that we realize that our version of integrity is alignment with the word of God, and if other people are not gonna be in alignment to that, like it just is what it is. You know? And until they're in a community or a, a relationship with us where, you know, we're in a church setting together that we can then follow a Biblical prescription on going to each other then there's nothing really we can do.

And, and, and we have to just be okay with that, you know? And, and God'll reconcile all things one day, you know? So

Rachel: We get to be okay with that.

Austin: Yeah, we get to be okay with that. Like, we get to effect change and impact in where God has us planted. and God'll reconcile everything else. 'Cause you could spend your whole life in worry and anxiety about every wrong thing and every, hurting person in the whole world and, and how you're gonna correct the way they see everything. We're never gonna get there. another big benefit here is, like, and I, I'm glad you brought that up, because I wanted to talk about marriage first. Another piece is when we become unoffendable, we stop projecting our insecurities on each other. And, and that's, that's one of the biggest things that, you know, most couples struggle with is they have an insecurity about themself, they project it on the other person and then blame them for how they feel about themselves. Because at the end of the day, you can't really make someone feel something they don't already feel about themselves. Or you can't make someone believe what they don't already believe about themselves, or at least believe it a little bit.

Okay? because here's the thing. If someone says something to you that you think could be offensive, and you just find it interesting, then you have no attachment to it. It's like if someone came up to me and said, "Oh, Austin, your biceps are so small," okay? I'd be like, "Oh, that's interesting." 'Cause I don't, like I, I don't take offense to that. Like, I don't have gigantic biceps and, and I'm completely at peace with that. Okay? I mean, I know some people might, might think that I do if they, if they see these things in the camera, and that's fine. If you do, leave that in the comments. I don't mind. But- I'm okay with that. Like, I'm at peace with that. But if someone said, "Hey, Austin, like man, your biceps are kinda small," I'm like, "Oh, wow, that was mean." Well, that means I have an attachment to it, and that means that I actually probably secretly agree. Okay? And part of what will change me is if I love myself enough to face that belief and not hide from it.

'Cause a lot of times we get offended because we actually agree. And inst and then we take that pain and we project it onto them as if they're offending us. "How dare you comment about my biceps?" Well, it's like, okay, it, it's sort of a unequivocal fact that I don't have gigantic biceps. So, like, I love myself and my, you know, average biceps. Okay? They're average, okay? Okay? I'm not getting offended about this. but if, but if someone did say that and I got super freaked out about it, then I'd have to come to grips with the idea of, okay- I have an attachment to that comment, you know? I have an attachment to that. And that means that I probably agree with them. And if I know my identity, then I can love myself despite having small biceps. If I don't know my identity, then I might think, "If I don't have big biceps, people don't love me and then I'm not worthy, and then I'm not valuable."

That's me letting the world dictate my identity and my value versus me letting God do it.

Rachel: This is part of my appreciation for you earlier. A good example of how, you know, you don't enable me. The other, like, some week ago or something I was doing something, and you're like, "Hmm, sounds like you have an attachment to that. What are you feeling about yourself?" Like, this is, like, how conscious like, learning, quote, air quotes, "learning opportunities" go, where it's like, oh, okay, like, which we have an agreement to say- "Hey, do you, you have an attachment there?" 'Cause I was having a reaction to something, and you were like, "So what's your attachment? What are you feeling about yourself? Is there something you need to love?" I was like, "Oh, yeah, yeah."

Austin: Yeah, and then you did. And you were like, "Yeah, I just, I want to love," blah, blah, blah, "about myself more- 'cause that's who God says I am." And then you did. And I can remember that. But I can't remember what it was about.

Rachel: I don't remember what it was about either. But I was like, "Oh, yeah, that's good." I call it burn so good, where you're like, "Oh, yeah."

Austin: Yeah, burn.

Rachel: It's, it's, that's real.

Austin: It's like a good workout. It's like a good heart mind, soul workout.

Rachel: It's like, "Ah, growth, mm, yeah."

Austin: Mm, juicy.

Rachel: Yeah. Thanks, babe.

Austin: So the other set of benefits comes to us just as being Christians in general. When we're unoffendable, people want to be in community with us.

Rachel: Yeah. It's fun.

Austin: Yeah. They wanna be in community with us. they want to know what we believe who we believe in, and why we live for God, and why we don't look like the rest of the world. You know, I think of some of the most powerful times in our life where God set us up to minister to people it was predicated by, "Hey, you guys live your life completely different than other people that I know." "Why?" Like, "I, I noticed the way you spoke to that person. I noticed the way that you love that person. I noticed the way you didn't get upset at that person." "And I really wanna know, like, wow, like, where'd you learn to do that? Like, you ask interesting questions. Like, you ask questions that are interested about other people. Like, you don't get offended by others. Like, you, you love people." That's the type of ministry that we want to have. We want a ministry where our behavior and our words and our presence and our ethos speaks for itself.

One of the highest compliments anyone can ever get ever is, "I can be myself around you." And that's s that's things I've heard people say to you constantly. Is like, "Rachel, I just really feel like I can be myself around you." You know? Because you hold this space for people where you know what you're about. Okay? It's the difference to between being a lighthouse and a tugboat, and we should probably just have a whole episode on that. But Rachel, like you lighthouse people, because you can hold space for people and it doesn't change you. Like, you can be with someone that's different than you and you love them so well, and that they're like, "Hmm, usually someone pushes me away," or, "Usually someone," you know, "judges me," or, "Usually someone this," but like, Rachel just holds this really firm, loving position with me. And just really like, I wanna know what you believe, because you're not like the world. Like, that's the whole point. So

Rachel: I do really love people. And it's because, like, I feel that love of God

Austin: Yeah, and you have accepted it

Rachel: And because I've accepted it, it's like I'm, I'm emotional saying this right now, like I j- I just wanna love people. Like, I just Like what you're saying, I know it's true and I really appreciate you saying that, because yeah, when I sit down at a table with a group of women, or when I, you know, we go and speak, and like I can just look at all these people and I just love them. And I just want them to know, like all the listeners listening right now, like I just want you to know the same love that I have. Because everywhere you go, it's like dripping. I, you can't help it, you know? It's like I just love people so much. Going to the grocery store is fun because it's like, oh, there's people everywhere, and and everybody's starving.

Austin: And you'll always, you'll always find an excuse to connect with someone.

Rachel: Everybody's starving for love. And it's so, like I love that on our date nights we always, you know, it's just natural, we just

Austin: Yeah, we always tip really well. It's kind of like a

Rachel: Minister to people

Austin: Date night tradition

Rachel: I like how that's where you went. I wasn't gonna say tipping, but

Austin: Well, yeah

Rachel: That's a whole nother ep

Austin: Yeah, that's a whole nother thing. Yeah.

Rachel: But like, we like to go to the grocery store and grab snacks on our reward day, or on our date nights.

Austin: Our date night is usually paired with our reward meal. We used to call it a cheat meal, but it feels better to say

Rachel: The psychology of that isn't as good

Austin: Reward meal. So usually we get to eat somewhere fun. And then we go to the store and we get

Rachel: Go to the Hy-Vee

Austin: Gluten-free double stuffed Oreos. And, we get the late July

Rachel: Shameless

Austin: Corn chips. 'Cause they are- You have an attachment to that?

Rachel: Yeah. I know, I'm like, I know they're still not healthy. I know they're still not healthy.

Austin: What's your attachment to this? Do you need people to see you as a certain way?

Rachel: Uh-huh. Yeah. The seed oils.

Austin: Yeah, the seed oils. We have seed oils once a week.

Rachel: I don't stress out over seed oils, okay? yes, but sometimes.

Austin: But yes, you are

Rachel: Anyway.

Austin: I wanna finish that thought. You really do love people. And the way that you love people, like again, some of the most powerful times I've ever seen someone come to know God is just because they realize you ticked differently than other people. That's it. You know, because we can say it all, we can quote scripture, we can pray, we can do all that, but the most important thing that we can do is to show the world who we are, and to be solid, to be unconditional. that's one of the biggest benefits, okay? Is that once people see what life is like when you're full of the Holy Spirit, they'll realize, oh, the rest of the world isn't like this. I could have all the money, fame sex, power, cars, houses, 401ks, you name it, but all those people are miserable. But you, over here, the one big distinction you have, or at least the distinction you claim is Jesus. 'Cause remember the old saying, it's like the only difference between a Christian and a pre-Christian is Jesus?

That really is the truth. Because they see, the world sees you can have everything and be miserable, but we, who may not have everything the world has, but we have one thing it doesn't have. And when they see that one thing, they're like, "I wanna be like that. I've tried all the world, it didn't work. I wanna be like that."

Rachel: Yeah. So we left them hanging on the Oreos. Like, the whole point of the Oreo story was to say that, I love that when we go on dates, we're, you know, we get to go to the store together, and this last one I was like, "I challenge you to make him laugh." And you were like, "Challenge accepted." Did you say that or did I say it for you?

Austin: No, I, I said, "Challenge accepted."

Rachel: Okay. Yeah. And of course you made him laugh like three times.

Austin: Well, his name was Hunter. And I was like, "Is your last name Gatherer? 'Cause that would be cool. Hunter Gatherer."

Rachel: Is that what made him laugh?

Austin: That's the first time he laughed, yeah.

Rachel: Yeah. Anyway. so yeah, I have fun with you, but it's just so much fun just spreading that love. Like, it's contagious, it's fun. And so yeah, the more that we are filled with love to overflowing, offense doesn't even register. You know? And that's, that's another thing, like people have said things to me where I almost, I laughed 'cause I didn't even understand that they were saying something offensive, because people don't talk to me like that. Like, I don't surround myself

Austin: Well, I think some, yeah, sometimes people talk to you like that, but you miss it, because I- I think your heart is so full of grace for people that it's just like And I think you take every, every opportunity where someone's trying to offend you, you just take it as an opportunity to show them- God's love.

Rachel: Yeah. But yeah, I just, like one in particular I just laughed 'cause I didn't even recogn- I was like, what? What's happening? And then, you know, I was super gracious to that person. I, I still have love for them, and I can just see that yeah, the reason they said what they said was they were feeling something about themselves. And that's okay, you know?

Austin: Yeah. Well, let let's go on to just a little bit more context about offense. This episode might end up being two episodes, but, but anyways- 'cause we're, we're, we're, we're, we're going here. so a little context, offense basically means that someone can do or say something that will cause you to feel wronged or harmed or hurt, okay? It means that there's this story that you're telling yourself. Someone says something, does something, it then makes a feeling come up for you or a belief come up for you. Okay? And then the story you tell yourself is they did this deliberately to hurt me. And, and if someone deliberately tried to hurt me, it means that I'm not worthy, I'm not respectable, I'm not worthy of love, or fill in the blank. Okay? And so this means how you feel about yourself is conditional. It's conditional on their opinion of you. It's their, it's a condition of their approval of you, of their agreeance of you. Okay?

And so when we tell ourselves this story that they disagree with us, they offended us, they didn't align with us, they tried to hurt me, then we're telling ourself a story, okay, that we cannot be who we are in the presence of that. Okay? And one way that we've looked at, you know, understanding the word love is love is the ability to be happy, to be centered, grounded, rooted, focused, Christ-centered in the presence of anyone or anything. And so a lotta times people lose love when they're in the presence of someone who doesn't agree with them- 'cause they think then they're not smart, they're not worthy, or they're not lovable because they're being disagreed with. Well, no. Someone just doesn't agree with you. That's, that's life. Okay? But, but and of course that goes back to the development, developmental wounding of we got the most love growing up when we were agreeable amenable, we fell in line, when everyone was on the same page. And so then of course become an adult, we get a bit, little more autonomy, and we start learning more about who we are.

And of course, as Christians, we live in a world where, you know, they say a third of the world is Christian. I don't really believe that, but we live in a world where probably at least one in every 10 people around you are probably, probably only one in 10 people around you are going to agree with you. Like, and Jesus even says, like, "You're going to be persecuted." Like, people are going to disagree with you. They're gonna try to offend you. They're gonna try to devalue you. Like, you're gonna be okay. Okay? And blessed are you for who is persecute persecuted in my name. and so when you are conditional on your value, your identity, you're offendable, okay? And so the real problem is, again, it's your story, okay? It's you are telling yourself the story that you now need to be unsure of yourself. If someone tried to offend you, disagree with you, whatever, you're now, what's happening unconsciously, it's like, "Oh, maybe they're right."

"I'm now unsure. Hmm, maybe I don't actually believe that. Maybe I don't think that. Maybe I am- I'm not that person." and so you're now coming to the, you're now coming to head with the fact that you may be wrong. That maybe you are unsure about what you believe, about who you are, about who you belong to. And most people cannot own that so they blame it on that person, okay? They might say, "Oh, God's not real. He's dead." And if someone goes, "Oh, she offended me," well, it's because they activated something in you. Instead of you being like, "Hmm, they said that to me, and I felt this kinda rush of anger, this rush of fear come over me. I wonder what that means. Like, do I need to be working on my faith? Do I need to be working on my belief? Like, do I need to be just spending more time i in the Word, like, to just kinda shore up, like, who I am?"

When we don't love ourself enough to do that, then that energy gets kinda transmuted as, "You're mean. You're the offender. You're hurting me." And the, again, as we've said, the more sure we are, the less that's ever gonna happen. Because again, the goal is to be unconditional. If we know we're rooted, we know we're grounded in Christ, we know that our, our values, our identity, everything, everything we've said 10 times when we know those things are solid, then it closes that window to be offended. You know you're offended, you know you're offendable when you let other people have the remote control to you. Like, think about times where you were having a great day, someone did something they emailed you, called you, texted you did this, did that, you know, your spouse hid the toothpaste that morning somewhere that you couldn't find it, and you let that mess up your day. You are out of control. They have a remote control to your emotions. And, and, and where is the freedom there?

You know? That's not a way we wanna live.

Rachel: So when you're unoffendable, it means that you own your own landmines. You know, you know, okay, kinda like I said earlier, I, I know I can be int introspective. If something comes up for me, or if I'm upset or feel that rush of adrenaline- I know, oh, okay, there's something there for me. There's something I'm not loving. There's something I'm not accepting or facing. So then I get in, get curious. So being unoffendable means owning your own landmines, and then it also means you have filters. So we might have already mentioned this, but, like, there are, there's a filter that I allow around my heart, around my mind around my soul, and things that I know aren't true, they just don't get in. So, you know, kinda like I was saying, sometimes I just laugh 'cause I'm like, "I don't even, that's not even registering." Like, that doesn't get to come through my filter 'cause it's not true. Like, I just know it's not true.

Austin: Yeah. Well, this goes all the way back to Socrates, you know, and he had three filters, right? And so things would come in his ears, and he believed that he had this filter, you know, from his ears to his heart, you know? And it was, if these things are not true, useful, and kind, then they will not go to his heart. You know, he might hear it, and it's gonna go out the other ear, but he's not gonna let it soak in. And so as Christians, when we're unoffendable, we have filters, too, okay? We have filters that if it doesn't align with the Word of God, if it doesn't seem to resonate with the Spirit of God that is within us, if it is not found as truth, as, as our doctrine, as our, as our core pieces of our identity, if it's not helpful, if it's not useful for building up, you know? Like, think about, you know, the constant amount of scriptures that would define what would be holy wholesome talk.

If it doesn't match those filters, and you get to decide through the l the lens of scripture what those filters are for you, then it doesn't get to our heart. And when someone says something that doesn't get through the filters, generally what we need to, the opportunity that we have is to realize that everything is either an act of love or a cry for love. And that's what changes us. When we realize that everything is an act of love or a cry for love, we change as people, because then once we do that, we begin to have deeper empathy for people. And because if someone says something to me that's loving, I know it comes from an act of love. When they say something to me that maybe isn't loving, I know they're actually crying for love but they're too scared to ask for it. Let me say that again. When someone doesn't ask When, when someone does something loving, it's an act of love.

When it's not loving, they're crying for love because they're too scared to ax ask for love. And so when we have deeper empathy for people, then we can turn the other cheek. And think about what turning the other cheek Here's another way to look at turning the other cheek is you just get slapped, right? Someone tries to slap you, bam. And you turning the other cheek is saying, "I refuse to accept your attack as attack, and I'm going to accept your attack as a cry for love." Now, imagine how the world would change, even between Christians, even between friends, even between communities that we're elbow to elbow with. Imagine if any time we thought there was offense, we had the opportunity to turn the other cheek so then we turn the other cheek and we say, "I refuse to accept that as attack- 'cause I know you. I know the kind of person you are." Okay? I'm not gonna accept that as attack. I know that you're crying for love right now.

Yeah, and even people we don't know, okay? Even people that maybe not are, are a Christian, then we know it's like, hey, if they knew the love of God, they wouldn't be that way. And maybe they do know the love of God and they did that, that means they're struggling. When people aren't happy, whole and flow, having fun, they're just struggling. And that's the way we see our spouse. Like, when whenever you're having an off day, my first thought isn't, "Oh, Rachel's trying to attack me again." "She's shooting arrows of the enemy at me."

Rachel: What a Abby.

Austin: You know, that, that, that's Yeah, that's not what I say. I'm not like, "Wow, Satan is really, you know, make

Rachel: Working through her

Austin: Yeah, working through Rachel right now. I'm like, "Aw, she's struggling today." 'Cause I know the woman she is. I know the woman of God she is. So if my woman of God is having a hard time today, like just being in flow with me, then I, I, I'm gonna be like, "She's struggling. She needs extra support from me." "She needs extra love, extra prayer, extra grace, extra patience." But I can only say that about her and to you because I've accepted God's love fully

Rachel: Yeah, what a man

Austin: For myself. Oh, yeah. Bam. Get me.

Rachel: 'Cause he does that. He's so gracious.

Austin: 'Cause here's the thing. See, we live in a world where anyone can be offended at anyone at any time for anything, and then it's also preached in this world that that's okay and that everyone's justified for that, because it's their truth. Okay, it's

Rachel: I'm offended

Austin: It's their truth and, you know, in the great words of, I think it was Lecrae, it was either Lecrae or Trip Lee or one of those guys

Rachel: Yes. Yeah, Lecrae

Austin: That says, he, he goes, "If my truth says your truth is a lie," you know? It's like, it Oh, no. He says, "If what's true for you is true for you and what's true for me is true for me, what if my truth says your truth is a lie? Come on, man."

Rachel: Yeah. That's old school.

Austin: I can't, can't remember what song. That is old school.

Rachel: That is Lecrae, yeah.

Austin: But it's so true. You know, I'm gonna say it one more time 'cause it's real important. If what's true for you is true for you and what's true for me is true for me, what if my truth says your truth is a lie? Come on, man. All right? So we live in a world where everyone can be offended for any reason and the world tells everyone you have to respect that.

Rachel: You should be Yeah, and you should apologize for for offending them. And so that leads me to a great example that kinda helps under helps me understand early on when I kinda took this perspective it helped me realize, oh, yeah, offense is definitely in the eye of the receiver. Yeah, it's like if you went into a coffee shop. Let's say I go into a coffee shop and I say, "I hate Christians." And, you know, if there's 50 people there, you might get 50 different reactions, but, you know a few, for example, would be one person being like, "How dare you. That, that woman is so rude. I can't believe her." One other person might laugh and be like, "Huh, that girl's crazy." The other person might be like, "she needs some We need to have a discussion about this. I'm going to convince her that Christians are not crazy."

Austin: And someone might be like, "I agree. She's awesome."

Rachel: Someone else might be like, "Wow, that's amazing. Wow, she's witnessing." Some other person might be like, "Wow, this is, really not the way to go about that. If you wanna have a discussion about this, you know."

Austin: Mm-hmm. And some people might be like, "I hate women." Yeah. Yeah, 'cause you just never know.

Rachel: And it just goes to show every single person has a different history belief, life story, you know, stories like we've talked about expectations, all of those things come to play. Everybody has different trauma, different things they've been through, and so they are going to receive things through their own filter through their own stories, through their own landmines. And

Austin: So, so then the question is if I stand up at a coffee shop and say something like that and I could say even something loving like, I could stand up in a coffee shop and say, "I love Christians." And then

Rachel: Oh, yeah. People would get offended

Austin: 10, and then, and then of the fif- 50 people, there's at least 10 different reactions. Like, "Wow, you just offended me because you mentioned Christianity in front of me." Okay, so then the question is, are you responsible for all 10 reactions? Even saying something wholesome- 'Cause I could make an objective argument as a Christian, it wouldn't be wise to go into any public place and say, "I hate Christians." But if you went into a public place and said, "I love " Let's just say you went into a coffee shop and said, "I love God." And let's say, say someone stands up and they're like, "Wow, you offended me. That was terrible of you." Someone might say, "Wow, that was amazing. I love you." "You, you just blessed me." And then again, all the other things you said. The question is are you responsible for all 10 of those reactions?

Rachel: Because offense is in the eye of the receiver. Each person is responsible for whether they let that into the filter of their heart and however they choose to take it is their choice.

Austin: And I encourage any Christian listening that may not agree with what she just said, imagine you were in the coffee shop and someone comes in and says, "I hate Christians." Are you gonna get offended, or are you gonna go, "Challenge accepted"? And are you gonna be willing to be like, "You know what? That person is more wounded than wicked. This is a cry for love. Hurting people hurt people. Victimizors were victims first." "This person actually needs more of God's love," or are you gonna get offended and walk away?

Rachel: So for me, one time I was going to an event. I was a new person there, didn't really know anyone at all, and they were passing out lemonade, and I Someone I was in a group of people that I didn't really know but was trying to get to know, and they were like, "Hey, have some lemonade," and I said, "No," and they're like, "Oh, why not?" And I was like, "Oh, I don't do sugar." You know, health journey hashtag. And, they're like, "Oh- Party pooper. And then they just walked off and I just laughed. I was like, "Aw." You know, I, I could have been, you know, offended by that especially considering some of my childhood trauma with people calling me a party pooper. But I guess I had grown from that already. And,

Austin: Can I, can I call you PP from now on? PEPA. PEPO. If anyone knows that reference, comment it below and maybe you'll win a prize.

Rachel: Oh, gosh. no, but I just thought, "Oh, she's, she's probably feeling insecure-" about, you know, what my integrity with my life choices and me not having sugar brought out in her that she felt the need to say something negative to me when I was just making a really good choice for myself.

Austin: Yeah, and yeah, you knew what you were about. And you didn't need to be offended by what she said. You just responded in love. one example for me was a while back we were doing an event, like a marriage weekend for a church that we are the speakers for. And, a lot of, you know For those of you who haven't been to one of our events, you, you won't know this till you come to one eventually, wink, but the way our style works is we do a lot of teaching. It's very interactive. You're out of your chair as much as you're in your chair. There's a lot of exercises and things that we do. But we work with couples in the crowd. Like, they might have a question, and then so they'll ask a question, and we'll work with them and kind of help coach them through whatever is coming up for them. Well, so there's lots of different methods and things that we teach in these, situations.

And so, one individual, said something to me. I said something back, and then he kind of ob objected to what I said and tried to make me look like I was making the same mistake he was making fun like, making in front of the whole group. And in that moment, I could have been like, "Hey, you don't understand. You're the student. I'm the teacher and you need to just listen better." Instead of doing any of that, I just skipped over, wr what he said, 'cause he basically told me that I was like, that I was like, contradicting myself about something. And I wasn't. It was part of the whole point which he then got in a second. But I just skipped right over and I said, "Hold on. Let me, let's refocus on this. If you blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah, blah, will blah, blah, blah happen?" And he thought about it and he's like, "Yeah." And the dots all connected, and then there's a super powerful moment.

Okay? If I would've gotten offended, and if I would've been like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. You don't get to tell me what to do as the teacher and you're the student," it would, it would've ruined the whole experience. I would've lost all authority in the room because I would've been offended. I would've been unconscious. I would've been doing the exact thing I was teaching him not to do, but I skipped over it and then he got to learn the lesson, and then it was a really powerful moment. And but if I would've been unsure about myself, unsure about what God was calling me to do- 'cause part of what we do in these events is we have tricky conversations with people- 'cause we're helping them navigate difficult parts of their life and their story. And so, yeah, like, if I would've been insecure, I would've, y you know, I would've s that would've been a landmine. Okay? He would've just popped one of my landmines, but I don't have a landmine there, so I was able to just skip over it, and then God was able to use that.

And it was something really cool. So. Let's take a pause real quick and go to our nonprofit shout-out. this is one that's very near and dear to our hearts as well because they're based here in the Kansas City area. This is Hope House, okay? And you can learn more about Hope House at hopehouse.net. And I'm actually gonna read their, a paragraph off their website because, it was way better than what I wrote. Hope House's mission is to break the cycle of domestic violence by providing safe refuge and supportive services that educate and empower those impacted by domestic violence. Hope House will advocate social change that protects and engenders a person's right to live a life free of abuse. This is an amazing organization. They have an amazing facility, and they basically help people, men and women and children, who are victims of domestic abuse. And, they have incredible programs, services. They have, they have, on-site, off-site services. They've got in-patient, out-patient type services where they offer counseling and referrals to other resources they have, secured for you.

And so, we encourage you, if you've enjoyed this episode at all, please pause the episode, go to hopehouse.net, and donate 5, 10, 20, 100, 50, 1,000 bucks. Whatever you got laying around, because we really do, we really do wanna support the nonprofits in the world that are making a big difference in people's lives. So.

Rachel: Yeah. Thank you, babe.

Austin: Yeah. So hopehouse.net.

Rachel: All right. So Austin, what, is our big action item for today? So if somebody's listened to all this, we've given them a lot of information. If they could do one thing what should they do?

Austin: I think if you could do only one thing, which I'd want you to do, like, several things

Rachel: A lot of

Austin: But if it's only one thing. I want you to think of the last time you were offended, that you felt really offended, okay? Where someone, you think someone hurt you, took something away from you. You know, whatever. I want you to think of the last time someone hurt you, and I want you to write that thing down, okay? And then what, what I want you to do is ask yourself, say, "Do I agree with this?" "Is any part of this true? Could any part of this be argued? But do I agree with it even a little bit? Does it align with what I believe about myself? Does it align with what God says about me? Does it align with the truth that's found in scripture?" Okay? If it doesn't, take a deep breath, okay? Breathe in. Breathe in God's grace and God's truth, and breathe out that belief. Breathe out that offense and just let it go, okay? If it doesn't pass through those filters into your heart, breathe out and just let it go. if it doesn't align with the Word of God, if it doesn't l align with what is true about you, then it needs to go.

It has no purpose. It does not serve you. You are not its slave. It is not your master. You can only serve two masters.

Rachel: Yo. Hey, yo.

Austin: Oh, Fortians slipped there, I guess.

Rachel: Don't take that soundbite.

Austin: Yeah. You can only serve one master and that is God. And so your master gets to determine what's true about you. Okay? Who we worship, okay, defines our worth, and that person shapes us, and that is Yahweh. That is God. So. Yes. That's your action item.

Rachel: All right. Well, thank you so much for tuning in, everyone. As always, we would love for you to like, subscribe, rate. you know, you might think your simple act of rating us five star or writing a quick review might not mean that much, but it could be the difference between someone just like you finding this episode, hearing our podcast, or, you know, some people might be looking and your comment on this video might make them wanna listen, so.

Austin: Yeah, or change the YouTube algorithm or something just ever so slightly to where a whole bunch more people see it. So your engagement in our content really makes the difference.

Rachel: So we appreciate you, and until next time, bye.